Summer Jam 2017 LIVE -- All Hail Your New God-King of Summer!

The time has come at last, folks. After seventeen long weeks of tallying, cataloging, guessing, and skipping summer jam weeks, we're finally here at the alpha and omega of all things pop, which is life. As is customary, let's recount our past summer jam winners - now, this is the magical tenth year in the official reckoning, although of course, the weekly rundown is a relatively new phenomenon, having started around these parts only as recently as 2010. But here is the auspicious company the New King of 2017 will join, to be forever echoed in the Halls of Valhalla:

2007: "Umbrella" by Rihanna
2008: "Bleeding in Love" by Leona Lewis
2009: "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas
2010: "California Gurls" by Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg
2011: "Park Rock Anthem" by LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock
2012: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen
2013: "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke ft. T.I. & Pharrell
2014: "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea ft. Charle XCX
2015: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon
2016: "Can't Stop the Feeling" by Justin Timberlake.

Let's go through this for a second, particularly the last couple jams. First of all, the grammar of "I Gotta Feeling" is terrible, that would mean like, "I have to feeling" like will.i.am is compelled to feeling. We don't talk about this enough. "Blurred Lines" is probably the worst-themed rapist mainstream pop anthem of all time. And I will forever have a disclaimer that I was upset with the past two summers, kind of regretting how things shaped out, and believing they should have belonged to "Bad Blood" and "Cheap Thrills" respectively, that I think have aged a bit better. Then again, I hear "Shut Up and Dance" all the time, so who knows.

So, we tracked an amazing fifty-seven songs this year, about half of which are notable. Let's get them into three big groups:

Tier 3: Songs That Were Sort of In Your Head for a Week

These suckers came and went pretty fast, but a lot of them were pretty good, so let's acknowledge them here:

"Element." by Kendrick Lamar
"Rockabye" by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie
"Bon Appetit" by Katy Perry ft. Migos
"The Cure" by Lady GaGa
"Look At What You Made Me Do" by Taylor Swift
"Redbone" by Childish Gambino
"Feel It Still" by Portugal. The Man
"I'm the One" by DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil' Wayne, Quavo
"High" by Sir Sly
"Genghis Khan" by Miike Snow
"Attention" by Charlie Puth
"Swish Swish" by Katy Perry

Tier 2: Solid Songs that Came Close to Being Ubiquitous

This next batch of eight all made great cases for Second Team All-Summer Jam. Do not doubt their power, for they are treacherous.

"Woman" by Ke$ha ft. The Dap-Kings Horns
"iSpy" by KYLE ft. Lil' Yachty
"That's What I Like" by Bruno Mars
"Something Just Like This" by Coldplay and Chainsmokers
"Wild Thoughts" by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna, Bryson Tiller
"Sign of the Times" by Harry Styles
"Slow Hands" by Niall Horan
"Now or Never" by Halsey

Tier 1: THE FINAL JAM LIST

Here we go, folks. This is the cream of the crop. They're so good they even each get an embedded video. Let's run through the final countdown until Avengers: Infinity War (2018) comes out:

#8: "Feels" by Calvin Harris ft. Katy Perry, Pharrell, and Big Sean



Weeks on Jam List: 5
Peak: #2 on 08/28/17

I really liked "Feels", way more than anything Katy did on her own this summer, which always seemed like a lot. It had such a nice summer-y beat, and although it didn't reach the Summer Heights both Katy and Pharrell have been in the past, it had a solid late-season upsurge despite dropping way back in mid-July. It was such pure pop collabo, not really trying to hard to do anything it couldn't reach. Again, the exact opposite from most of Katy's Summer 2017 - surprisingly off-brand, but in the best way. Everyone filled their role and did a great job.

#7: "Stay" by Alessia Cara, Zedd



Weeks on Jam List: 5
Peak: #3 on 07/31 and 08/14/07

This was kind of an old one (dropping in April), that stayed (heh-hoo!) around for most of Summer, never doing crazily good, but always kind of there in the background. It's a perfectly fine song, even if that "Rum in Cola" line is the only one I tend to clue in every time it comes on. The instrumental is a little bit too busy and overreaches Alessia's fantastic vocals quite a bit, but this kind of pop drop is hardly concerned with something so incidental. On its own merits it does fine, and that's where it lies.

#6: "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran



Weeks on Jam List: 4
Peak: #1 from 07/10 - 07/24/17

Somehow "Shape of You" only made the Jam List four times this Summer, but it feels like it was around way more, doesn't it? I think it just missed the cut in favor of more interesting tracks quite a few times, but it did score three straight weeks at #1, the only track to do so. The only other song that came close was "Despacito", which had three weeks at #1, but not consecutively. Ed Sheeran had a weird summer and is almost certainly a weird lazy eyed ginger pussy but somehow masculine sex symbol? I don't know. The song's okay, I really thought it was Timberlake. It's also been around forever I guess, but really peaked in July, which gives it is Summer Jam boost.

#5: "It Ain't Me" by Kygo, Selena Gomez



Weeks on Jam List: 5
Peak: #1 on 06/12 and 07/03/17

Selena had a maybe great summer? At least early on she seemed pretty unstoppable betweent his and "Bad Liar" but the latter certainly petered out. "It Ain't Me" seemed to always blend together with "Stay" and "Issues" and will surely be remembered in that glob. This is kind of a nice triumphant break-up song, though, a sweet and bitter elegy to being too fucked up to drive drunk and face the terrible morning to come. The beat is whack of course, and it sounds like more of a 2017 song than anything else here, but proved some whiskey neat staying power.

#4: "Bad Liar" by Selena Gomez



Weeks on Jam List: 5
Peak: #1 on 06/19/17

Speaking of Selena... This was a total early summer jam that seemed pretty powerful, but didn't even make it through July. Still, its early potency was enough for it to survive here. You can see we're averaging about five weeks each, although from here on out, you need at least one #1 spot to surive. I wonder if this great jam's precipitous downfall had anything to do with the bizarre Selena-only gym teacher / dad-fucking video that defies all kind of logic and really shows how much Gomez looks like a pre-teen still at age 24. I really do like this song, though, which is a great showcase for her voice and really smooth and sexy, like most of what she's done lately. Gomez is totally an underrated artist, although that also probably has everything to do with the artist in the #2 spot, who wrote "Bad Liar" with resident weirdo but pop savant Justin Tranter.

#3: "Body Like a Back Road" by Sam Hunt



Weeks on Jam List: 8
Peak: #1 on 07/31/17

I had no idea "Body Like a Back Road" had made such an inways until I was tallying everything up. It wounded up on an astounding eight countdowns, beginning in Week 3 and ending on Week 17. That's an appearance in all five official months of summer. It started off consistent, and actually had five weeks off before finishing on five out of the final seven Jam Lists. There's a lot of power in a crossover country hit and one of the four official Country Songs I can stand to listen to. I don't think Sam has really gotten much credit for this, and it may be more radio play than digital, but considering a primarily country and pseudo-pop audience, that fits his wheelhouse pretty well.

#2: "Issues" by Julia Michaels



Weeks on Jam List: 8
Peak: #2 on 07/03 and 07/17/17

Alright, fine, so I lied. "Issues" was somehow never a #1 song, which wasn't necessarily the reason why Julia Michaels isn't Queen of Summer, but she assuredly needed a little more consistency down the stretch. She started off excellent, and despite dropping on Week 2, was the only song that week to maintain a presence up through Week 13 with only four breaks in the middle. She peaked in July, and really represented the perfect meat of Summer. At any rate, Julia Michaels is one of the most brilliant minds in pop today, and it's great to hear her behind a microphone after writing a slew of excellent contemporary hits. I did like "Uh-Huh" a bit better, but it never had the traction. I think that she could have stood a chance if "Issues" had dropped a little later, but this is a great outing for someone who could be around for quite some time.

#1: "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber



Weeks on Jam List: 9
Peak: #1 on 06/26, 08/14, 08/21/17

I remember this song being around in mid-June, hitting #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 and being pretty dismissive. "Populist skewed crap" I said - not a true jam! Oh how I was wrong! Already an international hit, Bieber hopped on and lent his voice to the Fonsi / Daddy Yankee jam and pushed it into the stratosphere domestically. This is the first Summer Jam Remix King and yet is a legit great jam. It's a sexy as hell Latin-infused Caribbean opus - perfect for a Summer Thrill. How did we never have a song like this reach the highest heights of Summer before? I feel as if my soul is at rest. "Issues" made a nice run, but as soon as we got into August and "Despacito" showed no signs of slowing down, I knew it was the unequivocal champion. More weeks than any other song on the Jam list, even though it didn't really get started until the end of June. Its first run was four weeks in a row where it debuted at #1. Its second run to end out the year saw five weeks where it never sank lower than third, and that was only as Summer bowed out in favor of "Look What You Made Me Do" which will almost assuredly take over Autumn. Bieber finally has a Summer Jam. Where you at, GaGa!?

