17 June 2009

Bryan Loves Televison Part Cinco: Drama Day Care


A pun on an Eddie Murphy movie! Yay!

My taggings have hopefully become both more annoying and random.

So we move at last into the realm of the gritty serious American television drama. I'll be honest here, I don't watch drama. At all. I thought about doing some heavy research to back up this article, but then decided a lazier route would be much funnier for the both of us. So essentially what I plan on doing on this quagmire is do my usual schpeal about the 2 or 3 current dramas I actually watch and then just write whatever comes to mind with about the entire rest of the current schedule.

But first, a history, drama's real easy. And in case you can't figure it out, all this shit I either made up or stole from someone else. Here we go:


Also only the 5 Kings of Prussia were
allowed to watch this show.


1950s: Everybody watched GUNSMOKE, an adapted western radio show. I know this mostly because when my mother was growing up it was the SINGLE show my strict grandfather would ever allow anyone in his household to watch. Oh what a time to be alive. It also held the greatest rating of any TV show ever, mostly because when it peaked in the mid-50s there were only 7 television sets that were split up between the 7 Great Kings of America. It also was on the air for about 20 years, a record which the Simpsons matched this year. What a time to be alive.

1960s: Everybody watched THE FUGITIVE, It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man! Besides the Harrison Ford movie, that's all I know about this show. Most 60s and 70s dramas are today only known as great shows made into crappy 90s and 2000s movies. Harrison Ford's "Fugitive" (1993) was an excellent movie, however something like Eddie Murphy's "I Spy" (2002) was not, although I do enjoy that Leafy-Bug scene immensely.


You like comics, don't you, dingus?


1970s: Everybody watched COLUMBO, as a kid I thought this starred some kind of gangster Christopher Columbus or something. When I found out what it really was, I was disappointed. Still, multiple-Emmy award winning show. I've never seen it, or even know any references to it beyond "Dial N for Nerder," a Season 19 Simpsons episode.

1980s: Everybody watched DALLAS, which only equates to two big pop culture items, who shot J.R. and the Patrick Duffy in the shower dream thing. When I was younger I didn't really understand the significance of the dad from Step By Step being in the shower, but it's a funny little writing trick that basically says "Haha! Fuck you!" to the majority of the TV-watching American public. But then again, in the 80s, what part of pop culture wasn't a big Fuck You to the American public? Men at Work? Please.

1990s: Everybody watched ER, only for George Clooney. In the following decade they continued to watch, mostly for John Stamos. I continued to watch mostly for John Stamos. I only watched it when John Stamos was on.

2000s: Everybody watched CSI, apparently, loving the glamour of forensic investigations along with jazzin music and smash cuts, the Cosmopolitan Era TV watchers for some reason love this crappy show which from what I can tell, that bearded guy solves the same case every week. It was semen! Semen on the titties! Oh what a world!

So there's your history. Forgoing CSI, Here we move on to my very in-depth, one-sentence analysis of the current Dramatic TV schedule, starting with everyone's favourite, and also most alphabetical, ABC.

ABC
Priceline Negotiator!

Sunday, 9 pm: Desperate Housewives - chicks that were kind of MILFs four years ago have problems for some reason!
Sunday, 10 pm: Brothers & Sisters - Ally McBeal, Forrest Gump's Mom, and Rob Lowe have problems!

Monday, 10 pm: Boston Legal - Shatner!

Tuesday, 10 pm: Eli Stone - I have no idea what this is.

Wednesday, 8 pm: Pushing Daisies - Intriguing premise but failed delivery!
Wednesday, 9 pm: Private Practice - Liked it better when it was called Law & Order, also I think this is the show that has that chick from those car commercials you know, the "when you turn your car on does it return the favour" deal, pretty hot.
Wednesday, 10 pm: Dirty Sexy Money - feels like it should be on F/X.

Thursday, 8 pm: Ugly Betty - I don't know, I don't want to know.
Thursday, 9 pm: Grey's Anatomy - The only reason I don't watch this show is the simple fact that I have testicles.

