Halloween Night! 31 Days of This Shit!

Well folks, it's finally upon us - the hour to go ask strangers for candy is almost here, and with that it's time to go through what to watch during the last three days in October. Never mind that we only have five hours left in October - this is all you really need to know. As you gather your family close by the burning pile of tootsie rolls know this - you're never alone. Michael Myers is watching you.

#29: The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) - Movie



I first saw Rocky Horror the way it was meant to be seen - alone in my parent's house late on a Saturday night while I was still in High School. Fuck that shit - Rocky Horror ought to only be seen when dressed up as a weirdo at midnight at some sketchy-ass theater with a few hundred people who know the film well enough to quote every line. It's an insane bit of pulp that's become the definition of a cult classic, and with its ghoulish send-up and frankly, now very progressive depiction of transsexual Transylvania, Rocky Horror is terrifying, hysterical, sexy, and wonderful at every turn. It's still niche enough that it's not truly mainstream - despite what anyone says, there aren't a lot of Rocky's and Frank-N-Furter's running around this season. It's the kind of film that you have to earn a membership with to really be considered a true fan, so hey - there's no time like 2016 to clue into this 41-year old movie. There's not a lot else out there that so combines the horror and goofiness inherent to Halloween, but boy does this number do it.

#30: "Thriller" - Song / Short Film / Album / Revolution



Even more so than the "Monster Mash," no Halloween is complete without "Thriller." Everything about this epic 14-minute long music video is spectacular. Not only did it launch the music video as an artform, but also the career of Michael Jackson. It's lost to history why exactly he decided to center his magnum opus around a Werecat / Zombie epic, but who's to get upset? Digging into this thing reveals a ton of stuff immediately that make no sense. What is he doing, watching an old movie from the 50s that also stars himself and his current girlfriend? Why did they go with werecat? Zombies haven't been around for 40,000 years, Vincent Price! Nothing has! That predates the pyramids by many thousands of years. Still, "the Fuck of 40,000 Years" just has a cherry ring to it, right? Also was Mikey really worried that we'd think he had a belief in the occult? People were crazy in '83. And what's with that ending? Is she really in a zombie house or a normal house? Is this all an elaborate mind game from Michael Jackson? Is he possessed by the spirit of the evil werecat he played in a movie from the 1950s? None of this narrative holds up! And I'm usually good at rationalizing and finding meaning in these things. I suppose it doesn't actually matter at all. It doesn't matter than nothing makes sense - look at him dance! And that beat is dope as hell! This is the mainstream Halloween pop epic jam that we've always wanted and needed - and even though there's really only about 3:30 worth of actual lyrical content, we got a 5:58 jam on the album Thriller, and a 13:42 piece of pop cultural excellence here. That really doesn't exonerate the homosexual pedophile, but this song is so damn good that it actually comes close, which is more insane than any Halloween ghoul.

#31: Fun Size (2012) - Movie

Speaking of Michael Jackson...

That's right. This is how you win the Troll Prize of the Year. Fun Size, baby! This is a spectacularly dumb but fun comedy from a few years back about Victoria Justice losing her kid brother on Halloween night that only gets better with age. I am going to try to keep typing with a straight face. Some might use the words "egregiously obnoxious" or "what the hell?" when describing this film which seems like it was intended for children except for all the sexual and adult situations. No one knows who this movie was made for and that's the point - we've already established that Halloween Mysteries are the most scary thing of all. Most importantly, though, this film united Johnny Knoxville and Jackson Nicoll, who would team-up the next year to make the immortal American Classic, Bad Grandpa (2013). This is definitely a guilty pleasure, in the sense that you feel guilty about really misusing the past 86 minutes of your life. Those are minutes that you could have spent looking at Facebook updates, reading Halloween Lists, or best yet, just sitting quietly. Minutes that you'll never get back.

And that's all she wrote, folks. Another Halloween passed, another horrible list of dumb things to do on Halloween to go with it. There will be many more great holiday moments to savor in the years and decades to come I'm sure, but for now, this should sate your fiendish appetites. Good night and have a GHOULSIHLY GOOD TIME! AHAHAHAHA!!!

Almost There: 31 Days of Horrorween Hallows!

As we close in on the big day here we have come at last to the unofficial Celebration Day for every insane drunken adult out there - even though we're two days out, no body's dressing as a slutty Ken Bone making out with Harley Quinns and Princes out there on Monday. In a few short hours the orgy of candy, fallgaritas, and blacklights will begin. in that honor, let's get through four more Halloween...things.

#25: Trick 'r Treat (2007) - Movie

This little gem seemed to come real quick and make no splash after its studio heavily delayed its release, but in the near-decade since, it's grown a nice little cult following. It contains a standard horror anthology of four inter-related flicks, which as this site says, is more Four Rooms (1995)-ish than standard compilations. It wins points around this time of year more than other horror anthos, though, due to its incessant and complete Halloween-ness. There's literally a little pumpkin-headed dude, who will really fuck up your day if you're not celebrating Halloween correctly. There are better horror movies out there, hell, there's better ones on this list, but this could be the most Halloween-one, and that's including one eponymous number coming up.

#26: The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror - TV Show

Each year it gets a bit more difficult to watch every Treehouse of Horror - after all, there's 27 of them now. That's like nine hours without commercials. I have talked at various points at length about how these have become the definitive TV Halloween Special, and I'd agree more or less with these rankings to this day. We probably deserve a whole new ranking, although the top five certainly wouldn't change. I'd say X, I, XV, XIV have trended up to me lately, XXII, XVII, and XVIII are certainly down. It's amazing how much they seem to have bungled Kang and Kodos since "Citizen Kang." In terms of the four specials since 2012, XXIV outside the Guillermo del Toro opening is garbage, probably bottom tier, XXV and XXVI are decent, middle group stuff, and the latest, XXVII is a solid contender for worst ever. I know, this is impossible to remember just by roman numerals. I have given you the pain of looking all these up for yourself. Even the section titles can be tough to remember. Just....just trust the word of Norwegian Morning Wood here, folks. Fine, I'll throw together an updated ranking.

#27: "Monster Mash" by Bobby Picket - Song

Here's Halloween Trivia for whatever party you're headed to tonight: Who first released the "Monster Mash" and in what year? Bobby "Boris" Picket, 1962! That's got to be the lamest party ever if you're sitting around trading "Monster Mash" trivia. Here's a video of this dude - can you imagine, like, Kanye West doing this on national TV these days? This is the Halloween equivalent of "Jingle Bells," though - the perfect Halloween Carol if we've ever had one. Sung ostensibly from the viewpoint of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the song focuses on his monster rising from his slab, and starting a huge dance party. The lyrics are really insane though - apparently zombies, the Wolfman, and Dracula (as well as his son - what the hell?) all show up, Drac gets pissed because they left out his favorite dance, the Transylvania Twist, but then they rectify that somehow, including the Prince of Darkness in their band or whatever. And then Bobby "Boris" Picket includes himself in a weirdly toned "Tell them Boris sent you!" to invite everyone into the Graveyard Smash. And who the hell are the Crypt-Kicker Five? There are so many questions here. Of course, that's what adds to the horrifying Halloween mystery machine.

#28: Halloween (1978) - Movie

ooo la la Mikey1

Perhaps the grandaddy of all Halloween movies, and certainly of most modern slasher movies (although a solid case can be made for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre [1974]), Halloween for all its glory demands viewing on its namesake holiday. For all this hyperbole, though, there's actually not all that much to do with Halloween in this film. Sure the change of seasons, incoming death, and naïve trick or treating play a big part, and wee lil' Mikey Meyers committing his first murder dressed in costume on Halloween carries significance according to whatever definition for his madness you can ascribe - evil possession, disassociative identity disorder, being a douchebag, whatever, but this feels like it could be a horror for all occasions rather than holiday specific. I mean, the Rob Zombie 2007 version came out in August for knife's sake. All this would make it seem like I'm trouncing the film, and in a lot of ways this probably shouldn't be ranked as high as it is, but there's still something definitively Halloween-ish in watching it this night, if only for tradition's sake.

Wait - what's that?

