16 March 2018

March Badassness 2018 - SWEET 16!!

As real basketball starts up, we're in the Sweet 16 now, folks and this year's tournament is as enticing as ever!

I don't know why I said real basketball. As if this is fake...basketball.

We've had way too many ties. Vote, even if you don't want to.

Your winners will move on to the Elite Eight, to be published next week!

Skull Island Division - battling it out on the Forsaken Island of Monsters!
Overlook Hotel Division - fighting for dominance within the walls of an Endless Haunted Colorado Hotel!
North Pole Division - combat on the top of the world at the Realm of Candy and Magic!
Wakanda Division - put up your dukes in the Hidden Afrofuturist City of Vibranium!

Best Match-ups this round:

King Kong vs. Neil Degrasse Tyson
Mulan vs. Santa Claus
Castor Troy vs. Dutch
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart vs. Black Panther

See your one true God take home the 2018 Sam Jackson Trophy!

Tomb Raider Strides Again!

There's some other weird shit coming out this weekend (is there any greater parable for modern America than a gay teen romance and somehow a Christian song-based movie coming out on the same day?), but really it's all about Tomb Raider (2018). The latest installment stars Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft in the somewhat odd film based on the more recent, slightly more level headed 2013 version of the Tomb Raider video game rather than the 90s boob-a-thon games. Let's preview all this nonsense, starting with...that.

"I'm Katniss!"
One thing that always bothered me with Tomb Raider is how fans seemed to think Lara Croft was an example of strong female video game protagonists, when in reality she's really just boobs. She only exists to placate male gamers and create another fantasy for them under the guise of being a token video game girl. Granted video game heroines are few and far between, but this is more an example of how much more wrong nerds can be when they're trying to do the right thing. The other big classic video game girl is Samus - but she's rendered androgynous enough in the first few games that her femininity is irrelevant [arguable that makes her a strong case for gender equality, but that's another post], and in later games like Other M her femininity is a crippling weakness. I'll give the Prime series points for balance. This is a whole other post. Other than that we have...I dunno...Ms. Pac-Man? More recent games have been a little better, but there's not a lot to call on.

If you're just looking at boobs, then to be honest, 2001 Angelina Jolie was the absolute perfect casting for the original Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001). Jolie has done a lot more with herself now (and to be fair, before 2001), but that presence, those boobs, the cheekbones, it all screams pretty video game girl. It reminds me of the super-impractical Zombie fighting wardrobe of Jill Valentine in Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004). I mean, it's real hot and Sienna Guillory got me through puberty, but that doesn't make it right.

I don't think I've seen either of the two first Tomb Raider films all the way through. There were two! Can you believe that? I mostly remember the first one for one of Daniel Craig's first big roles and the second one for one of Gerard Butler's first big roles. Is it bad to remember a female action flick for introducing leading men? Can you call it a strong female action flick when it's really just all about boobs and male gaze, thus attracting interested male eyes anyway? It's hard to look at any film made pre...uh...let's go pre-2017 and think about real girl power.

I never played a Tomb Raider game, either. To be fair, I was pretty captivated by Donkey Kong and really didn't get into non-Nintendo games...ever. I'm still a purist (hence my rabid Metroid knowledge), so Lara never fell under sway of my joystick. See, even that sounds horribly dirty. You wouldn't talk that way about Donkey Kong. Video game (and largely, life) femininity just gets the shaft from male audiences. See, I'm doing it again.

At some point Crystal Dynamics realized that they had a good character on their hands that was plagued by all this shit. In 2013 they rebooted the character and actually made her grounded and more fleshed out, ironically by adding pants. For some reason, I suppose because Hollywood loves shooting itself in the foot, Warner Bros decided to go ahead with another film adaptation. It's weird that even though it's been fifteen years since Angelina Jolie's last outing, I definitely still think of this as Tomb Raider 3: The Search for Curly's Gold (2018).

With all that said, I should add that to be fair, this looks a hell of a lot better than Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life (2003), and yes, all of that was actually the title. Akin to the newer series of games, it feels a lot more gritty, personal, and real, which is totally in line with 2010s filmmaking vs. 2000s filmmaking. And the grittiness isn't really like, grimdark grittiness, but realistic cave-dwelling grit, as opposed to Angelina looking like a fucking goddess while spelunking.

The rest of the cast is fairly unknown, besides Walton Goggins, but I'm not sure how much of a household name Walton Goggins is. We should focus on Vikander, though, who although is amazing, I feel won her Academy Award too early. The Danish Girl (2015) wasn't even the best movie or role she had that year. Ex Machina (2015) should be readily accepted as a new classic, but she's totally underrated in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015). This is still one of my favourite movie scenes ever. Damn she's cool and collected and a hilarious asshole in front of giant man Armie Hammer. But really, picture this, a robot, and a transsexual lover - painter in the same year. That's fucking range, people.

To be honest, her 2016 and 2017 were kind of under the radar without a ton of showy or well-seen roles. You see Jason Bourne (2016) on there, but can anyone remember anything from that movie? Or what Vikander did in it? Same challenge for The Light Between Oceans (2016). Irregardless, Vikander is a supreme talent and deserving of a franchise centered around her. It'd be cool if Tomb Raider could be it. They got two fucking Angelina Jolie boobie movies out of it fifteen years ago, they should be okay now, right. Right?

