YO JOE! The Success and Enjoyment of a Terrible Franchise

Back in the days far before Battleship (2012) shattered our belief that a movie based on a toy or board game could only be purely awesome, there was an upsurge of films based on storylines based on cartoons that were based on toys that were popular in the 80s. The most notable of these, and in many ways, the only one done well, was Mike Bay's Transformers (2007). Late in the Summer of 2009, though, we were met with one of the grander of all adaptations - Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009).

pchoo pchoo pchoo!! bbbrrrghhh!! aaaaauugh!!

What worked with all this stuff is that it really capitalized on those 20-3The Rise of Cobra got about as close as you can get towards emulating that on the big screen.
0 year old males who spent their childhood on the cartoons and toys. These guys could now feel warm and nostalgic spending their cash on the butchered film versions. While nothing's ever really as great as the imagination of a dumb kid in his bedroom, though,

Today we get to see the long awaited sequel - G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013). The sequel is doing some fairly wacky things to an already fairly wacky movie property. What was really great about The Rise of Cobra was that it knew just how insane and stupid it really was. No other movie in history has so effectively translated how I felt when I was six years old mashing my toys together in big fantasy battles. That's all Rise of Cobra is - a hack big blockbuster director mashing big CGI toys together. Nothing in the film really makes sense, and that's a good thing. It's filmmaking without consequence - a big whollop of fun and ridiculous action at the expense of who cares.

The three-and-a-half year hiatus of G.I. Joe films has done the franchise good. Rise of Cobra didn't really seem worth seeing in theaters (though it did perform decently), and it didn't even really seem that great to Netflix. However, when USA puts that thing on late on a Friday night? There's hardly a better movie to watch random scenes playing in the background of a party while hammered. I hate to say that a $175 million movie boils down to a use like that - but c'mon - you've got invisible jets, vague ninja grudges, the hammiest array of villains in movie history, and Channing Tatum front and center. What did you expect?

The Scorpion King himself!

As the years went by, a few interesting things happened in the world of blockbuster cinema. First, Dwayne the Rock Lobster found his way into revitalizing every franchise there is, starting with Fast Five (2011) and Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012). The Rock's cinematic appeal is baffling. He somehow fails horribly at his own single-billed action vehicles (see: Doom [2005], Faster [2010], Snitch [2013]), yet has incredible success when brought in to these ensemble or established but stale franchises. He's like the gravy that smothers an old, dried out piece of Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey that makes it not only edible, but lets you remember why you celebrate Thanksgiving in the first place.

So, G.I. Joe: Retaliation was set to throw out most of the baggage of its old cast (Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, all those weird foreign Joes), swap hotties (Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller for Adrianne Palicki) and old dudes (Dennis Quaid for Bruce Willis), and just plug along. Just as they were going to do a half-swap of C-Tates (killing him off about halfway through), his popularity went nuts. He went from "that kind-of action star who used to be a stripper" to Steven Soderbergh's go-to guy who now plays movie strippers. Whether he's doing romance (The Vow [2012]), comedy (21 Jump Street [2012]), heady drama (Side Effects [2013]), or the upcoming making-of feature of Gerard Butler's film Olympus Has Fallen (2013) (White House Down [2013]), Channing Tatum is suddenly beloved worldwide. He's on everyone's side. You can't really fault a franchise for wanting to turn back and add more of his dumbass character to what ought to be with any luck the silliest flick of the year.

Oh yeah, Bruce Willis is in this for some reason

What's great about this franchise is that Rise of Cobra clearly set up a sequel in Justice League (2087) is going to be. For now, let's check our brains at the door and get back to that six-year old idiot sitting in his room mashing tanks and boats together in a pretend subarctic command center.
a pretty cool way, but no one really cared if it ever came about. It's total fan-free, stress-free filmmaking. That's pretty special in an age where everyone is worried about new Abram Star Wars films and how shitty a rushed

And knowing is half the battle.

What do you think of G.I. Joe? Can you appreciate its immaturity?

The Funky Conglomeration of Culture and Icons in Spring Breakers

Today marks the expanded premiere of the latest film helmed by Harmony Korine, Spring Breakers (2013). You may recognize Korine's name from such delightful romps as Gummo (1997), and Trash Humpers (2009). Or if I just say he's the dude that wrote Kids (1995), you'll probably have some idea of his propensity towards unpealing veneers of good taste in order to elucidate a more truthful depiction of youthful struggle, namely the conflict between naïveté and an undeserved, forced maturity, and the disillusionment that often comes from achieving the latter. This usually brings a ton of controversy to ol' Harmony.

