The Road to a Blockbuster: iAss

There are only two Fridays left in the Summer Blockbuster season - can you believe what a long, crazy, and fairly disappointing summer it's been?! There have been ups and downs for sure, but more importantly, it's been a crazily crowded Summer with an unrelenting hammer of big new films all trying to become the next big thing. More recap will come next week - for now in this penultimate edition of the Road to a Blockbuster we will examine the critical, commercial, and cultural potential of a handful of new films opening today, with particular focus on two heavily hyped up properties.

First, though, let's briefly talk about two films getting similar-sized releases, but without much fanfare. First is The Butler (2013), which is about presidential butler, Cecil Gaines, who worked in the White House through eight presidential terms in the middle of the 20th Century. It seems like interesting enough fodder, but hasn't at all gotten its share of attention. Perhaps the boffo casting, which includes wackiness like Robin Williams as Eisenhower and John Cusack as Nixon contributed to an awful film instead of an intriguing one. At any rate, I have no idea how this movie is, it's completely under the radar.

Next is Paranoia (2013), which stars Gary Oldman, Harrison Ford, and Thor's Brother. That also seems like decent marketing fodder, but it's had about a week's worth of commercials featuring a Bald Indiana Jones and that's it. Harrison Ford actually seems to be in a surprising amount of movies lately, from 42 (2013) and Paranoia to an upcoming string of high profile outings including Ender's Game (2013), The Expendables 3: Diaper Duty (2014), and supposedly Star Wars Episode VII: Jedi Pie Fight (2015). Still, not much of a push on this one. Let's get to the real heavy hitters this week:

First is Jobs (2013), which used to be stylized as jOBS until it had a favorable type formatting change. The film features the life story of Steve Jobs who started Apple, was a rebel, got kicked out, and then came back in and changed everybody's life. It stars Ashton Kutcher, who basically got the role because he sort of looks like Steve Jobs and is also a huge dick.

So what are the odds of Jobs becoming the critical bio pic of our time? I'd say awful. The film feels rushed considering Jobs passed away in October, 2011 and instantly had his life and work canonized. He's also such a polarizing figure, with most Mac junkies adoring his every word, and most PC folk remaining skeptical of his efforts to integrate life and technology. Also, overpricing. Mac is so damned expensive and they force you into this cult that needs to upgrade every year. Sorry - I am one of those skeptical PC folk. At any rate, there are people who love Jobs and those who hate him. The film seems to be positioning the former CEO as a tortured, innovative, and underappreciated genius without anything substantially critical to say about his life. That will ultimately hurt any real merit this biopic had.

If you consider a film like The Social Network (2010), which also essentially served as a biopic of one of our current technology innovators, Mark Zuckerberg, the film both acknowledged his genius and highlighted many of his personal flaws and problems. That's why it was nearly a best picture winner. Jobs seems to be doing nothing but lip service to its subject matter. Since it is coming out so close to his death, anything less may actually seem inappropriate (who is going to trash the man after he just passed away?), but therein lies the problem with this movie existing at all.

Finally, we have Kick-Ass 2 (2013). The first film was entertaining, refreshing, and despite featuring way too much MySpace for its own good, was saved mostly by an insane performance by Nicholas Cage as well as a little girl repeatedly using the word "cunt." It was a magical adventure. Still, the comic sequel seemed plagued by unnecessary amounts of violence that only served shock value without any real theme or merit. The movie will surely contain less of this, but even superstar Jim Carrey, who is really the Nic Cage of this installment, has attempted to distance himself from the film.

So, what of it? Kick-Ass 2 has been everywhere the last couple weeks, and considering the first film at best did OK at the Box Office, I'm not sure why this even deserved a sequel. My guess is that this film will be driven by violence again, and I'm not totally buying that it shows the "consequences" of violence as Mark Millar suggests. Nothing about these films is that realistic, despite its core premise. Like Cage in Kick-Ass (2010), I bet Jim Carrey, the dude who apparently hates this movie the most, will be the most entertaining feature, and that will be that.

We have one more week of Blockbusters to handle and then it's back to school for everybody. What do you think of Summer so far?