Well, at this point we ought to talk about the elephant - this is a video game movie. Somehow for some reason no video game movie ever works. Sure, Resident Evil (2001) comes close, and that's definitely a rad movie that turned into a progressively more bonkers series that's damn fun to make fun of, but no where close to blockbuster art. That series also ground into the dust. The only other candidate to bring up is Mortal Kombat (1995). And that's it. That's like, the best of your genre.

Recently Hollywood has tried to adapt really good video games like Assassin's Creed (2016) and Warcraft (2016). Whoops. And to be sure, right now Tomb Raider is actually looking like the Queen of all video game adaptations, at a whopping 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's 14% higher than the next film, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010). You know, I actually haven't seen any of these damn movies. They all look so stupid. Maybe it's because I don't play any of these games, but that shouldn't matter, right? I've never sat through a game of Clue, but I love that movie. I never read Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park. Source material shouldn't matter, but for some reason with video games it does.

That's probably because either the medium is too visually similar to film already or simply because it's not even close to be considered serious art. Critics have clearly never played Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest (1995) for the SNES. Maybe that's why they gave a film like Tomb Raider to a dude like Roar Uthaug, who despite having the greatest name fucking ever, hasn't really done much outside of his native Norway. He crafted The Wave (2015). I mean, COOL, but does he understand American video games? To be fair, he probably does, it's a huge global industry, people.

I don't buy a lot of other reasons, though. There are great movies adapted from television shows, short films, even other movies! There's an argument that playing is so much more immersive that you want to control who's on the screen. That doesn't make any fucking sense at all, why would I want to control Lara Croft anymore than Indiana Jones? Or Hidalgo? Or Brendan Frasier? I've never played the games, but the movies still suck. That's an empty criticism.

In the end, bad movies are bad movies, and that's the mishandled approach. Instead of making a good movie, even in a world where movies are becoming more like video games, directors are boxed in by the trappings of the genre in a bid to appease fans, even though their bank isn't even made on fans. Look, Sam Raimi changed a lot about Peter Parker in Spider-Man (2002) but it still did great because it was a good movie. Studios seem focused on the wrong things.

The irony here is that we've had a few great films that play with the genre without being remotely close to being based on video games. And others that play within genre pretty well. Even watching a movie like Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) I'm plagued with how much of it feels like level progression, down to mini-bosses and final stronghold battles. Video game-style thinking has already invaded our film culture, notably because a progressive succession of challenges, namely through fighting, the most basic conflict, is basic screenwriting. On an even more subtle note, I'm struck by this article on The Last Jedi (2017), which equates mindless tasks to a typical video game routine.

This is aaaallll to say that video game movies don't really have an excuse. I don't think "video game" should even be a genre. Tomb Raider is an action-adventure movie, to be more specific, an archaeology movie. Just like The Mummy (1999) before it. Man the millennium was full of weird campy tomb raiding movies, huh?

There IS this sweet plane jump.
This post has gone on far too long, but with all this said, how does Tomb Raider actually look and what are its cultural and commercial prospects? Well, it seems like a really classic March movie that should be like a Kong: Skull Island (2017) kind of deal - you know...like okay. I keep waiting for Black Panther (2018) to fade, and maybe it does next week with some real competition between this and A Wrinkle in Time's second week? A Wrinkle in Time isn't going crazy and should be beatable. I don't get the feeling this will totally light up the box office (unlike ANOTHER video game spinning jungle adventure movie - Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle [2017]).

If you wanted my honest opinion, I think this is a little too self-revering for its own good. I don't think anyone really cares about Tomb Raider video games anymore and it'd be better off using that as a jumping off point for its own good story. And I don't know, an adventurer trying to find her father, isn't that like...The Last Crusade (1989) in not so many words. Or trade tombs for time dimensions and it's actually just A Wrinkle in Time. The production value looks cool and well shot, but I don't have a yearning desire to catch this in theaters. Maybe on Netflix.

So, what do you think? That was an unexpected 1800+ words and 90 minutes out of my day. Are you amped for Tomb Raider? What do you think of the nature of femininity in video game movies? Are all video game movies doomed? Did Alicia Vikander peak in 2015? Is A Wrinkle in Time dumb for being earnest or is there merit there? Are we all just cynical dicks? Can it get past that awful poster that I didn't even mention once?!

Stay tuned to your pals at Norwegian Morning Wood and all of your questions will be answered!

09 March 2018

March Badassness 2018 ROUND OF 32!!

That's right - you, the people have decided who moves on and who is left behind, beaten, bloody, and forgotten.

There are some good picks here and some massive upsets. Keep voting and we'll update at the end of next week!

Your winners will move on to the Sweet Sixteen.

Skull Island Division - battling it out on the Forsaken Island of Monsters!
Overlook Hotel Division - fighting for dominance within the walls of an Endless Haunted Colorado Hotel!
North Pole Division - combat on the top of the world at the Realm of Candy and Magic!
Wakanda Division - put up your dukes in the Hidden Afrofuturist City of Vibranium!

Best Match-ups this round:

Don Vito Corelone vs. Abraham Lincoln
Goku vs. Sonic
Daredevil vs. Sherlock Holmes
Popeye vs. Mulan
Castor Troy vs. Mega Man
Legolas vs. Black Panther

See your favourites take home the 2018 Han Solo Trophy!
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