As always, folks, it's been a long and awesome journey this summer. We'll be back with this crap again starting the Monday after the first full week after the first weekend in May. I suppose that is a little ridiculous, but that's how we've always reckoned Summer to begin, for the record. That'd be May 14th, 2018. As in most years we'll take a little break as we cease to care about September's pop cultural crap, but we'll definitely have an upcoming IT (2017) post up here soon. Stay golden, Jam Lovers!

Summer Jam 2017 17: The Final End of It! LIIIIIVE!

This is it, folks. The Final Day of Summer. This is of course an absolute tragedy unparalleled with anything else currently going on in the United States of America. By far. For sure. But that also means that we're at The End of All Things - the last of our Very Special LIVE Editions of the Summer Jam Countdowns. Stay tuned for the final announcement of the Summer Throne tomorrow!

Hot Jam of the Week: "Houston #1" by Coldplay



The devastation from the flooding in Houston is unbelievable, and it's awful nice of Coldplay to write a song about it. Sure. Does anyone even like Houston? I don't think it's that great. It's hot, the Texans suck, can't even win a consistent division title against the Jags and Titans. Terrible. Still sad, though. Amazing they cranked out this tune and apparently played it once in order to pander and capitalize on a National Tragedy.

Body Like My Back Hand: "Body Like a Back Road" by Sam Hunt

This track just barely made it in at the last second this week, but concludes a pretty solid summer campaign for a mainstream crossover country jam. I'm mystified by the lack of a music video, but who cares, it'd probably be Sam Hunt in his truck with some hot chick in cut-offs prancing around anyway. Damn. Where is this video.


Cop A "Feels" by A Bunch of People and Katy Perry

"Feels" ended up being pretty impressive this summer. Katy, Pharrell, and arguably even Calvin Harris have all had bigger and better summer jams, but this is probably a solid candidate to at least make the Final Top Eight based on sheer longevity in a Summer that was fairly merciless to many tunes out there. And again, this is by far Katy's best video this summer because she's actually being sane and humble.

Money Moves: "Bodak Yellow" by Cardi B

It's amazing it took some artist this long to rip-off Nicki Minaj, but here we go. And it's not like all black female rappers are like Nicki, but damn Cardi is totally Minaj-y. Especially this bit that just seems a ton like Nicki's mannerisms in "Bottoms Up" in particular and a few other vids. She's actually somehow a bit harder than Nicki, though, with a deeper, raspier, less listenable voice. It's decidedly rap instead of rap-pop which is rad, but in general I'm not totally a fan. Track is hot right now, though, even after having been around for a while now.

Don't Wanna Fight Right Now: "Now or Never" by Halsey

This track has come and gone in and out this Summer, but at least got in one last solid week before the leaves fall. I like like 20% of this song, the other 80% is really typical forgettable pop that I can go the rest of my life without ever hearing again and be perfectly happy with. Damn I'm cold this week - the deathly snows of Winter are on their way, folks!

Manos Fritos: "Despacito" by Daddy Yankee Bieber Fonsi

I'll have to tally everything, but this is your presumptive champion. I'm not even really sick of this jam yet, to be honest, and it's probably got some legs left to go into September. Who the hell knows what these Latin guys are saying, at least one part of it is "slowly" so we got that down pat. A bit of a dip this week, but it's gotten its work in!

Dat Bass Tho: "Strip That Down" by Liam Payne ft. Quavo

This is kind of old and I think I talked about it earlier this summer, but this just seemed fresh to me this week and kept popping up. The hook is actually damned sexy and a great summer panty dropper. Classic back-to-school stuff now I suppose. That's right. Not going to do much in lieu of being a Real Jam at this point, but could be a fall thing.

Autumn Queen: "Look At What You Made Me Do" by Tay Sway

Yeah....this song is going to be big. Almost double Katy Perry's "Swish Swish" views already, Taylor makes everyone else look like a joke right now. I'll admit this track has grown on me a bit this week, and the video may actually be brilliant if you know anything about Taylor and her history. I really don't, so it remains indecipherable to me, but it might be a more canny critique of fame and media than first glance. Then again, it's an insane testament to her white girl ego that she expects everyone to be so knowledgeable about her. Again, I really like the breakdown, and the steady confidence of the camera work here is cooler than the forced meme-ing of "Swish Swish." That's not how memes work!

Next year...

We obviously don't know. Maroon 5's terrible new song, "It Ain't Me", "Stay", and the Foo Fighter's terrible new song all missed the cut this week. Tough tummies. Tomorrow we tally it all up and crown our new Summer Royalty! Stay tuned, folks!

Summer Jam 15: This One's DEFINITELY Live.

Hey - it's still Monday! We're in the antepenultimate week of Summer, and things could not be heating up with hotter heat. There are some challengers this week for sure, but more and more looking like a late upset will seal the deal. Read on to find out!

Hot Jam of the Week: "1-800-273-8255" by Logic ft. Alessia Cara and Khalid

This really a perfect zeitgeist-y mix of artists that also has a fairly powerful message. Cara is having a break-out 2017 and Khalid, while less known, and a much worse singer is also strongly debuting. Logic himself is just coming off a solid Rick and Morty appearance. Anyway, this is a powerful track that anyone can relate to if Matthew Modine walks in on you while cuddling some young hot dude. Don Cheadle is also making his music video appearance rounds this summer. Is Don Cheadle doing okay? But really, the name of this track refers to a National Suicide Hotline, and really has relatable meaning beyond forbidden homosexual love.

Since 1966: "Feel It Still" by Portugal. The Man.

This track has been hanging out all summer but came back a bit this week. It's still a remarkably rad song although it's been overshadowed quite a bit by other brighter stars. Like a moon over the sun. Eh? Eh? Ya'll 'clipsin? There's not really a chance this gets in our final count, but it's still a cool jam.

Whiskey Neat: "It Ain't Me" by Kygo ft. Selena Gomez

In the EDM pop musical chair this week is "It Ain't Me" back for more. It wasn't quite everywhere this week but popped up enough that it got back on my radar. This is still a really cute track that actually has a solidly bitter break-up message. Drinking is fun, though.

Get Nakey! "Wild Thoughts" by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna

This has ended up being a decent summer jam, although also 'clipsed by the rival Spanish-laden track that has done a solid job dominating this season. Rihanna really makes this track her own - I know DJ Khaled shows up and yells, but this doofy credit-sharing really needs to end. Why isn't this just a Rihanna song. I suppose it's to bring in the Khaled and at this point, probably Bieber fans, right? Ugh, whatever. It's still a mellow jam.

Nun Time: "Praying" by Ke$ha

I've been big on "Woman" but "Praying" is definitely a force this summer as well that we ought to throw down. I just love the liveliness of "Woman." Ke$ha is awesome and rocking the hell out of Summer 2017 by just being her and this is another great song championing inclusivity. She was everywhere this week, and again, a bit too late to the party for anything really Jam-worthy, but this is still cool. This is also an actual nice centerpiece for Ke$ha's voice without much auto-tune for once, which is amazing.

Vampire Pharrell: "Feels" by Calvin Harris ft. Katy Perry, Pharrell, Big Sean

I really dig this track, although I was struck this week by how much this feels like a desperately cobbled together Summer Jam, manufactured rather than an organic expression of art. Oh, this is a weekly pop countdown, every single song here was created out of a desire to make profit. But "Feels" was bit this week, including one morning where it blasted me awake on the radio FAR too loudly. I still think that Katy Perry is kind of underused, like they could have gotten any random pop chick to sing the bridge instead of one of the biggest stars on the planet.

Not JT: "Attention" by Charlie Puth

I actually did think this was a new Justin Timberlake song. Sorry, I don't know anything about Puth that's not "See You Again." This actually has a sick rumbly beat and has been hanging around for a while but I just had trouble cluing into it and actually understanding that it was a different track than Ed Sheeran's "Shape of You." Far too late to do anything, but acknowledged here.

Mamacito! "Despacito" by Biebs and the Bros

#1 once again is "Despacito" which is really solidifying its position as a possible Summer 2017 King candidate. It'll come down to these next few weeks and how "Issues" turns out, but it's looking damn good for Bieber right now. The Timing has been really solid for the most Core Summer Weeks and it's gotten to the point where everyone knows it. Hell, the pre-Bieber Luis Fonsi version was already a worldwide hit. This is looking more and more like it's in the bag.

Next week...

Things are really coming together, folks. Bruno Mars dropped a "Versace on the Floor" video this week and I really dig that song although it's not really all that popular. Hell, I almost threw in "That's What I Like" again, but resisted. There's a lot that can happen - tune in next week - same NMW time, same NMW place!