You thought we'd blow the whole wad up to #31 two days before Halloween! You're crazier than a machete-wielding Red Wings fan! You're going to have to wait until the day of Satan's Reckoning to see what our Top Three picks are and I will guarantee you that the #1 will be stupid enough that you never read this site again ever.

31 Additional Days of Hallow Treats: Earnest Scared Shitless!

Welcome again eager readers to our Halloween Countdown of All Things Scary! What's scariest of all is that we're totally disinterested in offering little bits of spooky cultural ephemera each day, but instead are rather content to blast huge chunks to you all at once. So today we have six more fun-filled gobtacular bits of pop culture to shove down your miserable throats. Let's jump back into the insanity pit:

#19: The Cabin in the Woods (2012) - Movie

A few years back when The Cabin in the Woods was all over Netflix, this was an easier must check-off on the Halloween List, and even though it's not anymore, it's still a great time getting some meta-scares in during October. The trope-busting is reminiscent of Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010), but much more blatant in its postmodern treatment of classic creepy slasher conventions. Its ending is also the best ending of any horror film ever (well, the monster mash, at least. SPOILER Sigourney Weaver's blah blah Ancient God sacrifice is a bit forced), and a nice way to chunk in every (mostly modern) horror icon in one big go. Its bloody gory greatness is a sublime pay-off to a film equally stuffed with satire on bureacracy, horror, and teen dumbness. Defying genre at almost every turn, it's one of the best modern classics we got.

#20: Ernest Scared Stupid (1991) - Movie

This is probably the most horrifying moment of my childhood on this entire list. A lot of really dumb shit scared and scarred me for life in my formulative years, and Trantor the Troll is about at the top of that list. That motherfucker who sucked the life out of boys until they became wooden dolls still scares the stupid out of me. Was that whole thing a metaphor for abuse? With Ernest P. Worrall at the helm, most likely. Ernest was such a flash in the pan cultural touchstone, which seems completely bizarre now. Somehow there were a whopping nine Ernest films, five of which were released theatrically. There's almost no cultural memory of the doofy hick janitor, though, which seems weird in the least. I suppose none were all that effective, and who the hell knows what Jim Varney is up to now. Ernest for President! Anyway, Ernest Scared Stupid is at least the third best of the films, probably after Camp (1987) and Jail (1990). Did Ernest get raped in prison? These are the questions we may never know the answer to.

#21: Scream Queens - TV Show

So, like American Horror Story, I just had a huge bit about this show, which is my ultimate guility pleasure. Both Season 1 and the current Season 2 have largely centered around Halloween; this season in particular has used the holiday as a supreme focal point. There's not really a better show that has captured the spirit of Halloween to such an extreme degree that it bleeds into some actual bleeding - murder, mystery, and ghouls galore! From its endless trash and insane over-the-top characters, Scream Queens screams Halloween like a dream.

#22: "A Nightmare on Facetime" from South Park - TV Show

There are a couple television shows that just consistently do Halloween episodes right. The Simpsons is the obvious paradigm, but from The Office to Parks and Recreation, year in and year out, the stuff works. "Bolloween" from Outsourced was also totally that show's best episode. Yes, I watched Outsourced. That show was terrible. But South Park is a show that really gets the combination spooky and doofy, from "Pinkeye", "Korn's Groovy Ghost Pirate Mystery", and "Spookyfish" all the way to the beautiful "Hell on Earth 2006." I might go rogue here, though, and name "A Nightmare on Facetime" as my favourite South Park Halloween episode. From the spot-on 2012 costumes that make it a perfect time capsule (all Avengers and Psy) to the brilliant melding of Blockbuster and The Shining (1980) into a damned good Randy episode that also finds room for a lot more of the regular cast of characters.

#23: "Who Got Dee Pregnant?" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - TV Show

It may just be that this episode dropped at the perfect time in my life, but for a while, I lived a lot of Halloweens like the one depited here. "The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre" gets big points for actually owning a few genuine horror-tinged elements, but for a real twenty-something bar-hopping Halloween nut, "Who Got Dee Pregnant?" takes the cake. It follows the gang as they try to piece together a series of inter-connected drinking brown-outs into a singular story of what happened one Halloween night where Sweet Dee was knocked up. It's exactly every Halloween I had from 2008 to...uh...shit. Present. Still going strong. It's that element that's missing from most standard specials: Halloween as one of the top drinking days of the year!

#24: An American Werewolf in London (1981) - Movie

Turning away from television and back to movies for a second, this is the last Horror film on this countdown that doesn't have anything explicitly to do with Halloween. It's just scary, gruesome, and likely the best werewolf movie of all time, even if it faces stiff competition from The Howling (1981),  and to a lesser extent Silver Bullet (1985), Bad Moon (1996), and the recent old blind man werewolf epic Late Phases (2014). In fact, you could make a pretty coherent argument that every subsequent werewolf movie has gotten worse since London, which is more frightening than any man-canine lurking in the dark. John Landis mixes terrifying horror with great gore, decomposing corpse-ghosts, a dash of humour, romance, and tourism, and the single best werewolf transformation ever committed to film. Awoooo!! Roped into this is really Warren Zevon's 1978 single "Werewolves of London" (somehow the Adam Sandler cover in the best), which also blends silliness into mutilation. Why are werewolves way funnier than Frankensteins or Mummies? I suppose we just like puppy doggs. But "Werewolves of London" has also found its way into Halloween Soundtrack proceedings.

Wanna go for a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's?

There's the latest installment for you. As you can tell, we're really getting deep into the All Hallow's Eve Spirit by know. There are assuredly some great films, songs, television shows, and feature-length music videos to get through - Halloween is just that kind of fantastic holiday! Stay tuned for more this week as we break down the next two installments of this Big List of Halloween Junk!

31 Days of Halloween Stuff: Cartoons, Zombies, and the Best of Burton

Once again we bring you an irregular series of posts purportedly tied into the 31 Days of Halloween, which exists as a marketing gimmick as much as any sort of real thing. But still, October is Creep Month, and although Creep (2014) isn't on this list, we still have #7-12 of cultural junk I specifically ingest to get in the mood for the season. So let's jump in to this issue of madness:

#7: "Spooky" from Conker's Bad Fur Day - Video Game

To offer some background, I'm a complete Rareware nut, dating back in the Super Nintendo / N64 era in the 1990s. I've played the series of Donkey Kong games and their spin-offs endlessly. Conker's BFD was in many ways the last hurrah of that specific era, superficially just another cutesy platformer, but in actuality dripping in ironic adult postmodernism. I've talked about my love of this game in two separate posts from 2009. Needless to say, while I've played my share of creepy games, this one takes the cake. Oh, it does! Maybe it's the limited controls (that are daresay...realistic?), or the simple fact that it's a crazy left turn from where the game seemed to be going, but the nonstop onslaught of zombie squirrels is way more panic-inducing than it has any right to be.

#8: "Sugar Frosted Frights" from Rocko's Modern Life - TV Show

Alright, deep cut from my childhood. Again. When I was a wee lad, this episode of the surreal children's show scared the hell out of me. With trepidation I re-watched it this week only to discover that it's really...not scary at all? It's certainly bizarre, though. You can watch it yourself totally legally on this totally legal site right here. I don't know why this haunted me so. Maybe it's actually that the structure and sequence of the episode really throws you off - when you expect the biggest scare you get this weird moment of camaraderie that blatantly doesn't make any sense (even Filburt is thrown for a loop). Essentially when the big bad, the Haunted Hessian is going in for the kill the episode flashes forward a year where he relives the "goofy moments of yesteryear" with the principal cast. Still, who took those pictures?!

#9: Stranger Things - TV Show

Here's just about the most contemporary installment on this list, but still a goodie. It's probably too recent in our memory to really necessitate a re-showing in October, but 1) If you haven't seen it yet, solve that, and 2) in years to come this will certainly be a Halloween viewing requirement, if we can get over the fact that it feels SO Summer '16. Season 2 I'm sure will leave us equally indebted to creepy throwback child horror, and if it debuts anywhere near Fall, all the better. All in all, despite the addictiveness, in the end it'd be nice if there was a bit more pay-off to the lot, and it's assuredly an ironic combination of nostalgia and recency that puts it on this list. Hopefully it has staying power. You know Barb does. #1 Halloween Costume of 2016.

