12 May 2015

7 Terrible Characters We Want in Avengers 8

Avengers 8: Stupidity's Rainbow (2032) is just around the corner, and my guess is it's going to be tough for that flick to feature most of today's bright young cast of do-gooders. Hopefully not too much of a SPOILER, but the ENDING for Avengers: Age of Ultron (2012) shows an epic B-Team of Avengers that ought to feature pretty well for the next couple of flicks. But even that's not going to last forever. Marvel will need to keep churning this shit out, but dammit, once you get very far outside what Marvel has already announced, things look grim indeed. Then again, there was a time where Iron Man and Thor looked like heroes far too stupid to ever have multi-billion dollar trilogies strung around them. The Vision is a great start, because he's a terrible character that makes no sense, but why stop there? Let's go full-tilt towards the insane heroes and villains that need to be featured in terrible upcoming films. And yeah, this is way more in jest than normal posts around here, so with my tongue wedged firmly in cheek...

Wonder Man
yuck yuck yuck

Avengers comics are always terribly stupid, but they tend to get at the heart of what comics are all about, which is really outlandish serial storytelling - a battle between crazy dudes in spandex that will last for hundreds of years. When I think of those Classic Avengers C-Listers, my thoughts always turn to Scarlet Witch, Hawkeye, Vision, and Wonder Man. I don't know why that was always on my periphery, but there was always that weird dude with red eyes, a big W on his shirt and purple Kirby dots all around him. Just try to figure out that origin story, shit. He has ion-based powers, which any scientist will tell you, translates to flight, superhuman strength, and durability. He's one of many analogues to Superman in the Marvel world, like Sentry and Hyperion, but also like those dudes, he's never at the forefront of action or importance like Superman is all the time. To be fair, as a character, he's not the absolute worst Avenger you could pick for Avengers 8, but what's sad and insane is that he's probably the top tier dude we have left whose movie hasn't been announced yet. Which means he will DEFINITELY be in at least Avengers 6: Beta Ray Bill and Friends (2022).

Black Knight
Just a flesh wound!

Black Knight, you suck so much. This isn't the Monty Python version, or even the Martin Lawrence version. No this is a dude straight out of Arthurian Legend, which comics use because it's public domain and why the hell not. That's just it, though, he's a straight up descendant of a knight from the 6th-Century who uses a magical blade forged by Merlin to mess up peoples' days. Apparently, all of the original Knight's descendants never figured out that guns were invented, though, and he still has his swords and limited magic skills to fight cosmic evil. Listen, I don't even care about battling Thanos, this cat ain't even gonna stop the local bank robbers. They do need to add him to the cinematic Avengers team only so that Hawkeye finally looks like a competent hero.

Kang the Conqueror
Where we're going,
we don't need...roads.

Ultron and Loki really are classic Avengers villains in the sense that they have always been baddies more of the team than anyone specific, although Hank Pym and Thor are the obvious direct nemeses here. Not so with Kang the Conqueror, who defines himself by countering the entire Avengers as a unit. Honestly, with Ultron and Loki out of the way, who else is there for the Avengers to fight? Korvac? Less people know Korvac than even Kang. The Masters of Evil? That would actually be a sweet match-up. But the time-travelling douchebag Kang the Conqueror is easily the third-tier Chief Avengers baddie and if there is any film that drops after Infinity War (2018-19), it's got to be Kang. This is more to my point that as soon as they breach this current tier, these films are going to be terrible.

Demolition Man

Daredevil, meet Wolverine, and apparently no one has a problem with this. He will definitely be played by Sylvester Stallone and appear in three stand-alone films that first jump off from an end-credits scene in Infinity War. Listen, I had never even heard of this asshole until a few weeks ago I thought it was some weird mash-up, but there he is. Apparently he's just like, slightly strong and has a preponderance towards being brainwashed. Sounds like he'll fit right in with most of the MCU Avengers. And he has a beard now! Quick, someone call Zach Galifianakis or Brett Gelman!

Okay, maybe we can squeeze her in.