Tops: Best Movie Swears

Swearing is pretty awesome. It's jarring, uncomfortable and classless - just the kind of image we're looking for over here at Norwegian Morning Wood. A couple months back I posted a mediocre article chronicling the best attempts at Basic Cable Television to cover up some of the most hideous of words, so consider this the inverse of that compilation.

Now we're not really looking for Nil by Mouth (1997) stuff here, we all know what films have the most swears. I want to see quality over quantity in this post, but needless to say, when weaving the delicate art of dropping vocal bombs, many times they are one in the same. Let's get started in no particular order:

Jules Winnfeild in Pulp Fiction (1994)
There isn't a better Swear Artist than Sam Jackson. He rolls off "motherfuckers" with the command of a professional; driving home the urgency and attitude necessary to justify such language use in the situations he finds himself in. Many may have chosen the classic Snakes on a Plane (2006) line, but that's way too played out. I'm highlighting this underrated Pulp Fiction line, "I'm a mushroom cloud layin motherfucker, motherfucker!" I love how he's able to use "motherfucker" as both an insult to Vega and a fitting descriptor for himself seamlessly, simultaneously conveying an anger righteous enough to drop Atomic Bombs on those who oppose him. Fits in with Ezekiel 25:17. Kind of.

Rocco in The Boondock Saints (1999)
As Connor MacManus notes, Rocco certainly illustrates the diversity of the word "Fuck" in his astonished tirade following his late arrival on a scene where the brothers have double-handedly mowed down an assortment of Russian Mobsters intended as a set-up for Rocco himself (don't try to follow...there's Guns! And Irish Music!). He gets points for memorably stringing together a series of nine Fucks in ten seconds. Marvelous.



Hannibal King in Blade: Trinity (2004)
Ryan Reynolds needs to be in more movies like this - just an R-Rated Asshole out on the town killing people (Deadpool? Shit.) Anyway, his introductory scene both establishes his intelligence and planning along with his foul attitude towards...everybody and an incredible grasp on creative swearing. This is the only "Cockjuggling Thundercunt" on the list and earns its spot through sheer creativity. And they say that you only swear out of ignorance of language - untrue if you can string together an insult like that one. Although it's prevented from embedding, you deserve this in high quality - head over here and check it out.

Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Alec Baldwin probably has his best film role in this movie even though he's only on screen for a few minutes. He's such a commanding presence however that years later it's one of his most notable and acclaimed appearances. He comes in to these terrible Real Estate Salesmen to give a pep talk or whatever but it turns into an emasculating tirade with threats of lay offs but worse still complete spiritual and professional despair. Awesome. My favourite swear here though is responding to Ed Harris' Character who doesn't quite buy the act - he asks Alec his name. "FUCK YOU! THAT'S MY NAME!" It's all business, it's all sales, everything else is horseshit - it's a game of Sharks and Alec's the biggest fucking shark of all. Here's the whole damn thing. I also enjoy "Fuck or walk."



Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass (2010)
"Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now." I'm a big "Cunt" fan. "Fuck" just doesn't hold that shock value anymore - everybody spouts of fuck fuck fuck all the time and no one really gives a fuck. You drop a casual cunt here or there though - holy shit people are still offended. It's a harsher word really only because it's been less desensitized by modern media. It's also an awful term for women, essentially summing up their entire existence as a vagina to be banged for male pleasure. It doesn't have enough variable uses (as demonstrated by Rocco) to really expand into mainstream vocabulary (even Shit is more versatile). So it's the perfect introduction coming out of the mouth of this apparently sweet 13-year old Hit-Girl. If she says anything else here the bad guys aren't listening to her. Neither is the audience. She's got our attention and it earns a spot for the sheer audacity of the moment - "She said WHAT?!" It's a beautiful moment in high level offensiveness.



Gary Johnston in Team America: World Police (2004)
"Dicks fuck assholes."The marionette's ending speech in Matt and Trey's only live action puppet film (to date...) is one of the best in Movie History. Clearly. It gets points here for string a huge series of casual swears together but also for legitimately justifying American Foreign Policy in easily understood terms. Yeah it's basically a defense of the Bush Doctrine put more eloquently than Bush (or Sarah) ever could. Welcome to the irony of being a South Park Republican.



