22 June 2015

Summer Jam Week 7: Madonna Is Terrible

If you'll believe it, we're almost rounding out June, which is a staggering crazy thought. The Sun has been out for far too long as the bacchanalian solstice orgies are commencing with full unrestrained glee. School is about to be out for little brats across the country and it's a glorious time for everyone. So what songs ought to be on your graduation or wedding soundtracks? What jams will you forever link to this hot diggity June of 2015? Keep reading and crank them speakers to find out:

Hot Jam of the Week: "Feel Right" by Mark Ronson ft. Mystikal



Where has Mystikal been in like, the past fifteen years? I love how Mark Ronson seems to keep trying to bring funk back and he's doing a damn good job of it. This video is also incredible. Is that one of the Young Versions of Cee Lo from "Fuck You?" His head is huge. And yet, he somehow does an uncanny Mystikal impression. I actually really like this song and video, although I can't see it really gaining significant traction or anything.

Dud of the Week: "Bitch I'm  Madonna" by Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj

This is probably the video that got the most  hype this week, but it's objectively so damn terrible. It just reeks of complete desperation. Madonna, you're the reason why any of these young pop superstars are here today sounding like they do. Don't try to imitate the artists who have been imitating you for twenty years. The crazy party dancing all seems kind of out of place for Madonna at her age, and that's not to say she shouldn't be making music at her age or anything. Just that it's really weird to hear her trying to reclaim her status as Pop Queen with such a club-minded song. She does still look pretty good, actually. I also love how terrible the "cameos" are, when clearly no one but Rita Ora and Chris Rock (who seems to be the only one who got the memo to have fun with this) bothering to show up in person, including Nicki Minaj, who actually puts in a couple rap verses. It all just seems like she's trying to ape Taylor Swift's cameo-heavy "Bad Blood" video but she puts out a much more terrible version, which is awful. How can Taylor Swift know more people willing to actually show up on set for a video than Madonna? Sorry to shit all over this, but I was just crazy disappointed by this this week.

R&B Jam of the Week: "Me U & Hennessy" by DeJ Loaf

In keeping with my solemn vow to break another cool R&B Jam each week I bring you DeJ Loaf today, who is like Meatloaf, but slightly more chill. This is actually a fantastic love-making song that oozes sonic sex. I'd call it a perfect late night bad decision Summer Jam, but like most of our R&B Jams this summer I don't think it'll reach a truly mainstream audience.

Desert Tracks: "Hey Mama" by David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, and AfroJack

No, you don't need to list everyone who helped produce a song in the song's featured credits. I had David Guetta so much. It's telling that the beat is the weakest thing about this song, which is awesome more on the backs of Nicki's tight vocals and Rexha's bellows. Do you think that Nicki Minaj turns down any song offer ever? Evidently not, because this is the second jam this week that features her appearing but not actually present with anyone else in her video. This has had some impressive weeks lately and it could stay around for a while.

Aha: "This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like a Motherfucker" by Maroon 5

This thing finally makes an appearance on our list. I'm trying to figure out what the clean version says. "Aha?" "Like a Mother-Aha"? I don't know. I love how Maroon 5 is basically on a streak where every song they drop is significantly worse than the one before. They're still virtually one of the most popular bands on the planet right now, enough so that people apparently didn't quite mind them ruining their weddings a few months back. This jam could crawl for a while, and while Maroon 5 is typically a presence on any Summer Jam list, could this be an explicit Summer-based attempt at gaining the top honors? I don't think they'll pull it off, but stay tuned.

Fab Action: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

The strength of this song and video is that it's still growing. I haven't gotten totes sick of it yet, and actually I keep getting into it more the more I listen to it. I started really cluing into Kendrick's lyrics, and while they're probably the worst he's ever written (if he wrote it), but his flow makes it pretty ear-pleasing. I do like his quick reference to "Backseat Freestyle," which was really how his whole connection with Tay Sway started, with her posting pics of her jamming out to it in her car. I do like how this jam keeps rising until it pops and how the video mostly features Taylor maintaining her "Shake It Off" adorkableness with a mix of badassery, always with little touches of fab, though. It's wonderful.

Neil Armstrong: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon

Get at me, 80s. I thought this song was getting a little weaker lately, but here we are again with it clocking in pretty solidly. We're a third into the Summer Jam Season now, and this has virtually dominated so far. I think it's got a few more weeks left and it's so stupid fun that it's tough to count it out for long.

Ode to Staying at Home: "Honey I'm Good" by Andy Grammer

For the second week in a row I have the week's prize to "Honey I'm Good" while feeling kind of wretched about it. There wasn't really a more ubiquitous song in my life than this, although I did start to turn the channel when it came on the radio this week. That's probably an indication that its annoying levels have reached peak saturation and it's time in the sun is over. I'm still waiting for that really definitive break-out Jam, which had better drop any day now.

Next Week...

Selena Gomez and ASAP Rocky dropped a pretty sick track today which I'm going to keep my ears on this week. I'm also curious if Maroon 5 can keep rising, if Andy Grammer can stay relevant, and what the hell we're going to do with Madonna. We're really in the thick of it now, folks. Stay tuned to keep up to date with all the hottest jams!

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