Because it was on TV: Diminishing Reasons for Watching the Walking Dead

If you're fan of AMC's The Walking Dead, you're one of many fans who waver every week between extreme thrill, frustration, and like heroin, an addiction that is proving more hazardous to your health than the payoff high. In the past two weeks the show, which has pushed effects, gore, and liberal character shields since its start, has deleted two if the best reasons for watching. Needless to say, many SPOILERS for both the Walking Dead comics and Season Two follow.

While it had some initial success, The Walking Dead in its most recent half-season of Season 2 has become one of the most watched shows ever on Cable Television. This is after years of an intricate, successful, and on-going comic run. There have been deviations certainly between the show and comic, one notably was the character of Shane, partner and rival of main dude Rick. In the comics Shane was offed pretty early on, by Rick's son, Carl protecting his pappy. In the comic world of Walking Dead, though, people tend to die all the time and through its run the only real mainstays have turned out to be Rick and Carl. The Show has had less of a turnover, at least until the last couple weeks of this season.

Shane lasted much longer on the television show, and has proven to be one of the most reliable characters. That is, not reliable in the story (of course), but his character, as acted by Joe Bernthal, is one of the more consistent and less stupid of anyone on screen. After the torrid first half that was spent whining and weeping over this lost girl, who was probably dead, Shane was the only one to think "Well, this little cunt is probably dead." That little cunt as it would turn out, was actually dead. Shane is the only character with any backbone.

The main opposition to Shane had always been the old man Dale, who among all the chaos had always held a consistent positive belief in Humanity. Through the bulk of "Judge, Jury, Executioner" (S2,E11), he serves as literally the only moral compass left in the group, the only one clinging to a faith in the good of people. This episode seems to counter this belief. The innocence and naïveté of Carl, who toys with and then refuses to shoot a Zombie trapped in some mud, as well as Dale's own curiosity and lack of a guard directly leads to his death. In light of this it seems as though Shane's philosophy should win.

Shane believes that the world has become cruel and humanity must in turn become cruel to deal with it. He's a Darwinist, capitalist, and an all-around badass. He is no longer trying to save humanity but rather to save a very select few, for personal and selfish reasons. He also tends to walk around looking like he's about to rape somebody. As amoral as he is, he has a consistent and well-articulated belief system and should have served as opposition to Dale in more of a Jack / Locke sense from LOST than they really found room to in this show.

Looking around at other character philosophies is difficult. Carol is effectively completely useless and should be a corpse in the making. Ditto with T-Dog. Who yes, is still apparently the only Black Man in Georgia, and the only one to have a racial nickname that everyone else uses all the time. This is despite the comics' rich collection of fleshed out and important Black Characters. Carl is from what I can tell, basically autistic, although that may just be the acting. Glenn, always a backer of Dale and someone who believed in the good in people suddenly seems to only care about getting his dick wet, which somehow makes him less focused on protecting his girl, Maggie, who wavers between protecting her family and helping strangers constantly. Andrea is suicidal, but clearly inconsistent with that belief as well. I have no idea why Daryl is still around, he's clearly the only one who would be fine on his own and has no strong attachment to anyone in the group any longer. Even visions of his brother, who Rick left to die, suggest the same. While this is going on, his philosophy is largely unsaid, he's more of a weapon or tool that the others use to hunt Zombies, and not much else goes on in his head it would seem.

Hershel is interesting because he was clearly of the "Good in Humanity" side, even after that Humanity turned into Walkers. Shane effectively broke his once-firm resolve, though, destroying the patriarch of the land they are squatting on and making a clear path for Rick to become the unquestioned leader. Well, unquestioned outside of Shane. Rick is the worst offender out of anyone here. Ditto with Lori. What do they really want? It's almost impossible to tell. There isn't anything compelling about his character. It's a more believable character that he doesn't know what to do in some circumstances, but staggering to believe that he doesn't know what to do in ANY circumstance, or why anyone should follow his leadership. He rarely at any given point during A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE even has any idea where his only son is. Lori also seems to waver on the idea of either saving herself and immediate family or looking out for the good of the group. They can't seem to understand, like Shane does, the possibility that these concepts are mutually exclusive or conversely like Dale does that they are not. There is no strong conviction between any of these characters.

