Tops of the Millennium: Endings

Welcome loyal readers to the final posting concerning the many wonderful films of the current Millennium before I announce my final Top 15 List. Today I'm looking at endings. Now, when I made my picks this time, I decided to go for mostly crappy or otherwise forgettable movies saved by incredible endings. Think of this as the "Best Endings to Crummy Movies" entry.

This is also basically my chance to expiate many movies that I absolutely loved from this Millennium, but really have no place even on my own dubious lists. Many of these are comedies that ended really really well, that I am now able to read a lot into and make outrageous philosophical stretches with. Shine on, my friends. Shine on. You can also scroll down to see a half-legitimate list of the Best Endings to the Best Films. Of course by its very nature, this list is full of spoilers. In fact, it's nothing but spoilers. Let's get going:

#10: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)



I'm a big unabashed Apatow fan, naturally, and I absolutely loved Walk Hard, but I'll admit I feel like you had to be in on the joke to actually get it. Dewey Cox is not dissimilar to Spinal Tap, in that his songs work because in part they're genuinely good within its genre. The ending to the film is sweet because its a constant counter to the terribly jaded rock star life Dewey had lived, while he slowly becomes relevant as a legendary musician without even realising it. The final song, like most of the dialogue elucidates the plot as its unfolding, more making fun of the faulted biopic genre than rock itself. There's a lot going on both on the surface and within the general metanarrative, but the film makes sure not to take itself too seriously, killing Dewey three minutes after his performance.

#9: Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

This list is getting stupid fast. Stay with me. At first glance nothing happens during the course of Napoleon Dynamite. Napoleon is still in school, unpopular, Grandma's back to health, Uncle Rico back to the prairie. On a second (seemingly obvious) evaluation though, Napoleon's entire world changes, but more importantly, he affects all those around him. Rico and Kip get some interracial babes, Pedro becomes El Presidente and Summer Wheatley has to pout and cry. The crushing ennui of Idaho High School life is broken and Nappy D finds a probable soul mate in the little girl from Waterworld (1995). Bangin'. There is actually a great deal of change in the mental attitudes of each character, while maintaining strong character relations, which is all done with incredible subtlety. Ending of the Millennium? Maybe, but let's stick with No. 9 for now.

#8: Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

"I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling."

Harold and Kumar's quest isn't just for little delicious patties with flavour crystals that explode in your mouth. It's a quest for respect, dignity, freedom and manhood.



Not unlike Napoleon, Harold and Kumar are often derided by their peers, parents and other authority figures (Kumar's speech to the cop on the corner gives some great insight towards this). Their quest for burgers isn't about satisfying the munchies, it's about getting exactly what they want for a change and not taking shit for it. It's about controlling their destiny (also see Kumar's family's pressure to go to med school), standing up for themselves (Harold both denouncing his co-workers and getting to first base with Maria) and finally not kowtowing to social pressures (stereotyping). The entire movie is basically Calvinist, as the universe unfolds as it should. Maybe.

#7: Team America: World Police (2004)



I think some shit that Team America took when it first came out was its expectation to be a complete denouncement of Bush Politics (premiering weeks prior to the 2004 election). Not only was Bush not mentioned at all, but the ending justifies some American World Policing through the greatest speech ever put on film. I understand this speech better than any Political Science textbook I've ever read. For that, it gets some honour, giving pride to a country that, while full of dicks, are necessary to fuck a world full of assholes. America does a dirty job (see The Dark Knight 2008 for an approximately identical closing speech by Gordon) that someone's gotta do.

#6: School of Cock (2003)



Err...Rock. That embedded vid is in German, which is decently funny. Anyway, School of Rock is the kind of movie that people kind of throw to the side, but if it's ever on TV stick around to watch it. The final song is legitimately good (see the Dewey Cox/Spinal Tap effect) but also serves to not only justify the talents of most of the kids as well as Jack Black (Haha, I think his name is also Dewey) and is a way to not compromise the spirit of Rock and Youth while filtering it into a very productive and justifiable medium. Brilliant.