#10: The Walking Dead - TV Show

I've had a long and tormented history with The Walking Dead. After reading the comics I was pretty amped for the show, which delivered with aplomb for the first two or three seasons, then a solid hate-watch season, then around the time the Governor died I completely lost interest. Joe Bernthal, who's brought his tortured masculine intensity from Shane into his new role as the Punisher on Daredevil, remains the best character the show has ever had, and although its "anyone can die at any time" philosophy does wonders for its visceral and merciless world-building, it really fucks with its narrative reasons to keep watching. It's still a Halloween staple, though, and apparently everyone else is still pretty into the trite shit it's become. I've also written about this before.

#11: "The Day the World Got Really Screwed Up" from The Angry Beavers - TV Show

This is one that I really got into for a while. The Angry Beavers was a really surreal show in an age of constant surreal kid's shows. It was subtle and stupid and more often than not made no sense, even with adult eyes. "The Day the World Got Really Screwed Up" presents the pinnacle of this assertion and the show itself. It's as if The Mist (2007) took place as a B-Movie spoof in a 90s cartoon starring Beavers. It aggressively makes no sense, but all the little boys wanted to dress as Oxnard Montalvo back in '98. It's such a specific bit of culture to parody - I'm at a loss understanding why it was a priority. The results, though, is built more for adult stoners than small children. I have no issue with this.

#12: Ed Wood (1994) - Movie

For a while this made its way on my October must-watch list by virtue of it being one of the only slightly creepy movies in my DVD collection. It's not out and out horror, of course, but its focus on the film career of B-Movie...well, probably C-Movie (D-Movie?) legend Ed Wood who specialized in the macabre (or attempted macabre) makes for a fine Halloween time. The flick certainly stands out as being better than any film Ed Wood actually made and for definitely being Tim Burton's best work. It lacks the out and out fantastical creepiness of his other more overt Halloween-outings, but for whatever reason I never actually got into those. I really dig creepiness, but for some reason none of his other twisty, Danny Elfman-infused movies ever clicked for me. I suppose that's because he tends to be creepy, but also really family friendly, which kind of disarms the horror. But Ed Wood is still golden.

Also Gender Identity Progressive

So now we're over a third of the way through our Halloween List to End All Lists. Stay tuned throughout the week as we blast through more insane things from childhood and normal life to wrap our ghoulish little balls around. Kick back with a Fallgarita and enjoy the Death of the World!

31 Days of Halloween Lists: The Only List for Halloween Priorities

It's the time of the year for creeps and tricks and general horrific nonsense all around, which means it's a great opportunity for a bit of listology, too. Now, there are lots of ways to go about this. I could have cited 31 movies, one each day, or 31 creepy movie scenes, or the best Halloween Episodes, but I think we can be a bit mor grandiose than that.

And 31 is obviously the magic number here - virtually all of October qualifies as Pure Fall - the slow death of the seasons that looks gorgeous while a chill runs through the air sapping all hope and joy from the excess of summer. So I'm going with an October checklist, if you will. Here is a list of priorities to go through each October Season to get you in just saucey enough of a mood for the revelry of Samhain that comes at months' end. This is my personal list, and it gets pretty personal - but in just five easy installments for the rest of the month, we're going to cover it all. So, neglecting any sort of day-by-day posting, let's get through our first SIX THINGS TO LIST FOR HALLOWEEN.

1. JAWS (1975) - Movie.

JAWS gets its place here from being an immortal horror movie, but it's also totally more a summer film than a Halloween film. There hasn't been a better monster movie since, and I still jump when Brody chums some of that shit into the water and Bruce rears his head. There's a reason why this kicks us off, though - nothing about it feels October-relevant, but as a bridge from Summer to Fall, this is a nice combo of daylight beach-time horror. That will be about the last we see of that, though.

2. The Shining (1980) - Movie

Here we get a bit closer, but The Shining is really to winter horror what JAWS was to summer. I'll freely call this the scariest movie ever made, from the steady dreadful strings that make up its score to shocking suddenness of all its big scares. There's something in this whole film that makes it unsettling, whether it be the abstract, impossible geography, constant haunted feel, or eeriness. It's still not quite Halloween, but a great subtle fear-monster.

3. Ghostbusters (1984) - Movie

Trending in the opposite direction, Ghosbusters nailed the horror-comedy in ways that no one has been able to achieve since (including the 2016 version). There are still parts of this that feels more like a summer movie, though, probably just due to its blockbuster-ness. Its theme song has luckily made its way on to every Halloween Party playlist ever, though, so it gains a lot of points for Ray Parker alone.

4. Fallgaritas - Drink

Stay with me here, but back in 2010 I started sucking down these bad boys as soon as the wind turned cold. I distinctly remember pouring my first during a rousing viewing of Harry Brown (2009), and each and every October since then I get sauced off these treats. Jim Beam and Cider with a rim of caramel and a Kit Kat or Reece's garnish is a delectable treat to make bad Halloween decisions to.

5. Lowcountry - Short Story

Stay with me here, because I said this was personal. We do have a little-known sister site for prose, unwrites.blogspot.com. There, also back in 2010 I committed to the screen Lowcountry, an epic tale of forbidden love between Mummy and Frankenstein. It's certainly stupid; some would say extremely stupid, but I try to give it a re-read every time things get creepy. If you're looking to waste a good hour, I highly recommend as well!

6. Sleepy Hollow - Story / Horrible Movie / Worse TV Show

There are a lot of classic Halloween tales out there, but to me, it's all about Sleepy Hollow. It's the Halloween version of A Christmas Carol, passed down and re-told for each generation. It's really all about the pumpkin-toting Headless Horseman, who is underrated as far as classic ghouls go. That could be because he lacks a definitive classic portrayal. Sure, Chris Walken went nuts as the mad Hessian in Sleepy Hollow (1999), and the Nichole Beharie / Tom Mison show which used the Horseman...of the APOCALYPSE (wha-hey!!) as a jumping off point for a completely bonkers supernatural historical procedural. It's still nearing that golden Halloween-ness we're looking for, and so it's fitting to leave on for now.

What does he do when it rains? Does it just go down the neckhole?

I hope that saits your Halloween List appetite for now. We've got quite a bit more to cover - twenty-five more...THINGS for Halloween, so stay tuned, folks. It's gonna get weird and terrible and I love it.

Summer Jam Week 8: Boom Goes the Beat for America!

Happy America, everybody - and as the fireworks explode in the sky outside, let us also explode...in our hearts. And pants. We're going straight down the middle this week, letting the beauty of pop exuberance wash over us. In many ways this is when Summer actually begins. Let the Purge commence! I mean, uh, listen to these fun jams:

Hot Jam of the Week: "M.I.L.F. $" by Fergie



Needless to say, I love this for so many reasons. I hope this stays a hot jam for a while, although I can't really see it catching on. First of all, even though it's spelled "M.I.L.F. $", the correct pronunciation is "Milf Money", which the Dutchess has equated to Milk for some reason. It's also crazy to me that Fergie has had exactly one previous solo album, which gave her a spectacular 2006-07, and then for some reason after her great break-out, she went BACK to the Black Eyed Peas, had a ridiculous 2009...then like nothing at all since then. It's a bizarre career. No event is too small for the Black Eyed Peas. This is also a bonkers video with Kim Kardashian, Chrissy Teigan, and Devan Aoki making appearances alongside a lot of random-ass models in a celebration of motherhood. Or something. Oh I hope Double Dutchess makes bank and 2016 becomes another Year of Fergie. It needs to come every ten years.

Stayin and Slayin at Home: "Work" by Fifth Harmony ft. Tyga

This video has had 623 million YouTube views. Let that sink in for a second. That's obviously because it's one o the hottest videos ever, filling me with weird horny boner feelings then immediately cutting to a sweaty greasy male construction worker. It's just that kind of summer. I'd probably still go Benny Benassi when I'm looking for construction girls.

