The Road to a Blockbuster: On the Road to Tomorrow! And Ghosts!

Well it's been a damn exciting Summer Blockbuster season, already! Although to be honest, looking at the upcoming schedule (HERE!), how many movies left are you really pumped up about? I have a nominal interest in Jurassic World (2015), although my enthusiasm actually dropped after stumbling upon this the other day and finding myself agreeing with a lot of random points that found themselves targeting that film in particular, probably because the original was such a paradigm for the genre.

But that's really a conversation to have a few weeks from now. Is there anything else that has really captured our attention this summer? I want to say that we blew our load pretty early with Age of Ultron (2015) and Fury Road (2015), and the combination of both have heartedly taken over our conversational zeitgeist the past few weeks. I would say I'm looking forward to the August 14th double dip of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015) and Straight Outta Compton (2015), and that's about it. And Dope (2015). I may be the only one June 12 buying a ticket for Dope while everyone else watches Dinosaurs eat people. I'm like 28 or 29 or something and I think I've finally hit that jaded age where I just don't give a shit about big dumb sequels anymore. I do care about big smart sequels, hence my love for Fury Road, but everything else could crash and burn for all I care. So, on this week's big tentpole release, Tomorrowland (2015). Oh, and Poltergeist (2015) comes out this weekend, too? Damn these movies have done a terrible job of promoting themselves. Well, here we go.

"DON'T LET GO, MURPH!!!!"

This is going to be a fun preview because I know absolutely nothing about Tomorrowland. I know that I liked the first teaser, haven't really seen the full trailer, and maybe George Clooney is in it? That is literally what I started with when writing this post. So let's discover whatever this movie is together in an attempt to assuage its cultural, commercial, and critical potential.

Let's back up and go forward a little bit because the latter two bits of my criteria are easy to judge. Critically this film has already done pretty well, at least in the sense of it just being not shitty. 60% RT. That's well within the realm of being..."at least not completely shitty." It has branded itself as being a hopeful epic movie with strong intellectual appeal, which could actually work against it if the intellectual elite it's pandering towards reject it for being not great. But let's talk about its commercial potential, which is a tricky subject and goes along with the same idea here.

I frankly wouldn't be surprised if this debuted in fourth place this weekend. Actually, there's no way that will happen. I think it can at least beat Ultron in its fourth week. But I imagine that Fury Road rides the strength of its reviews and word of mouth to hold pretty steady, and even a stiff decline of Pitch Perfect 2 (2015) will be a tall order to beat. Okay, so figuring if both of those pull in around $30 million I guess expectations for Tomorrowland need to be higher than that. Right? Okay, let's say it wins. It won't be by too much.

Now, I hate this prospect, because if we're looking at wholly original action blockbusters this summer you've got this, San Andreas (2015), and Pixels (2015), and that last one is a rough stretch. Tomorrowland is our only option for new innovative material at the Box Office. We've actually had a lot of original blockbuster films recently, but the problem is, they've all been terrible. We're talking films like Oblivion (2013), After Earth (2013), Elysium (2013), and Edge of Tomorrow (2014). Now, those two Tom Cruise vehicles are probably the best of the lot, and I didn't dislike either but neither really lit up the Box Office enough to encourage studios to invest in anything other than shared world comic book adaptations. I have more the feeling that Tomorrowland will settle into this vein of film than anything else. Quick - name any character from Oblivion. Even Tom Cruise's character. Who did Morgan Freeman play? You had completely forgotten Morgan Freeman was even in that movie, didn't you? But I bet you know who is playing Dr. Strange in a few years.

This isn't meant to bemoan either superhero movies or to grouchily yell from my porch that "they just don't make 'em like they used to, dagnabit!" but I am concerned with cultural ramifications, as always. There is something to be said for the big movies of old that succeeded merely on their own  merit as movies. We still talk about Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) and Die Hard (1988) because they're great movies. To some extent, they needed to be, although this certainly wasn't the original intention, in order to establish themselves in our culture. We don't really remember terrible movies from that era. No one is clamouring for remakes of Dark Star (1974) or The Stuff (1985). Where is our modern adaptation of From Beyond (1986)? Original movies aren't good movies and comic book movies aren't good movies; good movies are good movies. And I'd certainly like to see more of them. If an original movie's method to worm its way into our cultural heritage is to be good, then I'm all for it. I think the disconnect is also because comic book movies don't really add anything new to our cumulative culture. We already have Captain America. We've had him for like seventy years. I want whatever new characters introduced in Tomorrowland to join that great pantheon.

Of course, Tomorrowland isn't wholly new. It's based on a Disneyland ride. Or park section. Or just borrowed the name. I don't know. I think it's the latter. It's also directed by Brad Bird, who seems to really fail at making bad movies, although his animated work has been superior to his one live action attempt, Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011), but that's tough to judge someone on, considering the Tom Cruise factor. And I don't have much against Ghost Protocol, it was an extremely fun movie with that one stunt (I shouldn't even have to name it but that moment when Cruise scales the Wiz Burj Khalifa) echoing in memory even if the cast and plot don't really do the same.

I ought to mention that any excitement I have for director Brad Bird is tempered by writer Damon Lindelof. It's not that he's a terrible writer, and I actually liked the two greatest fanboy ires he's created - LOST and its somewhat infamous conclusion and Prometheus (2012). His purposeful obfuscation of answers works better for the former than the latter, though, and even though I understand what he's trying to do, it's still kind of awful for cinematic narrative form. Fury Road didn't give much answers or background but it still bent to its own internal logic, instead of explaining away incongruities with a blanket level of mystery. At this point I am just fearful of anything Lindelof cranks out because you never know when it's going to walk that fine line between awe-inspiring and dream-crushing.

Even though this feels like a lot of good going for it, I just don't feel like anyone is talking about Tomorrowland. At all. It is a complete ghost in our cultural zeitgeist. It's a non-factor. Everyone's lives will move on without seeing this movie. A dozen articles dissecting it aren't going to be written on Monday morning. No one cares. Maybe if the film is good it can snuggle up to us a few years down the line when things are a little less crowded, but in the pure cultural capitalism that is our lives, it just can't fight to the top.

What's actually creepy is that there are
 like four right hands in a row there.

And then there's also Poltergeist this weekend. I honestly didn't even know this movie existed until a few months ago. It felt like one of those films that was in development hell for years and years and then feels like a bit of a "who gives a shit" moment when it's actually here. The original Poltergeist (1982) was pretty popular as a mainstream horror film and I think you'll find a lot of my gripings from a few paragraphs up to hold true here.

This may not be the best judge of how much a studio is investing in its film, because it can be edited by anyone, but I think that checking out a film's Wikipedia page a few days before its release should give plenty of info to get you pumped up. And as far as Poltergeist goes, either the studio doesn't care, fans don't care, or no one knows that it'd be worthwhile to create some kind of mythos around this film if it's going to stand out and be a champion among everyone else. Check out how much more in-depth Mad Max: Fury Road is. And finally, let's go nuts for Age of Ultron. It's not just the breadth of the articles - Ultron has 256 citations. 256! Max has 93 and Poltergeist has...14.

That's a tough metric to judge a film on but I'm going to do it anyway. It's clear indication of how much enthusiasm people have for these properties, and perhaps it's unfair to compare Poltergeist to these big boy movies, but it's also unfair to give it a Memorial Day release date where you know it's going to fight for fourth or fifth place. It was originally set to launch in February, and you've got to think that would have been a better date. It could have at least gotten some press about it winning its weekend. Or coming in second to Fifty Shades of Grey (2015). You know that the 20th Century Fox studio head was just eyeing the success of The Conjuring (2013) and The Purge: Anarchy (2014) and just wanted to drop a horror movie in summer and hope for the best. This flick is going to get buried.

So I hope I talked about Tomorrowland and Poltergeist somewhere in there. I don't have high hopes in any regard for either of these properties this weekend. We're just waiting for Jurassic World at this point and the Internet is obsessed with Fury Road. Like me!

What do you think about the prospects of these films? What hope have ye? Leave a comment down there.