So into this pot let's stir three young starlets, rapper Gucci Mane, James Franco thoughtfully following up Oz the Great and Powerful (2013), and a ton of real-life wackiness filmed in St. Petersburg, Florida, and you've got one of the crazier movies to hit theaters in a while. Seriously, St. Petersburgh is on the Gulf Side - no one likes the Gulf Side.

So let's first talk about these four young women who star bikini-clad front and center. At the height of it all is Selena Gomez (20), previously known for the Disney Channel show, Wizards of Waverly Place, her band, Selena Gomez & the Scene, and for dumping Justin Bieber. Her face is on prepubescent lunchboxes everywhere. Selena plays Faith, the quiet voice of reason throughout this flick. Of course she is.

Next we have Ashley Benson (23), otherwise known as the hottest one, primarily known for the excessive trashy ABC Family show, Pretty Little Liars. In Spring Breakers she sluts it up to play Brit, a cunt, in as many words. Joining her is Vanessa Hudgens (24) as Candy. Even the names are stripper names in this thing. Hudgens secured her teen idol cred through the High School Musical movies, but has already cut her teeth on more sexualized adult fare like Sucker Punch (2011), and the upcoming Machete Kills (2013). Speaking of Sucker Punch, I suggested during its premeire that it would become the Greatest Jailbait Movie Ever. If only I could have seen Spring Breakers coming...

Lastly we have Rachel Korine (26) as Cotty. She hasn't really been in anything but Harmony Korine movies - she's his wife. What makes Harmony's film great is that this is a total wishlist for Pop Starlets. It's the Disney Channel version of The Expendables (2010). It's got every young hot actress with millions of followers (16.9 million combined on twitter - 14.5 of which belong to Selena) all in one movie together, wreaking havoc! Of course, all of their Twitter pages also have advertisements for Spring Breakers and plenty of gratuitously tantalizing bikini shots.

So, the big question through all of this, is what happens to Selena's kid followers when they're exposed to this stuff? There's a blurry line between allowing actresses to branch out and do whatever they want, which is pretty fair, and the legitimate fact that most of the fans of these girls are way too young to handle the insanity of a flick like Spring Breakers, but that's what they're exposed to from following the girls. It's a legitimate point between social expectation and individual freedom that has been raised this week from sources such as philosophy professor Evan Selinger of the Rochester Institute of Technology.

On that note, it's also worth examining what this does to the brands of both the girls and their respective kiddie franchises. Can we look at High School Musical the same after Vanessa parades in a drunken drug-fueled daze in Spring Breakers? Can we accept Selena's recent return to Wizards for a special episode? Sure. My guess is that a couple of twenty-something girls with bright futures in Hollywood aren't really worried about it. There are new sexy markets to conquer, after all.

I for one, think this concept is awesome. It's dark and dangerous and weird. Real weird. Nothing ever really goes away on the Internet. Once harmless Selena Gomez image searches now bring up some great sexy pics to disturb all of her loyal fans, but there's something very freeing in that. What's also freeing is the fact that most of Spring Breakers is straight-up real. Ashley Benson claimed that the only actors in the film were the four girls, James Franco, and Gucci Mane. Harmony Korine and crew took the little starlets around St. Petersburg and just filmed them mingling in the shadiest corners of the Spring Break Mecca. It's spectacular.

There's a lot more to this movie. I haven't even mentioned much of James Franco, I mean, there's Oscar buzz around this guy. Between this and Oz, he's having one hell of a month! His spring will likely be only overshadowed by The Rock, who will put out four films in four months (Snitch, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Pain & Gain, Fast & Furious 6). That and the omnipresence of Britney Spears music leaves an even deeper reading of the film.

At any rate, this is a nutso combination of bits and pieces of Disney culture spun and blended with the wickedness of a spring break gone to hell. The fact that the contemporary tabloid journalism that follows the likes of Ashley and Selena don't seem to realise that and continue their marketing of the film towards the same demographic just makes it all the more awesome. Props to Harmony for turning a lot of our pop culture on its head and twisting around the careers of just about everyone involved. There may not be a film with more inspired casting this year.

SPRING BREEEEEAAAKKKK

What do you think of Selena and her scene here? Sound off below-

The Long Halloween Vol. IV: Simpsons Edition - St. Patty's Day

Well folks, it's time once again for The Long Halloween. Once a month for the past four years we here at Norwegian Morning Wood have taken a holiday and highlighted the greatest TV specials, movies, and more to go along with it. We very quickly ran out of holidays, so we went obscure for a while, talking about such greats as Hermit Day, Puzzle Day, and Frankenstein Day. Anyway, now we're in The Simpsons Edition, where we're taking one great Simpsons episode to pair with a new holiday each month. It's March, so it's time to start boozing for St. Patty's Day and the natural episode to go along with it - "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment" (S8;E18).