Hitmen, Racetracks, and a Whole Lot of Whitney Houston

Welcome again folks, to what's likely the last installment of this column for a while. Try as I might, it's tough to get excited over late August / September crap. We'll be back for IT (2017), though. It'll be the same exact preview as The Dark Tower (2017). But this is an exciting weekend because two big original films are hitting the theaters and they both look pretty good. We've got Ryan Reynolds vs. Sam Jackson in The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017) and finally, Steve Soderbergh's return to feature filmmaking with Logan Lucky (2017). Let's dive into both in that order.

There's not a ton of cultural context behind The Hitman's Bodyguard that isn't crazily meta. This is basically a distillation of these two giants' popular personas, thrown together to play off each other in what could be a hilarious series of action comedy events or a cliched mess that fails to deliver. Director Patrick Hughes is coming off The Expendables 3 (2014) so uh...probably the latter.

I've had it with these motherfuckin hitmen and their
motherfuckin bodyguards

It's weirdly got a horrible Rotten Tomatoes but a solid IMDB right now, so who knows. I'm always one to judge a film on whether or not it succeeds in what it's trying to do, and so far the consensus seems to be that Jackson and Reynolds have chemistry but the plot is whatever. To me, that sounds exactly what I'd expect from this movie. The entire premise should be a mere excuse to get these two Titans of R-Ratings on screen together to exchange insults and motherfuckers at each other for two hours until the movie just sort of ends. That could be an extremely entertaining flick.

Now, for some reason Ryan Reynolds is still allowed to make movies even though everything he's ever made that isn't Deadpool (2016) and The Proposal (2009) has failed miserably. Sam Jackson is nigh bulletproof, having made enough duds and triumphs over a ridiculous career to be acceptable in just about anything. It's been a while since he really headlined a flick. Maybe you count Hateful Eight (2015), but that was so blatantly about its ensemble (it's in the title), even if Jackson was probably our best protagonist. It's a fun and fresh kind of humour, and even though this script was written and blacklisted back in 2011, totally feels right for a post-Deadpool Ryan Reynolds and an anytime Sam Jackson.

My only real concern is if it feels too forced and exactly that - a Deadpool rip-off with the same actor doing the same kid of jokes in a cheap ploy to ride the success of that other movie. I definitely have that vibe. Late August is pretty awful for any release, but this isn't the kind of monumental blockbuster that's a huge risk, and the core concept of a bodyguard protecting his hitman nemesis is actually new and interesting while also being pretty simple. I think commercial prospects are solid, and like any comedy, especially one in as sparse a year as 2017, if it can win Funniest Movie of the Year, it'll be solid.

"Where've you been?"
"Enjoying death."

Now let's get to Logan Lucky. This isn't about an Irish Wolverine, this is Steven Soderbergh's retirement-ending bonkers North Carolina NASCAR heist film that I'm pretty excited to see. The cast is a dream with his somehow muse Channing Tatum leading the way and Daniel Craig all blonde and super un-Bond-like. Soderbergh is a weird dude whose filmography is insanely prolific. He seems to have no issue cranking out project after project in a wildly diverse array of genres. He's probably best known for his early efforts like Sex, Lies, and Videotape (1989), Schizopolis (1996), and the dual one-two of Traffic (2000) and Erin Brockovich (2000), which somehow came out in the same year.

Then he cashed in on the Ocean's 11 movies and developed this remarkably smooth editing style, almost building the entire film by montage that carried into a lot of his early 2010s work. He has his great 90s stuff for sure, but I actually really dig Contagion (2011), Haywire (2012), and Side Effects (2013). Haywire is continuously underrated, by the way, I thought about that the most coming up to Logan Lucky. Of course we've also got our greatest modern male stripper opus, Magic Mike (2012). All in all, Soderbergh films, without being really flashy or audacious, tend to find a niche in the cultural context, even if you don't really think of him as a Coen or Tarantino.

In his faux-retirement he did a lot of work on The Knick and random stuff like editing Magic Mike XXL (2015), but we were all just waiting for him to come back. Logan Lucky DOES look super-Coen Bros-y, and I'm curious to see if he can actually pull off the dumbass heist trope in a convincing and comedic way. There's little doubt that the man can, as he's a filmmaker who has sticked to his principles for nearly thirty years, even while making big celebrity-filled films like Ocean's Thirteen (2007). There's always a wit to his work and hopefully he hasn't lost the touch in the past...four years.

That's another thing - for all the griping about Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) and other miscellania, Summer 2017 has seen some great original films for once. We got Baby Driver (2017), Dunkirk (2017), Girls Trip (2017), Atomic Blonde (2017), and...can you count Wonder Woman (2017)? The obvious trend here is finally giving voices to marginalized people (non-Dunkirk, that is), and look at that - new, interesting stories that do pretty well at the box office! Logan Lucky is a bunch of white dudes, but to be honest, blue collar country folk more often star as backwoods rapists than heroes. I'm excited to see this trend continue.

So, that's it, folks. Summer's over. It's done. It's finished. Well, for the movies at least. We still got a few Summer Jams to crank out. What are you watching?!

Summer Jam Week 14: Weird Galactic Tunes. LIVE!

A week of reckoning is upon us all! It's with great excitement that we bring you yet another seven days of sunshiney fun and the hottest jams around. These last few weeks are critical for those tracks trying to get one more final push into 2017 Pop Relevancy. Let's dig in!

Hot Jam of the Week: "Guardian Inferno" by Zardu Hasselfrau

So yeah, this is basically just marketing. But it rules so much. It's merely a re-purposed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) theme into a pop disco hit. I didn't even pick up on the entire cast showing up until Karen Gillen's obvious face appears. Even Zoe Saldana just seemed obscured to me, mostly through the shitty 70s video filters. It's amazing getting the entire cast to stoop to this, and everyone, especially Pom Klementieff looks like they're having the time of their lives. I really just wanted to say the name Pom Klementieff, which is more bizarre than any galactic name. Wonder Woman (2017) just beat Guardians for superhero movie gross of the year, but this is a solid attempt at regaining relevancy.

Jamming Continues: "Strobelite" by Gorillaz

Humanz has been a little underrated as the Album of the Summer, but that's also because although it's pretty great, it's not really at Plastic Beach levels. Anyway, this vid dropped this week for probably the second-catchiest jam on the album. I'm weirdly weirded out by grown up, sexy Noodle since I mostly think of her as the child guitar prodigy from their self-titled debut, but I'm sure that's more just me being steeped in fake Gorillaz history. It's also kind of awkward just because of its cartoon-ness interacting with the real world and not really in character here, actually.

Fuckin with My Eyes Closed: "Body Like a Backroad" by Sam Hunt

Sure, this is back. Or maybe it never really left. Sam Hunt's massive crossover hit is making a great case for itself. I am infinitely curious to tally up the final numbers when this all shakes out. At this point we've got the candidates pretty well set but who will be the champ?! This remains a solid country tune, which is an insane thing that I never thought I'd type.

Sad Mouse: "That's What I Like" by Bruno Mars

This is another song that's come and gone all summer, and pretty much peaked far too early to be a real contender, but it's still had some flashes here and there. This week was one of those flashes for sure and it seemed like it popped up everywhere. What's cool is that it's at that point in its lifetime when everyone knows every word, so when it comes on during your party it's a true jam.

Giggle Fits: "Woman" by Ke$ha

This is still probably my favourite non-disco song of the week, but even though it wasn't and likely won't get much radio time, "Woman" was a big part of my life. Not #1 anymore, but a four or five week late run here could do some damage if she basically wins out. Since my ranking each week is so damn random, anyone can jump in. Let's go, Ke$h!

Scotch and Cherry Coke: "Stay" by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara

There's a solid competition this whole summer between this, "Issues" and "It Ain't Me" for EDM-ish girl pop jam. "Stay" has stayed, though, and remains a solid tune for at least one more week. The others are kind of done, but could still come back. "Issues" maybe had the best run out of all of them already, though. Will it be enough!?

1D Back in 2020: "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan

I'm decently proud of my complete lack of One Direction knowledge - apparently Niall is a member? Cool. "Slow Hands" is a solid jam and one of the better tunes to come out of that break-up. I was reading about how 1D has all these Beatles-esque solo projects out now. That's not remotely accurate, but this song has done a fine job this summer.

#1 With a Bullet: "Despacito" by Bieber and the Mexicans

"Despacito" actually might be putting everyone else to shame. The clear winner this week, this track doesn't really show any signs of slowing down. A cool tropical fusion jam featuring primarily Spanish singing? Why isn't this the Song of Every Summer?! There are still a few more weeks for sure, but for now, it's looking good for the Biebs.

Next week...

There's a lot that can happen here, folks. Ed Sheeran and Coldplay are still out there doing things that I basically just ignored this week because they suck. And you know, as the world basically descends into hell and chaos (oh hell, we've been on a rough road for a while now), we can all bask in the glory of Fifth Harmony moving on without Camilla Cabello.