The Road to a Blockbuster: Star Dark - Trek to the Moon

Welcome once again folks to that Oldest of Norwegian Morning Wood Summer Friday Traditions, the Road to a Blockbuster. In anticipation of each big Summer Movie, we're taking account of each films' potential for critical, commercial, and most importantly, cultural success. We are ever-vigilant for those big crazy movies that will really resonate - the ones we'll abandon our families to watch on Netflix months from now, and the ones that years from now we'll look back on most fondly and think "Hey...that was alright."

Shocked because he was upstaged in the marketing material...

Today we see the release of the latest (and possibly lastest) installment in the J.J. Abrams Star Trek universe, Star Trek Into Darkness (2013). This is a film so bold as to actually convert what was previously a noun in its title...to a verb. Holy shit. It all makes for a fairly stupid title that once again finagles a variation of the word "dark" into the title in order to appear edgy, I guess. Thus it follows a long tradition of blockbusters such as The Dark Knight (2008), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), and the upcoming Thor: The Dark World (2013), as well as smaller, dumber movies that I'm sure you forgot, such as The Darkest Hour (2011) and Dark Skies (2013). Needless to say, Dark IS cool (all of these blockbusters have so far performed excellently), but enough is enough. I can't really say that Star Trek Into an Area Obscured from Light would have been more effective, but it's still getting to be a fairly standard cliché in big movie making.

Four years back Star Trek (2009) arrived hot off the hands of LOST and Cloverfield (2008) whizzmaster J.J. Abrams, even though he hadn't really been heavily involved in LOST since its first season and was only a producer on Cloverfield. He also had a hand in creating the shows Felicity and Alias, as well as the screenplay for Armageddon (1998). Yes, that Armageddon. The only feature he had actually directed prior to taking on the most revered of all Nerd Franchises was Mission: Impossible III (2006), which was notable for actually not sucking, despite the hate on Tom Cruise associated with it at the time of its premiere. In general, I never never been tremendously impressed with J.J. Abrams as a visionary or even an auteur director, but his films do tend to be bold, clever, interesting, and competent - which places them on a pedestal far above many other Tentpole Offerings. So this is the guy going into Star Trek.

Star Trek has somehow been around for nearly 50 years, with 82-year old Shatner somehow still showing up everywhere, from Priceline commercials (that seem to have a strange ongoing story line with his daughter going on recently, you notice that?) to Jimmy Kimmel and reliving Gorn fights. But Shatner isn't quite the only thing Star Trek gave us. There's that Beastie Boys video.

But seriously, Star Trek has waddled between pulp intellectual property and big time action fest throughout its entire lifetime. The ethos of the show has always been that of discovery, intrigue, and exploration, while the films have trended more towards shit blowing up. While there have always been lulls, notably in the early-to-mid 1970s after the original series ended but before Star Wars (1977) turned everyone on to Blockbuster Sci-Fi, and in the early 2000s when Nemesis (2002) reminded everyone that a Trek movie that didn't involve Khan or a Whale was really awful.

Still, it has always been a niche property. Moreso than the broad adventure appeal of Star Wars, Trek had higher sensibilities. Gene Roddenberry was always attempting to comment on something; whether it be race relations, coming to terms with death and dying, or the need to be ever-vigilant when you see a bearded double, there was a lot going on here. This has caused it in general to be less accessible than its Wars counterpart, and a tougher sell to dumb kids who just want to see Chewie bang Leia once and for all. It found its way towards the more obscure end of the Geek Spectrum, and there it sat until a man named Abrams came along.

Star Trek, the 2009 movie, was an epic step towards the mainstream for the storied franchise. J.J., in his own words, Star Wars-ized the basic concept, moving away from a rigorous chess match and towards a big smashing of ships and monsters. It was a virtual success on all fronts - critics, consumers, and nerds alike were enthralled with the excellent cast and direction, as well as a story so bold as to push Spock and Uhura into doing it. And blowing up Vulcan. It existed as a perfect, time-travel-fueled excuse for a remake that allowed its creators to make a new universe while setting it in the same universe. Kind of. It worked on every level.

Oooh look! A lens flare!

Star Journey into Blackness seems to take the same loveable characters, who we've had the chance now to really sit with for years and enjoy on F/X broadcasts and other stuff like Unstoppable (2010) and Dredd (2012), and really fucks their day up. The star is clearly Benedict Cumberbatch, who is about to have a career like Mark Strong a few years back, playing the villain in every damn movie out there and doing a hell of a job. For those of you who forgot, Mark nailed it as the chief baddie in Sherlock Holmes (2009), Kick-Ass (2010), Robin Hood (2010), Green Lantern (2011), and John Carter (2012). Actually....damn he was in some terrible movies. After this weekend, Benedict will play both villains in the upcoming Hobbit: Unexpected Crack Party (2013), and is sure to hit leading man status.

Unless of course it turns out that Cumberbatch's character is actually just a drunken British actor pawn for some dude who can breathe fire. If only. Nah, he's probably Khan. Although, by all accounts he doesn't seem to fit the Ricardo Montalban superphysique supervillain. We'll just have to see tonight.

So what are the chances this becomes a cultural landmark? I'd say pretty damn good - it's poster already has its share of parodies, and with the Abrams trademark "fuck everything" approach to story, there ought to be some great narrative decisions in this to keep things interesting. It'll make a ton of money, although competition this summer is rough. Being sandwiched between Iron Man 3 (2013) and the Fast Six / Hangover III (2013) two-punch next weekend is not an enviable position. To really stick in our memory, this one ought to do something pretty damn crazy.

Live long and prosper, bitches.

Will you trek into darkness tonight?

Hey! There's New TV on Right Now!

It's about time folks, after quite a drought in one of the busiest months on record, it's time we chat about the 2012-2013 Television Season. As I figure it, we only have about two months left until the Mayans destroy the world anyway, likely with a Giant Moon Laser of Some Kind, but that really depends on how you translate their ancient text.

So we have plenty of new shows to dig our eyes into this year. None of them look particularly good, but we can at any rate enjoy our last season of Community in peace. Probably. Let's blend this into three big categories:

Huge Overarching Drama Crap:

I still can't quite figure out why Networks are still going after this stuff. There's plenty more LOST-type shows that will cost producers millions of dollars when they go down in flames. It's the idea that Television must offer something that movies can't - a longstanding serial that provides for intricate character moments as well as a much larger set of DVDs for later purchase. It almost seems at some point that these kinds of "Big" TV Shows (and every HBO show) is more made for the DVD life than the TV life, its time in broadcast is more to peak interest and legitimize the format. Any serial that went straight to DVD would be ignored, but it provides the kind of lazy marathon watchability often required for deep readings.

I mean, honestly, they even ripped off the fucking Heroes logo

Not all of these are LOSTy, some are more ripping off the kinds of Homeland-type shows that have sprung up recently (and won a ton of Emmys while going at it). This year you've got Revolution and 666 Park Avenue which both promise weird intrigue throughout. The former has J.J.'s name slapped on it, which is becoming ubiquitous enough to lose both the specialness and fresh style he brought to projects like Mission Impossible III (2006) and Star Trek (2009). 666 Park Avenue stars Locke as Satan and the hot chick from Transformers (2007) (no, the other one) along with a big dose of who give a shib.

Moving on from that we've got things like Last Resort and Vegas, which seem innocuous at best, even if Last Resort is trying superhard not to be. I get why Last Resort is controversial, because it features crises of conscious in the American Military Complex, but the marketing hasn't actually shown us why we should care (or even shown us what the plot is - I had to Wikipedia that shib).

Offbeat Doctor Shows:

There are three new Medical Programs this year, all of which aren't really that typical. The first is Fox's The Mob Doctor, which features that hot chick from The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009). Great get, Fox. The same network has The Mindy Project, which for some reason hasn't caught my interest at all despite liking everything that Mindy Kaling has done. I'm most curious about how Bill Hader does playing a normal character on this show, the dude is on his way to becoming a classic comedic character actor - is this where his actual career takes off or grinds to a halt?

