13 May 2017

NMW's Totally On-time Summer Movie Preview!

That's right - it's time to go through an exhaustive list of every film coming out this summer. It's alright that we're already two weeks into the official Summer Movie Season - you didn't miss anything. We went pretty in-depth last year, and I assure you that we care much much less with each year that goes by. So let's start with what dropped two weeks ago:

Anticipation levels are out of 10,000

MAY

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Anticipation Level: 8653 - Marvel is on a ridiculous streak of competence (not really excellence, but surely competence), and the first one was amazing on all levels.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Anticipation Level: 3079 - No one cares about this.

Snatched

Anticipation Level: 5436 - This could be pretty entertaining and Amy Schumer can be good or bad, but it's the return of Goldie Hawn that has a lot of people interested.

Alien: Covenant

Anticipation Level: 4550 - I was actually a big fan of Prometheus (2012) when it came out, although my eagerness has waned with more fridge realizations of how much that story made no sense. This looks exactly like Alien (1979) which is exactly as good and as bad as you want that to be.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

Anticipation Level: 0349 - I don't know what this is.

Baywatch

Anticipation Level: 8043 - This is looking top to bottom like a fun movie that really gets what it is, although we'll see if it just apes 21 Jump Street (2012).

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Anticipation Level: 3374 - Javier Bardem is inspired casting, but the last one was pretty bad. So bad I even forget its name. Was it like Davy's Locker or Sunken Treasure or something? On Stranger Tides (2011), that's right. The promotional materials aren't that shitty, but we just seem so worn of this by now.

JUNE

Wonder Woman

Anticipation Level: 6792 - I don't totally care about Wonder Woman, although really sinking into her character can be pretty interesting if it's done right. All the marketing has been excellent so far and this could be hype. Then again, it could be like every other DC movie and be total shit.

The Mummy

Anticipation Level: 1334 - I don't understand on any fundamental level the process that went into creating any aspect of this film. The Tom Cruise stunts for the sake of stunts angle, the Universal Monsters shared universe angle (can't wait to see how it ties into Dracula Untold (2014)! Or not), or the misplaced tone. The Brendan Frasier Mummy movies were actually really enjoyable camp, but this is just altogether bizarre.

Cars 3

Anticipation Level: 0457 - I'm about as excited for this as I was for Cars 2 (2011). Or Cars (2006). There was actually that chilling first trailer, which is kind of bold and interesting, but I'm confident about my life moving on without any interaction with this material.

Rough Night

Anticipation Level: 7844 - Scarlett Johansson may be somewhat miscast here, but the rest of the troupe is an unrivaled comedy dream team. I have reservations over this being similar to a lot of other movies out there, from Bridesmaids (2011) to Bachelorette (2012) to hell, even Very Bad Things (1998), but I enjoyed all those movies, so maybe that's not a bad thing.

Transformers: The Last Knight

Anticipation Level: 9006 - Hell yeah! I've grown more and more into accepting this franchise's absurd idiocy and absolutely love every insane facet to come out of the marketing material so far. The Transformers franchise is so dead and gone, but no one tell Michael Bay that.

Baby Driver

Anticpation Level: 9007 - just slightly above Transformers, of course. Everything about this screams awesome visual filmmaking like few besides Edgar Wright can do. The last time he struck out from the Cornetto Trilogy we got the fabulous Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2011) and everything from the cast to the premise looks fantastic.

Despicable Me 3

Anticipation Level: 1899 - Trey Parker voicing some weird 80s Supervillain is interesting, especially since he and Matt Stone have shied away from a lot of non-South Park Hollywood work since Team America (2004), and this is also the kind of stuff they'd usually make fun of. Still, Trey is an amazing voice actor and a huge get. I don't care about anything else in this franchise.

JULY

The House

Anticipation Level: 2981 - I wish modern comedies had more distinctive names. Even Rough Night is just so vague. I had to look this up before I remembered that it's a surprisingly rare Will Ferrell / Amy Poehler vehicle that should be getting more hype than it is. That may be because the premise is pretty weak and the first trailer was largely a dud.

