2022 Oscar Results! And Nothing Crazy Happened!

I'm lying, something really crazy did happen. Power of the Dog (2021) only had one win, for best director! This is surely controversial. Sam Elliot has a lot of sway in Hollywood, I guess. Such a shame that otherwise the ceremony was just trite and boring.

Yeah, okay, we know what happened. Everyone has a take and it's all pretty obvious. To me, I'm glad he got his Oscar because Will's not going to work again. Or he will because Hollywood is crazy, and seems to be mostly on his side for some reason. But this is the kind of thing you remember for a long time, which is bonkers because Will Smith has sooo many things that are worth remembering. So, let's talk much more about this throughout this whole article, but let's get into our all-time stats:

2021: 12/23

2020: 13/24 

2019: 13/24 

2018: 16/24 

2017: 13/24 

2016: 14/24 

2015: 13/24 

2014: 20/24 

2013: 14/24 

2012: 16/24 

2011: 14/24 

2010: 12/24

I'm really so bad at this. Anyway, let's do it.

Best Picture:

I'm realizing I forgot to make a prediction for this. It was DOG in my head. CODA ended up winning. CODA was surging a bit towards the end, but honestly I didn't think it would upset Power of the Dog, which I guess everyone actually just Sam Ellioted, so whatever.

0/1

Best Director:

Prediction: Campion

I got this one!

1/2

Actor:

I said Garfield, Smith was the front-runner but I just didn't trust it. I fumbled perhaps the most obvious category, but if Garfield had one I would have looked like a genius. Now I look like...a dumbass. I just feel like Tom Cruise is going to make a movie where he stars as John McEnroe's dad to get his Oscar, finally. And Will's presence throughout the ceremony and speech were totally normal.

1/3

Actress:

Kirsten Stewart did not win this. I'm happy for Chastain, I didn't pay much attention to her, but looking back, this does feel like an acknowledgment of an impressive body of work, mostly Dark Phoenix (2019). I don't know. The Academy always awards folks like this unless it doesn't.

1/4

 Supporting Actor:

At the time Smit-McPhee, of Dark Phoenix fame seemed like the unstoppable lock. In the past few weeks this turned into all-Kotsur. Clearly, CODA struck the chord I thought Dog would. Fuck this, I'm just making my predictions the week of next year.

1/5

Supporting Actress:

No real question, DeBose got this, well deserved and very exciting.

2/6

Adapted Screenplay:

Just read my words. "This could go to CODA but I think Campion goes all in." Half of that was true. The Academy just clearly ended up loving this movie. Also Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

2/7

Original Screenplay:

Even leading up to this I thought this would go to Pizza. What's a boy got to do? I have no real interest in Belfast (2021) if Jamie Dornan doesn't sing about how his heart is torn between an Albino and midwesterner played by the same actress while running through the sand and climbing a palm tree like a cat who's decided to climb up a palm tree.

2/8

Animated Film:

I still haven't seen Encanto (2021) but I want to! Does that count? I actually read the wind on this one.

3/9

Animated Short Film:

Always a crap shoot, but I did say Wiper would be in the top three. I mean, whatever. As long as it kept Will Smith's wife's name out of its fucking mouth.

3/10

Costume:

I didn't really buy that this should be Cruella (2021) but all the pundits were unanimous, and imagine that, I listen to people and get a category right.

4/11

Short Film:

Suck it. Got this one. "Long Goodbye"

5/12

Score:

DUNE (2021). Okay, here come all the technical awards that DUNE won, which will generally save me, except for one which I doubted. Well-earned, it was a great score.

6/13

Sound:

I still want two categories. But what I want more is more obvious DUNE wins to salvage my terrible night. Almost as terrible as Chris Rock's left cheek.

7/14

Cinematography:

I deviated from the DUNE and got punished. I was clearly in on Doggy and got bit for it. That bite like the Philadelphia cream cheese running off Chris Rock's face. Oh boy.

7/15

Documentary:

Listen, I didn't actually watch the ceremony. What the hell was ?uestlove's acceptance speech like. Just stunned audience at this point? It's just mind-blowing. What does Ricky Gervais thnk?

8/16

Doc Short Subject:

This went to "Queen of Basketball" which fits in with Kobe Bryant's win a while back instead of Benazir, which sounds probably sad. I mean, alopecia isn't even fatal.

8/17

Editing:

Thanks, DUNE.

9/18

French Film:

This was a pretty clear lock as well. It kind of goes without saying, although Worst Person in the World (2021) could have swept in. I need to watch Drive My Car (2021) on HBOMax and you should, too!