Finally, and finally, not least of all we've got Monkey Doctor. Oh, sorry, I mean Animal Practice. Monkey Doctor has a premise so insane it really belongs in Sarah Marshall's oeuvre. Seriously, I mean, they're parodying NBC's terrible desperation for gimmicky shows - and of course Monkey Doctor is on NBC. It does have Taylor Labine, who is the best part of both Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010) and A Good Old Fashioned Orgy (2011). For some reason, though, I don't think Monkey Doctor will follow either of those genres.

Other Comedies Worse than Community:

We don't really know that Community will be cancelled. Will it be the same without Dan Harmon, though? No. And thus it may as well be. At any rate, NBC will say goodbye to 30 Rock and The Office this year. And they're really hinging their bets on Monkey Doctor, Guys With Kids, and The New Normal? I already confused Guys With Kids with Baby Daddy on ABC Family (which seems like a total rip off of Fox's Raising Hope without any of the intense heart). I'm curious when we will get to the point where homosexuality on television will be normal instead of (ironically enough) pointedly abnormal. Will & Grace and Modern Family did it. Shows since then like The New Normal in their showcasing of sexual preferences are more abject in their depiction than anything really helping the gay cause.

Jeez, we've got more. There's Ben and Kate on Fox, which stars one of the German guys from Beerfest (2006). I'll pass. CBS has Partners (see The New Normal, above). The best of the lot may be NBCs Go On, or as Ryan Lochte calls it, Goon. Will it be as good as Goon (2011), one of the greatest Hockey Films of the last ten years? No, but we'll watch Chandler anyway.

We've Got Three More:

ABC offers us a great chance to ogle Hayden Panettiere on Nashville. I can't think of another reason to watch this show. Hey, she's been legal for a while now. There's also Elementary on CBS which offers us a white British Sherlock Holmes played by some white dude and an Asian Woman Watson played by Lucy Liu. I'm not sure why Sherlock Holmes is the hottest dude on the block right now, but it's nice to know a classic character of pulp literature who seemed to peak a century ago is doing well. The same can't be said for everyone.

No carbs.

Lastly, we come to a series that I may actually watch this year, Arrow. The only thing really out of whack with this is that it's on the CW. I mean, really? Fine. Now, I spent a lot of time in this post just talking about Hot Chicks, and that's just because I'm a dude, but look at star Stephen Amell in this poster. It's ridic - you could grate cheese off those abs, man.

Arrow is cool because it features the Green Arrow, one of the more underused DC Heroes who is basically the DC equivalent to Hawkeye. Except that Green Arrow predates Clint Barton by over twenty years and is also one of the more politically intriguing heroes in the DC Pantheon. He's the kind of dude that DC needs to take off if they ever want to get half as close as Marvel has to fleshing out a live action universe (despite varying degrees of success in Smallville...). It's a cool idea and I do complement the CW for taking a bit of a risk on this one - not every network would hinge their bets on a property like this - of course, that's also why a lot of Networks fail. I'd guarantee those aren't peacock feathers on the fletching.

I looked up that terminology.

So what's in store this year? One of the most interesting developments to watch may be the ongoing battles between singing judging shows - both as a rotating part-time job for every possible singer who's had a single hit in the past twenty years and as a fierce competition between Networks. My guess is that American Idol finally falls this year, to be replaced by Dancing with the Stars, The Voice, or hell, Modern Family's got a decent shot at a big upsurge.

There's plenty more to talk about. We can't really ignore the NFL - Sunday Night Football was the highest rated of any regularly scheduled program last year. The game itself is becoming an art form, with storylines interwoven into the broadcast, appealing to a far greater number of people in all demographics than anything else that's worth watching or recording. It's going to be great - really great, in fact, until everyone realises that players receive concussions, become suicidal, and the sport goes the way of Boxing, with Brett Favre shaking all the way to the clinic.

I also ignored cable here. Cable is tough to judge all at once - its shows come so in and out. In fact, that gave the Emmys trouble this year, with shows like AMC's Mad Men's Season straddling the deadline for submitting for nomination. That's not why shows like Rescue Me were ignored, though, and to judge quality by judging Emmys is a serious fault. I'll save you some time, though: Breaking Bad is the best drama, Louie is the best comedy and there ain't shit else coming down the pipe. Maybe The Walking Dead. If they don't spend half a season killing each other looking for a lost girl, that is.

Turn up those knobs - what are you watching this fall?

First Impressions: Prometheus, Part 2, The Heavy Stuff

Welcome back, folks. This week, Prometheus (2012) is on everyone's mind and there's just not enough room or patience in one post to cover it all. Yesterday we gave some surface impressions of the general plot, cast, and some of the stupidness. Today, though, we're diving into the real meat of this flick lying beneath the surface. Imagine that - a planet full of meat. I would pet snakes from that place. Before journeying further, naturally there are plenty of SPOILERS and FUCK WORDS from here on out, so if you want to see Promie for yourselves, do that first. Do that right now, actually.

Ambiguity

First and foremost, this is the key to understanding as well as enjoying this film. It is incredibly and intentionally ambiguous, opening the gate for discussion, theory building, and critical and imaginative ininterpretation. This is the same kind of schtick writer Damon Lindelof pulled on LOST, and if you liked joining in on the conversation there, you'll like Promie as well. If you're someone who expected many direct answers, then you'll never be satisfied with this film. Lindelof has essentially stated that he understands he has this effect - and for all the complaints, his work leads to far more cultural discourse and discussion than anything else put out by his contemporaries.

This idea is entirely the purpose of Prometheus. It shouldn't be a huge revelation to make the connection between an audience whose expectations were pulled out from underneath them and a group of scientists in space who are experiencing the very same thing. The Team of the Prometheus wants answers to their existence, to immortality, to everything. The obvious narrative response is that like the god of Greek myth, they have outstretched themselves and are punished for hubris - trying to steal from their "gods" (the Engineers) and use for their own, lesser kind. On a more metaphysical level, though, the film is about how answers kind of suck.

"Hey cutie. You like Mexican?"

There's nothing that could really satisfy Weyland or Noomi or Tom Hardy. Maybe David. As the film positions itself to answer the meaning of life and creation as well, it would also come up short if it actually tried to answer anything. Instead, and this is important, what is more essential to life, faith, science, or whatever, is the need for the search. This parallels the frustrations of thousands of film-goers. We have such a desire to find out what the hell is the meaning of what we're watching we forget that it wouldn't really be any fun if we knew anything. And you know what, if I was a biologist who was the first human to ever encounter an alien life-form, I might try to check it out, too, dammit!

Creations vs. Creators

Christianity, Gods, and Chestbursters

The Myth of Prometheus and the Story of Christ have both been heavily alluded to in countless media over the past couple millennia. Considering there are still dudes like Weyland out there (who clearly understand the myth's purpose), it doesn't seem to hurt to trot it out again, especially if it is still interesting. In Prometheus, it is. The film makes clear reference, though, to the possibility of other gods and the reconciliation of their existences with faith in a personal belief, regardless of what that belief may be.

There has been quite a bit of discussion over the heavy Christian themes of this film around the Internet. From the significance of David's name, the possibility of Jesus Christ being an Engineer (from the mouth of Ridley himself, no less) or the simple fact that everything bad happens when Noomi's cross is removed, there's a lot here. There is also tons of references to Sacrificial Abdomen Wounds, essentially driving home the idea that creating anything, from stolen fire to eternal salvation requires a tremendous amount of physical pain and sacrifice. Kind of like childbirth. Or Squiddiebirth.

The Squid & The Noomi

One of the continued themes in Prometheus is the battle between Creators and their Creations. This has been going on in literature since the Modern Prometheus himself, Frankenstein. There's actually a surprising lack of Frankenstein references, considering how apt it would be. I guess Squiddie Shaw Jr. is born on a slab. There is much more of a Christian Thing going on here, which is interesting, disturbing, and cool in its own right.