Mid-Season Replacements!

Monday, 10 pm: Castle - I like Nathan Fillion and the girl looks hot, I'd give it a try if the commercials didn't make it look like the most irritating show ever (I watched it, it is).

Tuesday, 10 pm: Cupid - See Grey's Anatomy.

Wednesday, 10 pm: The Unusuals - did this even premiere yet?

CBS
ooooo TWO SHOTS!!!

Sunday, 9 pm: Cold Case - What is this, the show about the old-ass crimes that they've just now got off their ass now to solve? Why?
Sunday, 10 pm: The Unit - This is that one starring that guy from the All-State commercials right? Great.

Monday, 10 pm: CSI Miami - GREAT drinking game.

Tuesday, 8 pm: NCIS - slightly different anagram of CSI, both in name and delivery.
Tuesday, 9 pm: The Mentalist - what the hell is this show supposed to be about?
Tuesday, 10 pm: Without a Trace - The single thing I know about tihs show is that it stars the dude who played Daphne's cousin on Frasier, which simultaneously shows how much more I know about comedies.

Wednesday, 9 pm: Criminal Minds - There's really a show with this name that's not a descriptor of another show? Huh.
Wednesday, 10 pm: CSI: NY - Trade that bearded guy for Gary Sinise. Cool.

Thursday, 10 pm: The Eleventh Hour - I had never even heard of this show before looking up CBS' broadcast schedule.

Friday, 8 pm: Ghost Whisperer - Big tits.
Friday, 9 pm: Flashpoint - Something to do with snipers that isn't "Enemy at the Gates" or "Shooter."
Friday, 10 pm: Numb3rs - Has to do with some math and that Jew from "The Santa Clause 3."

FOX
I'm gonna FUCK Cuddy.

Monday, 8 pm: Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles - Lena Hedley kicks Linda Hamilton's ass.
Monday, 9 pm: Prison Break - They broke out sooo long ago!
Monday, 9 pm (alt): 24 - I've never been able to sit through a whole day, but it seems like an awesome concept and from what I hear, brilliant execution, but definitely something that you need to devote more than my sporadic attention span to.

Tuesday, 8 pm: House - Watch House use voodoo magic to solve the same damn illness each week!
Tuesday, 9 pm: Fringe - I actually watched the premiere, caught my interest juuust enough to sit through those two hours and nothing more.

Wednesday, 8 pm: Bones - Uhhh the one chick's decently hot, and its got a quirkiness that I can't ever really figure out.
Wednesday, 9 pm: Lie to Me - What is with these kind of gimmicky shows this season?

Friday, 9 pm: Dollhouse - Dusssshkkuuu!!!

NBC
From memory I thought this dude was bald. Sorry Meloni.

Sunday, 8 pm: Kings - This looked like the stupidest show I've ever seen, why would you watch this while the Simpsons are on.

Monday, 8 pm: Chuck - The blonde chick is absolutely gorgeous, and its got an ok sense of humour that I think tries to be funnier than it really is.
Monday, 10 pm: Medium - What is with all these ghost shows?

Tuesday, 10 pm: Law & Order SVU - Is this the one with Ice-T? Also that bald guy is one of the funniest fucks on television when he wants to be.

Wednesday, 8 pm: Knight Rider - Of all the shitty 80s shows to bring back, why this one?
Wednesday, 9 pm: Life - stupid.
Wednesday, 10 pm: Law & Order - dun DUN!

Friday, 9 pm: Friday Night Lights - stars Bruce Baxter from King Kong. Cool.
Friday, 9 pm (alt): Lipstick Jungle - What the fuck?

Mid-Season Replacements!

Thursday, 10 pm: SouthLAnd - 15 years of ER and then they put this on TV?

Tomorrow it looks like I'll have to tackle Cable Drama and my only favourite shows. Guess which ones were left out! Wa-hey! You may notice how extremely critical this list was. Take what you can from my personal interpretations of all this nonsense and feel free to add your own favs, I know there is some Law & Order fans out there and it seems like a decent show, I just can't get into it.

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