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Anticipation Level: 4232 - This isn't really doing it for me - I'm sure it'll be just fine and I'm really looking forward to writing a lengthy post about Mike Keaton's Batman to Birdman to Vulture journey, but there's not a ton here to get excited about. Maybe that's because Captain America can be in a political thriller movie, Wonder Woman can be in a period war movie, Deadpool can be in a comedy, Wolverine can be in a western, but Spider-Man is just kind of Spider-Man. I think the official moniker they're going for is a John Hughes movie, but fuck it, Spider-Man 2 (2004) was as pure a superhero movie as we're ever going to get and it was grand.

War for the Planet of the Apes

Anticipation Level: 5000 - right down the middle. I stay up late at night wondering if Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) was a good movie or not and feel much of the same here. I like the continued cycle of human actors, and a menacing Woody Harrelson is inviting, but I feel like this will be the Star Trek Beyond (2016) of this summer - great competent blockbuster filmmaking that no one cares about.

Dunkirk

Anticipation Level: 4126 - It's not often that I'm not up for a Chris Nolan film, but nothing about Dunkirk that's been presented so far has been awfully interesting. He's a great director who can find meaning in almost any material and is great at offering new takes on tried subjects, and you'd easily think that a Nolan War movie would be great. I hope it is, but I have no reason to blindly believe it will be.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Anticipation Level: 6045 - Despite the mouthful title, this feels like Luc Besson going nuts and I love it. The weirder the better, wacky adventure ahoy! There's a lot of unknowns here, though, and it could so easily be shitty that its AL suffers.

The Emoji Movie

Anticipation Level: 0000 - you knew it had to be somewhere. What is this. No.

Atomic Blonde

Anticipation Level: 8504 - I'm into everything about this. Charlize Theron is suddenly a go-to badass, the team from John Wick (2014) returns to craft some hopefully amazing action pieces, and the style is out of this world. Plus this.

AUGUST

The Dark Tower

Anticipation Level: 7172 - I've never read the books or anything (of course not), but the basic premise of the Dark Tower linking all of Steve King's work is really interesting. The trailer that dropped last week was fantastic and actually pretty buzz worthy. This might be the sleeper of the summer.

Detroit

Anticipation Level: 8014 - It's about time Kathryn Bigelow returned after the one-two punch of The Hurt Locker (2009) and Zero Dark Thirty (2012). The Detroit riots of 1967 are an overlooked part of American History, complex to take apart and timely as hell.

The Hitman's Bodyguard

Anticipation Level: 5478 - This could be good. Ryan and Sam are both hot right now and their pairing in this premise is ironic and fascinating. It'll have to deliver on its goods, but the release date is cherry and it ought to find its niche.

So, to conclude, let's rank these bastards:

Baby Driver Anticipation Level: 9007
Transformers: The Last Knight Anticipation Level: 9006
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Anticipation Level: 8653
Atomic Blonde Anticipation Level: 8504
Baywatch Anticipation Level: 8043
Detroit Anticipation Level: 8014
Rough Night Anticipation Level: 7844
The Dark Tower Anticipation Level: 7172
Wonder Woman Anticipation Level: 6792
Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets Anticipation Level: 6045
The Hitman's Bodyguard Anticipation Level: 5478
Snatched Anticipation Level: 5436
War for the Planet of the Apes Anticipation Level: 5000
Alien Covenant Anticipation Level: 4550
Spider-Man: Homecoming Anticipation Level: 4232
Dunkirk Anticipation Level: 4126
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Anticipation Level: 3374
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Anticipation Level: 3079
The House Anticipation Level: 2981
Despicable Me 3 Anticipation Level: 1899
The Mummy Anticipation Level: 1334
Cars 3 Anticipation Level: 0457
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul Anticipation Level: 0349
The Emoji Movie Anticipation Level: 0000


What do you think? What's your anticipation level for Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul?

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