Harry Waters in In Bruges (2008)
It's hard to pick out the best swear from In Bruges ("YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT!" or "Yankee Fucking Cunt" or many many more). But to settle on one, I'll pick this bit about Harry's (Ralph Fiennes) Cunt-Fucking kids and Ken's (Brendan Gleeson) appropriate responses. Fiennes really is nothing but a cunt throughout this movie, completely unable to control his temper or temper his swearing (tho no one really can perform the latter). Colin Farrell was also underrated in this film until he nabbed a Golden Globe from under everyone's noses. Actually this movie both exhibits the terms Fucking Cunt and Cunt-Fucking. Maybe Cunt's more versatile than we suspected.



Joey LaMotta in Raging Bull (1980)
By far the best single swearing line I've ever heard in a film comes from Joey LaMotta (Joe Pesci) in Raging Bull. As his brother Jake (Bobby De Niro) has grown farther apart he attempts to call him but on the line he can't summon himself to speak. Joey gets worked up (as Pesci's characters rarely do...) and emits the following: “I can hear you breathing you fuck. You listening, your mother sucks fucking big fucking elephant dicks, you got that?” Read that again. Then watch it:



At first it would seem that the "Fuckings" are misplaced. A more conventional phrasing might be something like "Your mother fucking sucks big elephant dicks" in which "fucking" normally a progressive verb instead becomes attributive adjectives. In fact if we examine Adjective Order (which I'm sure Joey LaMotta pays attention to), we can guess that the first "fucking" is likely a descriptor of the quality of the size of the dicks - they're Fucking Big Dicks. The second "fucking" is a qualifying adjective - Big Fucking Dicks. Paired we have Fucking Big Fucking Dicks. The elephant in there adds a whole higher level of weirdness - it's a rare but effective insult to suck an animal dick, much less an elephant dick, which would be very large, probably larger than a mother's mouth.

Of course the ultimate irony in all this is that Joey is talking to his brother, so that grave insult towards the mother of the guy on the other line is that she is in fact, also his mother. Regardless of our grammatical discussion and any kind of awkwardness, that second "fucking" really makes the line stand-out, it helps the trochaic cadence of the line verbally and for the character provides the anger so well. I give it the honour of Top Movie Swear Ever.

Tops: Least Annoying Movie Kids

In honour of the recently released Hanna (2011) I thought I'd take a moment today to recognize Children in Cinema. Now, typically stuffing some wiener kid in the middle of an action flick is terrible - they whine and bitch and just slow things down. I'm thinking of War of the Worlds (2005), The Phantom Menace (1999), Superman Returns (2006), Mercury Rising (1998) and just about anything with Haley Joel Osment and the entire cast of the first two Harry Potter movies (especially Rupert Grint - stop shitting yourself, kid).

Yet there are a handful of movies I think with some great kids that actually contribute to the story without so much irritation that gets in the way. For the purposes of this article I'll try to leave out "Kid-Centric" movies like The Sandlot (1993) and Little Giants (1994). Let's begin.

#5: Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) in Home Alone (1990)

I have actually seen this brat in a few "Worst Kid" lists (like this one, whose only real complaint is Culkin's later drug issues - he's a child actor! Of course he's going to have drug issues!) but I find his performance relatively tolerable. He's a bit of an asshole (Possibly more so in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York [1995]), not that cute and plays well tormenting innocent men who only want to rob his home. Is that so wrong, really? The McCallisters can make do. Anyway, he gets the #5 spot from declining my need to punch him in the face after sustained viewing periods.

#4: Lex and Tim Murphy (Ariana Richards and Joseph Mazzello) in Jurassic Park (1993)

I have also seen this pair on Worst-Of Lists, and in all reality Lex is dead weight until she inexplicably saves the park by understanding Unix. Other than that and a handy Velociraptor Twarting in the Kitchen she's mostly a screamer and a crier, which is awful. Tim on the other hand has that classic kid mentally - Dinos come to life and rampaging through an island is fucking awesome. Tho they both have their wiener moments they grow on Grant and the audience as well. They react as real kids instead of constantly whining and dragging down the action - instead shit keeps happening to them with no respite. Oooh Chaos at work Dr. Malcolm.