I didn't even realize that Mockingbird was actually already in Marvel's shared universe through Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., played by Adrianne Palicki. That's a solid demotion from Wonder Woman. I don't care, Mockingbird is still a terrible C-Lister who fights crime with goggles and little sticks whose ass could be kicked by Black Knight. But again, she's totally that go-to Avenger on a downsloping tier that no one wants or cares about. Where are the big Mockingbird fans that clamour for her great appearances? Who wants to see her beat up aliens with sticks? The thing is, she would actually kick a ton of ass if she was fighting in Sokovia. Thank goodness for movie dumbness.

Fin Fang Foom
Toho were innovators
for keeping pants off

Hell yeah, giant dragon monster man! Why not turn the next Avengers movie into a Godzilla movie? This is something they have to push after the Kang movie fails and they need a radical new direction. There's barely any way for Fin Fang Foom to work in Marvel's cinematic world, but hopefully with more Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)-type nonsense and the promise of nerdy Infinity Gems to come, the universe will get dumber and dumber until it matches that glorious comic book world where anything can happen. Seriously, comic book worlds are insane because you have gods, ancient knights, aliens, magicians, super-tech people, and Beta Ray Bill all fighting each other. For some reason that all looks stupid when you put it in a movie. I'm convinced Fin Fang Foom is coming, and when he does, damn will it suck. It will suck so bad. I hope and pray. And they better stick to his original design which is "Let's make a badass dragon with a retarded face and purple shorts." I love you, Marvel.

Should I be this
turned on right
now? No, right?

Furry cat Avenger! Tigra is the last of the really shitty C-listers before we get into the super obscure characters. That is, the "I had to look them up in this list" characters. As for Tigra's origins, I had to look it up, because I have no idea what Tigra's fucking origin was, and I found it was even better than I could imagine. Cat People! Yes! Finally! See how easy it was when you had X-Men and you could just go "mutant!" for whatever insane, stupid, or awesome power you could come up with? Tigra is like the chick version of Beast, or better yet, the cat version of Wolfsbane, but they had to make her origin so much more insane. They need to make a full on movie with that origin intact exactly. OMG and she has both a Cat Soul and a Human Soul and carried Skrull-Hank Pym's son who is biologically human having been born of both Skrull and Cat Person. Comics...comics, I love you.

There are two other characters who I failed to mention here, even though they're basically at this level of shitty-Avengers-ness. Those would be the Wasp and She-Hulk because I'd actually legit like to see them on screen and they aren't truly terrible. Janet Van Dyne is a fairly insignificant part of Avengers history. She was only a founding member who have the team its name. Nothing worth appearing in a movie over. Apparently her daughter, Hope Van Dyne is the one Evangeline Lilly is playing in Ant-Man (2015), which is disappointing, but I'll take the surrogate. Through Lilly in a costume and shrink her down for Infinity War for goodness sake. It makes as much sense as the fucking Vision.

And then She-Hulk. Oh, She-Hulk. She-Hulk is spectacular because they found a decent way to make a Hulk distaff counterpart with her own personality, goals, interests, and conflicts that are distinct from Bruce Banner. Has Jennifer Walters appeared opposite Matt Murdock on Daredevil yet? Enough of the lack of females in Avengers films already or complaining that all the best ladies in Marvel are X-Men (undeniably true, actually). Give me Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, Captain Marvel, then throw in Mockingbird, Tigra, Wasp, and She-Hulk for good measure. Actually look at that, we totally have a perfect female Avengers team. Captain Marvel for Thor, Mockingbird for Hawkeye, She-Hulk for...Hulk. Wasp and Tigra don't match up great with Cap and Thor, but who cares, it's something new.

This post went in some weird directions, but what do you think? Once we burn off Black Panther and Dr. Strange, this is it, people. Are you pumped for the Wonder Man movie? Or is it best that we all go home and cry and reek the day we ever gave Iron Man (2008) so much money that we'd find ourselves down this road? I do want to revisit this post in 2032 and see if any of this shit came true. How about you, future readers on holo-watches?!

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