Summer Jam Week 8: Even Worse

It's a monumental week, folks! School is caput - High Schoolers are graduating and yes, all your friends are getting married. It's a wild time to be alive, and since Zeus is cranking the thermostat, it's time to cool off with some slick chill Summer Jams. We're really settling into a gang of four or five summer stallwarts now - who is going to emerge on top? Keep reading, folks.

Hot Jam of the Week: "Something Bad" by Miranda Lambert ft. Carrie Underwood



I'm really not a country fan. Any long time reader of this column should know that I like to present a solid mix of alt rock, chicky pop, and gangsta rap - but I generally shy away from Country. It's just complete anathema to me. But yeah, "Something Bad" is a legit track, and follows more in that recent Taylor Swift tradition of more pop-infused country jams. There's never been a more convincing duo in sexiness in the history of the world here, and this does strangely feel simultaneously like a classic country jam and a much more mainstream pop ballad. But Country is mainstream, right? Hot Jam.

Ride My Bicycle: "Best Friend" by Foster the People

I'm really torn by Foster the People, because they had their hugest jam with "Pumped Up Kicks", which was really a lovely track, but they've got so many other spectacular songs. This one probably falls somewhere along with "Coming of Age" in that it doesn't totally reach as high as they can go. But it's got lots of room to catch on and make some Summer Waves. And that vid's trippy as hell.

Two is Good: "2 On" by Tinashe ft. Schoolboy Q

This song was actually in my head all week. I really like its intro that blends into Tinashe's sweet vocals and Schoolboy Q has proven himself an excellent addition to any track. It's kind of too much of a mimicry of Jhene Aiko, who can out-coo any other sister out there right now, but I can still dig it.

Graduation Anthem: "Hangover" by PSY ft. Snoop Dogg

This was another track that got stuck in my head all week this week. It's a fitting anthem to all the life events that inspire drunken antics this time of year and it's also a really funny video and song. It's rewarding both to see PSY doing anything besides "Gangnam Style" as well as Snoop dishing out some pretty heavy doses of doofiness. Solid. I'm not sure if this is actually getting airplay or not, but it sure gets a lot of lifeplay from me.

Mr. Anderson: "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith

Our boy Sammy is blowing up right now and he's somewhat been proving himself more than just another forlorn white boy in the crowd. This has really got some weight to it that's nice to unwind to after that hangover caused by PSY and Snoop. It's the Hangunder track of the summer, folks.

Oh Look - Summer: "Summer" by Calvin Harris

I called this our Hot Jam way back in Week 1 and now it finally seems like this is actually taking off as a good little Summer Jam. Maybe not so little - it's popping at just the right time to go on a serious run at the whole damn thing. I think that Iggy and Iggy especially are peaking right now, and this could very well be the heir apparent. Keep two eyes and three ears on this one, folks.

Spendiferous: "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea ft. Charlie XCX

I think that "Fancy" has crested, although I've been saying that for the past three weeks or so. It's losing a bit of its novelty and getting pretty dangerously close to overplayed status, or at least "not hot" status, and as a result, I may have to take an axe to it next week. This week, though, it still reigns. Well, almost but for -

None I Can See: "Problem" by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea

It was a bit of a toss-up this week until the iHeart Radio show this week that really catapulted it to the top. I think all that iHeart crap is kind of bullshit, but to see Ariana live you really get a feel for that voice, even if her style and dancing is still the most typical pop bullshit ever. Still, this song is an earworm, and by now it's committed a pretty fair case for its inclusion as a serious Summer Jam contender come September. Unless we fall in love when the leaves turn brown.

Next week...

I like getting a glimpse of Shakira's "Empire" this week, even if it landed a while ago, and I was also looking at Charlie XCX's "Boom Clap," although I'm not sure she's as strong a soloist as a hook singer. Anyway, "Fancy" could launch her, but I'll restrain a little before announcing it as a Hot Jam. Stay tuned folks, this is getting really good.

The Road to a Blockbuster: That's Right. Robot Dinosaurs.