10/19

Makeup and Hairstyling:

WHATEVER. I know. I know. I just couldn't fall in line and go with Tammy Faye. This was just some black hole for me, I knew nothing about it. I blame Hillbilly Elegy (2020) which got me off the "make-up makes the movie a lock" vote. You know who doesn't need hairstyling?

10/20

Original Song:

Stan Sitwell. I don't want to talk about losing this category, but I'm glad Billie Eilish is an Oscar Winner.

10/21

Production Design:

Thanks, DUNE

11/22

Visual Effects:

You complete me, DUNE

12/23

Well, I feel like a real Peacock. Same score as last year. Meh, looking back, I probably should have gotten four more right, the obvious locks for Actor, Supporting Actor, Makeup, and Song. I misread the lack of power for Power of the Dog and it bit me, losing a lot to CODA.

Also, we all know that Will Smith is insane, right? Like, just watch After Earth (2013). Or better yet, Winter's Tale (2014). That's right. We remember you in Winter's Tale. First of all, Chris Rock's joke was certainly tasteless. They're allowed to both be wrong. But like, no one would remember that joke tomorrow. Ya'll remembering this on stage assault during one of the most watched live programs we have left. This just feels like the culmination of cancel culture - we need to find the zone between genuinely caring about each other and creating jokes that don't personally offend, but also being able to laugh at ourselves and not freak out over things that we could probably just move on from and aren't a big deal in the long run.

I don't know. I at least like that song by The Anxiety.

Because Internet: Trailer Wars

Movies are interesting among the producers of goods in that we don't really care who's making them. To some extent this is true of everybody, I mean, no one really gives a shit whether or not a cookie comes from Nabisco or Kellogg, in fact it'd be extremely difficult to even name each of their products offhand. But the irony is that through all this complete irreverence on the part of the consumer, big companies are locked in deathly dire competition with each other and will kill to get to the top.

This is why I've had my interest peaked by three trailers and one bit of casting news as of late. It's as if every major studio is suddenly throwing its hat into the ring and screaming to be noticed. A month or so ago I went on a long rant about what I thought of the Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) trailer, and I think that went pretty well and I stand by that. I still think that's a decent trailer which does an excellent job of re-introducing these characters while mystifying just enough of the plot while maintaining intrigue to keep our attention going. That's really hard to do with a trailer. For a reminder:



About 60.6 million views on its official channel, as of 03 DEC 2014.

A week ago another trailer debuted, which did almost as well, but had arguably a bit more of a wow factor and buzz going into Thanksgiving Weekend. That would be Universal's Jurassic World (2015). There's that bit of dread, a slight twist (an actually successful, up and running Park?), that "HOLY SHIT!" moment (Mosasaurus getting a snack), and that mysterious, dark intrigue (the brand-new super-badass hybrid Dinosaur). It even has a hauntingly mellow score, this time in the form of a super-laid back version of Johnny Williams' opus that contrasts with the havoc on screen. Jurassic Park is always this juxtaposition of man's need for order and nature's proclivity for chaos, usually to the detriment of man (don't worry - woman inherits the earth). A lot of those themes are still echoing in the cheesy B-movie sci-fi vibe the trailer gives off with the Frankensaur here, but the point is that this had big points that it got across well and made everyone on the Internet lose their minds. Here it is again:



That would be 40.4 million views as of right now. Not quite beating Age of Ultron, but that one had nearly an additional month of lead-time. For as big as Ultron felt, it never felt as monumental as hearing those riffs from Jurassic Park one more time, which is crazy because the franchise has totally had diminishing returns over the past few years. Jurassic World works because it feels like more of a new story instead of a re-hash. It's not like someone is lost on the Island again. Or there are lost little kids to find. Crap. It still hit nostalgia just right and seemed awesome.

Until Friday when Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens dropped and everyone lost their damn minds. Not just nerds - everyone, EVERYONE is talking about this thing. It's crazy to think of what the actual power of this franchise is when it's not being bogged down by really really shitty movies and word of mouth. I mean, there are entire separate films devoted to answering that question. And I was curious, too, about how all this stacks up. So I looked at some Google search trends. Age of Ultron peaked admirably where it should, and Jurassic World is up there, but actually not as much as I may have predicted - but look at fucking Star Wars. On any random day there's about as much search activity to nearly equal the peak levels of these giants, but when the trailer dropped? It doubles the Avengers' peak and nearly triples Jurassic World. You may do the searches yourself, or check out this dandy bugger:

There has been a mind-boggling amount of trailer analysis. Everyone from master bladesmiths to Stephen Colbert are weighing in on the Sith Lightsaber design. People are offering detailed specs as to how that little rolly-ball droid may have originated and how it works. And of course, everyone on Earth and Hell are speculating about the three leads here (which mysteriously are not Han, Luke, and Lando), played by John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, and Oscar Isaacs. THIS.