Bill 'Em With Blindness: "Kill 'Em With Kindness" by Selena Gomez

Selena has been on the pop Summer Jam periphery for a while now, and this might be her ticket to the big show. I don't think the beat quite matches the vocals - it's way to fast and sounds like it was made on a keyboard, but this is listenable enough. I like the content, even if it loses itself when it gets out of the chorus, and it's an interesting match to Bieber's "Love Yourself" if indeed they're singing about each other.

I Love Cheap Thrills! "Cheap Thrills" by Sia ft Sean Paul

I do really love the complete lack of effort to translate whatever the hell Sean Paul is singing, but this clearly my favourite song of the week, and has been since This is Acting dropped months ago. The track was originally written for Rihanna's Anti, which as good as it is coming out of Sia, would have been damn spectacular slid in between "Yeah I Said It" and "Same Old Mistakes." Okay, I've listened to both these albums far too much this year. I think Sia does a spectacular job here, but Rihanna spitting this would have been a sight to hear.

Mrs. Dead Eyes: "Dangerous Woman" by Ariana Grande

This has kind of grown on me lately, even if it's still kind of a whatever cookie cutter type of pop song that's typical of most of Ariana's non-"Problems" work. I feel like she very rarely finds a song to match her talents, which are virtually without limit as far as I'm concerned. The chorus here works, but the rest seems to undersell her vocals. It's gearing up at this point, and while I don't think it's Queen material, I'd be curious to see where it goes from here.

Trolls! "Can't Stop the Feeling" by JT

I think I've reached my saturation point with all these songs. I'm just not impressed by their spiciness at all. This is just a song that could have been sung by anyone. I'm over it. It's still a perfectly cheery and energetic summer jam, but that's really not enough. We need something a little bit more special to truly earn Summer Jam status, and with eight solid weeks in the can, this is looking like the best we got so far. Where's our ubiquity!?

RiRi and Calvin: "This is What You Came For" by Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna

See? I'm having trouble even distinguishing between all these jams. Each one is more similar than the last one. Is Fifth Harmony actually the most memorable jam right now? This one had a nice upsurge this week, although I'd honestly expect more out of Rihanna. They're all just kind of boring honestly. This has been on and off so far this summer, and if it stabilizes, it could make a nice dent in Summer Jamhood, but my inclination is that's not likely.

One More: "One Dance" by Drake and whatever

Now, I can't be alone in the feeling that even though this is the #1 jam on the Hot 100 and has made great strides across both Pop and Hip-Hop playlists, it just doesn't quite feel like the kind of Summer Jam that really takes hold of the country, right? It's not a "California Gurls" or "Party Rock Anthem" at all. This kind of shit happened last year with "Shut Up and Dance" which just took the Top Spot because no one else stepped up. We do have nine weeks left (it's amazing that we're nearly half over!), so we'll see!

Next week...

I may need to scour to do another "All Brand New Hotness" edition because we're getting mad stale mad fast. I narrowly left off the Chainsmokers this week, but other than that, I'm not hearing anything all that interesting. Keep your ears and hearts open people and to this, to you, to America, I say good day!

Purging Through the Jungle with a Big Fucking Giant

Ahh. The Fourth of July Weekend. This has traditionally been a powerhouse weekend at the Cinema, but truth be told, in recent years past that distinction has been put to the test. We have three films dropping this weekend, none of which I'd expect to really light up the box office. Still, let's try to discuss their critical, cultural, and commercial potential. First, though, let's update on Independence Day Weekend:

Way back when when I was crushing The Long Halloween, we discussed the obvious choice this weekend - Independence Day (1996). We're lucky to have Resurgence (2016) still slumming around theaters this weekend, and you should probably go see that. We haven't actually had an outstanding Independence Day weekend in a while though. If you check out the top all time, we have Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) at the tip-top and Despicable Me 2 (2013) at the #3 slot, but that doesn't feel quite like a Fourth of July America Fuck Yeah-sort of blockbuster, does it? We're five years past Dark of the Moon - what else we got?

Well, the only other films in the past decade are a Twilight film, The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), and the original Transformers (2007). Recent years have given us some epic misfires, from Terminator: Genisys (2015) to Tammy (2014), The Lone Ranger (2013), and The Last Airbender (2010). These are some of the most high profile bombs of all time, or at least recent cinematic history. Once you get out into the aughts there are some better candidates like Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009), Hancock (2008), and Superman Returns (2006), but very few of these echo that epic patriotism of Independence Day. That's likely a solid reason why Transformers has done so well here. America wants to turn its brain off and watch some explosions, jingoism, and some fucking flag waving for the grand U S of A. I'm still kind of surprised that Tammy fell on its face, because even though it was a bit of a mess, it was totally a summer movie that had a lot of fun with itself, even if it had some heavy parts that didn't really hit on a tonal level.

My point is that in the 90s this weekend saw Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990 - which, by the way, what did audiences think of the Christmas-themed film that uses a snowstorm as an integral plot component coming out in the Heart of Summer?), T2: Judgment Day (1991 - somehow this is way more of a patriotic movie than Genysis. Maybe it's just a better movie), Men in Black (1997), Armageddon (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), and The Patriot (2000). These are the films that Independence Day built its back on. All of these are classic American blockbusters. Well, Wild Wild West and The Patriot sort of, but they're still pretty damn American.

On that note, we ought to talk about Will Smith, who appeared in four of the above movies (plus Men in Black II [2002], also a Fourth of July movie). These were all decently successful. Even Wild Wild West made as much as Bad Boys (1995) and Ali (2001) put together. His absence in any good film since...jeez, I Am Legend (2007)? If that? Maybe we go back to Hitch (2005)? Anyway, his absense in any good films, despite how incredible and weird and awesome his brief scene in Winter's Tale (2014) is, is surely felt in a country that yearns for someone to fill the big gap left by his departure. And we have another Independence Day right now! Why wasn't this worked out? Damn it. Damney damn it.

So let's go through these films in order of how much I want to see them, and I don't think I'll spend all that much time on anyone this go around. I say that now. Let's start with The BFG. Now, I was an enormous fan of the Roald Dahl book as a kid, and twenty years ago I'd be ecstatic at the prospect of a film adaptation. I'm not into it nearly as much now for some reason. Maybe it's just because I haven't read the book in twenty years. I remember the Fleshlumpeater and that farting scene. And didn't he really like pickles or something?

That's not natural.

The BFG just really doesn't look that exciting. I don't want to blame the layers of endless hokey CGI...but it's probably the endless layers of hokey CGI. I also can't understand Spielberg's sudden love affair with Mark Rylance. I'm not convinced of his acting ability at all, Academy Award be damned. Maybe the whole thing is just a little childish for me. I was also never into The Adventures of Tintin (2011), which was due to a simple disconnect from the material, which I think The BFG echoes.

There's no real reason to expect a poor movie out of Spielberg, although Tintin is unfortunately the closest thing you can compare this to. He's always avoided streaks or trends (he made The Lost World [1997] in between Schindler's List [1993] and Amistad [1997] and 1941 [1979] in between Close Encounters of the Third Kind [1977] and Raiders of the Lost Ark [1981] - you never know what you're going to get). I get a bad feeling about The BFG. I don't think Independence Day Americans want to see a British-based fantasy film. There hasn't been that much urgency to any of the marketing material, and there doesn't seem to be any must-see scenes or cultural resonance to it. I'd call it a hard pass at this point.

Roald Dahl film adaptaions are also a fairly mixed bag. For every Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) you have a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005). Even in animation, they range from the dreadful James and the Giant Peach (1996) to the sublime Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009). I'd argue that this essentially all comes down to the adaptation team. Mr. Fox is very much a Wes Anderson film the same as Charlie is, for better or worse, very much a later-era Tim Burton film. It's hard to predict anything, but I'm siding on the "no one cares" angle.

Moving on to The Legend of Tarzan (2016), which is another movie where I don't understand its existence. Why do they keep greenlighting Edgar Rice Burroughs stories? This actually seems to have an interesting twist - it's set after Tarzan has already left the jungle and depicts him coming back and re-adapting to Ape Culture. That's totally not communicated in the marketing and I feel a Hercules (2014) thing coming on where you get all pumped up to see Hercules and then it turns out that Hercules isn't even Hercules.