#3: Boo (Mary Gibbs) in Monsters, Inc. (2001)



This could have very easily have gone terribly - having this little cute animated kid in the middle of an eponymous Monster Movie seems terrible on paper. She works well though even though she does do a lot of crying and screaming she does just as much giggling and actually looks cute instead of infinitely creepy like some of Pixar's early work. Ugh that thing is terrifying. Boo is really endearing though and is integral to every part of the story of Monster's Inc., successfully being more cute than irritating. It's mostly that she's actually pretty well behaved if not just curious about a few things and with what could have easily turned into a two-hour "Baby on a Steel Girder" joke is actually a bit more. Yay.

#2: Hit-Girl (Chloe Mortez) in Kick-Ass (2010)

Absolutely the anti-cute annoying kid, she has a maturity beyond her years as exemplified by her swearing and killing skills. Regardless of how to feel about her actions or the integrity of this movie, Hit-Girl ain't a wiener kid and there's hardly a time when watching this film that you feel like you're even watching a little girl (Of course when you step back and realise it's a little girl you may be horrified...and call out bullshit on Mark Millar). She is very entertaining though and doesn't slow the story at all. Actually the characters around her need to slow her down.

#1: John Connor (Edward Furlong) in Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

This kid isn't without his detractors, clearly, but I don't see any problemos with this dude. In fact I've already named him my favourite incarnation of John Connor and he's got more balls than Nick Stahl and more...things to do than Christian Bale. Sure he's a punk kid but he's a punk kid who already distrusts authority, knows how to survive on his own and manipulate machines and sustains a strong connection to humanity through his Mother and that Black Guy. He's a jerk-off but a young John Connor needs to be a jerk-off. Besides he handles himself pretty well considering how many people really want to kill him. I'm sorry...robots aren't people.

Bonus: Staying up late the other week watching terrible repeats on SyFy I managed to catch Stephen King's The Langoliers, a 1995 TV Miniseries that is far less cooler than this seems. It stars that dude from The Rock (1996), that other dude from Perfect Strangers and the faggiest little blind kid ever. All he does is complain and whine, he doesn't even complain about being blind, he just bitches about the air being stale and stuff. I loathe him. He needs the Robert Downey, Jr. treatment. Actually I think it's a girl. Ugh who cares, just die.

So that's that. Actually looking at this lot it seems like there aren't really any good kids in adult movies. Don't read into that. Don't get me started on that little wiener from Jerry Maguire (1996) either.

More First Impressions: Kick-Ass

Welcome to Part Dos of Norwegian Morning Wood's coverage of Kick-Ass this weekend. Yesterday I went over some basic stuff concerning the excellent structure of this film, but it's already clear to me this thing signifies much more about our culture than that. There's three big issues floating around here, I'll tackle the least important first:

The Power of New Media:

I've hardly seen another movie like this that really implements the strength of New Media and the rapid dissemination of ideas and memes that the Internet provides. Sure, Funny People (2009) had its share of Facebook jokes, but Kick-Ass far surpasses that. New Media, in fact is vital to the plot in the way that Cell Phones are vital to The Departed (2006). Quite simply, the movie would be impossible even five years ago, or perhaps it's better to say that the rapid rise in fame would be much more of a stretch.

Basically, Kick-Ass earns his fame through YouTube and MySpace. And really with a bit of luck and a hook that's all anyone needs to get fame these days. His video is uploaded via cell phone cameras and his sadistic "unmasking" is streamed live to mass interest. This all provides a sense of intense realism. Peter Parker's rise to prominence in Spider-Man (2002) seems antique and serendipitous by comparison. Kick-Ass continually tends to render the superhero genre silly and outdated, which I'll get to later. Kick-Ass as a hero relies on New Media to fund his career, communicate with other heroes discretely (a good nod to the unreliability of the people you're talking to on MySpace - they could be anyone, baby) and facilitate his popularity and accessibility to the "commoners" (normies). The ease to which this film institutes these factors speaks volumes about our technology-obsessed zeitgeist.

Trends: Fun Gore!