Why is all this going on? Well, first and foremost, it doesn't suck. It's new and different at the same time, which is in line with all these other trailers, but Star Wars is different. Star Wars means so much to so many people - and by that, I mean that Star Wars is EVERYTHING to so many people that any glimmer of a Star Wars that doesn't suck is a huge monumental event. There's just that right level of nerd teasing (check out the S-Foils) and wha-moments (Is Boyega a stormtrooper or pulling a Luke and Han on the Death Star?) that it's just nirvana for all sorts of fans. So here is that one, again:



And I don't even know if this one is officially posted by a studio here, this is about the biggest one, which comes from just MOVIECLIPS Trailers, which is sitting at 40.9 million views at this current moment.

So it seems. Ultimately you'd have to add some of the other top hosts together and then we get to to those Avengers numbers, which neither of these other films really have. So, to get back to what I was originally saying, about Studios knocking each other around, first of all, it's insane and depressing to think that both Avengers and Star Wars are popping out of Disney's asshole these days, which is also why they aren't cannibalizing each other, with Star Wars dropping a solid seven months after its Robot-driven cousin. Universal, though, sure as hell wants a slice of that pie. And look at little Warner Brothers trying to make some waves with its ridiculous Suicide Squad Casting announcement. So let's talk about that for a bit.

This casting is absolutely insane, mostly because it's really good. DC is effectively lining up all these prestige actors for its projects, mostly because they'd otherwise be pretty bad. Suicide Squad is a really interesting title to come off so early in the DC Shared Universe Movie World because it's so damn out there as a concept - hardly mainstream friendly or even that well known. Will Smith as Deadshot? Out of every superhero that Will Smith could have played, he's going to end up being Deadshot? More importantly, though, this film straight up doesn't get made if Jared Leto isn't the Joker.

That's a huge bridge! That's your news! You can't just sign up anyone to play the role that single-handedly saved DC and changed superhero movies forever. There's always the Batman Begins (2005) argument, but The Dark Knight (2008) really was the one to put every single person involved on the map, and that was 80% Ledger's Oscar-winning Joker. How the hell do you follow that up and keep the cash flowing? Cast the dude who last won an Academy Award in the same category, who can kind of pull off the same thing. I don't really understand why no one remembers that the rest of Leto's roles are pretty shitty and he has more politics to thank for winning for Dallas Buyers Club than any talent, but whatever. It's a casting that looks really good.

The same goes for the rest of this. Margot Robbie is a natural, trendy selection after The Wolf of Wall Street; Jai Courtney was undoubtedly available; Tom Hardy is still made fun of for Bane, despite towering over Ledger's Joker, in my opinion; the other chick is pretty hot; but then there's Will. What the hell is Will Smith doing anything near this thing? Well, the honest truth of it is that the only films he's headlined since 2008 is a desperate sequel and a terrible ego project that everyone hated. I still think that when people hear "Will Smith" they think it's a big deal, although how did I miss that cat in Winter's Tale (2014)? He needs this bullshit, even though it's totally beneath him.

Now I'm totally off track. The fight for buzz completely interests me - there's only so much room on the Internet, after all. I actually mean that - how quick did we forget Jurassic World after The Force Awakens dropped? There's a delicate balance of timing there that's infinitely compelling - after all, all the nerds are going to see all this shit anyway, but what about those extra folks that really give a film its big bucks? The normies, as we might call them. You've got to stir up so much of the pot that all these nerd juices spill over into mainstream. And the prize? A few billion dollars ain't bad.

But Suicide Squad (2016) will suck with a really mismatched tone and do terribly. Now if I could only gear up you people for Space Station 76 2014....

The Road to a Blockbuster: Pot Smugglers, Ocean Monsters, Planes, and Matt Damon's Robot Arms

Here is a special Wednesday Edition of the Road to a Blockbuster. There are no less than four very disparate films dropping this week, and two today. They're all in crazily different genres and none are very likely to succeed financially. This column is not only focused on the films' commercial success, though, but also any potential for critical praise or more importantly, cultural cachet. Let's start with the Wednesday films:

At least it has that chick with the cute eyes from that Imagine Dragons video

First up is Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013), which is a sequel to Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010) that I did not realize was being made. Based on a popular series of young adult novels, the first film was a reasonable hit for a February release, although I'm not sure it deserved a Summer Sequel. Still, this is August, where plenty of crazy random movies are typically dropped and sometimes succeed (District 9 [2009]) and sometimes plummet (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World [2010]). So what kind of potential does Sea of Monsters have?