#5: Blades of Glory (2006)



Something about this ending in particular works for me. I didn't even really care for most of the movie, but like Chazz Michael Michaels, it sucks for most of the run, then sticks the landing. The video above centers well on the difficulty of the Iron Lotus stunt, which the ending features prominently as the epic move to clinch the Doubles Figure Skating Championship. I've never been able to put my finger exactly on it, it just works. Maybe it's something in-between Ferrel seeing the Virgin Mary or Poehler's Scowl but it's solid.

#4: Constantine (2005)

Constantine was a shitty movie essentially nothing like its genuinely awesome source material that featured among other things a whiny, Pre-Bumblebee owning Shia LeBeouf as well as our Lord and Saviour Keanu Reeves. I dig the ending, though. It works out neatly that Keanu summons Satan as the Deus Ex Machina, but only because Satan's the only one that would claim Keanu's soul itself (I have a feeling the real world also works like this). The self-sacrificing shit can be seen a mile away, but I love Constantine's rugged bird he gives Hell's Tyrant as he's lifted off to heaven. Remnants of the comic character coming back into the fold.

#3: Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)

I've already talked about and posted the ending here, but Beezleboss rules and fits as another Satan-battle ending. I didn't think Pick of Destiny was funny at all and was pretty willing to forget it until this crucial scene. In a way, it sums up what both the band and film are all about, blasting the Forces of Evil with Righteous Rock 'N' Roll. Party on, Wayne.

#2: Little Miss Sunshine (2006)



Fucking hated this movie. It's just way to whiny and quirky for me for most of the shitshow, but the ending is stellar beyond belief. Going through this video, first of all, the revelation that her now-dead grandfather (Academy Award-Winning performance by Alan Arkin) taught her these ridiculously dirty moves is hysterical, as is her childlike innocence in performing them. The cool thing about the ending is the family's final acceptance that they are real fucking weird and have no place at a Pageant like that, but that's okay. A lot of Simpsons episodes are like this. Families are weird and scary and oftentimes only other family members can understand that. The key though is that that's alright and accepting your family and your own weirdness is the only way to find some happiness. Let your freak flag fly.

And the best part of the whole film (nay the decade) is the final dude in the crowd LOVING it cheering at the end. In general this movie is probably the only reason I really made this post. Hated the whole movie and loved the ending. Let's move on.

#1: Step Brothers (2008)



"You got it, dragon." I watch this scene probably at least once a week, if not more. Everything about this movie is legendary, this is clearly one of many scenes and songs that are incredible (second favourite is Ferrell's "Let's Give Them something to Talk About" over "Boats 'N' Hoes"). The song works for its instant oddity to the stunning effect it has on all the main characters, giving them positive thoughts, memories or fantasies. Other highlights are John C. Reilly's Yoda shirt, Rob Riggle reduced to tears and Lumberjack Ferrell's massive boner. All really incredible items here.

"Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale!"

It's an important scene that showcases Brennan's natural but shy singing talent as well as both step brothers need for juvenilism over the professionalism that just suffocates their spirits. It's an emotional high point that not only brings the main two characters down to earth but also puts every other character into a greater frame of mind. Basically the song is powerful enough for Ferrel to Deus Ex Machina the entire cast. Spect-fucking-acular.

Now for a slightly legitimate list of what probably should be the greatest endings of this Millennium in no order with absolutely no explanation: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight (2008), No Country for Old Men (2007), Slumdog Millionaire (2008), Brokeback Mountain (2005), The Departed (2006), Training Day (2001), Gladiator (2000), Iron Man (2008), for kicks, Memento (2000) and A History of Violence (2005). Let that simmer for a while.

I was reading a lot of different articles trying to come up with this list (clearly I used none of them), but one of them mentioned Batman Begins (2005). Now, while this is a very good ending, I want to take a moment to distinguish this sort of "Blueballs Ending" from an actually legitimately good finale. This is the kind of cliff-drop ending that really only tricks you with anticipation for the next film in the franchise, leaving you only with the impression that the movie you just saw was good. Hence the following: The Matrix Reloaded (2003), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006), X2: X-Men United (2003) and the first two Spider-Man films ('04 and '07).