This film along with last fall's Zombieland (2009) are beginning to exhibit a little early-Decade trend here that I'll hopefully be citing in two or three years. I call it Fun Gore. It's the joyful R-Rated Action Comedy full of gory bloody punishments tolled out to all baddies (I might add Hot Fuzz [2007] here too, we're on to something baby! We could add the whole Cornetto Trilogy as precursors). They're some of the best films of the decade and full of blood and a steady line between comedy and drama. More than that, though, both Kick-Ass and Zombieland have this winking attitude towards the audience that never really becomes too obnoxious. They know they're pretty good but don't flaunt their appeal. Both films tend to turn stale genres on their heads, deconstructing them while fulfilling expectations of blood and action. This spin and deconstruction of the Superhero Genre on Kick-Ass' part serves as probably the most important facet of this film. Let's get into it:

Superhero Movies: Killed Off or Revitalized?

There have been a flurry of articles around the InterWebs discussing this subject. While Graeme McMillan at io9 believes this film signifies a culture's tiring of a tired genre, Cole Abaius of Film School Rejects directly counters this sentiment. Go on, read those and come back.

Welcome back. Like I said before, this movie already makes the rapid fame of Spider-Man seem silly. Something like Iron Man's rise isn't as outrageous, but of course, Stark's resources are much more expansive. On the other hand, time may yet make fools of us all. Batman's rise in Batman Begins (2005) may well serve as timeless, that Kick-Ass seems so in our moment may lock the film as just that - always only a 2010 film.

New Media obsession aside, the film assuredly demonstrates a turning point in our treatment of the most successful film genre in the past decade. Keeping with io9, here's a nice little mention of the many ways in which Kick-Ass highlights and makes light of other superhero myths. This film tends to do what Watchmen (2009) tried to do - realistically establish a world with real-life superheros, thus revolutionizing the genre. Watchmen's failure where Kick-Ass succeeded is due to a few different factors. The primary reason is that in all actuality, Watchmen is a pretty bad movie. It's unrelatable from a character-based standpoint, stuck in a now irrelevant time period (with a soundtrack more forced than Hot Tub Time Machine [2010]) and full of elements that are cartoony enough (Think Nixon's wacky portrayal, purposeful or not) to remind the viewer that despite all attempts this is still a Superhero film instead of an anti-Superhero film. Meanwhile Kick-Ass is such a slice of life film, so believable to happen in our world (probably derived from its modest rather than epic scale) that it sits better with audiences to elucidate the silliness of the Superhero formula.

The genre has expanded and become so big, its formula so ingrained in our mindsets, that it was simple for Kick-Ass to blow it up and easily recognizable by audiences that it was deconstructed. It's relative failure at the Box Office however, speaks to the apparent reality that we're not ready for such deconstruction. There are some great ideas at work here though, such as the spin on the Spider-Man catchphrase, "With no power comes no responsibility," as well as Cage basically becoming a Batman with guns. It's funny, the film is more of a mercenary picture, in place of superpowers, the heroes more often utilize firearms over gadgetry (more Comedian than Nite Owl). Cage even relies on the real myth of Batman to strike fear into the hearts of his opponents. It's all pretty interesting.

Whether or not any of this stuff sticks over the next couple years of course is the big question. My guess is that it will all come down to the performance of Iron Man 2 (2010) this summer (which undoubtedly will be astonishing). If the superhero genre is indeed dead (or at least mutated), the ebb and flow of interest for Green Lantern (2011) and all the Avengers films (2011 - 2034) should be up for grabs.

Oh well. Go kick some ass.

First Impressions: Kick-Ass

There's no better word to describe this movie. It truly is KICK ASS!! There's quite a few signifiers that come along with this film so we've got a lot to get through today. This film means a lot for the zeitgeist, New Sincerity / Post-modernism battle as well as the future of Superhero movies. SPOILERS everywhere, so be warned. I actually think these impressions will be split in twain this weekend, tune in tomorrow for some of my grander thoughts on this movie, today we'll tackle the basic pregame, cast and plot:

Controversial Trailers and Hype:

Weeks before this film even came out there was a good amount of hype and controversy, mostly centering around the actions and mouth of Hit-Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz). Yeah, any parent seeing this has some right to be upset. Little girl likes killing cunts, what can we do? Anyway, it's emblematic of this movie's complete unwillingness to compromise its language or violence. It's nice to see little girls brutalize the baddies, and Moretz is actually one of the shining lights in the film from an acting standpoint. She exudes the kind of confidence while harbouring a deep fear that makes her role work.