Noomi may as well be a experiencing a Virgin Birth in the sense that she was not supposed to be able to have a child. That Virgin Birth instead of giving birth to the Saviour of Man, gives birth to the Saviour of Xenomorphs. Maybe. It's certainly her own Saviour from the vengeful Engineer who's coming to mess up her day. In this sense then, Noomi kills her creator with her own creation. Could this have been why the Engineers were so hell-bent on eliminating Humanity? Because of their purity and sacrifice, the Engineers mixed with goo to make the Humans, but because of their sin, Humanity mixed with goo makes this fucking shit. So where does that leave dogs?

This is just a theory. An interpretation of ambiguous facts that the characters are trying to figure out alongside the audience to an about even rate of success based on their background. Why does Idris Elba think they've arrived at a biological weapons facility? He has a military background - it's what he reads into his surroundings. Why does Noomi think the cave paintings are an invitation? She's a nice girl, if she was going to leave a map, that's why she would do so. Why does Weyland spend a trillion dollars to try to achieve immortality? Because he can.

David, Vickers, & Weyland

This is perhaps the most interesting trio in the film. It's fairly possible that Charlize Theron is still an android. Sure, she told Idris to come fuck her, but is that really a done deal? She could have A) Robot Vagina or B) No Vagina. Either way, once Idris came to her room would he tell anyone else?

"You'll never believe this, Chance, Vickers is an android!"

"Whoa! How'd you figure that out?"

"Well, she was so dry when I was banging her-"

"Wait - you just banged our Robot Boss?"

I'm not sure it would work out that well. At any rate, Weyland is father both to David and Vickers, and damn that must be one hell of a Thanksgiving. Weyland is clearly favourable to David despite making it very clear that he is a lesser lifeform. As he says himself, by creating David he has become not a patriarch as much as a god - one that must be served. It's more or less like Weyland isn't paying attention to his daughter because he's obsessed with continuously buffing his brand new Aston Martin.

"Shut up and find out what the hell you're actually doing here."

He also just won't die. Can you imagine poor Charlize, from the looks of it being born to the richest man in the world when he's in his late-60s, at least? Jackpot baby. Then what the hell, this cat lives for another 30-some years? This is the kind of bitch lobbying for Romney to clear a ban on inheritance tax, folks. Not only for the cash, but she's sick of her father's shadow, his lack of attention, and devotion to a lesser lifeform (more on that shortly). It's her dream to take his place - just as it's Weyland's dream to take the place of the Engineers, and perhaps David's dream to take the place of humanity.

The clearest reason for the Engineers' desire to wipe out humanity (if it even is their desire, again, that concept is more ambiguous than it seems) is that Humanity is just inconsequential. Weyland clearly points out that David lacks a soul, but a more accurate assessment would be that he lacks a soul as a concept constructed by humans. It's very possible that humans also lack a soul as constructed by the Engineers. In that sense, there's nothing really malicious in wiping us out. It's just like deleting a corrupted computer file - some good ideas once, but they just really needed to upgrade to something that masturbated less. It's no big deal to kill humanity. They probably have a ton more cave paintings on a ton more worlds. We are not special (no beautiful or unique snowflake). This kind of sucks for you know, the humans present at the time, but what are they going to do about it? Come back with the Hulk to beat up their puny gods?

See, that would be interesting. When will the gods learn not to mess with Humanity? Noomi and the Shark Head are going to travel the cosmos and come back with Thor, or at least Beta Ray Bill to kick some Ripped White Ass all over the Wasteland. To conclude this tangent, The Avengers (2012) makes Humanity feel exceptional in a Galactic Sense, Prometheus renders our existence inconsequential.

Bad Black Goo

What the Fuck is It?


There are two major camps on the Internet on this topic. There are those that are hopelessly perplexed by the Goo and its seeming inconsistencies, and those that at least offer some kind of hypothesis. I think the initial problem for the average movie goer is reclining oneself to convention. Convention isn't a bad thing. It is the building block for just about every image we see and allows us to quickly and thoroughly understand symbols, layouts, and set-ups, both visually and narratively.

Prometheus doesn't exactly stick with its conventions. It doesn't lay out Black Goo rules at any point, in fact, it ends with the Goo still being pretty ambiguous. It requires some careful thinking, observation, and understanding of each character at their point of exposure. We only have five characters that are Goo-Exposed, so let's start there.

If we can't trust Robots in Space, who is there left to trust?!

1) The First Jacked-Up White Dude in the prologue. As Ridley has stated, regardless if this is earth, he's in a state of willing and selfless sacrifice. With this extremely high level of altruism he's able to actually create new life. 2) David doesn't really have DNA, which seems to be what the Black Goo reacts with, so moot point. 3) Holloway is in a state of rekindled hope due to a conversation with David, but nothing is all that strong. We don't know what would happen to him or what he would turn into, but he sure wasn't feeling all that great - we know he had a lot of love for Noomi but is also a selfish character, and thus the goo causes him to collapse in on himself. 4) The poor worms got stepped on - fuck that, they say and they become huge Penis/Vagina symbolic Cobras and fuck up the days of the Shoe-wearing oppressors. 5) Finally, Fifield was in a state of extreme fear and anger that the Goo mutates him into an apparently near-invincible crazy maniac who won't quit until a truck runs over his noggin. Rough, mate.

There are two big conclusions to be reached here: the first is that since no one else actually dies (it sure looked like Holloway wasn't going to be opening any more Christmas presents, though) from the Goo, it may not be the same as from the prologue. Secondly, considering how much this thing reacts to negative emotion, seemingly granting evil tremendous power but fucking over do-gooders, is it any surprise that this shit got out of control in the wrong hands? Those poor White Gods.

Rape

The Alien series has always been about the transposition of genitalia and rape imagery in some way. This ranges from the vaginal facehugger mouth rape to the phallic chestburster, although there's certainly much weirder stuff, like the Weird Human/Alien from Resurrection (1997) that was originally supposed to have both sets of nards.

"That's it, young man, no ice cream for a whole week!"

Prometheus has a little roofie action in David poisoning Tom Hardy's drink. Holloway is then forced to do exactly as David wants him to, which I guess is just to be a test subject to see if the Black Goo can have any beneficial effect on the dying Weyland. Beyond that the Big Nasty Cobraworms already look like a weird vagina (the biologist's been asleep for years and the only chicks around are either married or a robot! Maybe he just wanted some puss, give him a break) and then unwillingly penetrate over and over again, traumatizing Fifield so that he's in a state ready to mutate into a vengeful evil maniac monster. Powerful stuff.

Finally there's literally the Mother of All Facehuggers, young Noomi Squiddie Shaw, Jr., who has obvious vaginal dentata imagery but then forcibly impregnates the hapless Engineer. Does anyone else realise the penultimate scene in this flick is a hardcore Alien on Alien rape scene? It's bizarre and disturbing and has everything to do in a film featuring three main species who all compete with each others' gene pool to procreate. It's the struggle of creation v. creator, possibly incestuous in this sense. As Holloway said though, when you're willing to go all the way to find the answers you came for, this is what you end up with.

The Engineers vs. The Destroyers

This article, which has gained a surprising amount of notice for a livejournal entry, and I've referenced plenty, got me thinking about the concept of the Engineers and the Destroyers. The Destroyers, of course, being these guys again, exist for a single purpose, how did Ash put it? "Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility...I admire its purity. A survivor unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality." They are an infection, a corruption, a side-effect of the Creating Black Goo that crafted something as beautiful as it is horrible.

After thirty years of The Destroyers being the main adversary in these films, Prometheus introduces their opposite, the Creators or the Engineers as Noomi loves to call them. They create through destruction and turn old life into new. Their problem comes when their benevolent ways are met by the sins of not only Humanity, but their own Elephant People. As the tapestries in their temple clearly indicate, the Destroyer has been around for quite some time, always the reflection of the sinful pride of the Engineers' creation turning uncontrollably on the creator. For all their goodwill and sacrifice, the Destroyer exists within each to literally burst out and ruin dinner. I guess it's equivalent to a bad fart.

That's the point of this movie. We created the Alien, we created that kind of fear and ugliness that lies inside us, regardless of our abdominal holes.

Next up...

