28 October 2011

Six Inappropriate Halloween Costumes Inspired by Movies

Well kiddies it's All Hallow's Eve again and this year you may decide to go out Trick 'r' Treatin' dressed as your favourite movie hero. You might go as Captain America this year or as Johnny Depp (Like from Pirates of the Caribbean and not The Rum Diary) or any other film icon. I'm betting we'll see every little girl want to be Nina from Black Swan (2010) this year!

Maybe that's not the best idea. In fact, we here at Norwegian Morning Wood have come up with SIX terrible Halloween Costume ideas. Some are just iconic Film Douches, others really have no time and place for implementation ever. Grab your bowl of candy corn and let's dive in:

#6: White Guy as Sgt. Lincoln Ossirus from Tropic Thunder (2008)

Robert Downey Jr.'s Academy Award-nominated role from Ben Stiller's epic Tropic Thunder seems like an enormously clever idea for any white guys. Slap on some black face, talk like a stereotypical brother from the 70s and you're halfway there. Obviously this is such an immensely offensive idea to wear out on a night where you'll be much more likely to be mistaken as a black army soldier. Or rather as people will actually see you, a racist white army soldier. Funny performance but leave this one at home please.

#5: Father / Son tagteam as Man and Boy from The Road (2009)

What better way for a Father to bond with his son than by reenacting everyone's favourite post-apocalyptic journey film, The Road. This should be easy to do - for the month of October neither one of you eat, bathe or shave. Go find some jackets at the Dump and there's even built-in Candy Storage for the night - a big ol' shopping cart! Not only was this one of the most depressing (although very good) movies of the past decade you and your son / father will not be welcome at very many houses. Vagrants wandering around Halloween grumbling about not eating enough cockroaches for the day and asking for candy sounds awful. Send this one back to Netflix.

#4: Eager Child as Bomb Diffuser from The Hurt Locker (2009)

This one actually isn't that bad. It will be nice and warm for Halloween night, it's from a prestigious, Academy Award-winning Picture and really shouldn't offend anyone. The only major issue is that as you walk around you won't be able to see a thing or run away from candy-stealing bullies, always a Halloween Danger. Also every single house you come to will complement you on your Ninja Turtle costume then chastise you for not wearing a read bandana (because if you are a team of One Turtle you've got to be Raphael, everyone knows that). To spare yourself an annoying evening of correcting people, leave this one alone.

#3: Five Guys as the Ghostbusters...and Walter Peck from Ghostbusters (1984)

This is far too cruel. You've got a group of five guys who decide that they want to do Ghostbusters this year. It's an awesome idea, it's pretty cliché but you're going to get a ton of use out of that costume down the line, it's a great investment. The only big issue is the fact that you've got five. And that Fifth Fucking Ginger won't shave his beard. So he gets to be Walter Peck who, as played by William Atherton, is one of the least likeable douches in all of cinematic history (his only challenger really is Dick Thornberg from Die Hard [1988]...played by...William Atherton). It's tempting because it's a pretty easy costume. Suit and beard - hooray! You had better put in the extra effort to go as Slimer or Tully instead. Or find some chick to be Annie Potts.

#2: Anyone as Man from Bambi (1942)

Going as the Hunter from Bambi may be a worse costume than parading around as Hitler on October 31. Is there a greater evil in the world? It's not like the outfit could really declare it, you'd just look like a hunter. UNLESS you carry around a stuffed Bambi Animal and make sure to take a couple shots at it at every party you attend! When's the last time you saw that scene above? How could they put that in a kid's movie?! That's terrible! You killed Bambi's mom?! Get out of here! How does Bambi end? Doesn't he become a badass buck by the end of it all? I don't know.

#1: Older Man as Kevin Bacon from The Woodsman (2004)

The Woodsman is a movie about a child molester named Walter, played by Kevin Bacon, adjusting to life back in the real world after prison. I know what you're thinking. Dark, cold night. Hundreds of joyful little kids running around the street unsupervised. Begging for candy. Talking to strangers. Here comes Walter. He'll have some candy for sure. And luckily since this movie is so obscure no one will know you're the woodsman. Alright now I've creeped myself out. Please stay away from this one. These are all terrible ideas. Just be Batman or somebody. At least not this version of Kevin Bacon. Yeah that's way worse.

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