Another Summer Friday is upon us, and so it comes time once again to assess the latest big, crass, loud marketing giant that has struck our screens trying to become the next big blockbuster. As always, we are curious of not only a film's commercial potential, but its critical and most importantly, cultural potential as well. This late June weekend is particularly of note, because it usually features crazy big openers like a Pixar film or the last three Transformers films. And we've got one more of the latter this weekend, Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014).

To be fair, this is the greatest trailer money shot of all time.

There are a few things on my mind when noting the release of this beast. Okay, there are many, many things. Let's start at what's most pertinent - the fact that the Transformers movie series have become this sort of poster child for everything that's wrong with the modern blockbuster. They're an "updated" re-hash of a mildly popular but culturally significant 80s property (that was originally created mostly to sell toys), they're generally big, loud, stupid, and incomprehensible in nearly every way, from plot to the actual visuals on screen, and finally, they're so massively damn popular that Hollywood can's top cranking them out. When watching a Transformers movie it's hard to even believe that it's real sometimes. This mostly falls on Revenge of the Fallen (2009). Why would Rainn Wilson or Ramon Rodriguez's characters ever act the way they do? They're cartoons. How can the Twins can exist in a movie that came out in 2009 without anyone along the process saying "wait, stop, this is pretty racist"? Megan Fox motorcycle ass. It's astonishing that this was a $400 million meal ticket.

A lot of this typifying criticism is pretty fair - but it's also important to note how much these films get right - by being exactly what they need to be. That happens to be mass marketed 14-year old boy "TOTALLY AWESOME!!!1!!1@!!" material - but they do a spectacular job at that, which isn't necessarily an easy feat. Let's take the sorts of films that were trying to hit that demographic last year - the big loud, stupid films. Pacific Rim (2013) was a bit loud, smart film that domestically earned about a third that Transformers (2007) did. Man of Steel (2013) and Elysium (2013) were plagued by the kind of self-seriousness that Transformers movies shrug off in favor of unadulterated awesomeness, and they also didn't make the kind of money Transformers does. Man of Steel came close - but it could really be considered a cultural failure based on how poorly it was received by serious moviegoers. Now, no serious film lover loves a Transformers movie, but at least they're not really trying to be loved. After that we get into pretty rough R.I.P.D. (2013) territory and stuff, that neither took itself seriously, nor made any attempt at intelligence but failed in every sense of the word. It's not easy to make a good loud dumb movie. Mike Bay can do it.

Age of Extinction has sort of snuck under the radar, though, surprising as that may seem. It's not like it has a ton of competition - last summer in particular was grotesquely overloaded with some big movie every weekend clamouring for people to see it - as a result, things like The Lone Ranger (2013) didn't feel all that urgent and got lost in the shuffle. This year Age of Extinction has nothing in its way. What's on its heels, Think Like a Man Too (2014)? And next week is Tammy (2014)? These aren't necessarily in direct competition with a giant Robots Smash flick. But yet, the marketing has been really subdued for this one. I'm not sure I even cared that much or realized what we had on our hands until Optimus rode a fucking Dinosaur during the Super Bowl then suddenly it was "What the hell is this? THAT'S FOUR MONTHS FROM NOW?"

So, why is there this nonchalant air? Perhaps it's the nature of the "soft reboot," which is a term that I love. It's kind of insane. It's like supposing that anyone actually cared about Shia LaBeouf's story from the first trilogy. Or cared about the story at all from the first trilogy. I mean, I do. Repeatedly. But I'm an insane person. Transormers 2 was the first damn movie I ever reviewed for this site. But Age of Extinction has thrown out (presumably) a lot of the crap that came before it in favor of a slight redesign of the incoherent robots and a whole new cast.

And actually, this all looks fantastic. I mean, you upgrade Shia to Mark Wahlberg? I'm sold. Whether he does this on purpose or not, Mark actually has the perfect blend of a serious character just struggling to hide the ridiculousness of his situation through an over-the-top sincerity to the stupid. Just listen to his delivery of one of the dumber lines from the trailer. It's incredible. Michael Bay already used this talent to aplomb in Pain & Gain (2013), although I still struggle with whether or not that movie was supposed to be genuine or ironic. I just can't tell with these idiots, which makes it fun. Humans = improvement.

