08 September 2015

The Summer Crown is Here! The Official Summer 2015 Jam Champions! Jampions!

I actually can't believe I've never used the word "Jampion" before. This is it, folks - the moment we've waited for for eighteen long bright sunny awesome weeks - the Annunciation of the Summer Throne. These are the tracks that we'll always remember 2015 by, and let me tell you, they're not that great. Are these immortal songs that we'll be totally rocking out to ten years gone? No. Were they hot this year? You better believe the answer is "Yeah, I guess that was okay." If you haven't gotten the impression yet, I'm of the thought that this year was a little off. I don't even totally agree with the song that I've named as THE Jam of 2015. But hey, dems the breaks. Let's first round-up the last few Jampions since I started paying attention to this nonsense:

2007: Rihanna's "Umberella"
2008: Leona Lewis' "Bleeding in Love"
2009: The Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling"
2010: Katy Perry's "California Gurls"
2011: LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem"
2012: Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe"
2013: Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines"
2014: Iggy Azalea's "Fancy"

That is some deep company for whoever joins. As you can tell, some of these songs we have adored for years on, headbanging to the immortal Jam of Summer Nostalgia. Actually I'm not sure that's true for any of these. Is this all just a meaningless exercise in fruitless futility? Is it just Pop Culture Masturbation - a preoccupation with ephemeral artifacts signifying nothing of true meaning in our lives? Probably, but life isn't so great as to do anything otherwise.

At one point or another we talked about fifty-seven songs this summer, which is a ridiculous number. So think of the winner as a true 1 in 57! So, before we dig into the Final Supreme Top Eight, let's quickly run down some of 2015's Also-Rans:

"Cool for the Summer" by Demi Lovato
"Lean On" by Major Lazer
"Cheerleader" by OMI
"Good for You" by Selena Gomez
"Hey Mama" by David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj
"Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
"Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap
"Renegades" by X Ambassadors
"Marvin Gaye" by Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor
"Somebody" by Natalie La Rose
"Post To Be" by Omarion ft. Jhene Aiko & Chris Brown

Alright, time to get into the real hot shit:

Best Stay in Bed: "Talking Body" by Tove Lo



Weeks on the Jam List: 6 (05/11 - 06/08, 07/06)
Peak: #1 on 05/18

Even thought "Gotta eat the booty like groceries" from "Post To Be" is clearly the best line of the summer, "Talking Body" probably has #2-5. Tove Lo's sophomore jam was mostly a holdover from the Spring that still did pretty damn solid Summer business. It's steeped in an ironic party girl mantra that's equal parts sultry and assertive while also being a genuine head bopper. I can still listen to this jam all day, and that's a good thing.

Summer Tears: "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth



Weeks: 5 (05/11 - 06/01, 07/06)
Peak: #1 on 05/25 and 07/06

Is there anyone who can now hear that first riff without feeling a little well of tears? One of the hugest songs of the year to pair with one of the biggest films of the year (for some reason I don't think "I'm in Love with a Monster" will surpass it...), it's also totally the saddest Summer Jam Ever. This ruled the charts for most of the earlier Summer Months, but it burned off a lot of its hotness in April when it dropped upon ears that will never be the same again. It says a lot for its staying power that it did turn itself into a notable Summer Jam on its own right.

So Much: "Worth It" by Fifth Harmony ft. Kid Ink



Weeks: 6 (05/11, 06/08, 07/13, 07/27 - 08/03, 08/31)
Peak: #1 on 08/03

Probably the worst song on this wrap-up, "Worth It" somehow just never went away this Summer. It's one of no other songs to be feature on the premiere week of the Countdown along with the penultimate week. With appearances on the List in May, June, July, and August, it's no slouch at all. This is all relatively unbelievable, and while it certainly peaked around the July/August crossover, it also had periods where it seemed to fade away from our consciousness. Can Fifth Harmony cross over and become one of our Greatest Pop Bands ever? No, not a chance. I still cant' tell any of them apart after listening to this all Summer.

