17 June 2009

The Degeneration of American Television as Exemplified by the Cancellation of SWAT CATS


Now, I make it a business of mine to try to catch the stupidest, dumbest movies, books, television, whatever whenever I can. When it comes to the realm of television, this of course means a shitload of cartoon watching.

But cartoons today just lack the flavour of yesteryear. They are so upbeat, so happy and phased out of reality. I felt like something huge was missing, something that made my childhood cartooning complete. It took a facebook group called "I remeber the 90s" or something [sic] to make me realise what was missing.

FUCKIN SWAT CATS! Do you remeber this show? I watched it everyday, see, this was some intense shit, I mean, it starred these two renegade fighter pilots/auto garage mechanics who raped the shit of evil on daily basis. These weren't your average putty-tats, these were badass, missile-firing, jet riding mean-ass mutherfuckers. They played hard, they drank hard, and fucked harder. You remember that woman cat reporter who was hot as shit? Felina Feral? You know Razor tapped that shit after every adventure. The Cats got tail every night of the week and could outdrink anyone they came across. They were the ultimate in fast, mean, radical fuckin shit!

Anyway, I digress. The awesomeness of this show aside, children's cartoons just aren't this intense anymore. The best shows they have to offer now are like, Camp Lazlo, which is a watered down Rocko's Modern Life, and all this flash-animated fake Teen drama garbage, I mean, WHERE ARE THE JETPACK WEARIN BITCHIN KATZ MAN?! Even so called "preteen action shows" like Ben 10 and Teen Titans are really watered down compared to the rough and tumble likes of SwatCats.

Just Look at these motherfuckers:
T-Bone and Razor! Yeah!


Could any contemporary cartoon even try to fight against that? There's no fuckin way. Dude, even fuckin Chuck Norris would poo himself a little if he saw that fuckin missle launcher and jet flyin at him. I mean, look at the fuckin size of that thing! That missile is so huge! They're so badass! Do you see the claws on these fuckers? They can cut a bitch up man.

Plus, look at The Radical Squadron's villains,
The Pastmaster

The fuckin Pastmaster, would you want to tangle with this bitch? Look at that bastard! He's pure fuckin evil! He's like, more evil than the Shredder! Not to mention Dr. Viper, Dark Kat, it gets ridiculous. These villains were composed of such pure hatred for all catkind, it was just so absurd! In no contemporary cartoon do you have villains this damn intense.

Lastly, look at the city in the background of this pic.
Awesome.

It was so dark and evil looking, so fuckin cool! I grew up in this setting, man, watching toons when I was eight years old about this ridiculous shit, with the two raddest fuckin heroes, the most insane villains, against this backdrop of a city devoid of any law control and set in deep economic depression, not to mention a surplus of despair running rampant.

This was a children's show! Looking back, what was Cartoon Network thinking, but I grew up wanting be a fuckin Swat Cat, and that's something my children cannot have! Swat Cats only lasted until 1995, then was cancelled. At the time I of course had no idea why, I was fuckin nine, what the hell did I know about ratings and Nielsen and what went of and stayed on the air and all that whack shit? Like all other kids shows, it went into syndicated repeats for a while, and then it was gone. I'm pretty sure that the exact moment Swat Cats was completely off the airwaves I became a complete pussy. Ironic, because it was a show about Cats.

I've recoverd from my pussy middle school years by watching things like Snakes on a Plane and Brai Kwon Do, but it's been a rough ride.

So I say, we need not bring back the almighty Swat Cats, but truly, television has gone down in quality since it went off the air. I can only pray that one day a new season will come out, or perchance an even greater show will emerge, like Hog Dogs where they ride motorcycles or something, what the hell I don't know.

Anyway, that's my first Facebook note that I've made into the first blog entry. I hope it was stupid enough for you to make it through the whole thing. Just the way I like it.

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