So Dale is killed and that should have set up this great moral choice for Rick to perhaps, fill his shoes, despite the strong evidence that Shane's way of life is the new way of the world. If Rick were a strong character he could defend this proposition, build a side around himself and work to honour Dale's memory. Instead he's classically wishy-washy. When faced with Execution at Shane's hands, he convinces Shane to drop his guard, to have faith in him, as he has tried to do ever since he came back. In this moment, he's actually convinced Shane to have a little more faith in the Good of Humanity int he face of Armageddon. At this Rick reveals that he's really on Shane's side of the Morality Argument - that protecting an individual is more important than the survival of the group (losing Shane is losing someone who was actually training Carl, Andrea, a solid workhorse, and an ultimate defender of the homestead), as well as confidence in a higher morality or humanity. Shane's face as he dies is one of utter disbelief because of the viewpoint bait-and-switch Rick has just pulled. It's astounding. As Shane dies he must think, "So does the only integrity in this new world..."

It's a bold move. Shane and Dale were some of the only characters worth watching. No one else is really that captivating. At this point there isn't a tremendous amount of reasons to turn in again. It seems that the producers had planned for Shane's exit since Season 2 began, but they still offed him too early. He's far too much of an interesting character to die at all, really, as one of the few who knew Rick before the Apocalypse, and the focal point for not only so many storylines, but for so much of the philosophy, authenticity, and compelling moments of the show. His ghost will live on whenever Rick looks at Laurie's Baby, wondering if it is his or Shane's (of course, in the comics, those two didn't last much longer either, so who knows).

Despite its continuously clunky dialogue, incessantly stupid characters, and plodding, dopey plot that never seems to find any footing, The Walking Dead has managed a Golden Globe nomination, a third season, and a loyal fanbase, mostly filled up with people like me who just waited for Shane to scowl and off someone in any given episode. Now that that aspect is missing how will they recover? Rumours abound of The Governor being the Big Bad for Season 3. Will Rick be any more compelling without a hand? I hope so.

First Impressions: John Carter

It is looking like we'll look back on this weekend as a rather infamous one in box office history. Maybe. After months of Disney giving the world a clinic in terrible advertising, John Carter (2012) landed, stumbled, and fell to a fiery, crocodile-filled death. Coming in around $30 million right now on a reported $250 million budget, it seems fairly painful. This is a shame because John Carter is a great piece of sci-fi that deserves more than that.

The issue comes right down to the last minute title change. What was once John Carter of Mars (2012) became John Carter, because recent pics with "Mars" in the title like the atrocious Mars Needs Moms (2011) did poorly. Mars Needs Moms did not do poorly because of the "Mars," folks, there are hundreds of reasons for that one. It's unfortunate because it's based on a lesser known, century-old literary property that has inspired many science fiction works since and its massive bombing surely leads to the specious reasoning that more movies "from the Hasbro company that brought you Transformers" need to happen. Atrocious.

So let's get to it. First of all, for some reason we have a little mini-reunion from the cast of X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) with Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) and Silverfox (Lynn Collins) taking the leads here. Kitsch seems to very much still be in Gambit mode, from the scowl to the rebel independence and even the hair. He's almost a spin on a classic heroic archetype, though. He's ultimately an anti-hero with suppressed altruistic qualities that take their sweet time in bubbling to the surface. He's grim but with a natural playful quality that prevents him from entering Worthington or Bale territory. He's a fine hero, unsure of himself, makes some big mistakes (occasionally comical and trope-shifting), but ultimately saves the day.

Lynn Collins was pretty hot in Wolverine, but she really flexes her Babe Potential here. I can't go on enough about how hot this chick is, with a few down-shirt shots, one pretty good spinning butt shot, and some pokey nipples in one scene. Beyond the perversion though, she's also a great strong female character. The movie is interesting actually, in that since Carter is from the mid-19th Century South, he naturally begins to treat her as a defenseless maiden and is willing to step in and defend her. Mars seems to be progressive, though, with huge Babe Armies and Lynn as Dejah Thoris is more than capable of defending herself. She also regrets her own revealing wardrobe, which is notably something that Leia never did. She's a babe, but more importantly she does stuff - her character is actually important independent of the male protagonist (and antagonist) and has her own fleshed out needs, desires, abilities, and capabilities. Where's the last Sci-Fi Flick to really have that?