Summer Jam Week 13: Moving Despacito into August LIVE!!

We're down to the final month, folks. It's all around amazing, but this Great Summer Season is almost completed. This truly saddens my typically gregarious heart, but alas, there is nothing to be done. Soon the leaves will fall, the pigskin will fly, and little unloved failed abortions will skip their way to through the schoolyard. Let's get into some hot jams!

Hot Jam of the Week: "Marmalade" by Macklemore ft. Lil' Yachty

Macklemore's 2017 stuff has been pretty shit, but this is actually a really awesome song. It doesn't quite hit the heights of "Downtown" (dammit, "Downtown" is my favourite Macklemore song for sure. Maybe "White Walls"), but it comes close. The video is hella cute and it's actually amazing that they found such kids that emulated the mannerisms of Mack and Yacthy. The Lil' Lil' Yachty in particular is perfect. It's a bit too late for any Hot Jam to take off, but this is cool for a few weeks.

Wiggly Time: "Feels" by Calvin Harris ft. Katy, Pharrell, and Big Sean

This song isn't totally a hook like it was a few weeks ago, but got some good attention around the Internets this week, particularly this compelling article, which I'd normally ignore in factoring in my hot decision, although in this case I totally agree with. It could be the bestly constructed track of the Summer, even if it didn't quite stay as long as it should have.

Young, Wild, and Free: "Young Dumb & Broke" by Khalid

This was almost Hot Jam of the week, but I just loved that Macklemore song more. Ironically, this means Khalid gets higher props as a result. It's a good track and Khalid, indeed young as hell, could be the next big thing in the rap game. Actually his voice is totally moany and groany. Catchy, though. It's got a nice zeitgeist feel, which is always rad.

Problems: "Issues" by Julia Michaels

Back again after a minute away, "Issues" makes a strong case for Song of Summer with a swell showing this week. There's a lot up in the air, though, and August can make or break a campaign. This is a solid track, though, and if Summer 2017 gave us anything it's this great up and coming artist getting her actual voice in front of the mike instead of the multitude of songs she's written for others over the years.

Gonna Feel the Back of My Hand: "Body Like a Back Road" by Sam Hunt

Julia Michaels' chief competition right now is this ditty, which had another good showing this week. Cross-over country hits always do really well, because hell, they're already popular as hell in country circles. When you add the rest of the population, forget about it. I think it'll come down to these, probably with some Ed Sheeran or something in there.

Who You Gonna Call: "911" by Tyler the Creator

Yes, now for the exact opposite of Sam Hunt. This is a weird track for Tyler the Creator, who is usually way harsher. Hell, just sample "Who Dat Boy" for some vintage Creator. This track got hot this week, though, in wake of Tyler's latest album, Flower Boy. It's a rad song in an album that is largely okay if not really spectacular. All in all too late to make a serious Summer Jam run, but ripe for the moment.

Bow to the Biebs: "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, and Bieber

Ha! I bet you thought "Despacito" was #1 this week! Well, it was close but I backed out at the last minute. It has to settle for the penultimate spot, but still had a sold showing over the past few days. It's also a definite contender for Summer King. These next four weeks are going to be exciting, folks!

A MUTHAFUCKIN WOMAAAN: "Woman" by Ke$ha

That's right baby. Ke$ha dropped a few other singles this week, but "Woman" remains the best thing she's done in years, possibly ever. It's actually a mature, not-that-auto-tuned track that sounds great, is fun as hell, and a crazy declaration of freedom after the hell she's been through the past few years. It was also all over the place this week, although not exactly radio-friendly. It was certainly stuck in my head forever.

Next week...

Well, as you can tell, we're all about the final stretch right now. "It Ain't Me" and "Stay" are super-still in play and Charlie XCX's "Boys", our Hot Jam last week was also certainly still hanging around, narrowly left off this week. A lot can happen - we got four more weeks of sweet beautiful sunshiny freedom, people! Crank up those knobs!

Summer Jam Week 12: July We Hardly Knew Ye. LIVE!

Amazingly, we close out July with a fairly underwhelming week in the world of tepid pop music. Sure these hot beats are driving our lives but what does it all mean, really? I've always been one to succumb to the temptation of mindless gyrating to distract myself from the world's real problems. That's what it's all about. Summer Jam Royalty baby! Let's dive in:

Hot Jam of the Week: "Boys" by Charli XCX

You are now gay. This is a nice sweet song, though, and a little bit more toned down from the nuttiness Charli XCX usually cranks out. It's also got just about every type of boy you could ever want featured at some point. It'd be cool if this takes off, but I'm going to go ahead and say it's unlikely.

Summer of Khaled: "I'm the One" by DJ Khaled ft. A Ton of Other People

Has anyone noticed that Bieber and Khaled in some kind of combination do seem to be ruling summer? I haven't always acknowledged it as such, but "I'm the One" popped on my radar this week more than usual, although it's been in the background and #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for quite some time now. We're pretty much past the point of prognostication now, and while in any other sane world this would have a clear chance at being named the Official Jam of Summer 2017, thanks to my insane personal methods there's no way.

Planet Moon: "Something Just Like This" by Coldpay & Chainsmokers

I've been pretty blatant about how much I hate this track as well, and we don't have to get back into that here. This song has also popped in here and there and seemed to surge this week for whatever reason. I can't remember turning on a band so quickly as I have with the Chainsmokers. I think it was after I realised that even though their beats seemed really innovative and distinctive, they only have one! This is like, exactly "Closer" but applied to a Coldplay song, which just makes it so much worse.

Obligatory Wedding or Graduation Greeting: "Congratulations" by Post Malone ft. Quavo

So this is admittedly pretty old, but I was listening to this on the radio this week and thinking to myself, "You know, this is a pretty solid track." And I'm right. Actually, watching this video makes me so less into Post Malone as this weird rasta white dude. I was literally picturing Lil' Yachty. He's kind of halfway between traditional and mumble rap styles. Now that I'm watching this idiot I kind of hate this track. I promise one of these will be positive.

Cults N Shit: "Now or Never" by Halsey

Here is a song that I still actually like and is still actually on a bit of an upswing rather than one that faded with the rest of the Summer Contenders. Halsey's voice is solid, sweet, and just a little raspy that is really appealing right now for some reason. She feels like an anti-pop starlet like Lana Del Ray but actually isn't at all, which is exactly why she works. If this is last jam standing, that'd be great, but it's never really felt dominant this Summer.

Sit, Roll Over: "Stay" by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara

Here's another one that's been around forever, but has grown on me as much as it's grown on America, apparently. The beat really isn't anything at all, but Alessia proves again that she could be one of the better pop voices of her generation. She really ought to get out of this typical shit and do some actually interesting, thoughtful work. She has done that I suppose but it hasn't reached Adele mainstream levels. That's way too harsh and judgy. I'm in a bitchy mood today.

Daylight: "Redbone" by Childish Gambino

Just let it roll. I obligated to throw down "Redbone" last week and I just heard it out quite a bit again, and even spurred some discussion with contemporaries of mine about its merit and value. It's all pretty high. I'm amazed at the truly artistic career that comedian and Community weirdo Donald Glover has made for himself and this could quietly kind of become a legit Summer Jam, old as it is.

Long and Winding Road: "Body Like a Back Road" by Sam Hunt

So, with a #2 spot last week and #1 this week, Sam Hunt is very much in the hunt towards immortal Summer Jam status. That's some wild stuff. This is still like the third ever country song that I can stand listening to, and it inspired that conversation like four times this week whenever it came on and I was around people. At this point it's time for jams to start clinching, and Julia Michaels' "Issues" needs to come back if it's going to make good on its frontrunner June status.

Next week...

There were plenty of other hot jams that I ignored because they were stupid. This includes Nicki Minaj's new joint with Future, Selena Gomez's "Fetish" video (sounds way hotter than it is), that weird one from Macklemore about his grandma, Demi Lovato's "Sorry Not Sorry" which is an awful song, and Kendrick Lamar's "Loyalty" which is totally legit, but I've also just overdone my Kendrick love this summer. Really the soundtrack for the Summer should just be DAMN. and that's it, but we've got other shit going on, people. Stay tuned!

Atomic Blonde or the Emoji Movie...A REAL SOPHIE'S CHOICE THIS WEEK

Well folks we're swinging towards the last weekend in July, which is typically about when the Summer Season is at a standstill. Sure, there are August releases I GUESS, and often there's one or two decent hits out of that, although this August is damn pitiful, with a few probably exceptions. Then again, this whole Summer has been a dumpster fire, again with a few exceptions, but generally pretty damn awful.

