29 October 2016

Almost There: 31 Days of Horrorween Hallows!

As we close in on the big day here we have come at last to the unofficial Celebration Day for every insane drunken adult out there - even though we're two days out, no body's dressing as a slutty Ken Bone making out with Harley Quinns and Princes out there on Monday. In a few short hours the orgy of candy, fallgaritas, and blacklights will begin. in that honor, let's get through four more Halloween...things.

#25: Trick 'r Treat (2007) - Movie

This little gem seemed to come real quick and make no splash after its studio heavily delayed its release, but in the near-decade since, it's grown a nice little cult following. It contains a standard horror anthology of four inter-related flicks, which as this site says, is more Four Rooms (1995)-ish than standard compilations. It wins points around this time of year more than other horror anthos, though, due to its incessant and complete Halloween-ness. There's literally a little pumpkin-headed dude, who will really fuck up your day if you're not celebrating Halloween correctly. There are better horror movies out there, hell, there's better ones on this list, but this could be the most Halloween-one, and that's including one eponymous number coming up.

#26: The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror - TV Show

Each year it gets a bit more difficult to watch every Treehouse of Horror - after all, there's 27 of them now. That's like nine hours without commercials. I have talked at various points at length about how these have become the definitive TV Halloween Special, and I'd agree more or less with these rankings to this day. We probably deserve a whole new ranking, although the top five certainly wouldn't change. I'd say X, I, XV, XIV have trended up to me lately, XXII, XVII, and XVIII are certainly down. It's amazing how much they seem to have bungled Kang and Kodos since "Citizen Kang." In terms of the four specials since 2012, XXIV outside the Guillermo del Toro opening is garbage, probably bottom tier, XXV and XXVI are decent, middle group stuff, and the latest, XXVII is a solid contender for worst ever. I know, this is impossible to remember just by roman numerals. I have given you the pain of looking all these up for yourself. Even the section titles can be tough to remember. Just....just trust the word of Norwegian Morning Wood here, folks. Fine, I'll throw together an updated ranking.

#27: "Monster Mash" by Bobby Picket - Song

Here's Halloween Trivia for whatever party you're headed to tonight: Who first released the "Monster Mash" and in what year? Bobby "Boris" Picket, 1962! That's got to be the lamest party ever if you're sitting around trading "Monster Mash" trivia. Here's a video of this dude - can you imagine, like, Kanye West doing this on national TV these days? This is the Halloween equivalent of "Jingle Bells," though - the perfect Halloween Carol if we've ever had one. Sung ostensibly from the viewpoint of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the song focuses on his monster rising from his slab, and starting a huge dance party. The lyrics are really insane though - apparently zombies, the Wolfman, and Dracula (as well as his son - what the hell?) all show up, Drac gets pissed because they left out his favorite dance, the Transylvania Twist, but then they rectify that somehow, including the Prince of Darkness in their band or whatever. And then Bobby "Boris" Picket includes himself in a weirdly toned "Tell them Boris sent you!" to invite everyone into the Graveyard Smash. And who the hell are the Crypt-Kicker Five? There are so many questions here. Of course, that's what adds to the horrifying Halloween mystery machine.

#28: Halloween (1978) - Movie
ooo la la Mikey1


Perhaps the grandaddy of all Halloween movies, and certainly of most modern slasher movies (although a solid case can be made for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre [1974]), Halloween for all its glory demands viewing on its namesake holiday. For all this hyperbole, though, there's actually not all that much to do with Halloween in this film. Sure the change of seasons, incoming death, and naïve trick or treating play a big part, and wee lil' Mikey Meyers committing his first murder dressed in costume on Halloween carries significance according to whatever definition for his madness you can ascribe - evil possession, disassociative identity disorder, being a douchebag, whatever, but this feels like it could be a horror for all occasions rather than holiday specific. I mean, the Rob Zombie 2007 version came out in August for knife's sake. All this would make it seem like I'm trouncing the film, and in a lot of ways this probably shouldn't be ranked as high as it is, but there's still something definitively Halloween-ish in watching it this night, if only for tradition's sake.

Wait - what's that?

You thought we'd blow the whole wad up to #31 two days before Halloween! You're crazier than a machete-wielding Red Wings fan! You're going to have to wait until the day of Satan's Reckoning to see what our Top Three picks are and I will guarantee you that the #1 will be stupid enough that you never read this site again ever.

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