Now let's talk robots. Not only will this film feature the Dinobots, which look stunning and ridiculous and fantastically shooting dead-eye towards that 14-year old boy love, but the redesign of all the robots themselves actually seems a bit cleaner and more coherent. That's a huge positive for this series. It's maybe a bit cartoonier, but if it makes the action easier to follow, it's an incredible achievement. It makes me wonder why they don't just ditch elements like this that weren't working for the first three movies. So robots = improvement.

So, again - why so mild a buzz? I think it has something to do with Dark of the Moon (2011). That film could really be considered the most complete Transformers film in terms of the themes it developed, the tone being mastered, and the characters being realized. Before that appears like a trolling statement, it's not to say that it really excels in any of this stuff, but for a Transformers film, it's the most complete. Bay almost seems to have crafted it as a darker and more serious reaction to the zany hijinks of Revenge of the Fallen, even if it's still not like, Chris Nolan serious. But not only is it a pretty fun summer film, but it's got some real stakes, real drama, and some attitude. It also has this air of finality to it, which makes another victory lap, as cool as Mark Wahlberg and Dinobots are, seem unnecessary.

It's kind of the same deal as The Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011). It really has no cultural cache because no one gave a shit about it when it came out. It's like trying to jerk off more after you've already shot your load. It just chafes, man. At World's End (2007) had that same kind of finality that Dark of the Moon had - that these characters' stories were complete and our time in this world had been really satisfying. On Stranger Tides added exciting but ultimately unnecessary characters and a plot that was more a re-hash without any real significance. Pop quiz hotshot - what's the general story outlook for Age of Extinction? Who's the villain? What's at stake? Fucking aliens, I guess, that's my only answer. Despite Mark and Dinosaurs, nothing has really been communicated as a thoughtful and meaningful reason to see this film. I think it may end up like On Stranger Tides - maybe a strong international success, but even three years out, everyone's forgotten about it.

And who the fuck is this guy?

I don't really think that any of my normal predictions are difficult. How much money will this make? Probably not the crazy $400 million mark, although the road is pretty much paved in their favor for a while. Even when we get into the neck of July, if you're looking at the kind of big, loud blockbusters that Transformers complete with, you've basically got Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) and uhh...that's it. The key question is whether or not people will actually care, which I think will come from more a novelty standpoint than anything substantial. Critically, this is almost guaranteed a drubbing, or the best it can hope for: "Good...for a Michael Bay movie." Finally, what will the cultural appreciation be for this film?

This is an interesting question, especially this summer where we've suddenly gotten all these retrospectives from other legendary summers. I mean, just look at '84. The cultural density of these flicks, especially the trio of Temple of Doom, Gremlins, and Ghostbusters is palpable. Will we care about Age of Extinction in 2044? Really, think about that - it sounds so far away, 2044. Will we give a shit about Dinobots? I'm not sure why no one ever thinks about these things, or maybe you do - leave a comment! I'm going to say, though, that in 2044 we'll be more excited for the latest blockbuster, Moon Knight 3: The Moonening of Khonshu (2044) than anything produced way back in these "Obamanite Years."

Actually the third Moon Knight movie will probably come out waaay before 2044. Age of Extinction lands today. What do you think?

Summer Jam Week 7: OK, Go Eazy

If you've somehow turned your eyes away from the World Cup (who are we kidding, Americans, it's just background noise until you hear an announcer excited about a goal), you may be really getting into the Summer Jams this week - with this weekend bringing us the First Day of Summer in a cosmic, seasonal sense, and this being the last week of school for many young whippersnappers out there, it's do or die time for any Summer Jam attempting to become THE big Song of Summer 2014. I think our contenders are pretty set. Let's dive in, shall we?

Hot Jam of the Week: "The Writing's on the Wall" by OK Go



The words "ultimate mind-blower" get thrown around a lot these days, but without hyperbole, OK Go pulls off another insane practical single-take music video that looks like an extreme pain to set up but amazing for us, the viewer. Like most of their tracks, the song itself isn't really anything special - I mean, it's a fun light alt pop-rock jam, but it would probably be ignored if not for how cool all the forced perspective and practical camera tricks of this video are. I actually can't stop watching it. It's very cool. Summer Jam? I dunno, this is really made for visual rather than audial consumption, but it is easy listening that's pretty rad. Go!