The episode's title is an reference to the the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution, ratified on January 16th, 1919 that outlawed alcoholic beverages in the entire country, known as Prohibition. In the episode, the town of Springfield re-discovers a similar law after the townspeople demand it after a riotous St. Patty's Day ends with Bart imbibing beer accidentally and stumbling around drunk. The episode of course ends with the old clerk unscrolls more lines on the parchment to also re-discover that prohibition has long been repealed. They also discover a law that requires ducks to wear long pants ("Well I'll be damned, long pants!"). Naturally, Homer begins illegal bootlegging and hilarity ensues.

This episode truly captures many Irish stereotypes, who unlike other races of people, fully embrace both this fact and the fact that for one day a year, it's OK for everyone else to emulate their culture. Except of course for the gays and the Italians. I suppose we Irish are just too drunk to really notice or care. It's a good thing that the Irish only get a day while Blacks and Hispanics get a whole month. Can you imagine an Irish history month that celebrated traditional Irish culture for a whole 30 days? St. Patrick's Month? The drinking, fighting, crazy Irish - hospital visits and liver transplants would soar. Maybe that's why it's OK to make fun of the Irish and harp on their stereotypes - they're fairly legitimately awful, and the more they roll with the idea of drinking, fighting, and singing, the worse it gets. Even their prime minister wears a barrel on his head...

Anyway, The Simpsons nail this perspective, in the Conan O'Brien tradition, of course. Suddenly it seems Springfield is overrun with Drunken Boston Irish Boors ("This is some wicked party!" "Have you seen Sully?!"). It of course extends to a town orgy, led by Apu and Kirk Van Houten ("Everybody - everybody get naked, don't be shy, it's going to be great!" wouldn't that be worth seeing...). It's a nice touch when John Bull's Fish and Chips explodes to unanimous applause and cheering. This all ends when Bart accidentally bongs a beer, which of course means that he's the coolest kid in school as all his classmates cheer him on. That's a nice fallacy to highlight.

The rest of the episode effectively parodies 1920s-set pieces like The Untouchables (1987), focused around Rex Banner, voiced perfectly by Dave Thomas in a rapid-fire flapper-era delivery ("Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?"). He straightens out the horribly corrupt law enforcement of the town ("Tuck in that shirt, take that badge out of your mouth!") and pits himself against the Beer Baron - Homer Simpson.

Homer steals beer from the dump and then pours it into bowling bars that traverse a series of underground pipes leading to Moe's Pet Shop - now an underground speakeasy where both the dregs and high society of Springfield meet and mingle. Pints go for $45, but they're filled with the best tasting beer in the world. During this time he stealthily evades Marge's questions ("You're livin in the past man!"), and she never gets all too suspicious, which is good to focus the story on the real meat here. As the beer at the dump runs out, Homer takes to brewing his own beer and liquor (including 12-year Scotch). He knows his customer (Bathtub Mint Julip), but as his silos start exploding ("Must have been that bean I had for dinner."), his crime wave must come to an end.

All the while, poor Wiggum, who had been ousted by Rex Banner, is destitute and living on the street ("I sold the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family."). Homer, in kindness, offers to reveal himself as the Beer Baron and give Wiggum the scoop so he may earn his job back. What's great is that at this point it clearly seems as if everyone in town knows who the Beer Baron was except for the man trying to catch him (Lenny: "They caught Homer?!"). When Homer is supposed to be sentenced to death by catapult (one of the more insane death penalties), Wiggum slyly sends Rex Banner "back to momma" and just when Homer is set for his turn, the Old Clerk Guy discovers that, hey, that was fun, but really, the Prohibition law has been repealed for 199 years. Whoopsie-doodle.

There's many more great tidbits here. After Homer hits a gravestone and Bart says it's bad luck, there's a great little touch where the headlight is broken in the next scene. It's also always fun to see those underwritten alcoholics of Springfield, like Hibbert's wife, who has a similar reaction to Homer, Moe, and Barney when Prohibition is revealed. She was also one of the townsfolk taken in for drunk driving in "Duffless" (S4;E16). Then there's Wiggum's astute observation that every astronaut and baseball player has been either drunk or on cocaine, which of course means that we need to do like our heroes and honor them by making terrible personal life choices. Finally, our brief glimpse of the CEO of Duff and the introduction of Duff Zero leads to what we all know - no one drinks beer for its robust taste ("Well...that's the end of me.").

So there you go. This is a great episode, full of really racist Irish Stereotypes, but we're really too drunk to care. It's also a keen examination of both a historical event (this whole episode really could be set in the 20s...) and the cultural addiction to alcohol. St. Patty's Day is really all about drinking and fighting in the true spirit of the Irish - go out an have a brew!