Watch out for that tree!

Of course, Tarzan is one of the most popular film characters of all time. He's appeared in 54 films since 1918. Of course, 44 of those films came before 1980. Still, there's been ten Tarzan films since 1980! Did you even know that?! The most high profile recent film is probably the bizarre dreadlocked Disney Tarzan (1999) with Rosie O'Donnell and a particularly brutal villain death, even for 90s Disney Films. But did you catch the Casper Van Dien film from 1998!? That was the last live action Tarzan film, and because of its serialized Johnny Weissmuller history along with its trend towards ultimate camp (Christopher Lambert taking the title role in 1984 seals it), it's been kind of a weird IP to add legitimacy to.

Still, it's public domain, so play ball. The cast of this one is actually pretty spectacular, re-uniting Django Unchained co-stars Sam Jackson and Christoph Waltz (who actually seems to be kind of awful in non-Tarantino films), along with Margot Robbie, Djimon Hounsou (who I feel like is in everything), and Jim Broadbent. The weak link is probably Alexander Skarsgård, who is a competent enough actor, but has never been really exceptional or a memorable draw. I suppose this is his chance, and he has the abs, so that works.

It's actually a bit weird how pervasive Tarzan is in our social consciousness. I've never seen a Tarzan film outside of the Disney version, but I totally know the story. The yell, the loincloth, it's all good. Most my memory is probably more Brendan Fraser George of the Jungle (1997). I mean, this is gold. Pure gold. I'm not going to be able to watch The Legend of Tarzan now. All I will think about is Brendan Fraser swinging into trees. Does Tarzan really deserve the rain-soaked gritty treatment? The dude's in loincloth surrounded by Apes. He better do the yell. I hope this film doesn't think it's too good for Skarsgård to scream through the jungle like a maniac. It's like Godzilla's fire breath; the most distinctive trait for the character.

I don't think anyone will want to see a Tarzan movie for the same reason they didn't want a John Carter movie or a Lone Ranger movie. These are old characters that we don't really care about. Every kid and nerd wants to see a movie about Captain America because they grew up reading stories about him. No one has sat around reading Tarzan stories in literally a hundred years, and even back then, they were niche pulp, not highly respected literature. My hopes for this film's success are about as dismal as The BFG. Again, if you're an overzealous American kid on Independence Day do you want to see some Brits wandering around the jungle screaming at Apes? Where is my damn fighter jet. Now, if they were to finally come out with a Magnus, Robot Fighter movie, then we'd be getting somewhere.

So now we move on to The Purge: Election Year (2016). Thank you, Purge. Thank you. This is my #1 movie of the week, at least that I'm pumped up about. It has tended to be a niche film, although to be fair, the original, even if wouldn't compete with traditional summer blockbusters, made thirty times its budget worldwide. It sequel, The Purge: Anarchy (2014) made a bit more than that, but more importantly, it drastically expanded its world in a way that I really respected. Election Year looks like it's going all-out nuts crazy, which is awesome. It feels like this series is getting looser and crazier as it goes on, toying with its premise in ways that progressively blur the line between horror and horror-comedy.

Do your patriotic duty and watch The Purge.

It's also flatly American. If there's any theme to this Independence Day Weekend post, it's that these films should have something American to them! I suppose the big studios don't actually care about that anymore because they can actually get a little more bank by focusing on more global issues while securing high worldwide grosses. Eww. Lame. There also seems to be a derth of political films in general this year. We've at least had W. (2008) or The Campaign (2012) in years past. Maybe The Purge: Election Year fits in with that lot.

Two years ago I argued that Purge movies could go on forever with the articulate yet simple high concept world they've built. The cool part is that they're not tied into any specific character or scenario. They can spin it into whatever they want. Obviously this year, with the chick from The Santa Clause 2: the Mrs. Clause (2002) wanting to ban the Purge, well that just won't stand. Hey it can't end with her being successful, right? Then these movies will stop! Maybe the creators are all purged out. No, that will not stand!

In terms of cultural resonance, I actually see Election Year blurring with Anarchy, unless it ends up really setting itself apart. It certainly seems like it could. It has the style, sardonic wit, and murderous irreverence to do so that seems to up the ante from the previous installments while communicating a pretty simple plot efficiently. Out of all the films coming out this weekend, Election Year is somehow the only one that has actually given me a compelling reason to see it - I want to know if the Purges stop!

Election Year will almost certainly make money, even if it doesn't debut near the top of the Weekend, which it'll honestly have to get through Finding Dory (2016) to get through, which ought to crush at least another $30 million. I can see The BFG reigning supreme, although it's going to be a close call. Election Year may also run into some trouble from The Shallows (2016) and The Conjuring 2 (2016), both of which have done decent for what they are. Are we horror'd out for Summer? They're all pretty different movies - ghosts, sharks, legal murder for 12 hours. What movie do you think will earn the crown this weekend?

The Long Halloween Vol. IV: Simpsons Edition - Talk Like a Pirate Day

We're at the end of a very long rope. For the past four years for some reason, Norwegian Morning Wood has paired the greatest Holidays of each month with the most appropriate food, movies, and TV specials to watch and enjoy. When we (quickly) ran out of mainstream holidays, we opted for super-obscure moments like Hermit Day and Puzzle Day. After that, we just ran through The Simpsons. Starring with Halloween, we've explored the following episodes:

October - Hurricane Sandy: "Hurricane Neddy" (S8;E8)
October - Halloween: Treehouse of Horror Ranking
November - Thanksgiving: "Bart vs. Thanksgiving" (S2;E7)
December - Christmas: "Marge Be Not Proud" (S7;E11)
January - New Year's Day: "Itchy & Scratchy Land" (S6;E4), "Trouble with Trillions" (S9;E20), "Treehouse of Horror X" (S11;E4)
February - Valentine's Day: "I Love Lisa" (S4;E15)
March - St. Patty's Day: "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment" (S8;E18)
April - April Fool's Day: "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show" (S4;E18)
April - Spring Break: "Bart on the Road" (S7;E20)
May -  Whacking Day: "Whacking Day" (S4;E20)
June - Flag Day: "Much Apu About Nothing" (S7;E23)"
July - Independence Day: "Summer of 4 ft 2" (S7;E25)
August - Roman Holiday: "Stark Raving Dad" (S3;E1), "Grade School Confidential" (S8;E19), "Rosebud" (S5;E44)
September - Talk Like a Pirate Day: "The Mansion Family" (S11;E12)

So yes, on two months we covered multiple Holidays / Episodes, including a Hurricane. Despite this, we ignored "Mother Simpson" (S7;E8) for Mother's Day. Or "Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" (S6;E10) for Father's Day. There were also a few months where multiple episodes fit the theme and others where we really just ran with the first thought that came into our heads. The whole list is admittedly wacky. And we certainly didn't set out to bring in half the episodes from either Seasons 4 or 7.

Oh yeah, and Britney Spears
is in this episode for no reason

So today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For that reason we're highlighting a small part of the Season 11 episode, "The Mansion Family," where Homer, Bart, and a gaggle of male Springfield partiers are captured by Chinese Pirates on the High Seas. "The Mansion Family" is very much one of those episodes that showed up more in Seasons 11 and 12 that signaled a transition in the humour style of The Simpsons. The jokes come fast and super-nutty, often without much context or ramification. It's the Family Guy-ification of the show. There are still some high spots, though.

In general, the high spots come from this rapid-fire plot progression. Instead of a convoluted path to inheriting Burns' mansion, Burns handpicks Homer as that "bumbling idiot that screws everything up all the time" because Burns figures he's due to succeed. There's also a monkey knife fight ("Oh ho! He ain't pretty no more!" "Furious George!"), Tyson v. Secretariat ("Slaughter in the Water"), and Homer riding around drunk on a lawnmower though the halls of Burns' mansion.