I do owe a debt to the tremendous amount of discussion available on the Internet already, I've cited a ton of it here and always looking for the kind of intelligent conversation and criticism that this movie will elicit.This kind of extensive post may seem difficult to follow, but in our next post right here, we'll try to examine this criticism and impending legacy of one of the best films of the year. Or was it actually the worst? We really ought to just watch The Tree of Life (2011) to find out.

2012: Other Crap to Look Forward To

Two days ago we discussed a handful of things we are looking forward to in 2012. That list was somewhat limited by its "12 Things in 2012" gimmick as well as the fact that not everything in the following year is going to be great. In fact, much of it will probably suck. In fact, much of that list will probably suck. Nevertheless, Here are a handful of other crap that may be cool in the next year:

More Movies:

Too bad your subject died this year

There are a handful of other movies coming out that have some potential for awesome. Within this very month we're anticipating Haywire and The Grey as further proof that January is getting less terrible and turning into alternate action star vehicles (read: MMA chick beats up A-Listers and Liam Neeson fights wolves). As we go further down the line there are some other franchise flicks that may take off but we're skeptical about. Yes, more skeptical than G.I. Joe: Retaliation. This includes The Hunger Games, which seem overrated and a veiled attempt at sucking more cash out of the Twilight Generation and The Hobbit, which by all means looks fine, although to be honest I don't think 2012 has the same fresh Tolkien Spirit that grabbed the nation a decade ago. I'm also concerned about the struggling production after the Ring Trilogy went so smoothly.

There are also three comedies we're looking at this year that have some potential of being awesome, although none are exactly knocking us out of the park. The first, mainstream big summer comedy is Sacha Baron Cohen's The Dictator, which they wisely say is from the makers of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006), not Brüno (2009). It's tough that Sacha's style hasn't really hit movies in starring roles besides Borat in the way his TV career did with Da Ali G Show. Can Sacha do for Gaddafi what Charlie Chaplin did for Hitler? Who knows.

We've also got our eyes on The Five-Year Engagment, as Jason Segel's likeability grows along with Emily Blunt's hotness. Then there's this bizarre 21 Jump Street trailer that somehow looks pretty funny, which works better when seeing it in the movie theater without the judgment that it's a TV show remake. At any rate, this will be the Year of Channing. Do with that what you will.

TV Times:

Fat Guy from LOST, you will always be known as Fat Guy from LOST.

There are exactly two-shows right now that look interesting at all to come out of 2012, but there's certainly some room yet to develop a rich Fall Schedule, although obviously nothing will be as good as New Girl. Actually, it's surprising how much New Girl fails the Bechdel Test. Anyway, the mid-season replacement with the most potential towards being the kind of long-term puzzling LOST-rip-off is clearly Alcatraz, about a bunch of its inmates disappearing in the 60s and reappearing...in modern times! Ohhh, fuckin shit!

We're more excited to see Don Cheadle go nuts, Captain Planet-Style in House of Lies, which is topical as well as massively entertaining. We need another slimeball on TV. And that slimeball needs to be played by Don Cheadle cutting lose and not worrying about his prestige career for a second. Also it's got Jean-Ralphio in a starring role. Thank goodness.

Musical Modes:

As we're moving along here it's more difficult to say what exactly we're pumped up for. There are plenty of artists with some new albums coming out but it's tough to say if they will have any quality or not. Some high profile releases include new work by DMX, Outkast, Madonna, and Mumford & Sons. It may be strange that I appreciate all of those artists equally, but that's that. The most tantalizing (and named) album of the year may be Tyler the Creator's Wolf as a direct follow-up to 2011's Goblin. It's tough to say who is going to fall through the cracks though, last year gave us Adele, Foster the People and LMFAO out of no where.

That's it. Everything you need to know about 2012. Start praying against the Mayans.

Capsule 2010: Television

Alright folks, it's time to talk about some Television. 2010, like other recent years, was an incredible time for TV. Amidst some of the more legendary shows coming and going we saw the continued dominance of Cable Diversification and how much critics love it, startling audience breakdowns and NBC again really relying only on Fantastic Sunday Night Football coverage to support the entire network. Well, of course that AND the Winter Olympics.

RETURNING SHOWS OF 2010:

We'll break this down into a few categories because the TV season doesn't really measure up with our Calendar Year. I'll chat first about shows both in the 2009 - 2010 seasons as well as 2010 - 2011, then shows that ended in 2010 and finally shows that began in 2010. Now, naturally there's always the Mad Men and Breaking Bad and that people love, and these are some of the strongest narratives on TV, even if the former is incredibly boring and difficult to get into and the latter is so critically acclaimed that Norwegian Morning Wood really has no place supporting it here.

2010 was notable for a few big returns. Futurama arrived on Comedy Central this summer, with a good amount of sub-par episodes but some incredible, instant classics such as "The Late Philip J. Fry" (S6;E7) and "The Prisoner of Benda" (S6;E10). The Simpsons also featured one of their greatest non-Treehouse of Horror episodes in years in "The Squirt and the Whale" (S21;E19) and have had some return to form after a couple terrible years. As you can tell, I primarily watch cartoons. South Park, while surely blowing a few opportunities with their Coon arc this fall, knocked out "Medicinal Fried Chicken" (S14;E3) and "You Have 0 Friends" (S14;E4).

The best two shows on TV, though I still believe to be the one-two of Community and Parks and Recreation on NBC. Neither are audience favourites but those who watch them get hooked immediately and they've topped many end-of-year-lists like this one. I've ranted and raved about both of these plenty of times before, needless to say they're the most incredible comedies on television and their continual Emmy snub makes me want to punch babies until my arm gets sore.

So what other general news from the year? American Idol switched up its judges but no one really cared. Jersey Shore was everywhere, getting MTV ratings typically reserved for Networks. Everyone was DVR-ing and Satellite-ing and Hulu-ing, but that's not news. Olympics, World Cup, Thursday Night Football that non one was able to watch, fun sports year. Also we should note Super Bowl XLIV, which managed to attract the largest American audience of all time watching a TV at the same time. Of course, that's still a fraction of the people who logged on to Facebook at some point during the game.

NEW SHOWS OF 2010:

Let's talk about Conan. One of the hottest topics of 2010 was the huge NBC late night host controversy, in fact it has its own Wikipedia page (look how detailed that shit is!). In the end, Conan was able to settle into a new position on TBS with a dude who was more than happy to let him go wherever he wanted, and Conan has done pretty well ever since. By the way, currently 90.6% of households with a TV also had cable in 2010, is it that big of a deal that cable shows are beating Networks? It's also nice to see that amidst all the strange Late Night feuds there's at least two pretty cool rivals who like each other. I am growing into a pretty good Craig Ferguson fan by the way, who won a Peabody this year for interviewing Desmond Tutu, is settling into a fantastic "Awkward Pause" routine and also thoroughly skews Late Night standards with his Robotic Sidekick and other frank intimate moments. He's my dude.

Anyway, besides Late Night tangents, HBO debuted three fantastic series that should all be contenders for Best of the Year, including The Pacific, Treme and Boardwalk Empire. After being very impressed with the first episode of The Walking Dead, I'm not sold on how the season turned out, settling for more typical Zombie Tropes than the unrelenting comic series. My favourite new series of the year though is still Adventure Time with Finn & Jake on Cartoon Network. Haha, that rules.I'll also mention delighting in the Sunday double-dose of Childrens Hospital and Mary Shelley's Frankenhole. Lots of new gems to find in the sand this year. Also I guarantee this the only list you'll find mentioning Frankenhole equal to Treme. Dammit, that's some funny shit.

ENDING SHOWS OF 2010:

The Boondocks tended to go out with a whimper rather than a bang, despite an awesome kickball episode. Other than that, 2010 saw the end of long-going series like Law & Order and Larry King Live (did a soul care?) The big knock-outs were Scrubs, 24 and LOST, though, the latter of which really swept up the Spring Zeitgeist. All of these shows ended for the exact reason there's not a whole lot to write about them, though. They're irrelevant, no longer interesting and really puttered out without much satisfaction.

