Oh Labour Day. Such a sad signal that Our Glorious Summer has finally reached its apex, passed, and that it's now time for school, pigskin, turkey, and cider. Everything sucks. Summer, in our reckoning, times out to about seventeen weeks, and so here we are, at the end of All Things. Tomorrow we'll be exploring who Won Summer, but for now, let's recount who's hot one last time:
Hot Jam of the Week: "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj
I have some mixed feelings about this ass extravaganza (an "asstravaganza," if you will...). First, the track borrows crazy liberally from the landmark ass jam, "Baby Got Back," to the extent that Nicki is basically just rapping straight over the beat. If anyone should have the right to do that, though, it's Nicki, who is the current reigning Ass Queen. And it's sort of empowering in a sense of fighting a battle against skinny bitches that has been raging for centuries. I just get distracted by Nicki using the same intonations she did in "The Creep." Then there's that Drake lap dance. Damn this is a sexy video.
Charles 100: "Boom Clap" by Charlie XCX
Because XCX is one-hundred, right? Some one doesn't understand Roman Numerals. Anyway, "Boom Clap" ended up having a nice little run here and there this summer, even if I personally find the jam a little forgettable outside of the electric exuberation of "BOOM CLAP!" in the chorus. And The Fault in Our Stars (2014) is such an underrated success this summer! Shailene Woodley 4ever.
Sparkle Dangle: "Chandelier" by Sia
Here's another Jam that never quite made it to the top but had a pretty damn good run this summer in and out of this list along with our hearts. I don't think Sia is changing the game or anything, but with a super-crazy fun video and a time-tested technique of adding way more syllables to a word like "chandelier," this was a pretty good Summer Jam Success that hasn't quite gone away yet.
Kunta Kinte: "Break Free" by Ariana Grane ft. Zedd
Ariana Grande continues to prove herself to be one of the more visually uninteresting pop stars while her voice soars to become one of the more audibly intriguing artists out there. She's a walking contradiction! "Problem" rose above a lot of pop drek out there, but "Break Free" is pretty comfortable settling into monotony. It may be that I just really hate carbon copy EDM beats that homogenize pop songs, but this is so damn down the middle that I really can't find a reason to care about it.
Spotty: "Rude" by MAGIC!
Somehow "Rude" ended up with a pretty legitimate run at Iggy's 2014 Summer Dominance, but I think this is the week it finally cracked. I want to save the last couple slots for the new hot jams that will take over Autumn, as any Labour Day should indicate. That being said, "Rude" bows out like it existed all Summer - as a mystifying Canadian Reggae song with so little lyrical coherence that I'm still completely baffled that it was one of the serious contenders for the Summer Jam Throne. I guess it's mostly because it was so easy to yell at any passerby, "WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO RUDE?!" Sticky ideas, people.
Sling Slang: "This Is How We Do" by Katy Perry
Many weeks this Summer had themes, and this could be my unsettled opinion week. Katy Perry songs seem to bounce between the epic flavors of something like "Firework" to really innovative popular jams like "E.T." to more mainstream pop whatevers like "Part of Me." Anyway, when I first saw the video for "This Is How We Do" I thought it was more just another song of hers rather than something that really pushed her career forward in a meaningful way, but I may have just been distracted by the visuals that looked more like a VEVO lyric video than that of one of the world's most successful contemporary music artists. After hearing it on the radio, though, I reappraised it because that beat is actually really damn smooth and chilled. There's also this juxtaposition of its total lyrical appropriation of Black Culture and Katy appearing visually like the whitest poser ever. This is why my feelings towards this right now are "...huh?" I wish this had caught on earlier in Summer so I could dissect it more each week. It's kind of bizarre it didn't because Iggy Azalea seems to be doing just fine injecting her jams full of well-orchestrated and lyrically constructed street slang.
Bass Means Fat: "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
Now, "Anaconda" be damned, this is the sexiest video on the List this week. Meghan has a crazy amount of confidence behind both her voice and her whole attitude towards our second pro-fat chick track of the week. It's fantastic! And that big Samoan guy needs to totally become the 2014 version of Maria Ratajkowski for all the right reasons. This country really needed a sassy do-wop white chick rap song about sexy fat chicks right now, I love it. It also reminds me of Easter. Or Miami. Something about those pastels make me think of Easter in Miami.
Haters Gon Hate: "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift
I really like Taylor Swift's ability to disown all of her country roots and just bounce around, becoming even more adorable and doofy in the process. Many hate Taylor Swift for these exact reasons but I dunno, I guess I fall for the hapless klutz persona. She just needs some me time. But hey, #1 last week of Summer, that's something.