So we come to this weekend, which is crazily polarized. On the one end we have The Emoji Movie (2017) whose existence I can barely comprehend. On the other we have Atomic Blonde (2017) which looks like a fucking spectacular original action film we seem to get less and less of these days. Let's take these apart starting with the spawn of Satan shit:

This makes me want to fucking kill some children.

I haven't really even bought into the marketing material for The Emoji Movie. I watched the trailer once, immediately forgot about it and moved on with my life. The film was literally inspired by the director wanting to rip-off Toy Story (1995), then getting inspired when someone texted him an emoji. It feels like the sort of instantly-dated cultural cash grab that also inspired such non-starters as The Angry Birds Movie (2016) or Hackers (1995). That's right, we've been making terrible dated technology movies for twenty years.

Emojis are popular, I guess, but a bit thin for a feature screenplay, right? True, studios have made more out of less, particularly SONY, who for every Hotel Transylvania (2012) creates a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009) that totally works. Their animated track record, thanks to an onslaught of Smurfs movies (including one this year! Did you even fucking know that?!), is generally in the toilet. It's clear that Meatballs was mostly Phil Lord and Chris Miller doing their typical shtick, which involves treating an impossible property with enough meta-commentary about its impossible-ness that it becomes a hilarious piece of art.

None of this is apparent in The Emoji Movie, which feels like it will be followed up in a few years with The Fidget Spinner Movie (2018). Spinning a story out of this feels so completely desperate and hackneyed. Maybe it'll do well. There hasn't really been a great animated film yet this summer, with Despicable Me 3 (2017) doing garbage. That is of course what I said the weekend that Despicable Me 3 came out and of course, that did terrible. Emoji is at least original, sort of, and possibly free of fatigue. People might go watch it just out of infantile curiosity, but when that's your best hope, that's none too great, is it? Critically unless it's REAL cute or something, I don't know, I can't see this as anything more than an insignificant blip on the cultural radar before we all move on.

Atomic Blonde. Now here's a damn movie. For all her badassery, Charlize Theron hasn't had too many action titles under her name, probably because Æon Flux (2005) was such a disaster. Even though she's a well-liked Academy Award winner I kind of feel like she's been underrated her whole career. She does a lot of shit, but the big films she appears in are totally big for non-Charlize reasons. These are your Hancock (2008), your Prometheus (2012), Snow White and the Huntsman (2012), A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014). Even The Fate of the Furious (2017)! See, you forgot Theron was even in any of those.

This scene alone - holy balls

As a companion you have monumental performances in Monster (2003) and Young Adult (2011) amidst a ton of other crap no one has seen like The Burning Plain (2008) and Dark Places (2015). These are terrible movies. But of course there is one performance that has capitulated the actress to the top recently and I'm sure the only reason why Atomic Blonde is happening and that's Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), or as it may as well have been called, Mad Max & Imperator Furiosa Go to the Green Place. She's spectacular here in every way and it feels like she's finally back to the kind of badass action heroine roles she started and stopped because of a slew of terrible films. No more MRF for us.

Atomic Blonde also comes from David Leitch, who was half of the team that created John Wick (2014), and more importantly, has done stunts in every great action film of the past twenty years. This is his first solo foray, so there is some trepidation in his grasp of story, but as long as it's simple (it appears generally so, albeit with some Cold War intrigue), it ought to at least have a fantastic clarity of rhythm and action that's so lacking in every single action and adventure film out there these days. At the very least, Atomic Blonde ought to be another building block towards this hopeful new resurgence of pure action films, fueled by Leitch and pushed forward by John Wick: Chapter Two (2017) and even Logan (2017) just a few months ago. Leitch is also helming Deadpool 2 (2018), so we ought to get a good idea of how he can handle action and comedy in this flick.

There's also a scene where Theron gets it on with the chick who played the Mummy in that terrible Tom Cruise movie from last month! It's as if Leitch thought to himself, "You know what, I want to film the sexiest scene in movie history. Way sexier than when Zorro cuts off Catherine Zeta-Jones' dress in that barn." The attitude on display here just feels awesome.

Commercially the bar isn't incredibly high for Atomic Blonde to clear. Dunkirk (2017) ought to hold well since it's more of an adult film with a solid cinemascore, I'm betting it gets $25 or $30 million. That's the bar for #1. Second place is probably going to be like $15 million - if Valerian and a Bunch of Neon Shit (2017) could do that, Atomic Blonde ought to hit that. John Wick: Chapter Two opened to $30 million back in February, which somehow earned itself third place behind The LEGO Batman Movie (2017) and Fifty Shades Darker (2017). The Emoji Movie may rise up and nab the #1 spot, and I'm probably wrong about this because it's based on Hope for Humanity and nothing else, but I just think it'll bomb. Kids aren't that unruly this summer yet, right? Fuck. Fuck, they definitely are. Atomic Blonde only has a $30 million budget, which is also a big boon, but it'll probably be like third this week, but eventually make its money back. I don't see it being a runaway hit because it's just not that kind of movie, but it ought to do fine.

Critically it's already gotten a lot of love and a lot of people have been waiting a while for it, ever since it was called The Coldest City in my 2017 preview. Atomic Blonde really is just such a snappier title, right? What do you think? You going for Theron and McAvoy this weekend or are you watching Patrick Stewart voice a giant shit?

Summer Jam Week 11: Ed Sheeran, Hobos, and White Walkers, LIVE from Downtown Cincinnati!

Well, we're actually paying attention and on time this week, which is a big plus for everyone involved! Especially you, the reader. Oh, loyal reader. How naive you are to still be following this crackpot after we've jerked you around for eight years! Wanna hear some cherry jams? Yeah you do! Get an earful of this shit!

Hot Jam of the Week: "Talking to Myself" by Linkin Park

It was incredibly tragic this week to hear the news that the greatest Transformers-soundtrack contributor had passed away. Chester Bennington purportedly took his own life, who joins a really bummer year from rock frontmen. Let's not kid ourselves - Chester Bennington was no Chris Cornell and beyond that one summer between eight and ninth grade, Linkin Park blows. I fucking own Hybrid Theory, man. This song is no different, but RIP you terrible, terrible singer. I actually do dig a lot of those Transformers songs.

Jam or...Meme? "Redbone" by Childish Gambino

"Redbone" has of course been hanging out for a while both in general existence and as a weird steadily growing meme. I've actually started to hear it blast on the radio, though, which means that it's actually crossed over to old people's analog ears. It's really unlike any other song, certainly any modern song, which sounds as much like Donald Glover as Danny Glover, that's also good for just about any scenario. It's taken off in the Land of the Internet hardcore and while it's come on a big too gradual and yet also specific to really be a Jam contender, it's worth a commentary here.

RumNCola: "Stay" by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara

This is honestly a Julia Michaels / Selena Gomez / Alessia Cara roulette that the latter wins this week. "Stay" had a bare edge this week, and while it's an infinitely enjoyable pop jam for this moment, I am curious how much we revere it ten or twenty years down the road. In the year 2046 will we think back and be like "Damn, dat Zedd knew his beats..." This is perhaps unfair and crowning a Summer Jam champion is as much about reveling in the songs of the moment as anything else. Still, that "sittin on the sofa drinkin rum n cola" line gets me every time.

Whole Lotta LUUV: "Now or Never" by Halsey

Speaking of superfluous pop...Halsey seems to have a better pulse on grungy youth than most pristine artists out there. She's like the 2017 version of Ke$ha, if Ke$ha wasn't also making a little comeback. Same as "Stay" I do like one or two vocal moments here, mostly in that first bridge. Halsey has done better, but this is a groovy enough track for Summer 2017 that is on more an upswing than downswing.

If I'm Gonna Make a Weekly Jam Countdown I'ma Make It Look Sexy: "Element." by Kendrick Lamar

And with that, we've achieved the longest joke introduction title ever. We're all pretty proud over here. "Element." may be crawling up to be my fav DAMN. track, and it was stuck in my head all week. It doesn't really have that gargantuan "Humble." immediate widespread appeal, but it's still a quality track that deserves its own fight in this jungle of wild misty summer jams.

Nakey Nakey Nakey: "Wild Thoughts" by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna

Just in time for her latest movie Valerian and the Journey to the Center of Valerian (2017) to bomb, we've got a way better Rihanna song that sizzles this summer. It's still fresh enough that I momentarily forget that it exists when it comes on and then I shimmy shimmy get into it. Like most collabos I wish Bryson Tiller or whatever was not involved and this was just a RiRi show, but what can you do. A few minutes past the summer halfway point this could still charge pretty solidly.

Whiplash: "Body Like a Back Road" by Sam Hunt

Just to go in the complete opposite direction, "Body Like a Back Road" came back in a big back road way this week and remains one of the now half-dozen country tracks that I can actually tolerate. It's been here and out all summer and will probably end up making a swell case for itself, although I might suspect true jamdum eludes it.