I was also impressed that the movie had a huge race full of alien, reptile things who had females and those females didn't have titties. Yes, I'm glad they didn't - so often there's some kind of Bird People or Lizard People who have these big fat titties for no reason at all. It doesn't make any sense. Of course, if John Carter didn't fulfill the need to see great titties all the time through Lynn Collins' presence, this would have been much more infuriating. It's just another thing that this film does very well. And I don't mean to be sexist but as a dude titties ARE great and it influences what movies I see constantly. Never bet against the pervert dollar.

So anyway, beyond those two the rest of the cast is solid. There is the requisite amount of motion capture performances, but they all feel pretty authentic, and the visual effects and scope are top-notch. It's got a lot of people who have shown up before, like that Asshole Captain from The Matrix Reloaded (2003), that douchebag from Resident Evil (2001), and the Spy Kid who I think of more now from World's Greatest Dad (2009), which is weird to picture now. Bryan Cranston shows up as a Badass Union Colonel and Mark Strong plays a bad guy! Unbelievable, folks!

There's a lot to this that just feels like a classic sci-fi experience. It's all New Sincerity. There isn't a lot of pain or grit here. It would seem an ample opportunity to introduce waves upon waves of eager, spendthrift youth. It's a space adventure without the spaceships, and an easy-to-swallow premise with archetypal but fresh characters. There's just enough of everything here - big battles, fine pacing, mysteries that actually get solved neatly, and even some penance for the lead character, as Mark Strong says, he's really not that bright.

It's been far too long since a nice Sci-Fi ended on a feel-good wedding, which this almost does, which (SPOILER) doesn't end the film and instead naturally and logically dooms Carter into relaxing his guard and delaying his banging of Lynn Collins another thirteen years. The film strikes a fair tone through plenty of humour, badass big fights, and a good dose of drama. It takes its characters and premise seriously, even if it doesn't always take the same care with its narrative, providing for a more flexible, easy-going flow throughout its running time.

Now, having said all that, there are some issues here. For one, there is a ton of new shit to remember and they hit you with it about right of the bat. After years of Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings, and Chronicles of Riddick, and Star Trek, and Battlestar Galactica, it's tough to be assaulted suddenly with a swarm of new terms, languages, races, and civilisations. Still, you can get by with the just of it and once the movie starts jogging smoothly it flows naturally. It helps that the only planet is Mars, and the people really boil down to Red, Blue, Green. Fair 'nuff.

This brings us to what may be the most significant problem with adapting a 100-year old story, though. When A Princess of Mars was written in 1917 by Eddie Burrows, Mars was this far-off, mysterious planet that we knew a bit about but our imaginations were still able to run wild and picture this landscape. Star Wars and other stuff can work because it's happening in this firmly fictional, far off place. Even stuff like Minority Report (2002) that is set in the future has that going for it. Some of the wonder of Mars is gone now that we've actually, you know, been there. We know that none of that stuff up there is possible, so it takes quite a suspension of disbelief to achieve.

This is arguable. The fact that Muppets aren't real on Planet Earth didn't ruin The Muppets (2011). Still, there is something about presenting such a fantastic location that in in the past century has become much less fantastic that is lost in the set-up to this flick. We need to believe that this could be the Mars of Burrows or C.S. Lewis and in that regard the film doesn't quite match the imagination of a pre-Space Era.

Still, with an open mind and a willingness to get some spectacle and adventure, John Carter is an immensely satisfying film. It's a positive experience, with hot chicks, big monsters, big battles, and a fairly likeable Gambit-like Hero. With that on a movie poster it may have actually sold a ticket.

Profiles: Jonah Hill - Getting Skinner & Getting Better

Jonah Hill has become a big actor suddenly. He's actually due for an impressive first half of the year coming off an Academy Award nomination for Moneyball (2011), actually looking entertaining in the upcoming 21 Jump Street (2012), and looking part of an ensemble A-list comedian class for this summer's Neighborhood Watch (2012), the trailer for which just came out.

So how did this little chunky virgin turn into the hot Hollywood property? Half a decade ago he was a staple of terrible but cult-ish slapstick comedies and now he's the talk of the town. There is an obvious correlation here that as he has gotten skinnier he has also become less stupid. We'll have to get into what that means for comedians as well, as often, as Jonah put it himself in Funny People (2009), no one wants to laugh at a physically fit man.

