10 July 2017

Summer Jam Week 9: Get them dresses off! LIVE!

If anyone has been paying attention, this is actually the seventh straight day of posting, which is kind of ridiculous around here. But the music must go on, now more than ever. Because it's summer! On the verge of the All-Star Break we're really ready to get funky, so let's drop some super sexy beats!

Hot Jam of the Week: "The Story of O.J." by Jay-Z

So let's start this out intense. Jay-Z hasn't done too much music in a while, and doesn't often throw together a lot of politically charged rap (besides the cop bit in "99 Problems"), but this is top to bottom brutal and spinning on exploitative black pasts. It's actually not really profound at all lyrically or stylistically, with Sean Carter half-mumbling, starting some flow then backing off, and throwing together afterthoughts more than great rhymes. It's kind of all over the place, especially since it only references OJ Simpson once. It's also fairly anti-Semitic for no really good reason at all. Why does it get the hot spot, then? Because you gotta watch it and be totally captivated at least once at the bold confrontation of the painful Black History in America that we still don't really understand today.

Niall That: "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan

This is all about that riff. Niall is a promising talent, even if he really sounds like every other random white dude singer that's out these days. The rumbling rising beat is what pushes this track to notable status and it's steadily chugging along as a contending summer jam. It's a bit too much on the periphery to really do some damage, but it's fun enough for now.

Getting Hot in Here: "Versace on the Floor" by Bruno Mars

This is a pretty new track that made some great gains this week and could strike at the very heart of summer. It's for sure a slower song for summer, especially as it starts, but it's so damn sexy. You can picture it playing at weddings (maybe not), or during any after-party where you're trying to seal the deal. The hook reminds me a lot of B.o.B.'s "Castles" but we can forgive Bruno.

Naked Naked Naked: "Wild Thoughts" by DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna

There's quite a bit of songs about fucking these days, aren't there? I was probably a little ambitious plugging this one again, but it's in that rising phase where it sounds better the more you listen to it, and it's definitely got that samba summer feel. It's more on the outskirts than I want it to be, and although it's not necessarily a good song and Rihanna has done much better, it's still a pretty distinctive and fun song, again a bit slow and methodical for Summer, but that's fine.

UUUUPPPS: "Now or Never" by Halsey

Speaking of slow-ass summer songs, this is an adorable song that's also a total slow jam. Halsey seems to be everywhere right now, which is weird because she's not really a great singer at all. What am I thinking, that has never mattered. I don't think this song gets better than its first couple bars, but that's enough to listen to while your brain spontaneously shuts down as the pop infiltrates your mind and soul. Summer!

Cop a: "Feels" by Calvin Harris ft. Pharrell, Katy Perry, & Big Sean

This song deserves to be bigger than it is, and it really got in my head this week. It's a superstar all jam that's pretty fun and so damn summer. I'm distracted by the video's Windows Media Player YouTube neon color shifts, but it's got enough sprite to pop fine enough. By no means is it taking off or anything and contending, but it could snag a few more weeks if it stays fresh enough. I dig it, and it's probably Katy's best chance at something great this summer.

Slowly: "Despacito" by Bieber, Daddy Yankee, Luis Fonsi

I finally looked up the English lyrics, and they're just about as terrible as you'd picture. I wish our language sounded so good when song seductively. SLOOOOWLY. It's amazing this has done so well, considering no one can sing along at all except for patchy "da-da-da-daBURRITO" but that's just how it works. America! #1!

Wash Your Bedsheets! "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran

I'm not Sheeran fan, he's done some weird bro shit, especially for someone who I always thought was more of a cross-eyed ginger pussy. I weirdly thought this was actually a Justin Timberlake song at first, which ought to complement where Sheeran is in his music career right now. This is a sexy song, though, if you can get over the concept of being raped by a hairless Tormund Giantsbane, and more importantly, was everywhere this week. This also somehow has...nearly 2 billion YouTube views?! Where the hell have I been?! The beat is kind of trash and I always have to think hard about what song this actually is when it plays, but popular af I guess.

Next week...

I really thought about highlighting Tyler the Creator's new insane single, but I held off. Probably regrettably. Julia Michaels, Alessia Cara, and Selena Gomez are all still things that could and will come back. We're really in the thick of it now, folks - just past the halfway point and there's a lot of jams that can jam this jam! Come back next week.

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