The Night's Watch: "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran

So during last week's um...escapade I gave "Shape of You" the unofficial winning node, but I thought he probably deserved his own write-up. This week was much more Sheeran-y anyway. Sure, you got Game of Thrones to push that, and whether you dug the cameo or not, who cares, people were talking Eddy and listening to this shitty song. It's all good. Here's your true #1 week.

Next week...

By now we really have a strong contingent of contenders contemplating the conquering of Summer. We ignored a whole bunch this week including "Issues", "Despacito", "It Ain't Me", and "Bad Liar" which I re-watched and damn that video is so stupid weird. I also really still like "Feels". Anyone else? I guess not. All of these are canonized and fo sho in the mix, although with my haphazard throwing around of winners and losers who knows. That's part of the fun, folks! Stay tuned as we wrap up July!

White Guys, Black Chicks, and White People in Space

That's a solid description of Dunkirk (2017), Girls Night (2017), and Valerian and the City of The Two-Long Title (2017), right? So damn accurate.

We've got three big films coming out this weekend, and like every other damn weekend of the year for all eternity, it's time to discuss the cultural, commercial, and critical potential of each. Let's start with the film that I know next to nothing about, since in the above description, I fit most closely in the "White People in Space" category.

I didn't even know Queen Latifah was still alive

Girls Trip is such an insignificant film that you didn't even notice that I called it Girls Night two paragraphs earlier. That's also because it also totally feels like the black version of Rough Night (2017), which did piddly-shits a few weeks ago. The cast of Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Regina Hall sounds really awesome in 2003, but apparently the big star turn here is Tiffany Haddish, whose career up until now has been so ratchet that her IMDB picture has an ImageCollect watermark all over it.

This is all talking a lot of trash, but it's already actually gotten some decent critical reviews, and although a female black comedy is as rare as an albino Eskimo, like any comedy, if it's got the goods, it can do well. So far this year has been anathema to funny films at the box office, with The House (2017), Baywatch (2017), Snatched (2017), and the aforementioned Rough Night all being complete trash. That's not even to mention CHiPs (2017) and Fist Fight (2017). Comedy is comedy, and apparently a bit of Girls Trip works, although I imagine the all black female cast would be a hurdle towards getting the white bro crowd to the cinema.

Still, when was the last big film focused on African Americans that wasn't also a slavery film that made most of its money off white guilt? You got me. There's underrated potential here although I'm totally not the demographic. My guess is that culturally it falls into that big Think Like a Man Too (2014) / The Best Man Holiday (2013) / Baggage Claim (2013) pile of erudite black comedies. See, you hadn't even heard of that last one. But like anything else, if it's genuinely good, it'll find its niche.

Meh, I bet Venom's hardly even in this movie

Moving on to focus on a bunch of white guys with white guy problems we have the highly anticipated Chris Nolan film, Dunkirk, about a huge British loss in World War II the film is apparently painting as "heroic" now. I was honestly disinterested in this as well beyond the fact that Nolan generally makes pretty great films. That's not to say they aren't without their problems, but that's almost always thematically, not technically. At the very least he's good for a Top 10 spot on End of Year lists. We haven't had a war film on the scale or prestige level as Dunkirk in some time, hell, the World War II genre hasn't had a really notable entry since, what, Inglorious Basterds (2009)? If that even counts? Sure we got Hacksaw Ridge (2016) last year, but that was very focused on one soldier's story (also in the Pacific Theater). I suppose we had Fury (2014), but that's more often brought up as a defense of David Ayer's competent filmmaking when talking about what a disaster Suicide Squad (2016) was. So, it's been a while.

What you can be most excited for is that for some reason Chris Nolan has positioned himself as one of the only Hollywood directors capable, willing, and able to make original movie content that's actually shot on film. It's amazing that that's where our standards are in 2017, but there you go. I'd consider this really only his third large scale original film since he got free reign to do whatever he wants after The Dark Knight (2008). Inception (2010) and Interstellar (2014) certainly have their detractors, and some of that is valid, but they're both gorgeous looking films that more importantly were cultural landmarks in their years. It's fine to make a bad film, but really awful to make a forgettable film. Quick - remember King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)? That was like two months ago. We're still wading through Inception memes. Nolan is really good at canonizing what he makes and finding ways to stick in the popular consciousness, regardless if his work tends to be self-serious and grandiose at best, and crippled by pragmatism over creativity at worst.

Dunkirk also follows an incredibly unique time structure, which is no real secret, but if you're a purist, I suppose SPOILER for this paragraph. It follows a week on land, a day on sea, and an hour in the air for various groups involved in the evacuation. Apparently it executes this mechanic with such aplomb that it's a sight to behold. Will there be a van falling off a bridge in slow motion, though? We can only hope.

Nolan fans tend to go to the cinema no matter what he's churning out, although there is certainly a different kind of barrier here. Lots of comic book fans who Nolan converted during his run at Batman were also sci-fi fans who gladly supported Inception and Interstellar. The War genre is a different kind of animal, perhaps more attractive to all our dads. My guess is it does well, especially after War for the Planet of the Apes (2017) wasn't really a juggernaut and Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) has faded a little faster than I thought it might. Still, I don't think it'll reach the heights of his other flicks.

Lastly we have Luc Besson's Valerian and A Bunch of Weird Monsters and an Indescribable Plot, which is both the most expensive non-US film of all time and the most expensive indie of all time. Apparently Besson doesn't give a shit about any of that, which makes him the even better version of all that shit I said above about Chris Nolan. It's actually a way more manageable risk, since he's not betting any studio money on this thing. And yeah, unfortunately, unless it clears a ton of cash, due its budget, it will almost certainly feel like a failure.

It turns out Tatooine is just one long beach

That's the thing though - when you think internationally, as the French Besson surely does, clearing $400 or $500 million worldwide isn't a crazy hurdle. Lucy (2014) hit about that without nearly the same amount of sheer spectacle that's tailor-made for non-English audiences, and adjusted for inflation his other big space opus The Fifth Element (1997) about hit that, too. Sure, the biggest star her is probably Cara "Enchantress" Delevingne (although apparently Rihanna is somewhere in that mess), which is a few notches below Scarlett Johansson or Bruce Willis, but it's about time we put that celebrity-selling movies thing to the test.

Look, of course, Valerian looks insane and all over the place. It's a mish-mash of everything you could possibly think of and I'm sure the effects will detract and distract more than enhance and service the story, but isn't this bonkers, crazy $180 million passion project exactly what we've always wanted? Or is it another Jupiter Ascending (2015)? As long as it isn't incredibly stupid it ought to avoid that distinction.

I fear, though, that that's all Valerian is - a soulless spectacle. There is no hint of story or stakes in any of the marketing material. All we've got is a lot of bright lights and insanity. That's fine, but you're gonna have a tough time convincing Joe America to fork over eight hard-earned bucks to sit through this nonsense. Then again, Valerian feels more like it was made for that kid in Swaziland or the bloke in Australia, or some random Japanese anime fan more than for American audiences.

Thus, we have the clincher - Valerian could prove to not only be a really new and unique filmmaking model on how to acquire funding for your insane mega-blockbuster that doesn't involve Superheroes or Frankenstein, but also a distribution method that truly accepts the Global Audience rather than pandering to them. I'm very curious to see how Valerian does and if it can truly be the modern 2017 movie I think it is trying to be. Or it could suck and we never speak of it again.

Lots of options this week, and damn if the summer doesn't start drying up soon. We got Atomic Blonde (2017) and The Dark Tower and that's pretty much it, folks. What are you seeing this weekend?

Summer Jam Week 10: LIVE! Let's just Move Past the Lateness for a Quick One

To update you folks once again, I've been in the process of moving to Cleveland this whole month and it's gone relatively smoothly, but I also lacked Internet for a good five days there. This of course didn't stop me on my phone, but after eating up my month's allotment of data in the first three days I decided to chill on the YouTubing Summer Jams.

So, for the first time ever during a Summer Monday, I don't have a list for you. This is tragic, and we'll have to get back at it next week. For now, know that the jams in contention were the typical, "Issues" by Julia Michaels, "Sign of the Times" by Harry "Dunkirk" Styles, "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran (probably the #1 bastard after managing a rando Game of Thrones appearance), "Despacito" by the Biebs and Daddy Yankee, and "It Ain't Me" by Selena. How many is that? Five? That's good enough.

For your Hot Jam, dish on "Woman" by Ke$ha ft. The Dap-Kings Horns, whatever that is:

On Monday we'll return to your regularly scheduled Hot Summer Jam programming.

The Age Old Question Finally Answered! Apes or Humans?

Three years ago I extensively covered the bizarre history of this franchise - from one of the greatest sci-fi films of all time to an excessive amount of fairly popular sequels, a television show, a completely terrible Tim Burton / Mark Wahlberg film, and the more recent trilogy that has found a way to stand out by being excellent blockbuster films. Today we see this trilogy end (maybe, who knows these days) with War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), which by all means is a fucking masterpiece.