BETTY WHITE:

What the hell, Betty White. From appearing on Community, SNL (winning an Emmy for a...pretty shitty episode) and truly igniting the Facebook community (what the hell does that mean), Betty White was THE TV artist of 2010 and didn't even really star in any shows. What a glorious old cunt. I don't really understand my generation's love of Betty White. Sure there's the old vagina jokes, and those can be pretty fun but what other joy do we get from watching this old woman get bounced around in Snickers Commercials (on that topic can we mention the creep-out Commercial of the year? Snickerrrrsss!!). This chick and like, Jon Hamm seemed to pop up in every weird little spot. Like the Season Finale of Childrens Hospital. What the hell, Jon Hamm. Go sell some John Ham.

BEST EPISODES OF 2010:

Community - "Modern Warfare" (S1;E23) was absolutely legendary, from the Apocalypse spoof to the lack of character shields, eruption of sexual tension and Ken Jeong's masterful final appearance, this was breathtaking.



Ugly Americans - "The Manbirds" (S1;E14) was pretty awesome. Does anyone else ever watch this show? Most of it is unremarkable, but this episode's pension for cockfighting, which I already adored here proved to be a great emotional tether for a classic sports redemption. Maybe not, but the Manbird language alone makes the episode worth watching.

The Venture Bros - "Operation P.R.O.M." (S4;E16) was a severely underlooked achievement. This scene alone may be one of the most fantastically constructed of the year and the amount of reward for the depth and growth of character this season doesn't fail to disappoint.

LOST - "Ab Aeterno" (S6;E9) took the show's most interesting and mysterious side character and developed an entire short movie about his backstory that was interesting, moving, gave some insight to the Island's Mythology (some insight). This is what LOST was like at its best - not necessarily following a strict narrative but using its episodic medium and huge cast of characters to tell little vignettes that tied into a more complete story. Despite a somewhat middling final season (although I think the Finale was spectacular), "Ab Aeterno" emerges as one of the best episodes of the year. You can take that to the bank.

The Long Halloween Vol. II: Christmas

Now, since last year I technically burned up Festivus, really Christmas is wide open this year. That said, it should always be pretty clear to you out there what the great Christmas Traditions are. Every family's got a movie they watch (Ours used to be A Christmas Story [1983] before I shifted us into Die Hard [1988]). You eat the same bullshit food with the same bullshit people. So maybe you can read this this year and spice things up a bit. I've already laid out some of my favourite flicks last year as well, but take some advice here to go off the beaten path.

Jingle Films:

There are so so many good Christmas movies, from Jingle All the Way (1996) to The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006). But everyone's seen this kind of sappy shit before, it's time to lay down something big. Something unique. Something to set your Christmas off right. I'm talking about Santa's Slay (2005). This film stars Goldberg as Santa Claus, Son of Satan who after forced to deliver toys for a thousand years after losing a bet with an Angel may once again go on his Annual Killing Sprees. And he does. Santa kills so many people in this movie, starting with this insane family of actually famous stars in the first scene. Check it out. There's got to be some fantasy fulfillment watching Fran Drescher's head set on fire. Most of the rest of the film stars some dude and Claire from LOST (still hot) running around from evil Satan/Santa Wrestler. Fantastic times. So this number, while admittedly pretty terrible should shake up an evening with Grandma pretty well.

Mistle-Tunes:

Again, plenty of Christmas music to choose from here. Most radio stations switch over to all-Christmas Carols come Thanksgiving, which is incredibly irritating after the first hour. Others will play some shit just for the fun of it, like that terrible new Coldplay song. Who does that? You're ruining my Radio Alt Rock experience, Coldplay, I came here for some fucking Black Keys. Anyway, besides Coldplay to give your ears a new jingle this season there are other options. I was wondering what to put here but luckily the other day a caller called into the radio and requested a Christmas Song. Apparently to whoever this bro was, "Detachable Penis" by King Missile was a classic Christmas Track. Good enough for me, let's bring it in the canon and take a listen.

Snowflake TV:

Again, lots and lots to choose from here. Among many many Christmas specials I enjoy Community, though Season 1's "Comparative Religion" hit it out of the park a lot better than this year's pretty forced "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas." That stop-motion stuff is kind of hokey and played, mostly in my favourite special of all time, which also came out last year, "A Very Sunny Christmas" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.



Charlie's mom is a whore, Mac's parents steal Christmas and Frank buys himself a Lambo. Beautiful stuff. It's wrong in many ways, there's tons of unbelievable moments, and there's ultimately a lot of heart. Or at least the notion that if you're a douche no one will buy you presents. And isn't that the true meaning of it all?

Gooey Food and Drink:

There's tons of traditional Christmas Dinners, from Turkey to Ham to Goose and Monkey. As long as you're eating a lot, maybe through in some Figgy Pudding (I have never figured out what the hell that is) and tons of Eggnog and you're straight. You'd best keep the liquor flowing with relatives around, I'd suggest a steady stream of Caucasians, Vodka Cranberries or peppermint schnapps. Just don't drink so much that you develop an aversion to Candy Canes.

So Merry Christmas out there, and to all my Different Faith Readers out there, just remember - we can ultimately reject the commercial and religious aspects of this Holiday and gather around the Festivus pole, to air grievances and wrestle each other. Happy Landing, friends.

The Last Deflower: 2009 - 2010 TV Season in Review

So now that we've run through about all of the Finales for the 2009 - 2010 Television Season, it's time to look back before we get too heavily into the Summer Season (Cable Premieres and Network Game Shows). This season should always be a landmark one in TV history, both for all the epic long-running programs that ended as well as those that started. I really only want to talk about some of these finales, big trends that emerged and finally the handful of network shows still on air that are actually worth watching. You can check this out first to refresh your memory. Now let's get bold:

See Ya in Another Life, Brotha

There were many notable shows canceled this year, some out of ratings, others due to creative exhaustion and desires for closure. Okay, so there was one show that ended because of creative exhaustion, the epic known as LOST. I think it will take some time for the full impact of this ending to hit viewers but it should rank among the all-time finales, if only because of its hype and controversy it has caused already. Fans gripe about its lack of answers (admittedly, the quantity of omissions are stunning, but probably necessary for a cleaner narrative), but the Finale answered the most important question - why we're here and why the Island existed. It was a bit of a brainbuster and didn't give easy answers, expecting a lot from its audience. The end of TV's greatest show? Probably. High points this year include the emotional high point of "The Candidate" (S6;E14), and one of the best episodes of the entire show, the practical mini-movie "Ab Aeterno" (S6;E9).

It's a bit of a shame that the same year LOST ended some of its ripoff shows ended including FlashForward and Heroes. While FlashForward was never anything great, Heroes for one season back in 2006 looked like it had potential to step into the big shoes. That didn't happen and its cancellation is a good choice. At this point it's almost safe to say that LOST did not change Television, because no other show yet seen can fully replicate its intricacies. V's trying though.

Two other shows were knocked off without much gripe this year, two shows who legitimately changed television I'm talking about the the uniquely set-up but repetitive storytelling of 24 and the juggernaut procedural marathon Law & Order. I'll admit not ever really caring about either of these, but their dual cancellation is interesting. 24 worked best watched all in a row with a tight narrative and heavy reliance on season-long arcing action. Law & Order was exactly the opposite, one of the few truly episodic programs left on television. Both had their place and now both are gone. The one really awesome thing about the end of Law & Order, though, is the advent of the budding Grand Law & Order Database over at Overthinkingit.com. I'm pumped.

There's a lot of other shows that ended this year that seemed like they had been on forever and no one ever really watched them. This includes forgettable Cold Case, sometimes interesting Numb3rs, underrated animated King of the Hill and and after changing networks and most of the cast, Scrubs. Phew. With all these huge shows coming to an end with decade's end, what lies ahead for the 2010s?