A lot of the goofiness comes from the family adapting to Burns' Manor ("I believe you use that fork to scratch your arse."). From the mysterious guy in the safe that Bart Cracks to the innocuous Triceratops Head on the wall, the house is full of craziness that flies by rapidly. Looking back, it's still pretty funny, but it's certainly a shift away from the high concept years of Seasons 6 - 8 and the heavily character and family based years of 1 - 5.

On the other side we see Burns getting checked out at the Mayo Clinic and just how sick he is. My personal favourite moment comes real fast as he's going up and down this little escalator ("I'm a big boy.") There's just this overall level of weirdness everywhere, including some painful Smithers moments ("Do you know how many eggs it laid in your brain?" "This monkey is going to need most of your skin."). These quotes don't really seem Simpson-esque at first; although they contain the wit of earlier episodes in some cases they're also heavy non sequitors.

Lenny's a heavy favourite.

Oh yeah, the pirates. Homer takes the party out to International Waters so Moe can sell them beer earlier on a Sunday. Naturally, the gang is attacked by Pirates, who are Chinese but sort of dressed like Johnny Depp. This was a bit before Somalian Pirates became all the rage, and it has no real comment on modern piracy other than the perils of being on the bottom of half a big net of people dropped into the ocean.

So that's it. That's The Long Halloween. Forever. We may be highlighting some future great moments, but we'll throw any kind of structure to the wind. From here on out, anything goes. You cared.

The Long Halloween Vol. IV: Simpsons Edition - Roman Holiday

August is always a difficult time for The Long Halloween. There aren't really any major holidays to be found at all. Calendars always just have the PGA Championships just to have something to fill those blank dates. So what does that mean for this column?  We've been cruising through the greatest Simpsons holiday specials all year. Do we focus on golf with "Dead Putting Society" (S2;E6), "Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield" (S7;E14), and even shout-out to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge in "Marge Be Not Proud" (S7;E11)? Something about that is still a little unsatisfying.

Naturally, we took inspiration from the Long Halloween's namesake, the 1996 Batman comic by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale. They were also a bit stumped by August, but since Loeb's father's birthday is in that month, they also made it the birthday of crime boss Carmine "The Roman" Falcone and centered their holiday-themed issue that month around that event. This is a roundabout way to say that my birthday is also in August - so of course, it's then time to talk about Birthdays on The Simpsons. As you do.

"He dresses without flair!"

There is an expert list of every birthday from the show that you can find over here. Typically characters seem to forget each other's birthdays, whether it be Homer forgetting Marge's in "Life on the Fast Lane" (S1;E9) or Bart forgetting Lisa's in "Stark Raving Dad" (S3;E1). The latter is particularly notable for featuring one of the show's all-time biggest guest stars, Michael Jackson. 1991 Michael is interesting, considering he was still the biggest star on the planet without the tainted legacy of erratic behavior, bizarro health problems, and child molestation charges. While it's obvious that Michael was probably more of a victim himself of brutal parenting and an inability to really deal with fame, there is still a bit of a taint to parts of this episode, particularly how excited Bart is to have MJ stay over at his house.

When thinking of Simpsons birthdays it's tough to get "Lisa, It's Your Birthday" out of your head, but really "Stark Raving Dad" is a swirl of riffing on One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975), Michael Jackson's oeuvre, and only ties that birthday on during its final, sweet moments. We can look beyond to shoddy thoughtless last minute birthday gifts (both from  Bart) in "New Kid on the Block" (S4;E8) and "Sunday, Cruddy Sunday" (S10;E11). There is also the notable moment in "The Springfield Files" when Homer notes that his birthday is the same as the dog's (S8;E11). There are, however, three notable Birthday Party episodes that you could watch in August. If it's your birthday. Like mine and Jeph Loeb's father.

The first is the first birthday of Maggie Simpson in "Lady Bouvier's Lover" (S5;E21). There's nothing really exceptional about the party, but the episode should be known for two fantastic moments, the first when Homer pictures how his kids would look if they were more realistic (derived from his own insane logic, which stems that if his father dated Marge's mother, they would become siblings). The second is "The Sound of Grandpa" which parodies Simon & Garfunkel along with the ending of The Graduate (1967), and remains one of the show's better, subtle parody songs. The only song that may come close is the biting truth of "Flaming Moe's", tackling the same subject of Cheers' "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" with an acerbic Simpsons twist. Both songs were crooned by Kipp Lennon, who also provided Michael Jackson's singing voice in "Stark Raving Dad." There's your Simpsons  trivia for the day.

"You know - makin' babies!"

Moving on, we have Martin Prince's extensive birthday celebration in "Grade School Confidential" (S8;E19). There are some great moments that capture the overall shittiness of children's' birthday parties, from the massive boredom adults may feel, to the awkwardness of interacting with both people you don't know or people in a new setting. It's enough to make you sick - literally if you got into that bad batch of oysters. This episode also features one of the better subtle moments in the series - as the camera pans over the crowd after they learn that Skinner is a virgin, Krusty's face goes from sheer horror to unbridled joy. It's a magnificent background touch.

Finally, perhaps the most famous Simpsons birthday episode is "Rosebud" (S5;E4), which features a birthday not from the core family, but C. Montgomery Burns. It also gave us a birthday song that we should be singing more often than "Lisa, It's Your Birthday." More importantly though, "Rosebud" illustrates that all the riches and fancy gifts and guests int he world can't buy us what we really want - whether it's just family, friendships, or a small stuffed bear named Bobo that symbolizes our childhood innocence.

We only have one more month full of holidays until we come full circle and that will be about it. Stay tuned for one more great September Simpsons episode to enjoy - until then, Happy Birthday!

The Long Halloween Vol. IV: Simpsons Edition - Independence Day

For some time now we've been taking a moment on each holiday, once a month, to highlight the best TV and Movies to watch to accompany the festivities. We soon ran out of the really good ones, so now we're just focusing on The Simpsons. There is such a wealth of episodes to choose from, they've covered just about everything. Today, as we celebrate our Independence Day with Bill Pullman, it's time for "The Summer of 4 ft. 2" (S7;E25).

This is as much an episode about summer, growing up, and embracing one's identity as it is about the Fourth of July. In fact, there is really just a small Independence Celebration, but it's enough to make this episode worthwhile viewing. At the core, this is a very Lisa-centric episode, although it's Homer who gets all the best moments. When the Simpson family go on vacay to Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport, Lisa decides to leave behind her old persona and attempt to sell out to the culture of Gen X to gain some friends.

The episode begins with one of the most accurate (and pathetic) sprinkler pantomimes from Milhouse that really do sum up a lot of Summer. There's plenty more good moments depicting how amped up kids can get on the last day of school and how the quest for knowledge is never truly complete ("Was Abraham Lincoln okay?"). Back at home, Flanders has a long convoluted story as to why he can't stay at his vacation house ("Seems a man drove up onto a traffic island and hit a decorative rowboat full of geraniums. Now they're trying it as a maritime offense.") but Homer won't take the incredibly kind offer without a little more on Ned's part - fixing his septic tank ("Hello Mr. Brown-ground!"). It's the epitome of ungrateful Homer. At least his notes were helpful.

At the same time, Lisa is dealing with her own patheticness and the simple fact that she really doesn't have any friends. She struggles with her identity, ultimately adapting herself into a well-made pastiche of youth culture that successfully entices local kids in the town. This causes an upset of the status quo, when Bart becomes unpopular with the cool kids, which is the reverse of their roles in Springfield. Bart becomes nefarious as brothers are wont to do, and spoils Lisa's newfound popularity through showing her friends the "real" Lisa - nerdy perfect teacher's pet.

Of course, due to the fact that all the kids actually liked Lisa (from teaching them things like how they shouldn't drink seawater), they are fairly okay with her nerdy leanings, and decorate her car with seashells and other beach combings. Of course, it's really Homer's car ("Sweet merciful crap!"). There's this theme of growing up, perfectly encapuslated in a metaphor with the hermit crab - as Lisa notes, when it grows too big, it finds a new shell. This episode is all about Lisa finding a new shell and evolving from what her mother thought she was ("And a star on the fanny!").