Prior to the release, Kick-Ass was getting a good amount of momentum in the most important media-munching demographics, the 18-34 year old male fanboys. The kind of college kids who eat up this kind of stuff. While this and the controversial language and gore increased its attention, it just doesn't have the kind of mainstream appeal (at all) to do really well in theaters (It seems like I'm right so far, although it could still very well win the weekend and will undoubtedly make its budget back). Basically for those interested, there were some very high expectations of gruesome deaths, unrelenting punishment and little girl swears. There was this idea that this movie could be great. Kick-Ass fucking delivers.

Starring Nic Cage as Adam West...

Let's talk about some of these actors here. First of all, CAGE. Wow. He's pretty insane. It's nice to see him in a supporting role, especially doing so well in a supporting role. I know he gets a lot of shit thrown his way, but there's hardly any better actor that can so balance the sort of calmness, fury and terror he's putting out simultaneously at any given moment. He also gets (SPOILS!) one of the best death scenes I've seen in recent memory, both artistically and emotionally. He basically plays Batman with a gun, which I'll get to later.

The casting all-around is pretty awesome. We get more boob out of Lyndsy Fonseca than Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) but the trade off is a much less funny Clark Duke (wait, who cares, that trade off rules). Mark Strong is getting pretty damn good at playing villains, somehow seeing him chew up the evil scenery hasn't gotten old yet (See also, Surecock Holmes [2009], RocknRolla [2008], Robin Hood [2010], Green Lantern [2011]...holy shit this guy plays bad well!). He's slightly comic, slightly evil, very authoritative, full of gravitas. His son, McLovin is perfect playing a character that I could really only describe as McLovin if he were a Superhero. Actually it's nice to see McLovin stem out a bit from the awkward nerd role and at least have a bit of menace, then slight contrition. His treachery was wisely left out of the trailers and commercials as it adds some needed depth to the characters. Finally, Aaron Johnson in the main role is a good kind of every-kid, with the right amount of naivety, guts, duty and fear to make a good would-be superhero.


Nonstop Barrage of Awesome Shit:

That basically sums up this film. Above anything it's really an origin story, although Kick-Ass claims that real-life superheros aren't formed by spider-bites or parents' deaths or anything, he's not truly a hero until the end of the film. It's when reality starts hitting him, through the lies of Red Mist, then the very real guilt over the death of Big Daddy that turns Kick-Ass into a real hero. Along the way, there's a lot of great moments.

The romance between Kick-Ass and Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca) is really well done. Unlike other films in which the nerd somehow gets the incredibly hot girl with minimal effort (AHEM - wtf), it's clear that the only way Katie would let Kick-Ass close is if she thought he was gay. Which is exactly what happens. When he finally hits it it's awesome, his nervous boob-touching is hilarious. Kick-Ass' attempts to defend her honour against some dope dealers is also turned on its head, you have to laud his bravery, but he soon gets in over his head. In all, the romance is much more fluid than some other films of this genre. Basically, more fluid than any other film of this genre.

There's also a great ascension to a very fulfilling climax. There's about three huge fights in a row towards the end, all of which feel like the "final big battle." The movie just keeps going, which unlike some films, is a good thing. Each new fight tops the last one and the film makes sure not to end until all the pain and lose ends are tied up.Every injustice is accounted for and every villain pays. It's not tried or cliché. In fact it spins a lot of action tropes on its head, which is delightful. Kick-Ass loses his first fight, gets a Pyrrhic in his second, gets bailed out by Hit-Girl in his third, he basically really sucks until some help from Big Daddy's expense account. The infiltration of New Media is also very interesting, it's one of the first films to treat the expultation of cell phones and MySpace as vital to the mythic growth of a superhero. More on that tomorrow.

Stay tuned!