So only a month left then we have a whole new Decade to sink our dicks into! Let's hope for more of these astounding knock-out endings. Then I woke up.

Terminator 4 and the Blessid Failure of Major Franchises

Today we see the release of one of the most disappointing movies of 2009 on DVD, Blu-ray and presumably VHS, Terminator 4: Shitstorm. T4 just about blew all opportunities to be a great film, from the missed major themes to the general dumbness of the basic plot. I actually had some enjoyment watching it, mostly for really nailing the gritty apocalyptic world and some cool effects on Sammy Worthington's half-man half-robot battle damage. All in all, though really an incredibly bad movie.

But what's sweet is that this didn't kill the franchise. That honour is of course reserved for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003). In essence, the series can never be ruined now, because T3 already ruined it years ago. We can all rest easy. But what went wrong, and is that a bad thing?

Let's travel back to 1991. T2 is incredible as a genuinely good action film. I contend that the computer-generated imagery still looks good today (even against T4). The plot, the fights, "Hasta la Vista" (what fucking kids actually said that in the early '90s as an actual slang term before that movie?), everything is instantly iconic. I think one of the biggest achievements that many people tend to forget these days is the first act twist that the evil Terminator from the first movie is the protector of the second. Leading up all the way to that mall hallway scene audiences had no idea who was what, which is sweet. James Cameron in his prime, awesome, kick-ass.

T3 in many regards is a good action movie. It's just really not Terminator good. Nothing is really incredibly groundbreaking (although I do think that Arnie's late battle damage face is pretty damn good [#24 what]). There's also some sweet naked babe re-entries, graveyard fight and Elton John glasses. That's about it. It sucked because nothing special really happened, although it progressed the story in a natural, decent if not great way. The biggest thing that marred it was probably a public's obsession with nostalgia for Schwarzenegger and atmosphere (funny, it seems Skynet in T4 wanted to kill John Connor with the same ideas). T3 lowered expectations for T4, and T4 lowered our expectations for any more of these monstrosities (which we'll definitely see in this Millennium or the next).

It's very difficult for franchises to keep going after the core story is set. Oftentimes characters or situations end up just becoming a parody of themselves (see John McClane in Die Hard: With a Vengeance 1995). What's sweet is that when franchises are ruined there's no where to go but up, mostly in the form of re-boot / re-make / re-imagining whatever. James Bond is pretty famous for doing these about once a decade (thank you Martin Campbell). Considering that Quantum of Solace (2008) was a little on the weak side, I expect another slippery downfall pretty soon. Don't worry though, the franchise was already ruined by Die Another Day (2002), wait...I meant The World is Not Enough (1999), or no, no A View to a Kill (1985), no shit, definitely You Only Live Twice (1967). The sweet thing about the franchise is that for every License to Kill (1989) you've got a GoldenEye (1995), for every Die Another Day a Casino Royale (2006). The Bond Series can never be ruined. It's been ruined literally dozens of times before. Many franchises are like this.

Godzilla is notable for pretty much throwing in the towel at their third film, then proceeding to make twenty-five more. See also Spider-Man 3, on pace for the same result. I shouldn't even have to mention Indiana Jones...yeah that movie lost me at gophers way before refrigerators. And now Indiana Jones can never be ruined. How about that?!

Some studios though are on incredible hot streaks. Pixar's had an incredible fourteen-year, ten film streak that never ceases to astound me. Likewise Marvel Studio's self-produced films have been very good so far with much more in development. Unfortunately this creates a pretty high standard to live up to. The glass hasn't broken yet. The other foot's gotta fall and it's gonna fall hard. Shit. You've got to love a series like Terminator that blows away any hope of redemption instantly in favour of shitty shitty storytelling and failure to innovate after remolding the entire industry. Such spectacular failure surely funds the next re-boot or whatever happens that can then be truly great. Beware an excellent franchise, their eventual failure will be spectacular. Shitty films are where the true genius lies. Somehow I can follow this logic.

Of course you've also got a series like Transformers that instantly starts out shitty and then goes downhill from there. Now, Michael Bay may be on to something here, if the third installment is somehow incredibly good and blows away all kinds of expectations, he will be forever praised as a golden god walking among mere mortals and I'm sure will be granted an instant Oscar. It's all about the expectations. We'll see, dear readers, we'll see.