That Big Fat Butt: "Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg

This feels like an older Snoop song - like "Beautiful" or "That's That Shit" (and yes, I can't believe I now consider those to be "older Snoop songs" but jeez, it's like 10 years ago) - it's got that nice ring of misogyny to it that I feel like most rappers can't get away with anymore. It's phenomenally stupid, and Derulo is a tool, but it's also a pretty catchy tune and it took off a bit this week. Still, did Snoop give up on Reggae already? He's still got the dreads, so that's something.

Cartography Lesson: "Maps" by Maroon 5

I get really torn over Maroon 5. Sometimes I really dig their stuff, like "One More Night" or "Misery" but I can't stand drek like "Moves Like Jagger" or "Payphone." I guess I just dislike their more pop-oriented jams, but as any reader of this column can tell, I don't normally have an issue at all with pop music. Anyway, "Maps" is their attempt at 2014 relevancy after not really doing much for a while. It's a fair song, but I can't say it grabs my brain and melts it like some other songs this week. It ought to get enough airplay just from being their next big attempt, but I imagine it flares out after some time.

Dangle Dangle: "Chandelier" by Sia

As far as chandelier-themed songs go, I kid of favor B.o.B., but this rad, too. The video is peculiar - simultaneously intense and irreverent, and it's backed by a slowly building powerful jam that's probably a little better of a song than it deserves to be. But boy is it fun and bouncy. Not actually appearing in this video is a bold move for Sia, who doesn't really have widespread name or facial recognition, yet. As a result I don't think it will take off that much, despite it being slightly more pertinent than the typical summer pop smash. We'll see how it does off of airplay.

The Next Brokaw: "I Mean It" by G-Eazy ft. Remo

I actually really dig both this track and this video. It's hypnotic, from the autotuned chorus to the competent white rapping by G-Eazy. It also has an interesting tone streaking through it, sort of goofy but also pretty focused and agitated. It's not really the best flow out there, but G-Eazy does have a good deal of confidence, and almost sounds like the cadence of an old LL or something. The beat is ethereal but simplistic, but everything combines to end up with a pretty serious track. Somehow. I don't think this will launch G-Eazy into superstardom, but it's pretty cool.

Don't Go Nowhere: "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith

Sam Smith seems like the next big white guy soft rock act to break out, and "Stay With Me" is getting pretty huge as a reflection of that. He's got a nice set of pipes for sure but I'm not sure this track is Summer Jam potential. Maybe like, crying at the end of a bad night of drinking material, but this ain't a party beach anthem. Still, there's always room for this crap and it'll probably take off even more.

Get Special: "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea ft. Charlie XCX

I think "Fancy" may finally be reaching its tipping point towards becoming overplayed, but it hasn't really reached its super-annoying status yet, which is good for it. I'm not sure this can ever get old and annoying. But a few more weeks will probably do it. It's had such a good run for these first seven weeks - will it hold in our memory by the time Labour Day hits - especially since it really hasn't experienced any success in the heart of Summer, yet? We'll see, baby!

No Problemo: "Problem" by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea

This track is really starting to take off, which brings it at an interesting crossroads with "Fancy" - they roughly started picking up steam at the same time, but I'm kind of favoring "Problem" over its second place counterpart here. It's infused with so much more pop energy that makes it exhilarating, I think it will have a bit more legs come July. Still, it faces the same problems - even though it's clearly a contender by now, it hasn't been tested in the depths of Summer. What will come of it? It's tough to tell. Go USA!

Next week...

I'm curious about Florida Georgia Line's continual ability to crossover pop with country with "This is How We Roll" which is set up to do as great as any jam like this can be. Jumping on the Sam Smith bandwagon, I also like his collabo with Disclosure, "Latch," which is nearly fresh enough to break out. And can Calvin Harris' blatant attempt at Summer Jam Royalty "Summer" actually catch on? Stay tuned, folks! We're just getting farted!