Although it's an established property that likely has a good number of fans who are eagerly anticipating the release, but the marketing campaign has barely registered with anyone outside its demographic. While the first one was competent enough of a tween-pleasing modern mythological romp, no one else really gave a shit about it. There's also a shitload of these books. Like eight of them, apparently. These tend to be to Twilight what the The Chronicles of Narnia to The Lord of the Rings - a much less successful adaptation that will fizzle out far before its time with very little cultural significance. Or perhaps we can see it as the children's version of Clash of the Titans (2010). Either way, this franchise is garbage.

Next we have We're the Millers (2013), a nice raunchy late summer R-Rated comedy. This is often a good launching point for these kinds of flicks, from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004) all the way through The Campaign (2012). We're the Millers features an exceptional cast, from supporting Ed Helms, Nick Offerman, and Katherine Hahn to the core of Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston in particular seems to be finding a better niche playing against type than she ever did in forgettable roles that could have been played by anyone, like Bruce Almighty (2003) up through The Bountry Hunter (2010). Between this and Horrible Bosses (2011), though, she's really been playing the R-rated older sexcat pretty damn well.

Not bad for 44 years old...

If anything, We're the Millers ought to be remembered as that movie with the Aniston striptease scene, not unlike how a film like Your Highness (2011) is known for showcasing Natalie Portman's butt. It's a great achievement. As for Sudeikis, is there any other SNL alumn who is more desperate for leading man stardom? He's had a string of low to high profile flicks poised to be his breakout flick, his Happy Gilmore (1994), or his Anchorman if you will, but none have really caught on to become classics. Sudeikis just isn't terribly funny. He's more bland and snide than really likeable and relatable, even if A Good Old Fashioned Orgy remains underseen and underrated.

I'm not sure We're the Millers will break out and become the next huge comedy movie or even become a beloved cult classic, but it's got a decent premise, a measurable spin on the family vacation movie, and the kind of sardonic attitude it needs to become decent Netflix material. Speaking of films that are better at home viewing, let's move on to Disney's Planes (2013).

Planes is a spin-off of Pixar's Cars (2006), that was not created by Pixar, but rather Disney, originally for a direct-to-DVD release that suddenly got a nice theatrical release in one of the more crowded summers for Animation in recent memory. Hell, it's even been a croweded July for kids at the cinema. From EPIC (2013) to Monsters University (2013), Despciable Me 2 (2013), Turbo (2013), and The Smurfs 2 (2013), it's been a little overwhelming. And Cars was soulless enough without the blatant cashgrab Cars 2 (2011), much less the needless spinoff, Planes. I mean, the Cars franchise basically did the unthinkable, lowering Pixar's brand and reputation as a vaunted movie studio that effortlessly churned out hit after hit, critically and commercially. Planes is just further skewering their goodwill, although to be fair, all that is actually doing is bringing them down to everyone else's level.

There's no way Planes succeeds this weekend. Parents are already sick of dragging their stupid brat kids to every dumb movie this summer, and assuredly won't dish out more dough for a version of Cars in the air. There is also very little chance it catches on culturally in any way. If anything it will merely add to the hated legacy of Cars than build anything on its own. That's why Cars is so criticised. It's symbolic of Pixar finally failing and making subpar movie with the intention only to sell toys. Planes is a reflection of that and as a result, is ultimately hollow.

Is Matt Damon turning into Bruce Willis?

Finally, we've got the big hitter this weekend - Elysium. All this took was a cool name and a proven director - Neill Blomkamp and I was in. Of course, Blomkamp really only has District 9 to his name, which more built off what he had previously created. Who knows if he can actually make a decent big original sci fi film, but at this point, originality should be praised. This summer actually had a handful of original sci fi flicks, from Oblivion (2013) to After Earth (2013) to Pacific Rim (2013). It may be argued that Rim serves more as an homage, Oblivion as a pastiche, and  After Earth as a heaping pile of shit, but at the least, none were sequels. None of these films have exactly lit up the box office, either, which doesn't portend well for a future that is full of sequels and remakes ad nauseum.