This episode is full of many other great side moments that chronicle the family's summer vacation to a very Cape Cod, or at least a very New England-esque Summer Town. This episode is possibly full of more background sight gags than any other, including Homer's slow smile once he realizes that Bart drew the "dud" in the mystery date game and he has similarities to Milhouse ("He looks just like you, Poindexter!"). There is also a classic gag where Milhouse suddenly appears from behind a cereal box at breakfast after a lengthy argument between Bart and Lisa.

It's fun to imagine what Homer was doing during this whole trip. After Bart's sly line before they jump into the ocean ("Last one in's a yearbook editor!"), they find Homer sitting in his car, apparently driving around the inch-deep water. He also has the most legendary convenience store order ever - a porno mag, large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper, box of panty shields, and two disposable enemas. And of course, some illegal fireworks.

The M-320 with a short fuse is a great bit, but I get a lot more enjoyment out of the following scene that features Marge in the background mopping up the mess with a frustrated look on her face. There's also a real quick second shot of her cleaning all the burn and destroyed dishes. On the subject of Marge, I also like her line "Don't make me get the carny!" at the carnival - there's just a level of absurd juxtaposition there, as if the carny was a serious authority figure whose job it was to ensure their games are played fair.

The episode also wriggles in a ton of references to trashy 90s shows like Blossom and Baywatch as part of the interaction with the kids. The Simpsons usually doesn't date itself as rough as this, but I haven't thought of Blossom in years. In fact, I've never really thought of Blossom, but as a 90s kid that's a fun gag to get nearly twenty years later. Here's a fun fact: Blossom actually premiered over twenty years ago. Jeez. Maybe it's fun to watch while eating baguettes?

Finally, I'm sure it's not that funny now or ever was to any other sensible human being, but when I first saw this as a kid I distinctly remember laughing uncontrollably at the final sight gag - the hermit crab crawling into Homer's Buzz Cola can. I think I laughed for twenty minutes. I couldn't handle it. It's not that great of a joke, but damn I just thought the little guy's misguided attempt to find a new home through Homer's waste was the funniest thing I had seen in my life.

So, if this episode doesn't make you yearn for a Cape Cod vacation, I don't know what could. In addition to celebrating the birth of our nation by blowing up a small part of it, there's a lot to be said here about Summer Vacations, weird vacation friends (any of those characters - Erin, Dean, etc - ever make it back in any future episodes?), and finding yourself as you grow out of your shell.

Happy Independence Day! Here's to hot dogs, explosions, beer, and freedom! America!

The Long Halloween Vol. IV: Simpsons Edition - Flag Day

Well, it's Flag Day. That's right - Flag Day! Being the grand holiday that it is, it's time again for The Long Halloween - NMW's monthly examination of the greatest holiday specials out there. Now, since this was our fourth year doing such things, it's time to spice it up with the ALL SIMPSONS EDITION. Now, you may ask yourself, which episodes of The Simpsons have anything to do with Flag Day? Your mind may wander towards "Bart-Mangled Banner" (S15;E21) where Bart accidentally moons the flag. Or perhaps, "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love: (S13;E4) in which Mr. Burns unwraps a fortune cookie that predicts he will find true love on Flag Day. We all wish to find true love on Flag Day, but for the best Simpsons Flag episode, we turned to "Much Apu About Nothing" (S7;E23) for its obscure bit about the American Flag surrounded by a hell of an episode.

The episode centers around Quimby's Proposition 24, which if passed, will boot out all the illegal immigrants in Springfield. This measure was pushed through, of course, because of a run of bear attacks. Er - bear attack. Homer is all for it and all for America until he realises that his good friend Apu will also be kicked out of the country.

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday."

The flag part comes in when Homer is attempting to educate Apu about our Great Nation in order for him to pass a citizenship test. He claims that the 13 stripes are for good luck, but there are only 47 stars on the flag. Apu notes that the flag, which Homer stole from the Library last year, was purchased during the brief time in 1912 after New Mexico became a state (January 6) but before Arizona did (February 14). We're dealing with some pretty obscure historical knowledge here, and it's fitting that Apu knows much more about the Land of the Free than Homer does. The earnest of their relationship is part of what makes this episode endearing, though. I'm not sure how the Simpson Family became so close to their local convenience store worker ("Homer and Apu" [S5;E13] I guess), but it works here. Apu ends up passing his test, but no one in Springfield learns anything about immigration. That sounds about right.

The episode is a little more joke-heavy in its opening that centers on a Bear wandering around Evergreen Terrace. From the ordeals the Flanders had to face ("It was horrible! We had to drink...toilet water!") to the terrors that bestowed the Simpson Family ("If I'm going to be trapped in here I need to go out and get some beer."), the panic surrounding this big doofy bear is simultaneously played up and acknowledged as unnecessary hysteria. There's also a nice visual gag where the Simpsons fridge only contains three boxes of baking soda. The scene is capped with the Bear being shot and taken away by the U.S. Forest Service while the same happens with Barney, who is hauled away by Moe's.

After the panic, Quimby institutes the Bear Patrol, which features round the clock armed vans and even a few Stealth Bombers (there's a rather insane bit in the Springfield Shopper later on that the Bear Patrol "stepped up their bombing campaign"). When the taxes are too high ("I pay the Homer Tax!" "That's the home owner tax."), the blame is shifted to illegal immigrants ("It's going to take real leadership to duck this issue!"). Moe, in a bit that ends up being ironic, seems to lead the charge against the immigrants with his barflies protesting the Kwik-E-Mart and regularly engaging in a rapid xenophobia ("Even when it was the bears I knew it was them!"). At the end though, it's revealed that Moe, too, is an illegal immigrant - and with a name like Momar Szyslak (Revealed in "The Springfield Connection" [S6;E23] and "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1 [S6;E25], respectively), who wouldn't be? It seems that he passed the citizenship test along with Apu, though, as did Dr. Nick, who is seen at Apu's Party.

Among the people who didn't pass, though, was Willie, who is sent on his way at the episode's end. Of course, nothing in The Simpsons is all that permanent. There's also a nice Native American (like Homer...) vs. American Indian (like Apu...) bit at the party that goes on just as long as it needs to. This episode also has one of the most succinct descriptions of specious reasoning and the concept that correlation does not imply causation through the form of Lisa's Tiger Repelling Rock. She surmises that since there are no tigers around, her rock must be keeping them away. Homer, of course, buys her rock.

This episode not only contains a study of the classic Springfield mob mentality and a harsh critique of anti-immigration, but it's a deeper look at Apu. It's revealed that he may be something of a genius, having graduated first in his class of 7 million at Calcutta Technical Institute, and then completing his Ph.D. in nine years in what seems to be computer science. It's notable that he's studying under the brilliant Professor Frink, whose future predictions of computers may be a bit off, but there's also a sly joke that Apu studies at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology (or SHIT. Sounds like South Harmon). Yet, he still works at the Kwik-E-Mart.

"Who needs the infinite wisdom of Ganeesha when I have
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me
from Entertainment Weekly with THEIR DEAD EYES!"

There are also some great moments getting his fake American I.D. From Fat Tony ("A cheap $2000 forgery!") A lot of this scene reminded me of Adam Sandler talking to Dan Aykroyd and Sinbad in Coneheads (1993). Yes, Coneheads. You know, looking back on Coneheads, that movie had one of the more expansive comedic casts in history - I mean, everyone from Sandler to Drew Carey, Ellen DeGeneres, and even half the principal cast of Senfield. Re-watching that thing is ridiculous today. Anyway, back to Apu, he loves this country because he loves "...this land, where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want." Such is the American Dream.

There is also a nice bit of foreshadowing with the first appearance of Manjula in a flashback, who would reappear in "The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons" (S9;E7) to fulfill the arranged marriage to Apu first hinted at here. On the topic of marriage, this is also a notable episode which reveals that sometime before now, Selma added a marriage to Lionel Hutz in addition to Sideshow Bob and Troy McClure. I also really like the "Listen, shut up for a second" bit that Homer pulls on the phone with her.

The only last joke I'll comment on that I continually love is when Wiggum nails the sign into the boardwalk and falls through. Lou's nonchalant delivery of "Sign's floating away, chief" as Wiggum ostensibly sinks to the bottom of the habour is just brilliant.