Gorilla Glacier

It's amazing to me that that's been the signifier of this franchise. The producers seem to rely on just making really good movies in order to fill the seats. It's taking a totally outrageous, pulpy B-movie concept and treating the characters with realistic humanity and depth, despite the most interesting (and most consistent) ones all being CGI apes. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) tends to take a while to get going and it's crazy to think back and remember that James Franco played a main character, but its last hour is damn solid. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) was a little glacial for me, and besides the outstanding opening and ending, had a middle that I think developed its themes less than people wanted it to. It was basically just a competent summer film, which is so amazingly rare that it received mountains upon mountains of praise.

I wonder if War is similar. It's likely very good, but I'd be shocked if it could be one of the best of the year. We've actually had a solid amount of really good blockbusters this year, from Logan (2017) to Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017), to hell, even Wonder Woman (2017) and Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017). The difference seems to be that there are no middle-ground tentpoles this year. Everything else is so damn unspeakably terrible. We've had some other films do really well that were also really good like Get Out (2017), although that definitely didn't feel like a film that was trying to be as big as it was (that obviously helped it). War might be good, but can it stand with the rest of these? And every other great movie that's coming out this summer and fall?

That's the big question. Critically this film is already in the bag, which more and more is a huge factor with audiences who'd rather not pay a fortune to sit through hours of crap, especially when it's no big secret anymore whether a film is good or not. This will obviously boost its commercial potential, which I see being pretty solid. Dawn did decent, but that was during the weird Summer of 2014, where every single movie made like $200 million - not out of the park, but not slouching, either. There were so many that cranked that out that they overcrowded each other.

Beyond Dawn we're pretty much out of Summer. We've got Dunkirk (2017), Valerian (2017), Atomic Blonde (2017), and The Dark Tower (2017), all of which actually have solid potential to be both great films and financially successful, but none really feel like an impending $400+ million dollar juggernaut that will destroy any other flick's prospects. Its worst competition may come from Spider-Man: Homecoming, but that ought to draw a slightly younger crowd. After all, for all its inherent camp, the Planet of the Apes franchise takes its material pretty intense and adult-driven. That alone ought to give it a good niche, albeit one that Dunkirk and The Dark Tower are surely also going after. I'm generally optimistic, especially since it's all alone this weekend.

Culturally, it's a bit tough. There's an easy way this can all blend together, particularly with Dawn, which seemed to have a lot of the same themes and styles, particularly when it leaned into the eponymous War near the end. It's always nice that it trades out its human stars, though, and the winter setting with Woody Harrelson ought to be distinctive. Then again, should we play the "Name All Planet of the Apes Movies from the '70s Game?" Can you do it? Close your eyes then check below, starting with the first sequel post-Heston:

But none have Colonel Kurtz!

Beneath (1970), Escape (1971), Conquest (1972), and Battle (1973). Rise was basically a remake of Conquest and Dawn a redux of Battle (yes, I've made an effort to watch all of these - ugh), and they do a fine job. This however presents an interesting conundrum - where does War land? There is no inherent inspiration point which gives it an intriguing position in the greater mythology. So far the remake franchise (prequel isn't totally accurate - Escape on were all technical prequels due to time travel) has shied away from direct homage to the most iconic moments from the original Planet of the Apes (1968) besides Draco Malfoy's line here. And if you look at those scenes side by side you can see how it's not just an empty reference, but an inverse interaction which serves as just as much of a linchpin moment in Rise as it did for Charlton Heston. That's what makes these movies work - they aren't filled with cheap pandering moments, but they don't ignore their heritage, either. Well, by now the franchise has moved on enough and proven their superiority that they aren't really beholden at all to their source material, which is a rare distinction to earn.

That's really important - no one cares about stomping on the heritage of Beneath the Planet of the Apes (that's how it'll end! With a bunch of mutants worshiping a nuclear bomb underneath the earth!). War is free to use its inspiration to do whatever the hell it wants, and apparently create a pretty damn good movie in the process.

Since Dawn we've actually seen the franchise expand quite a bit into weird places, although still hooked on the 1970s iconography. You've got then mixing in with Tarzan and Green Lantern. I mean, who knows why any of this dumb shit is happening. I would like to see Caesar get in on that fun, though. Maybe then at least Andy Serkis can get his Academy Award nod. Not bloody likely.

This franchise is as legitimate as they can get, though. I'm weirdly not totally pumped up, though - maybe because I'm not totally interested in how it all ends. It's more like, "Oh, another battle? Cool." There's not too much to directly get excited about - especially since it's clear that we're not anywhere near Captain Taylor yelling at the Statue of Liberty, and if we were, that wouldn't matter, either. This series has been so incremental and careful that it's interesting to see the final confrontation of Man vs. Ape, and maybe that's good enough, but I don't see much reason to become invested. Unless this really is just the masterpiece it supposedly is.

What do you think? You checking it out?

Summer Jam Week 8: TOTALLY ON TIME LIVE EDITION

I rarely talk about my personal life here (read: never), but I'll note that this post was a day late because I just got a new job in Cleveland, Ohio and spent most of the weekend driving across the country. I know this doesn't make up for my Jam-tardiness. You've been waiting for this forever. I did listen to a ridiculous amount of Jam Candidates in the car, though, making this the most accurate rundown ever.

Hot Jam of the Week: "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar



This isn't nearly as catchy or invigorating as "Humble." or "DNA." but the video full of slow motion rage is damned spectacular. I think Kendrick's shot at a legit Summer Jam has probably passed, but he's a solid contender for straight-up album of the Summer with DAMN. which keeps churning out incredible singles proving that he's a rapper without real parallel right now.

I Get a Little Bit Franklin Han: "Genghis Khan" by Miike Snow

I'll stop highlighting obscure alt songs as legit pop competitors soon but I had this track in my head all week this week. I've had so many weeks like this this summer, but particularly this week. It's so damn earwormy. It's not much for radio play yet, but that hardly matters. I'm curious to see what else Miike's got for us.

Through the Jungle: "Wild Thoughts" by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna, Bryson Tiller

I'll admit to being thoroughly unimpressed by this at first listen last week, but it's grown on me a bit and I've enjoyed it more as it's begun to rise up this week. It's actually a decent latin guitar-filled Summer tune that could strike it big if it gains a bit more traction. I'm curious if it's actually TOO chill, though. There's not too much here and Rihanna just kind of shows up, but it's got a nice amount of bite to it.

More Latino: "Despacito" by Justin Bieber ft. Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee

I'm not really sure if this is a true Bieber song or not, but the Bieber version is totally the better track. Who knows what he's singing about - something about a burrito - but it's still a pretty sexy sunny summer jam to chew on. What do Caribbeans do all year long? It's summer every day, right? I'm glad we Americans at least appropriate their culture from May to August. It's a good time.

More New Americana: "Now or Never" by Halsey

I dig Halsey's voice, especially as this new generation's grimy go-to track filler, although her solo stuff is probably her best. The high notes here towards the beginning are gorgeous and totally suitable for some pop-jam-ness. I'm a bit worried this song isn't distinctive enough at all to really jump out - indeed the beat is totally uninspiring. We'll see how it goes.

Sippin Rum n Cola: "Stay" by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara

Here's an oldie but a goodie that definitely had an upsurge this week. I couldn't even really separate this from other Alessia Cara songs, but I do really enjoy that "Sippin Rum n Cola" bit, hence my shout-out above. This really adds to the female EDM pop wave that's crashing all over Summer 2017, which isn't totally a bad thing, but really feels like a lot of the same thing. This is enjoyable, but also kind of whatever. It's been around for a long damn time, too, and may not have much energy left to be a viable jam.

Unstoppable: "Issues" by Julia Michaels

I may be calling it now - "Issues" has a huge lead. This could very well be it. Even running through the rest of this list for the week there's not really another song that already feels SO 2017. There is a lot of Summer left, of course, as we're just about to crest the halfway point, but it'd be cool to see Julia Michaels run out in front of this.

Whiskey Neat: "It Ain't Me" by Kygo ft. Selena Gomez

There were some heavy contenders this week, but "It Ain't Me" rose to the top to complete our extensive series of female vocal-led EDM tracks. I like this jam, but I do think it could do a bit more lyrically with the tension between love and moving on from helping a helpless drunken jerk. It feels pretty Summer, though, and it's star will shine bright yet.

Next week...

As we round Independence Day Weekend we're nearly at the half-way point, which is a miracle. There were plenty of jems I left off this week including Calvin Harris' new mega-collabo "Feels", DJ Khaled and Justin Bieber's "I'm The One", Miley's "Malibu", and Niall Horan's "Slow Hands", which gives me sincere pains to ignore. Stay tuned to see them crack next week!