There is hope with Elysium, though, right? There's no telling how the film will actually be or whether or not we'll by Matt Damon in his bald glory, but out of every film dropping this summer, this is about the only one that could really make the kind of cultural impact we've been looking for. This is the movie that will inspire the hipsters of 2035 - the ones who will wear ironic Matt Damon T-shirts and reminisce how they don't make movies like Elysium anymore. Those may be some steep expectations, but it's what we need in these dark times. Help us, Matt Damon, you're our only hope.

Which of these four insane movies will be you watching on Netflix 6 months from now?

The Road to a Blockbuster: Now You See Will Smith

The sun rises on another Summer Friday, so naturally, we have some movies clamouring to be the next big cultural iconic moment. Here at NMW we take the opportunity to dig into these potential blockbusters, to examine not only their potential for critical and commercial success, but what kind of impact they may have on our culture. So far this summer has lacked any standout features, not only because each week has given us a huge movie - from Iron Man 3 (2013) to Furious 6 (2013), so it's been sort of hard to concentrate on any one property for very long. There's also not a great amount of heterogeneity so far. Luckily, though, this weekend offers us two original features.

And James Dave Franco!

That's a good thing, right?

Let's start with the Magician Action Heist Caper (you read that right), Now You See Me (2013). This movie seems to have a crazy cast that includes Isla "Rebel" Fisher, Morgan "God" Freeman, Melanie "Shoshanna" Laurent, Mark "Hulked Out" Ruffalo, and even a mini-Zombieland (2009) reunion with Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson. Still, remember that first bit you read. The Magician Action Heist Caper. This comes at a time when the magicians most recently on anyone's mind are Gob Bluth and Tony Wonder (Isla Fisher's presence doesn't do us any favors to help forget that fact). Arrested Development made Gob a modern magician for a reason - it's inherently very campy and goofy (although they demand to be taken seriously). In the same way, it's a little hard to take this pretty doofy looknig movie seriously.

It actually doesn't really help that director Louis Leterrier seems to be readily seeking to defend it, along with other turds he's made. Yes, there's an excuse for everything, Lou. This ultimately feels like it should be a March or April release instead of a big Summer flick. It hasn't gotten a ton of support, although the cast is well-liked and it seems flashy with just enough of a bit of mystery that it may do pretty decently. Are we going to drop everything to catch it on F/X in 2016? No. It ought to make decent background fodder, but there's no reason to invest anything in this movie. And that is because magicians are stupid.

Against this stiff competition we have the real deal - After Earth (2013). Is it actually an indoctrination into scientology? Was filming it so rough that Jaden Smith wanted to be emancipated from his pop as a result? Does Willow whip her hair all over the end credits? Will Smith is one of the few remaining movie stars that is still pretty reliable, although it's not all that clear how much he's even in this damn movie. The basic synopsis is that him and his son crash land on Earth in the future after it was abandoned and he's injured while his son goes and fights Diego from Ice Age (2002). It also seems like Will is sucked out of the ship during that trailer - so...is Will even really in this thing? I feel another backlash of expectations when this becomes the Jaden Show real fast.

I wouldn't mind if Hancock was in this

Anyway, this could serve as a vehicle to propel Jaden into his own level of superstardom. And maybe he made enough fans off of The Karate Kid (2010) to hold down an audience. Still, this is a Shyamalan movie...sure it's an original Will Smith idea, but this is a director who has been burning down his goodwill and auteur status for over a decade. Apparently he's just a journeyman now, about as good as a Brett Ratner or Rob Cohen. That makes be a little sad. I mean, the cat had talent. Who knows what happened to him, but now he's apparently churning out tailor-made shit like After Earth instead of his own work. Maybe no one is letting him write his own stuff anymore. That's probably a good idea.

Still, it's a bit intriguing that the two biggest stars left on the planet have both made original movies within a few months of each other that features themselves as the only humans left on the planet. Kind of. Tom Cruise's Oblivion (2013) was a fairly surprisingly competent movie, if not fairly derivative of you know, everything from Independence Day (1996) to Spaceballs (1987). It also at least had its visuals to fall back on, along with a pretty cool twisty story, and a hell of a dedication on the part of Tom. After Earth has none of these. Can it really break out this summer? At this point it seems like Summer 2013 is really falling between Furious 6 and Man of Steel (2013), and it's really tempting to take a break this weekend (or catch Furious 6 after sorrowfully seeing The Hangover: Part III [2013] last weekend...). I don't see any film from this weekend really going anywhere. And whenever I'm about to change my mind I see those awful CGI Baboons. I mean, Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) did more with less, M., you can't throw up that shit anymore.

Will you see some magic this weekend? Or at least a big deserted earth filled with the Smith family? Or do you prefer to stay in the Matrix?