Big Cats, LL Cool J and Singing High Schools

So what worked this year? Like practically every year this decade American Idol was a goliath, along with fellow reality programs Undercover Boss and Dancing with the Stars. I really don't understand the appeal of dancing shows or movies. Even watching dance at all, I don't get it, it's not interesting to me. Watching the enthusiasm of Dancing with the Stars is like observing how Martians would react to Hawaiian Punch - it's something awesome that I don't care about given to people who love it. The appeal escapes me.

Same with Glee.



Fuck Glee. Fuck Glee forever. Fucking waste of my time. Glee is so fucking overrated, really gets my dick boiling. Glee and Modern Family are moderately okay shows that I think people tend to watch and afterwards think they're indie or cultured for having watched it. Overrated slop. I will praise ABC for invigorating their Comedy Wednesday with some more single-camera (NBC-style) sitcoms. It's a bit more progressive than CBS' Monday Night-Shitshow of the same crap, although some shows that no one will forget were canceled (Gary Unmarried and Accidentally on Purpose).

Modern Family is cool in that it is a family-oriented show, steering away from the single-friends in New York City bit. CBS continues to be the safest network on Television, relying on old standards in Comedy and Initialisms for Dramas. Because they get the ratings though, the network will never change. NBC tends to make terrible dramas with terrible ratings and then really good comedies...with equally terrible ratings.

As it Turns out I only Like Two Shows on Television

If our focus is kept towards Network TV we're left with two outstanding shows that I enjoyed this season. Because I'm a whore for NBC, we're talking Community and Parks and Recreation. As part of the whole classic NBC Thursday Comedy line-up, it became more and more clear this season that both The Office and 30 Rock are in a bit of decline. While 30 Rock still offered some incredible episodes ("Klaus and Greta" [S4;E9]), it's quickly becoming too whiny and niche-y for its own good. And I believe I've already spent a considerable amount of time criticising The Office.

So we're basically at a point where NBC's newest shows are out-writing and out-laughing its old guard. Parks and Recreation is a very unique kind of humour, unlike most other shows on television. I had a hard time placing it for a while. It doesn't come necessarily out of awkwardness (The Office), patheticness (30 Rock), idiocy (The Simpsons) or character defects (Two and a Half Men). Instead it garners its humour from the epic level of enthusiasm its lead (Amy Poehler) has in the Mundane, with an incredibly strong cast of characters around her who react with varying degrees to this enthusiasm. The show is balanced by heavy femininity along with does of hyper-masculinity by Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) (demanding Scotch after being shot in the head). Be sure to watch "Ron and Tammy" (S2;E8), "The Possum" (S2;E18) and "94 Meetings" (S2;E21).

Finally we get to the Show of the Year: Community. This thing came out of no where. It's a confident little show that after a slew of very strong Holiday Episodes in the fall came unto its own in the Spring. No other show on TV right now has sharper writing, the characters are strong and it's one of the funniest shows in years. It's humour, like Parks isn't largely negative like The Office or even Family Guy. It's got charm and class. Key episodes include "Debate 109" (S1;E9) as well as the dual giants of the year, "Contemporary American Poultry" (S1;E21) and "Modern Warfare" (S1;E23). "Modern Warfare" was the greatest half-hour experience with a television on this entire year. If you disagree I will fight you.

What Else?

It's quickly becoming apparent that most good narratives have found a home on cable rather than on Networks, or even films. AMC's Mad Men and Breaking Bad are among the best dramas available and FX has thrown its hat into a ton of new shows (some good, some forgettable) such as Justified, Sons of Anarchy and Damages. While I already bitched about South Park, The Venture Bros remains television's greatest cartoon and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia remains cable's greatest comedy. It's inclusion along with new episodes of Futurama on Comedy Central this summer makes it the channel to watch. Add FX's Rescue Me to the Summer Line-Up and there's not a lot of reason to go outside ever.

Real quick let's get a few things out of the way that we need to: NBC's only show that got any kind of good rating is its NFL Sunday Night, which has enough hock on its own to stay entertaining, and this TV Season will of course always be remembered for the greatest Travesty in Late Nite Programming of All Time. It's been a mediocre year with a few bright spots. If trends continue, we'll squeeze a few more good seasons out of what we've got and from there, we can really only go up.

Stay tuned in.

Because it's On TV: LOST, Heroes and the Rise and Fall of Overly Complicated Nerd Dramas

There's been a good amount of "Rise and Fall" posts lately around here, but that's really just because a lot of good stuff tends to turn shitty pretty fast. In honour of the Sixth and Final Season of LOST premiering tonight, I thought I'd take a look at the interesting Sub-Genre of Dramatic Television it has spawned in this decade, which I have no real better word for other than the Overly Complicated Nerd Drama. Let's start where it started:

Precursors, '67 and '91:

The kind of show I'm talking about is the intensely convoluted, sometimes existential, other times incomprehensible live-action drama that almost shuns casual viewership in favour of a necessarily devoted following to extract all possible meaning. LOST (2004), while popularizing the genre in the mid-to-late 2000s was certainly not the forerunner. I'd give that honour to the British series The Prisoner (1967). Not only was much of the plot and setting downright surreal, but it was also one of the first shows with production values (in both set design, acting and writing) to rival most films. It's an incredibly good show with a lot to say about just about anything you could think of, from mind control and free will to love and big bicycles. From there we don't have much else in this specific genre (feel free to argue in the Comments Section) until David Lynch's Twin Peaks (1990). Twin Peaks, like The Prisoner had incredible production value with the addition of an intensely sequential method of plotting. The first one and a half seasons contained a whole arc rather than an episodic structure (The Prisoner was largely episodic with a generally connecting narrative). It mostly fell apart when its second arc couldn't compare at all with its first one, losing a lot of what viewers and critics felt was the core of the story. Thus Twin Peaks operates almost more like a long mini-series rather than Primetime drama. Thus while these shows were revolutionary, neither could sustain their complex plot structure for much more than one or two seasons. Then LOST comes around.

Apex, 2004 - 2007:

LOST was the most expensive pilot ever made (between $10 - 14 million). Everything about the show was cinematic, but to a very high degree. Twin Peaks had the movie-level production of an acclaimed drama. LOST was like an epic studio tentpole film. Combine this with a plot structure that rewarded repeated viewership (this show was made for DVD collections) and close attention and ABC had a ratings giant its first year. It also won the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series, thus at the apex of both the critical and commercial community. While its ratings have steadily jumped around since then, and for some reason Mad Men (2007) has continually beaten it at the Emmies, LOST remains one of the most solidly written shows on television, rewarding that close viewership with genuinely significant parcels of information that add to its depth rather than leave a bitter aftertaste. The only other franchise that I've seen to be able to do this is Harry Potter.

In 2006 we had another freshman entry into the Sub-Genre, the very promising first season of Heroes. Its premiere was one of the highest for any NBC show all-time. Although any comic fan knows its basically a continued rip-off of X-Men, the initial hook of Heroes was simply what would happen if these disassociated people across the world suddenly found they had superhuman abilities. From this relatively simple premise the show spun some really cool conspiracies, character growth and a very satisfying conclusion. It was likely that conclusion wrapped up too much, as its second season saw a heavy decline in all-around quality. The only interesting characters left is Sylar and Parkman, the rest tend to either re-hash the same problems (HRG and Jailbait) or make stupid, incomprehensible new ones in order to limit admittedly godlike powers (Masi Oka has brain cancer, wtf). After its first season, Heroes tended to write itself into a corner with some of its characters, and then proceeded to dig its way out (See Peter Petrelli's case of James Franco-like amnesia, always convenient) in terrible fashions. Thus we start to decline.

Excess and Downfall, 2007 - Present:

The limitations of the Overly Complicated Nerd became readily apparent during the later part of the decade. The sheer failure and absentia of ideas for Heroes Season 2 was very disappointing, and hinted at the fact that the genre could not be performed on a Season-to-Season basis, similar to the failure of Twin Peaks nearly twenty years earlier. The genre only really works well as a whole, that is, a consistent driving idea from start to finish, regardless of Series length. Thus, LOST with its supposed overarching plan emerges as the only series that appears to know what its doing. That is, although its driving idea is as of yet hidden from view, there is still faith that it remains consistent, that every moment IS working towards SOMETHING.

