31 October 2016

Halloween Night! 31 Days of This Shit!

Well folks, it's finally upon us - the hour to go ask strangers for candy is almost here, and with that it's time to go through what to watch during the last three days in October. Never mind that we only have five hours left in October - this is all you really need to know. As you gather your family close by the burning pile of tootsie rolls know this - you're never alone. Michael Myers is watching you.

#29: The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) - Movie

I first saw Rocky Horror the way it was meant to be seen - alone in my parent's house late on a Saturday night while I was still in High School. Fuck that shit - Rocky Horror ought to only be seen when dressed up as a weirdo at midnight at some sketchy-ass theater with a few hundred people who know the film well enough to quote every line. It's an insane bit of pulp that's become the definition of a cult classic, and with its ghoulish send-up and frankly, now very progressive depiction of transsexual Transylvania, Rocky Horror is terrifying, hysterical, sexy, and wonderful at every turn. It's still niche enough that it's not truly mainstream - despite what anyone says, there aren't a lot of Rocky's and Frank-N-Furter's running around this season. It's the kind of film that you have to earn a membership with to really be considered a true fan, so hey - there's no time like 2016 to clue into this 41-year old movie. There's not a lot else out there that so combines the horror and goofiness inherent to Halloween, but boy does this number do it.

#30: "Thriller" - Song / Short Film / Album / Revolution

Even more so than the "Monster Mash," no Halloween is complete without "Thriller." Everything about this epic 14-minute long music video is spectacular. Not only did it launch the music video as an artform, but also the career of Michael Jackson. It's lost to history why exactly he decided to center his magnum opus around a Werecat / Zombie epic, but who's to get upset? Digging into this thing reveals a ton of stuff immediately that make no sense. What is he doing, watching an old movie from the 50s that also stars himself and his current girlfriend? Why did they go with werecat? Zombies haven't been around for 40,000 years, Vincent Price! Nothing has! That predates the pyramids by many thousands of years. Still, "the Fuck of 40,000 Years" just has a cherry ring to it, right? Also was Mikey really worried that we'd think he had a belief in the occult? People were crazy in '83. And what's with that ending? Is she really in a zombie house or a normal house? Is this all an elaborate mind game from Michael Jackson? Is he possessed by the spirit of the evil werecat he played in a movie from the 1950s? None of this narrative holds up! And I'm usually good at rationalizing and finding meaning in these things. I suppose it doesn't actually matter at all. It doesn't matter than nothing makes sense - look at him dance! And that beat is dope as hell! This is the mainstream Halloween pop epic jam that we've always wanted and needed - and even though there's really only about 3:30 worth of actual lyrical content, we got a 5:58 jam on the album Thriller, and a 13:42 piece of pop cultural excellence here. That really doesn't exonerate the homosexual pedophile, but this song is so damn good that it actually comes close, which is more insane than any Halloween ghoul.

#31: Fun Size (2012) - Movie

Speaking of Michael Jackson...

That's right. This is how you win the Troll Prize of the Year. Fun Size, baby! This is a spectacularly dumb but fun comedy from a few years back about Victoria Justice losing her kid brother on Halloween night that only gets better with age. I am going to try to keep typing with a straight face. Some might use the words "egregiously obnoxious" or "what the hell?" when describing this film which seems like it was intended for children except for all the sexual and adult situations. No one knows who this movie was made for and that's the point - we've already established that Halloween Mysteries are the most scary thing of all. Most importantly, though, this film united Johnny Knoxville and Jackson Nicoll, who would team-up the next year to make the immortal American Classic, Bad Grandpa (2013). This is definitely a guilty pleasure, in the sense that you feel guilty about really misusing the past 86 minutes of your life. Those are minutes that you could have spent looking at Facebook updates, reading Halloween Lists, or best yet, just sitting quietly. Minutes that you'll never get back.

And that's all she wrote, folks. Another Halloween passed, another horrible list of dumb things to do on Halloween to go with it. There will be many more great holiday moments to savor in the years and decades to come I'm sure, but for now, this should sate your fiendish appetites. Good night and have a GHOULSIHLY GOOD TIME! AHAHAHAHA!!!

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