From Transormers To Transformographagizers

Okay, listen - we need to get something out the way right now - this blog's fate is and always will be intrinsically intertwined with Michael Bay's Transformers franchise. I never thought I'd write that. Ever. Amazingly, this franchise predates this blog, going ten years strong now, but one of my first articles ever was an exceedingly long impression of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), and then another one when I saw the film a second time in IMAX. For a little behind the scenes info, for some reason my Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) impressions are the #2 all-time viewed post on this site. Hey, you tell me. Also Age of Extinction (2014) exists.

But in this one, Optimus chops off a bunch of heads!

I've written 26 posts with some reference to this terrible franchise, most notably recently an analysis of the series of bizarre Last Knight (2017) feminist trailers that continue to be inexplicable and incongruous with a franchise that obsessively oggled Megan Fox's car mechanic ass and continually throws glasses on hot women because they're also the smartest women in the world. That's a lot to take in. I ranked The Last Knight as #2 on my most anticipated Summer Movies. Am I totally off base and insane here? In a summer of continually dwindling returns, barring a few great exceptions, what makes another mindless and horribly stupid Transformers sequel stand out? That was so many links. Catch up.

For some reason, and this is likely totally in my head, I feel as if Transformers tends to own its stupidity better than other movies. King Arthur (2017) can't escape its self-seriousness amidst the sheer dumbness of using its Arthurian Legend mythology as a basis for blockbuster entertainment. Alien: Covenant (2017) can't escape the fact that it's just a lesser version of Alien (1979) with a hackneyed sprinkle of proto-Alien (Prometheus [2012]). Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) is so long-dead and played out without knowing it to be embarrassing. It keeps leeching off Johnny Depp's stardom, ironically without realizing that although it was the vehicle that propelled him into the stratosphere, it's now the reason why people are most sick of him.

How does Transformers escape these issues? Well, for the population at large I'd argue that it largely doesn't. Age of Extinction grossed substantially less dollars stateside than any other release, despite making 77% of its profit overseas to still crack a billion at the global box office. That was obviously a lot of Chinese pandering, which along the way became a poster child for the new international model of blockbuster filmmaking - sacrificing a coherent story for greater worldwide returns. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, this is a business after all, never more so than with this franchise.

And that's just it - I often think that a film fails or succeeds based on what it's trying to do. Transformers have never pretended to be anything other than an absurdly eye-rolling exercise in making money. They have no pretense whatsoever of being art of any kind. Its product placement borders on Josie and the Pussycats (2001)-levels to the point of parody. It ignores almost any kind of overarching story or plot progression between installments, favors flashy attention-grabbing visuals over a coherent style and heavily believes in sex, explosions, and robots that hide an intricate space age melodrama that could be explained or could not be. Videos like this are hilarious because their outrageous suggestions are only a shade more insane than what you're actually seeing on screen.

Let's look at this flick next to The Mummy (2017) from two weeks ago. Like Johnny Depp, Cruise's star ain't shining so bright no more, although to his credit, he's still fairly popular in the public consciousness. Still, he's terribly miscast. Transformers kind of works because these CGI robots will never get old. Has there ever been a more endearing CGI character than Optimus Prime? Sure you got Caesar in the newer Planet of the Apes movies (who is totally a better character), but he didn't pull off five movies in ten years, totaling over $4 billion by the time The Last Knight is done. When Mark Wahlberg gets old and weird they can find some new dumb human sidekick to slap in there - it clearly didn't bother anyone when Shia LaBeouf was trashed. None of that shit is why people watch these movies. Explosion! KER-KROOOOSSHH! Baysplosion!!!

This isn't just a mix you can throw together anywhere, though. Battleship (2013) failed because it didn't wear its stupidity on its sleeve enough. It's as if Transformers was humble enough to admit to itself, "Listen, these are giant films based on a crummy 80s television cartoon that was designed to sell toys. Let's embrace this completely moronic identity and have some damn fun with it." There is no shame to be found anywhere here. Why does Michael Bay keep making these films? He had Pain & Gain (2013) in there - a legitimately great, yet also completely bonkers film! Should we be grateful or saddened that this has taken 10 years of his life away from other insanely dumb movies? Transformers are five bullets and counting out of Bay's career. We could have had five other terrible films. Imagine a Michael Bay Cowboys & Aliens (2011) or Michael Bay's Edge of Tomorrow (2014). These are weird dreams.

Nope.

So what about The Last Knight specifically? Oh, who cares. The story doesn't matter, and we already know it's something incomprehensible. I'll admit anger in what I perceive to be Diesel's bunging of the "Leader Gone Bad" 2017 trope in The Fate of the Furious (2017). I want to see Optimus Prime as a true blue evil sumbitch. Of course, that's not the only thing going on here by far. Weird little girl struggling to survive in a partially destroyed Chicago? Ancient Medieval Transformers? Mark Wahlberg returning as the inexplicably named Cade Yeager? Anthony Hopkins having literally no idea what's going on?! See, this is what it's all about. Take a great actor, who has no qualms whatsoever about spending his twilight years in trash after trash, who is so damn GAME for this stupid crap. I love how Hopkins has played old wizened characters for like thirty years now. You have to just give in to this level of ridiculousness that is so far beyond anything else Hollywood is doing this summer. This isn't a desperate cry for attention like Pirates of the Caribbean attempting another go at a dead franchise, this isn't a pathetic failed start to a terribly misguided shared universe that was doomed before it began. This is Transformers. They don't give a flying monkey fuck what you think of them because they've never made a good movie. There's no tainting of the franchise or argument against excess or "getting it back to its humble roots" or any of that crap. This is nuts and proud of it.

Age of Extinction wasn't actually even about saving the world or anything, come to think of it. The only destruction was that evil black alien robot bounty hunter using his magnetic pulse to try to suck up Optimus Prime. And Frasier just wanted to kill the Transformers for the sake of America. Oh, I guess there was that Galvatron bit, but he didn't really have a plot, just running amok and ruining Apple's image. Damn that's three plots right there. Any other film would be content to pick any single one, but Transformers doesn't even stop there! Cade Yeager and his failed farm / hot daughter, baby! I love it. I love it so much. It's not for everyone, though.

There's some cool shit here for diehards, though. We finally get Hot Rod on screen, who was probably notable enough to be in the original Transformers (2007), but has taken five movies to get to for some reason. We also get the return of Megatron, which I think is kind of lame, since Galvatron being insane is the single greatest part of The Transformers: The Movie (1986), and then throughout Season Two. I'm really just waiting for Unicron. It's taken them so damn long. I suppose we'll get that in Transformers 19 (2045) or whatever. Maybe we'll get Beast Wars then too. Let's finally get to what we're here for, that cultural, commercial, critical crap.

First, it's no secret where the critical consensus will land. Dark of the Moon may have been the most solid reviewed, but generally Transformers is seen as okay, then anything else has a tough time breaking 40% on RT. There's simply no way The Last Knight can or will ever be considered a good movie in a context-free, objective, filmmaking-perspective.

And uh...Lobsterfacemotron.

Commercially, it ought to do well, I'm thinking that it will have a similar Age of Extinction feel, where it doesn't do great stateside but cleans up overseas, although almost certainly to a lesser extent. The world is weary. Then again, it has next to no competition. Wonder Woman (2017) is still anyone's best bet in theaters, and although it will assuredly clear $300 million domestically (probably next week), it won't get to $400 million, and it's long enough in release for anticipation to burn off. The Mummy isn't threatening anyone, and last week's four films seemed to split everyone up pretty thoroughly, with all non-All Eyez on Me (2017) insanely underperforming. And I don't usually talk about last week's pictures here, I mean, that's old news, but damn, Rough Night (2017). What the hell happened? I may chalk this up to being another forgettable comedy with a terrible title, but how much must Kate McKinnon's talents be wasted until she becomes a movie star?

Looking into next week, there's not much to stand in The Last Knight's way. We got like, Baby Driver (2017) and The House (2017), but they won't really threaten the audiences that are going to see Transformers. After that I do think it'll run into trouble with Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), War of the Planet of the Apes (2017), and Dunkirk (2017) back to back to back, which will all assuredly make some bank.

Culturally, Transformers is here to stay. That's for sure. I don't know if The Last Knight will really have a lasting impact, Age of Extinction really didn't - it's all just kind of more shit at this point. Still, Dino-bots. Those are cool. I suppose a lot of the iconography of Extinction has stuck around, and some scenes are sweet, but there's literally nothing in the plot that stands out in my mind. This will be the same shit. I know it, you know it, Anthony Hopkins knows it. It's all good.

So there you go. You know I love writing about this schlocky dumb crap. Are you still into this decade-old franchise or ready to kick it to the scrapyard? For now, let's watch the trailer again:

See you around the playground, friendo.