There have also been some recently spectacular failures in the genre, namely ABC's FlashForward (2009) and V (2009). Both these shows are faring in somewhat opposite directions. While FlashForward is clearly the better show critically, its ratings have been slipping, and without strong viewership in March when it returns from hiatus it will be gone. V is an abysmally terrible show, but currently has a very good Renew / Cancel Index, which might lead to its renewal (again, still dependent on its Spring performance). Regardless, neither of these shows can begin to compare to both LOST and Heroes freshman seasons, which both earned huge critical acclaim and astounding ratings. As you can see, Heroes hasn't come close since. A severe problem with this sort of genre is how the writing must conform to the ratings and whether or not the series will be renewed.

LOST is the only series to manage this (although during negotiations in Seasons 2 and 3 things got pretty hairy) by determining during Season 4 that the Sixth Season would be its ultimate. This allowed LOST to plan its arcs with a finite goal in mind instead of just buying time developing random storylines until it sees its cancellation. Currently FlashForward is in an an interesting position - if it is indeed cancelled after this year, will it be able to wrap up its plot ties that satisfies its audience? If it was expecting at least a second season, will it have enough to maintain its mystery or lose its mystique like Twin Peaks and Heroes have? It's a tough call to make, but one that comes with the ground of the Overly Complicated Nerd Drama. 

LOST Season 6 premiers tonight at 9 pm EST.

Bryan Loves Television Part Seis: Drama Day Cable

See? It's a pun on that Cuba Gooding, Jr movie. Clearly.

Well, moving on, for any of you who are still with me, the following rambling, incoherent diatribe involves little to no original research and was written while under the influence of a weird...warm lubricant that I'm not familiar with. People who I tagged...be honoured. Let's go down together, baby.

I did not bother to include the showtimes. Turn on one of these channels and your show will be on. Furthermore, again, these are my personal one-sentence explanations of all of TV.

F/X

Damages - Law & Order if everyone did crack ALL the time, mostly the lawyers.

Nip / Tuck - Dr. Doom, some other dude, and some hot chick are plastic surgeons, to my knowledge...cool?

Rescue Me - I enjoy this show when I catch it, wicked intense with a dark sense of humour, awesome.

Sons of Anarchy - Hellboy leads some dudes in a chain gang...cool?

TNT-ugghh TNT shows. What a crock. I really actually had a hard time coming up with even my first one-sentence thoughts on this shitshow.

It's good that we got such a recognizable name-based star to anchor our faltering programming schedule! Yeah!

Leverage - Advertised as starring Academy Award winner, Timothy Hutton. Real quick - name the role and movie he won it for and then named a single other movie starring Timothy Hutton! Oh shit!

The Closer - I have no idea if this is pronounced "Clozer" or "Close-er." Frankly...I don't wanna know.

Saving Grace - This is different from the Clozer somehow.

Raising the Bar - This is actually a show and not just a phrase, apparently.

Trust Me - The show whose title sounds like "Lie to Me" but in reality is actually like Mad Men without ANY of the finesse.

USA

rrrraaaappee

Burn Notice - This is one of those shows that sounds pretty cool but I never watch it.

In Plain Sight - Another police procedural. Yep. The world needs this.

MONK - What's his face, I only know him as Jeebs from Men in Black, brings up a stupid character from shitty...to OK.

PSYCH - This would be the most typical show ever if not for the two leads which actually make it interesting and funny at times. If only the writing wasn't the cliched plots it'd be awesome.

AMC

Breaking Bad - Malcolm's dad is a meth addict or something. Groovy.

Mad Men - Apparently amazing. I wouldn't know.

HBO

True Blood - Vampires are involved somehow, but not in any way that's cool.

Entourage - Ari Gold is awesome, that's all I know about this show.

In Treatment - I had never heard of this show before I looked up HBO's programming on Wikipedia.

Big Love - I remember hearing about this like 3 years ago, it's still on? What is this, HBO's According to Jim? I'm sure it's exactly as funny!

Showtime

I actually have no idea if this is from an episode of Californication or just Duchovny's daily routine. I'm pretty good either way.

Dexter - Pretty legendary, apparently, but I don't get showtime. Or the internet.

Californication - Mulder has a lot of sex. That's all I know.

The Tudors - I don't know what this is about, I presume it's like NBC's "Kings," but set during a time when it's actually relevant.

Weeds - If this show is as good as its namesake it should make me hungry, a little spacey, and highly able to tolerate Dave Matthews Band.


Channel Summations, because I was too lazy to get into them:

ABC Family - Youths have problems, but in a safe and cautioned environment.

Disney Channel - Youths have no real problems but think they do, in a safe and cautioned environment.

TBS - Crappy movies and worse TV shows.

History - UFOs or Hitler.

Discovery Channel - Dirty Jobs, Deadliest Catch, or something else that pretends to be educational.

E! - Presenting, the brainless masturbation network!

BET - Black people serving to put black people back 20 years. I watch the Boondocks instead.

SciFi - Absolutely terrible F-Level movies sandwiched between Star Trek and BSG repeats.

Bravo - Presenting, the brainless masturbation network! For gays!

So hopefully that's most of the shit on TV. Not a great time to turn on the box, really, but here's three shows that I watch regularly and enjoyed a lot:

Hey! The good one was British!
Who'da thunk it.

1) Life on Mars: This is a gimmicky police procedural that only has a few shows left (actually I think it ended a few weeks ago) that I really overlooked but occasionally caught because it followed LOST. I started reading about it, though, including its British inspiration, which was ranked among other things, the greatest ending of any television series EVER in a recent TV show. Anyway, it peaked my interest and I tried to follow this shitstorm a little closelier, to little reward, really, but the things is definately watchable. I have not seen the American finale yet, whether or not it lives up to the made-up British hype or not I'll have to find out.

And for a split-second...we all want to be Asian.

2) HEROES: Here's a show that was innovative and revolutionary its first season, then stagnated, got screwed by the writer's strike, and has just been spinning its wheels ever since. The first season's tight storyline, conclusive and rewarding finale, and interesting interpretation of a world where super-powered individuals exist easily made it must-see NBC TV in 2006. The second season had the exact same plot...and then the third season had...the exact same plot. A handful of characters have had...the same character and also the same powers since the first season, but the rest pretty much play musical chairs to fit the plot. HEROES ends up playing out like a poorly written LOST, if it can rekindle its first season magic it will become very decent, until then, it's a fucking fishy twatfest.

Yeah, they're cute now, but pretty soon they're
going to escape their Dharma cages and try to
bite Charlie's face off.

3) LOST: The single drama that I consistently watch and actually enjoy these days. LOST is like a serious Moral Orel that has lasted five seasons of hour-long episodes instead of three seasons of 15-minute long episodes. After the first two or three mind-fuck seasons, it started answering half the questions it raised and still poses relevant ones. The characters and production values are incredible, as is the editing and overall story structure. Its recent (actually since it began) handling of time travel is brilliant and also evident of how well it is written and how well it has been written for the past five years.

Now, LOST is a major part of my reasoning for loving modern television. Despite declining ratings after the first mind-fuck season, LOST remains a perfect example of how incredible TV can really be. Film-like quality of both writing and production values, a well-thought out story that is meant to take place during the course of a few years, impossible for the arch of a simple two-hour film. It does owe a lot to the 1990 series, "Twin Peaks" both in terms of film-like camera work and production values, long over-arching stories, and in general, a whole shittruck full of confusing fuckin shit that went on all the time. That the Twin Peaks legacy did not really find a foothold until LOST premiered in 2004 is disappointing, as is the fact that a reality show like "Dancing with the Stars" is vastly cheaper to produce and gets much better ratings. Coupled with the fact that another show like Heroes has essentially failed miserably and the chances of another program the quality of LOST coming around any time soon is slim. But I dig a lot that a show like this can be still on, even if next season will be its last.

So that's drama, baby. As soon as I think of a good punny title for Comedy (read: bad punny title for Comedy), we'll continue this shitfest of a Blog Entry.