05 August 2019

Summer Jam 2019 Week 13: Thirteen Weeks of Pain!

In the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth month of the thirteenth week of Summer we have...almost nothing new for you! That's right folks, if it's the same old crap you've been craving, you've come to the right Internet Website. The contenders have fully canonized and we have nothing new. So sit back and enjoy your jams one last time! For the next four weeks also.

Hot Jam of the Week: "100 Bad Days" by AJR

I don't know what AJR is, but they give me a Jon Bellion vibe, which is apparently totally a thing. I actually thought this was some track featuring Jon Bellion at first. Oof. Anyway, it's a fun song with kind of lonesome but ironically optimistic lyrics. It's been out for a minute, but I hadn't heard it until this week and it seems to be getting more airplay. Good enough to be Hot Jam for me! Let it drip down that mouth.

"Sweet but Pyscho" by Ava Max

Still here! I feel like I was saying this jam was old back in May. Still here. I still dig it. It's had a bit too many weeks where it barely broke in, but maybe a little upsurge here. At least points for longevity. We give no points for longevity. Still here, still this song definitively will remind me of Summer 2019 - and that's the whole point!

"Talk" by Khalid

This is back again. I flip-flop with this jam a lot. Do I like it? Does it suck? I don't know. It's okay I guess. I wouldn't totally listen to it if I didn't write this column every week for some reason. Khalid is doubtless talented, though, and this Jam has creeped up on this Summer like a puma on a mountain goat. It's got clout by now. It's not quite spent yet, either.

"Bad Guy" by Billie Eilish

Also back from the nearly dead - I just heard this a lot this week. It's starting to earn some memes. We should talk more about how halfway it just decides to become a completely different song. It's fun and Billie is clearly insane, which makes her all the more popular with the kids. It's good and really deserved a summer that didn't have "Old Town Road" dominating everything.

"Senorita" by Shawn and Camila

This song still feels sexy, fun, and fresh, and I'm still hearing it, but I also think it's time is up soon. It feels like it's cresting a wave. I will probably eat my words. It feels like a default on this list, but it may not actually have that much Jam left in it. Still, I do still enjoy it. I could just get up and dance around. Let's dance, baby.

"Truth Hurts" by Lizzo

Same with this track. It still has the best intro of any Song of 2019 and I still get excited whenever it comes on the radio. That's the word of the day - still. All these songs are STILL good. Nothing new to be new good. Just a bunch of still goods. It's kind of a waiting game to see how the rest of this summer shakes out and what late-breaking August Jams we'll get. It doesn't really matter at this point, though. We know our winner.

"Never Really Over" by Katy Perry

Katy FINALLY gets on the Winners List! And at the #2 spot no less! Yes, I caved and gave it a spot, but it earned it this week after two months of neglect. It just felt like it was much more of a thing this week. Maybe it's finally earwormed into my subconscious. Does anyone know who she's pining over in this jam? I do not follow her personal life. This also makes me think of "No One's Ever Really Gone" all the time. And Midsommar (2019) vibes. There. I made every joke I wanted to this summer.

"Old Town Road" by Lil Nas X

Hahhaha! Listen, what do you want from me? Not only did I hear this a ton, but I read a bunch of articles, and just had "Wrangler on my booty" stuck in my head all week. It's the Summer's champion in one of the most dominating performances of all time. Sure, we have four more weeks to play, but fuck I don't know how anyone else can do it. I threw in the "Seoul Town Road" above because I literally heard that version on the radio for some reason. It's amazing. Yeehaw.

Next week...

Both "The London" and "Money in the Grave" were near-misses this week. I left out "I Don't Care" and "Hey Look Ma, I made it!" and "High Hopes" because all those songs are really, really annoying. They also just didn't seem to capture the moment this week. I love how Lil Nas X can't sing. He's really just good at TikTok. See you next week!

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