Next week...
So long, suckers!
Hot Jam of the Week: "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj
I have some mixed feelings about this ass extravaganza (an "asstravaganza," if you will...). First, the track borrows crazy liberally from the landmark ass jam, "Baby Got Back," to the extent that Nicki is basically just rapping straight over the beat. If anyone should have the right to do that, though, it's Nicki, who is the current reigning Ass Queen. And it's sort of empowering in a sense of fighting a battle against skinny bitches that has been raging for centuries. I just get distracted by Nicki using the same intonations she did in "The Creep." Then there's that Drake lap dance. Damn this is a sexy video.
Charles 100: "Boom Clap" by Charlie XCX
Because XCX is one-hundred, right? Some one doesn't understand Roman Numerals. Anyway, "Boom Clap" ended up having a nice little run here and there this summer, even if I personally find the jam a little forgettable outside of the electric exuberation of "BOOM CLAP!" in the chorus. And The Fault in Our Stars (2014) is such an underrated success this summer! Shailene Woodley 4ever.
Sparkle Dangle: "Chandelier" by Sia
Here's another Jam that never quite made it to the top but had a pretty damn good run this summer in and out of this list along with our hearts. I don't think Sia is changing the game or anything, but with a super-crazy fun video and a time-tested technique of adding way more syllables to a word like "chandelier," this was a pretty good Summer Jam Success that hasn't quite gone away yet.
Kunta Kinte: "Break Free" by Ariana Grane ft. Zedd
Ariana Grande continues to prove herself to be one of the more visually uninteresting pop stars while her voice soars to become one of the more audibly intriguing artists out there. She's a walking contradiction! "Problem" rose above a lot of pop drek out there, but "Break Free" is pretty comfortable settling into monotony. It may be that I just really hate carbon copy EDM beats that homogenize pop songs, but this is so damn down the middle that I really can't find a reason to care about it.
Spotty: "Rude" by MAGIC!
Somehow "Rude" ended up with a pretty legitimate run at Iggy's 2014 Summer Dominance, but I think this is the week it finally cracked. I want to save the last couple slots for the new hot jams that will take over Autumn, as any Labour Day should indicate. That being said, "Rude" bows out like it existed all Summer - as a mystifying Canadian Reggae song with so little lyrical coherence that I'm still completely baffled that it was one of the serious contenders for the Summer Jam Throne. I guess it's mostly because it was so easy to yell at any passerby, "WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO RUDE?!" Sticky ideas, people.
Sling Slang: "This Is How We Do" by Katy Perry
Many weeks this Summer had themes, and this could be my unsettled opinion week. Katy Perry songs seem to bounce between the epic flavors of something like "Firework" to really innovative popular jams like "E.T." to more mainstream pop whatevers like "Part of Me." Anyway, when I first saw the video for "This Is How We Do" I thought it was more just another song of hers rather than something that really pushed her career forward in a meaningful way, but I may have just been distracted by the visuals that looked more like a VEVO lyric video than that of one of the world's most successful contemporary music artists. After hearing it on the radio, though, I reappraised it because that beat is actually really damn smooth and chilled. There's also this juxtaposition of its total lyrical appropriation of Black Culture and Katy appearing visually like the whitest poser ever. This is why my feelings towards this right now are "...huh?" I wish this had caught on earlier in Summer so I could dissect it more each week. It's kind of bizarre it didn't because Iggy Azalea seems to be doing just fine injecting her jams full of well-orchestrated and lyrically constructed street slang.
Bass Means Fat: "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
Now, "Anaconda" be damned, this is the sexiest video on the List this week. Meghan has a crazy amount of confidence behind both her voice and her whole attitude towards our second pro-fat chick track of the week. It's fantastic! And that big Samoan guy needs to totally become the 2014 version of Maria Ratajkowski for all the right reasons. This country really needed a sassy do-wop white chick rap song about sexy fat chicks right now, I love it. It also reminds me of Easter. Or Miami. Something about those pastels make me think of Easter in Miami.
Haters Gon Hate: "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift
I really like Taylor Swift's ability to disown all of her country roots and just bounce around, becoming even more adorable and doofy in the process. Many hate Taylor Swift for these exact reasons but I dunno, I guess I fall for the hapless klutz persona. She just needs some me time. But hey, #1 last week of Summer, that's something.
Next week...
So long, suckers!
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