Best TV Movie Line Edits

A few days ago I had the privilege of watching The Matrix (1999) on AMC as part of some moronic Prisoner-themed weekend. Anyway, eventually I got to a censored line in the film that I nearly forgot was coming, but still cracks me up everytime. After Neo is bugged and La Trinidad sucks the shitter out of his tummy button Keanu exclaims "Jeepers Creepers, that thing's real?!" It gets me everytime, it's just so so stupid, Neo reacts like a sixty-year old farmer seeing locusts had aten his crops (The true line being "Jesus Christ, that thing's real?!").

So this got me thinking about some other TV Line Edits amongst our favourite movies. It's a pretty special kind of censorship that just decides to dub over the original dialogue, not necessarily even with accurate substitute words (i.e. "shoot" for "shit," something like that) but rather with completely new phrasing that should slightly alter the original intent (and in some extreme cases create plot holes). So, with Neo's line at #5, I wanted to countdown the Top Five Greatest TV Movie Line Edits (hopefully by this point you're reading my "Top Five Greatest" simply as the first five I thought of). I could not for the life of me find the Jeepers Creepers edit, but enjoy Neo offering Smith a Flipper:



#4: "Find a Stranger in the Alps"

From The Big Lebowski (1998), a movie filled to the brim with dirty words, nothing capitulates Walter Sobchak's feelings of theft and betrayal like finding a stranger in the alps ("fucking a stranger in the ass). It's an extreme non sequitur that verily makes less sense than the film it finds itself in. Enjoy Comedy Central's interpretation here:


Big Lebowski - Dude, Do You See What Happens????? Do You????? - For more of the funniest videos, click here

#3: "I've had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this monday-to-friday plane!"

I already embedded this video here, but enjoy it again, dammit. From Snakes on a Plane (2006), a movie ludicrously re-written and re-filmed to cater to an online community of half a dozen kids who wanted a dirtier movie, this was the fabled line of 2006. Sam Jackson delivers it with so much righteous anger and justification that had originally transmogrified an abyssmally sucky film into just a sucky film. This kind of power should not be tampered with. Also notable is the censor's replacement of the same naughty word (motherfucker) with both "monkey-fighting" and "monday-to-friday." Brilliant time had by all.

Courtesy of F/X, anyone else think of Kremlings as Monkey-Fighting Snakes when he says this? I know I do.



#2: "Eating Pineapple."

There's a few legendary lines in the TV Edit of Scarface (1983) but the best is the "eating pineapple" ("eating pussy") line mostly because it actually makes a bit of sense that if Tony Montana tried to eat a pineapple, skin and all he might get his face scarred up. Just Sayin'. Here is a side-by-side comparison of quite a few lines in this filthy, filthy movie:



#1: Yippee Ki-Ay Mister Falcon

Undoubtedly the most famous censorship of all time, John McClane's signature line, "Yippee Ki-Ay Motherfucker," in the original Die Hard is an incredible moment, simultaneously acknowledging Hans Gruber's degradation of him as an ignorant American Cowboy and transforming it into his greatest character strength holding his own disdain for the cultured yet evil German elite. Somehow this just became his catchphrase throughout the Quadrilogy, each time used to a lesser effect, to the point of Live Free or Die Hard (2007) where he self-censors with gunshot.

None of this compares to Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) in which the line is insanely dubbed over as "Yippee Ki-Ay Mister Falcon." Who Mr. Falcon is we never find out, much to my own disdain. After some I figure McClane and Captain Falcon were just old buddies or something, McClane never realising he was promoted to Captain. Clearly, such a dubbing is worthy of legend almost as great as the original. Right.

There are some other great lines in this video, but fast forward to about 2:00 for the clincher, courtesy of the TBS Superstation:



So, let us now enjoy the hilarious censorship while we can before cable and HBO dominate with their foul language and terminal allowance of blood and sex. Oh the endless shame when there is such opportunity for making fun of people. Tears me up inside. Good morrow.