So, Happy Flag Day! Happy America! We are in the throes of Summer now - so go out there and kick those extra points!

The Long Halloween Vol. IV - Simpsons Edition: Spring Break

Hello once again and welcome to The Long Halloween - Norwegian Morning Wood's year-long glance at the greatest television specials you may pair with each monthly Holiday. Now, we've already covered April, but considering that many of our young schoolchildren are on break this week, here's a little bonus for you: "Bart on the Road" (S7;E20) - the greatest Simpsons Spring Break episode of all time!

"I didn't think he'd do 'Moon River,' but then BAM - second encore!"

That may be overly specific. As far as Spring Break episodes go, Arrested Development offered
a nice one in "Spring Breakout" (S2;E17) that surely demonstrates a lot of the older Spring Break traditions - namely going to a sunny beach area, getting a nice day drink on, and screaming and cheering for everything that's even slightly awesome.

"Bart on the Road" doesn't deal with any of that, though - it's essentially a vacation road-trip episode that primarily features Bart driving Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson across the Upper South. Yeah, that is kind of strange. There are some fantastic moments along the way, though.

From the get go, the set-up is spectacular. Principal Skinner sends all the students to work with their parents because his travel agency ("Hell, Principal") misbook his flight to Hong Kong a day early. While Lisa visits Homer at the Nuclear Power Plant, Bart ends up with Patty and Selma at the DMV (because of course, homemaker isn't a real job...). His aunts deal with the typical yokels ("Hot damn! "No more sittin in the dirt at the drive-in!") and while there he makes a fake ID and voila - hijinks ensue. It's also nice to note that apparently, ID lamination takes 2-3 weeks.

What to do with a fake ID (which by the way, Bart still has in his possession by episode's end)? Bart and his friends (also by the way, it seems as if Nelson has become one of Bart's core buds at this point, though he's still a bit of a bully) go to a bar, but are a bit unenthused by Barney and the rest of the alcoholics. They also go to see a film that has neither nudity nor eating, but emblematic of the certain mysticism an R-rating gives to movies in the eyes of kids, even when they're not all that scandalous.

"Well, I don't think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they needed the extra bed"

They finally decide to rent a car and hit the road through the heartland of this great nation. Their route is actually kind of bizarre, but the kind of thing a kid would plan. Sure, they never do make it to Macon, GA, despite Nelson's strangely invested interest in the town. It's also the first of two references to Branson, MO for whatever reason, the second coming in "The Old Man and the Key" (S13;E13), which also features the popular Bronson, MO. After a stirring show by Andy Williams (Nelson is so weird here), they finally decide on journeying to Knoxville, TN to see the World's Fair and its fabulous Sunsphere.

Some of the best moments on the way involve Nelson hitting people like Milhouse ("He sure did.") and an irate father driving in the lane next to them ("ALRIGHT! BACK TO WINNIPEG!"). To be honest, one of the most impressive things about this episode is how good of a driver Bart is. Despite not understanding cruise control, he handles himself pretty fine without any major collisions or even any police interference. And that hitchhiker bit may be one of the better underrated anti-jokes in Simpsons history.

Of course, Milhouse got the idea to visit Knoxville after reading a guidebook from 1982, but that's besides the point. When they get there they find a kind of Gummo-Knoxville and a Sunsphere full of thousands of boxes of unsold wigs. Their car is crushed by the Sunsphere and Bart eventually becomes a courier (shepherding around things like eyes to Hong Kong and 500 Big Macs to Marlon Brando's island - jeez that latter joke may be the best of the episode). So, now back to Lisa:

Lisa spent her Spring Break hanging out with Homer at work after they had such a good time together on Skinner's fake "Take Your Child to Work Day." They pretended to use spacesuits ("This is much funner with a second person") and Lisa even revealed her crush on Langdon Alger, who sounds like just about the perfect Lisa boy. Lisa is suspicious of Bart's flimsy excuse for leaving (The National Grammar Rodeo in Canada), but doesn't put up too much of a stink. When Bart desperately calls Lisa, though, she has no choice but to tell Homer and get him to order a replacement command console for the Power Plant from Oakridge. She, however, swears him to secrecy because Bart made her promise not to tell anyone.

What a Spring Break for Marge...

What follows is one of the better Simpsons ending
s, where Homer and Lisa are cheesed off while Marge is just blissfully ignorant. She's so proud of her little Grammar Rodeo star. Later at night, every loose end in the episode is wrapped up to Marge's utter confusion and Homer's snickering ("No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong" "No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville" "No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam"). It's fantastic.

So, happy Spring Break, folks. Take a road trip to the border states, or maybe just hang out at home and learn about Owls.

Give a hoot - what are you doing for Spring Break?

The Long Halloween Vol. IV: Simpsons Edition - April Fool's Day

Here we are again folks - it's The Long Halloween - our year-long look at the greatest holiday television specials to get you in that special mood to celebrate an arbitrary occasion once a month. We began highlighting just anything, but we quickly ran out of stuff to talk about. This year we've focused on the one show that has enough episodes to cover just about every holiday out there - The Simpsons. Our pick for April is unconventional to say the least - it's an April Fool's Day episode, but it only really uses the holiday to frame a narrative around a clip show. It's a testament to the writing of the series, though, that even this throwaway clip show contains some really great original material in its tight story as well as a relevant and natural means of bringing up past footage.

The episode, of course, is "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show" (S4;E18). We don't often get clip shows anymore in mainstream series, and if we do, usually it's a clever spin on the template. The major rationale for the large amount of Simpsons clip shows in the earlier seasons were both to give the writers and animators a break as well as to cut production costs while FOX could sell it for the same price in syndication.

The episode remains my only real knowledge of how April Fool's Day was started, from pagans who were cheesed off at Christians on their new year (April 1). So naturally, this episode revolves around a few April Fool's Day pranks that eventually cause Homer to lapse into a coma. Homer duct tapes Bart's eyes shut, making him think he's blind, and then gives him some milk he had been keeping next to the furnace for six weeks. As revenge, Bart manipulates Homer into drinking a severely shaken up can of beer that causes the house to explode and Homer to lose the ability to walk. Homer eventually regains the ability to walk ("I've tried everything...") but falls into his coma after being crushed by a candy machine.

There is a surprising amount of new footage in this episode and it's all great. From subtle things like Leo Sayer records melting to other great jokes ("We're going to need pretzels, I repeat, pretzels") and even some sly movie references (Barney replicating the ending of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest [1975]). An underrated moment is when Homer is disappointed he won't be able to continue his life's work and Marge mutters with a perfect hint of sincerity and sarcasm, "Society's loss, I suppose." There's also a bizarre Mr. Burns moment where he bursts in and claims how much Homer has wronged him by asking for money (which Burns denied him).

As for the clips themselves, there is an incredibly smooth integration of earlier momen
ts into the story. Since the characters are essentially reminiscing about the life of Homer Simpson, it's a fairly natural set-up. The show also presents itself as very self-aware of how forced and hokey the whole thing is (Grandpa talking directly about how comas are similar to watching old clipshows on tv). There's also a nice reflection when Bart brings up a great episode of Itchy and Scracthy ("It was a good episode...of our lives").

There's other weird stuff here. A Treehouse of Horror clip made it in somehow, which kind of blurs the line of whether or not that episode was canon, but the flexible reality of The Simpsons allows that to slide. There's also an expanded bit of Homer's fall into the Springfield Gorge from "Bart the Daredevil" (S2;E7), which is still hilarious.

An interesting thought occurred to me while re-watching this: the kind of set-up for these clips almost foreshadows the familiar Family Guy set-up. A character starts saying "Remember that time when you..." and then the show cuts to a funny non-sequitur. The difference of course, is that even in a clipshow there's actually still some touching moments between Homer and his children. Repeatedly while Homer is in the coma, both Bart and Lisa genuinely reflect on how much he means to them. The episode of course ends with Homer losing 5% of his brain and choking Bart, though, which ties the whole thing together really well.

What do you think? Is this the greatest Clip Show of All Time?