Hillbilly Love Jams: "Honey, I'm Good" by Andy Grammer



Weeks: 6 (05/18 - 06/22)
Peak: #1 on 06/15 - 06/22

Andy Grammer's bizarre cornfed pop tribute to monogamy was a Huge Jam this Summer, mostly by way of its extreme distinctiveness, to the point of novelty, along with its sublime catchiness. It's so damn summery, with a peppy uplifting beat and an extremely positive message that works pretty well in spite of any corniness that could be attributed to its doe-eyed thematic material. I probably actually ignored this Jam's run longer that I should have as well, although I think it finished high enough to make everyone happy here.

Numb Jams: "Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd



Weeks: 7 (07/27 - 09/07)
Peak: #1 on 08/10 and 08/31

"Can't Feel My Face" ruled over the back half of Summer, appearing on the last seven consecutive Jam Lists, and could probably be on the 09/14 List if it existed. It's got a lot of life left in it, and The Weeknd is all but assured to be a huge pop star, if he's interested. You kind of get the vibe that he doesn't give a shit, which of course makes him more appealing. His voice, and even some of his fiery dance moves are totally Michael Jackson-esque and there's certainly a possibility of a bright future. You know, as long as he cuts down on the pedophilia. I'm sure he'll be alright.

All Eyes Over Here: "Watch Me" by Silentó



Weeks: 11 (06/15, 07/06 - 09/07)
Peak: #1 on 08/17 - 08/24

I guess it was kind of lost on me that this spent TEN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS on the Summer Jam List, which is crazy. It was always a presence, though, and not exactly dominating, until very late in its run. It was still the Dance Jam of Summer 2015, and by August, every white person ever knew how to Stanky Leg. Take that or leave it, but High School Senior Silentó clearly had a better Summer than any of us. He will never have another hit jam. Ever. Enjoy this novelty jam while you can!

Robbed? "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar



Weeks: 11 (05/25, 06/08 - 07/25, 08/24 - 08/31)
Peak: #1 on 06/29, 07/20 - 07/27

I feel full of regret already that this didn't become the Summer Jam of 2015. Look at these stats - eight consecutive weeks on the Jam List, three number one spots in the Heart of Summer, appearances in every month but September, it's astonishing. There's also no other music video that caused more buzz or cultural waves this Summer. The pairing of Tay Sway and Kendrick is perhaps the hottest mish-mash of current musical icons, and both had huge albums and singles drop within the past year. I may have to retroactively adjust this in years to come, but the stats just don't lie for our number one song, even if I do sort of think that longevity and diversity in Summer Jam List appearances may be worth a little more than pure numbers But without further adieu...

#1 Stunna: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon



Weeks: 10 (05/11 - 07/13)
Peak: #1 on 05/11, 06/01 - 06/08, 07/13

"Shut Up and Dance" wins from dominating the early half of Summer, and even though its ten weeks are less than both "Watch Me" and "Bad Blood," it was far more potent. Never in its history did it drop below the third place spot, and it did that only once. It's a fairly mind-blowing achievement, but it was also achieved in a vacuum before many other Jams dropped this Summer. All in all, it was a slow start to the Season, and if you remember, even "Bad Blood" didn't really catch on with significant airplay when it first dropped.

All this bitching is taking away from "Shut up and Dance," which is totally a legit fun song that I predicted early on would take the Gold Crown. It's danceable, singable, and cruisable, which really does make for an excellent Summer Jam. Doesn't the pit of your stomach scream "Bad Blood" tho?

What do you think? Have we made a serious error? Is 2015 if the Immortal Summer of "Bad Blood"? Will this mirred controversy signify the end of Norwegian Morning Wood's Summer Jam List Week Counts? Should we reanalyze our methods to include more cultural chatter and less radiotime? Can we acknowledge the breadth of traditional media death in favor of more relevant metrics such as YouTube and Spotify plays? Does any of this matter since this, as mentioned before, is an exercise in masturbation devoid of meaning beyond a quick fix - a fleeting high only as good as the next irreverent Pop Jam to replace it? THE #1 SPOT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MACKLEMORE'S DOWNTOWN!



G'nite everybody!

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