Jonah The Fat Virgin: 2006 - 2007

Jonah has had plenty of smaller roles, mostly in big comedies. For the purposes of this profile though, we'll stick to his culturally significant roles. And yes, for us that starts with Grandma's Boy (2006), one of his first larger speaking roles. For a while it seemed as though Jonah as the equivalent to this guy, just a fat nerdy kid who would awkwardly pop in places. I don't understand why Grandma's Boy is so great while all the other Happy Madison productions have been so terrible. In both this and Accepted (2006) he plays the same kind of weird, awkward kid but definitively the straight man to some of the crazier characters. Although he did get his first 13-hour boobie suck. Still he exhibits this kind of dry snide humour throughout that he would overplay in later roles.

As this time period progresses we have Knocked Up (2007), where he was really just part of Seth Rogen's buddy group, and probably the least developed out of any of them. After that though we have what will likely be forever be the definitive Jonah Hill role, Superbad (2007). He plays perfectly between that Fat Virgin and the Beta Male trying desperately to be an Alpha. To Michael Cera's extremely straight character, Jonah was also finally able to express his wilder range outside of just the sarcastic but otherwise quiet and sheltered fat kid. Both of these films introduced the potential of Jonah appearing in...well, everything.

Jonah The Bit-Player turned Leading Man: 2007 - 2010

For the next few years Jonah had some bit parts in plenty of Apatovian Comedies, and some are kind of memorable. He had had this kind of distinction with appearances in "blink or you'll miss them" kind of roles in flicks like The 40-Year Old Virgin (2005) and Click (2006), but as an important yet small part of the ensemble Walk-Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007), he really showed that he has the confidence to become more than he was. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) was the same kind of story, although that film is fantastically better. He's a solid contributor here and moving away from both either the confident nerd or the Fat Virgin into more of a well-rounded actor. In Funny People he continued this development in playing some kind of hipster comedian, although his purpose serves more as an alternative to Seth Rogen's storyline that defines that character more than his own.

I should mention Strange Wildnerness (2008), which is underrated as one of the worst movies of all time. It's this weird amalgamation of Happy Madison, Broken Lizard, and Apatovian Comedians that isn't pulled off at all. Jonah plays an off-the-wall hillbilly character who has no purpose at all. It's really something we should all forget. Immediately.

Towards the middle of 2010 Jonah started finding his career taking off, or at least being considered for some big parts. Get Him to the Greek (2010), the Forgetting Sarah Marshall spinoff, features a role arguably bigger than Superbad, although thankfully not with his original character. He moved on from playing naïve young high schooler to naïve young professional. The same year he starred in a slight departure from his typical films with Cyrus (2010), which was like transpotting the signature weird Jonah character into a more dramatic scenario. Cyrus above everything else probably proved his resume good enough for Moneyball.

Jonah The Trim Jim: 2011 - Present

Although Jonah slimed down in 2011, the movies he made when he was fat were still coming out, but they got better and better for him. That said, his animated television project, Allen Gregory absolutely fell on its face. That show was awful and lasted half a season on FOX before it got the axe.

So we come to Moneyball. Actually Jonah in Moneyball is like a more sober version of the character he played in Get Him to the Greek. He's a young professional learning the ropes and trying hard to prove himself and impress his much-more famous boss (P. Diddy / Brad Pitt). Again, he's having success by taking his downtrodden, sarcastic and witty character into different film territory.

A few months later he had his first solo vehicle, The Sitter (2011). I didn't see The Sitter. It looked pretty funny, where Jonah played an extremely selfish and sex-obsessed babysitter. It was a nice little comedy, although possibly more into Fat Virgin territory than anything that moved Jonah forward. Still, the fact that he can now carry a movie in production is something. Superbad was fueled by literally everyone else involved, from Apatow to Cera, and Get Him to the Greek was more a chance for Russell Brand to document his life than anything else.



Jonah was first able to show off his new tight bod in the above Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 (2011) commercial. I'm wondering how what kind of persona Jonah has settled on. He's not really the helpless nerd, nor the aggressive Beta anymore. He seems to be filling a gap for some kind of fully capable yet endearingly sarcastic eternal rookie who gets himself in all kinds of zany hijinks. 21 Jump Street (2011) opens up in a few weeks as another installment in the Jonah wrinkle. It seems like he's basically turning into a respectable actor, but using his youth to his best ability. As the pounds keep dropping it seems like he's no where to go but up.