13 August 2018

August Movie Rundown

Listen, folks - it's come to my attention that I've been hella ignoring most of August's movies. Hell, the only movies I've even seen in the theaters came out in July. Early July. Let me be frank: I really don't care about most of these films. Clearly, nearly does America, since Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018) is the only worthwhile film dominating the Box Office right now. Well, The Meg (2018) won this past weekend, but at $45 million I hesitate to call that a big triumph. It seems like August 2018 is without its sleeper hit.

Nevertheless, I feel like it's my duty to go through all these films, why they probably suck, and what cultural impact they might have. I've tried not to look up anything before going on senseless rambles. Please correct me when I'm angry and way off base. Regardless of release date, let's go through the lot:

Family Guy is all over this, right?

The Meg


We've had more a weird Deep Blue Sea (1999) revival than a JAWS (1975) revival in accordance to the release of this Jason Statham Megalodon flick. It's surprisingly hard to pull off a film like this. You've got to go either real self-aware camp like Piranha 3D (2010) or full on Monster mash like Lake Placid (1999). Even the Jaws sequels had mitigating success and failure with striking the right tone. It's weird to me that JAWS works at all, since Shark films in particular seem rife with tonal screw-ups. Deep Blue Sea is amazing, but it's pretty earnest in its ridiculousness. I don't know where The Meg ends up (based on a book...somehow), but it doesn't feel either extremely earnest or self-aware in its camp.

Crazy Rich Asians

The title of this movies just seems really weird. Like a spoof movie or something racist. But it's not... either of those? It's notable for having an all-Asian cast in an American-made Hollywood picture and seems to be getting good word of mouth. It's about a woman who meets a dude who turns out to be the Prince of Singapore or something. I'd be curious if the rich insane people are skewered or not, and what this comedy tries to poke fun at, but either way the cast is full of up and coming talent. I don't really give a shit about fish-out-of-water romantic comedies like this, but since it drops in two days maybe it actually will be that sleeper hit we talked about. It will also likely be pretty good.

Alpha

Also an upcoming release, this is about some dog and caveman or something, I don't care. It's like a sappy pet story - not only that, but the FIRST sappy pet story. First in history. I don't know why anyone would be interested in this.

Mile 22

I know absolutely nothing about this movie except that Mark Wahlberg is in it. Somehow that's all I need to know. It'll probably be some overblown grim shit that Wahlberg is really earnest in, to the point of self-parody. Again, I literally only know the title and Wahlberg is in it. I will not see this movie.

The Happytime Murders

I'm not sure if this looks good or not. I honestly don't know. I feel like the "inappropriate puppets" schtick has been done before, and beyond the initial novelty of the idea, I'm not sure what the movie can really do with it. Generally the whole thing looks like it's trying sooooo hard to be edgy. Melissa McCarthy does thrive better in R-Rated features, but moreso when she's bonkers like in Bridesmaids (2011), The Heat (2013), or yeah, even Tammy (2014). This feels like she's more supporting a zany premise that again, may not stand on its own. Then again, folks seem excited, at least for that novelty aspect. Sleeper.

Christopher Robin

I could give less than a shit about Christopher Robin. I know, I know, this post is coming off as more and more cynical. Like, whatever, I was a big Pooh fan in my youth, but it really doesn't matter how the things we like were created. And it seems like this is a whimsical fantasy more than anything. We're in a glut of this lately, with that fake ass Man Who Invented Christmas (2017) movie last year basically being the same thing. This interpretation of the creative process drives me nuts. Like he had some bro in his fraternity named Tigger or something. It's all just contrived crap exploiting nostalgia instead of innovating anything new or interesting. I'm reflecting with some regret on my vitriol towards what is likely a sweet and innocent movie, but also really sick of people telling me I need to see it.

BlacKkKlansman

There has been this wave of "Spike Lee is back" articles, and apparently this film knocks it out of the park. The first trailer had a captivating hook and cinematically looks like some of the most beautiful work he's ever done. It'll be niche but could be driving some Oscar buzz, which is tight. That awkward spelling, though. I'm excited to see this. See? I can get excited for something.

Slender Man

This has more to do with those girls who stabbed each other rather than the actual Slender Man, right? If a "Slender Man" is really in this, that actually invalidates much of that tragedy and also makes for a far less interesting tale about how we've grown to deal with Internet culture and how we interpret facts and stories in our new shared media. This is all really interesting stuff. Slender Man has gotten next to no buzz, so I think...crap?

The Spy Who Dumped Me

I spend a lot of time staying up at night thinking about Kate McKinnon and her career. She's the current SNL anchor and the first cast member in a while to immediately be able to extrapolate into "She's going to be a star!" It feels like she hasn't found the right vehicle to launch her into the mainstream. Right now she's had the best chances to leap out in Sisters (2015), Ghostbusters (2016), Masterminds (2016), Office Christmas Party (2016), Rough Night (2017), and now this. What you may immediately think is, "Boy, are these a bunch of shitty movies." And yeah, McKinnon is the best part of Masterminds and Rough Night for sure. Office Christmas Party is drastically underrated and she plays against type wonderfully. The Spy Who Dumped Me seems to be trading more on the Mila Kunis Bad Moms (2016) train. She plays a character named Morgan Freeman! How is this not working. Notary Publix. I think this premise is just played out. It's like Knight & Day (2010) or Killers (2010) or Spy (2015) or The Brothers Grimsby (2016) or Keeping Up with the Joneses (2016) or hell, True Lies (1994) even. McKinnon needs a new agent.

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

I didn't know this was a thing until weeks after it came out. Why does this exist? Mamma Mia (2008) was somehow ten years ago and was pretty popular. I guess more ABBA songs existed? Why is this a thing? Who is into this? I did not see the first one and have no desire to ever sit through an ABBA-based musical. The only ABBA song worth listening to is "Fernando" and I will freely admit that I listen to "Fernando" more than any human ought to. And I know the title is based on an ABBA song, but it totally feels like a Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) kind of lazy sequel title. I can picture saying it with such a sigh.

The Equalizer 2

Here's some trivia for you - what is Denzel Washington's #4 highest grossing film of his career? It's the fucking Equalizer (2014)! I suppose they couldn't make sequels to American Gangster (2007), Safe House (2012), or Remember the Titans (2000), so here we are. I never saw The Equalizer. It just seemed like more aging movie star vengeance Liam Neeson / John Cusack crap. Maybe it's good, I don't know. The Equalizer 2 had the #3 opening of Denzel's career. Suck on that, haters.

The Darkest Minds

How has Hollywood not yet gotten the memo that the YA fad is over? Even the final two Hunger Games movies flopped. Well, maybe $337 million and $281 million aren't flops, but the final installmetn of your epic film series shouldn't be the least grosser. I digress. Someone wrote a book and was really hopeful, and good for them, they probably got paid. No one else did.

Eight Grade

Apparently this movie is really good. I'm kind of excited. Not for the subject matter at all, I already went through Eight Grade, it was really bad. I don't need to relive that again, but I always cheer for competent new voices in cinema. Bo Burnham, better known as a comedian / musician evidently knocked it out of the park. I'm down. See? Ending with something positive. All you need to do is make good movies, people.

What do you think? Have you seen any of this crap? Pumped for Christopher Robin? Leave one below.

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