28 March 2022

2022 Oscar Results! And Nothing Crazy Happened!

I'm lying, something really crazy did happen. Power of the Dog (2021) only had one win, for best director! This is surely controversial. Sam Elliot has a lot of sway in Hollywood, I guess. Such a shame that otherwise the ceremony was just trite and boring.

Yeah, okay, we know what happened. Everyone has a take and it's all pretty obvious. To me, I'm glad he got his Oscar because Will's not going to work again. Or he will because Hollywood is crazy, and seems to be mostly on his side for some reason. But this is the kind of thing you remember for a long time, which is bonkers because Will Smith has sooo many things that are worth remembering. So, let's talk much more about this throughout this whole article, but let's get into our all-time stats:

2021: 12/23
2020: 13/24 
2019: 13/24 
2018: 16/24 
2017: 13/24 
2016: 14/24 
2015: 13/24 
2014: 20/24 
2013: 14/24 
2012: 16/24 
2011: 14/24 
2010: 12/24

I'm really so bad at this. Anyway, let's do it.

Best Picture:

I'm realizing I forgot to make a prediction for this. It was DOG in my head. CODA ended up winning. CODA was surging a bit towards the end, but honestly I didn't think it would upset Power of the Dog, which I guess everyone actually just Sam Ellioted, so whatever.


Best Director:

Prediction: Campion
I got this one!



I said Garfield, Smith was the front-runner but I just didn't trust it. I fumbled perhaps the most obvious category, but if Garfield had one I would have looked like a genius. Now I look like...a dumbass. I just feel like Tom Cruise is going to make a movie where he stars as John McEnroe's dad to get his Oscar, finally. And Will's presence throughout the ceremony and speech were totally normal.



Kirsten Stewart did not win this. I'm happy for Chastain, I didn't pay much attention to her, but looking back, this does feel like an acknowledgment of an impressive body of work, mostly Dark Phoenix (2019). I don't know. The Academy always awards folks like this unless it doesn't.


 Supporting Actor:

At the time Smit-McPhee, of Dark Phoenix fame seemed like the unstoppable lock. In the past few weeks this turned into all-Kotsur. Clearly, CODA struck the chord I thought Dog would. Fuck this, I'm just making my predictions the week of next year.


Supporting Actress:

No real question, DeBose got this, well deserved and very exciting.


Adapted Screenplay:

Just read my words. "This could go to CODA but I think Campion goes all in." Half of that was true. The Academy just clearly ended up loving this movie. Also Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.


Original Screenplay:

Even leading up to this I thought this would go to Pizza. What's a boy got to do? I have no real interest in Belfast (2021) if Jamie Dornan doesn't sing about how his heart is torn between an Albino and midwesterner played by the same actress while running through the sand and climbing a palm tree like a cat who's decided to climb up a palm tree.


Animated Film:

I still haven't seen Encanto (2021) but I want to! Does that count? I actually read the wind on this one.


Animated Short Film:

Always a crap shoot, but I did say Wiper would be in the top three. I mean, whatever. As long as it kept Will Smith's wife's name out of its fucking mouth.



I didn't really buy that this should be Cruella (2021) but all the pundits were unanimous, and imagine that, I listen to people and get a category right.


Short Film:

Suck it. Got this one. "Long Goodbye"



DUNE (2021). Okay, here come all the technical awards that DUNE won, which will generally save me, except for one which I doubted. Well-earned, it was a great score.



I still want two categories. But what I want more is more obvious DUNE wins to salvage my terrible night. Almost as terrible as Chris Rock's left cheek.



I deviated from the DUNE and got punished. I was clearly in on Doggy and got bit for it. That bite like the Philadelphia cream cheese running off Chris Rock's face. Oh boy.



Listen, I didn't actually watch the ceremony. What the hell was ?uestlove's acceptance speech like. Just stunned audience at this point? It's just mind-blowing. What does Ricky Gervais thnk?


Doc Short Subject:

This went to "Queen of Basketball" which fits in with Kobe Bryant's win a while back instead of Benazir, which sounds probably sad. I mean, alopecia isn't even fatal.



Thanks, DUNE.


French Film:

This was a pretty clear lock as well. It kind of goes without saying, although Worst Person in the World (2021) could have swept in. I need to watch Drive My Car (2021) on HBOMax and you should, too!


Makeup and Hairstyling:

WHATEVER. I know. I know. I just couldn't fall in line and go with Tammy Faye. This was just some black hole for me, I knew nothing about it. I blame Hillbilly Elegy (2020) which got me off the "make-up makes the movie a lock" vote. You know who doesn't need hairstyling?


Original Song:

Stan Sitwell. I don't want to talk about losing this category, but I'm glad Billie Eilish is an Oscar Winner.


Production Design:

Thanks, DUNE


Visual Effects:

You complete me, DUNE


Well, I feel like a real Peacock. Same score as last year. Meh, looking back, I probably should have gotten four more right, the obvious locks for Actor, Supporting Actor, Makeup, and Song. I misread the lack of power for Power of the Dog and it bit me, losing a lot to CODA.

Also, we all know that Will Smith is insane, right? Like, just watch After Earth (2013). Or better yet, Winter's Tale (2014). That's right. We remember you in Winter's Tale. First of all, Chris Rock's joke was certainly tasteless. They're allowed to both be wrong. But like, no one would remember that joke tomorrow. Ya'll remembering this on stage assault during one of the most watched live programs we have left. This just feels like the culmination of cancel culture - we need to find the zone between genuinely caring about each other and creating jokes that don't personally offend, but also being able to laugh at ourselves and not freak out over things that we could probably just move on from and aren't a big deal in the long run.

I don't know. I at least like that song by The Anxiety.

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