19 September 2012

The Long Halloween Vol. III - Talk Like a Pirate Day

Well folks, it's the end of another long year of The Long Halloween. During this past year we've taken some time each month examining a Holiday and the associated movies, music, or other activities we can partake to celebrate. Not content with the boring old Christmas and Valentine's Day, though, this year we went real obscure, highlighting such National Events such as Moon Day and Puzzle Day. It's been weird. We conclude our series this year with an oldie but goodie - National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

This day emerged mostly out of a desire that everyone has from the time they are little babies, to growl and arrgh like the salty swashbucklers of the seven seas of old. Note that although this day honours Pirates, one of the 12 Fabled Signs of the Geek Zodiac, it only requires its celebrators to speak in a tongue akin to the seadogs, not to dress or act like one.

Fuck it, let's go for the whole shebang. It's time to glue on some beards, or just will one into existence like our friend, Chuck does. After that, rip up a shirt, throw on a bandana, skip the shower and oranges and you've got yourself a pirate. For the ladies, you may follow the exact same routine, or go the more popular route, which is to just slut up into a saucy wench. I don't really know why women do this. Keira Knightly is a damn sexy pirate, who somehow got sexier as she got dirtier, and hardly dresses slutty at all. Needless to say, you can get your pillaging on with a minimal change of attire.

Now to get into the pirate mindset you have one simple task to do. Grog. Drink lots of grog. There's only two steps to make and it's real simple - 1) Have Water. 2) Add Rum. Presto! Drinking that will not only make you irritable, but get you drunk enough to fight your mates and fuck fat chicks in no time. See, the seafarers of old would have these giant barrels of water for long voyages, but they'd go bad sitting around the hulls for weeks on end. The obvious solution was to just alcoholify them. No more bacteria, and hell, a lot more fun on the high seas.

With all of this fun, you may ask yourself, what should I be watching to get me in a mood for all this rape and plunder? Obvi it's one of the Pirates of the Caribbean flicks, but which one? Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) immediately comes to mind as one of the major instigators of the mid-2000s Pirate Trend. It has all the classic elements of a swashbuckling pirate tale (and few imitators). It also heavily involves an ordinary blacksmith learning that he is in fact, a pirate. Oh to wake up and learn that through your veins pumps Pirate Blood. It's like Wanted (2008), but not shitty. This is the feeling every mortal should have on this day - not to become a pirate, but to realize that they've always been a pirate.

What about Dead Man's Chest (2006)? To me this is really when the Pirate Love peaked in this country, as Pirate Parties swept across the land and the grog flowed like the surf at Isla de Muerta. Each Pirates film takes a step further into the lore and mysticism of the seas, and here we're introduced to Davy Jones and an unstoppable army of Undead Fish People. While this is a fun ride and we get to see the beginning of the end as Commodores fall into piracy and the Powers that Be try to control the uncontrollable, it's still a Middle-Journey tale, one that is bookmarked by Pearl and At World's End (2007), so that it doesn't have a great place here.

We could easily say that At World's End is the most pirate-y of all the Pirates films. I mean, it features oodles of pirates defending their way of life at the Home of All Pirates, Shipwreck Cove. It also contains the greatest pirate in all these flicks, Geoffrey Rush's Captain Barbossa in a lengthy heroic role. Finally, it expands its breadth to acknowledge Chinese, Indian, French, hell, any kind of pirate you can think of. Also Keith Richards. The only thing really holding it back is how shitty of a film it was.

So what's the best solution? Hell, why not all three and throw in runs of South Park's "Fatbeard" (S13;E7) for good measure. After all, pirates are not wholly a thing of the past. In two hundred years do you think little kids will dress up and play Somalia? I can't think of a better note to end the year on.

Avast ye, Somalians - anchors away!

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