25 December 2010

The Long Halloween Vol. II: Christmas

Now, since last year I technically burned up Festivus, really Christmas is wide open this year. That said, it should always be pretty clear to you out there what the great Christmas Traditions are. Every family's got a movie they watch (Ours used to be A Christmas Story [1983] before I shifted us into Die Hard [1988]). You eat the same bullshit food with the same bullshit people. So maybe you can read this this year and spice things up a bit. I've already laid out some of my favourite flicks last year as well, but take some advice here to go off the beaten path.

Jingle Films:

There are so so many good Christmas movies, from Jingle All the Way (1996) to The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006). But everyone's seen this kind of sappy shit before, it's time to lay down something big. Something unique. Something to set your Christmas off right. I'm talking about Santa's Slay (2005). This film stars Goldberg as Santa Claus, Son of Satan who after forced to deliver toys for a thousand years after losing a bet with an Angel may once again go on his Annual Killing Sprees. And he does. Santa kills so many people in this movie, starting with this insane family of actually famous stars in the first scene. Check it out. There's got to be some fantasy fulfillment watching Fran Drescher's head set on fire. Most of the rest of the film stars some dude and Claire from LOST (still hot) running around from evil Satan/Santa Wrestler. Fantastic times. So this number, while admittedly pretty terrible should shake up an evening with Grandma pretty well.


Again, plenty of Christmas music to choose from here. Most radio stations switch over to all-Christmas Carols come Thanksgiving, which is incredibly irritating after the first hour. Others will play some shit just for the fun of it, like that terrible new Coldplay song. Who does that? You're ruining my Radio Alt Rock experience, Coldplay, I came here for some fucking Black Keys. Anyway, besides Coldplay to give your ears a new jingle this season there are other options. I was wondering what to put here but luckily the other day a caller called into the radio and requested a Christmas Song. Apparently to whoever this bro was, "Detachable Penis" by King Missile was a classic Christmas Track. Good enough for me, let's bring it in the canon and take a listen.

Snowflake TV:

Again, lots and lots to choose from here. Among many many Christmas specials I enjoy Community, though Season 1's "Comparative Religion" hit it out of the park a lot better than this year's pretty forced "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas." That stop-motion stuff is kind of hokey and played, mostly in my favourite special of all time, which also came out last year, "A Very Sunny Christmas" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Charlie's mom is a whore, Mac's parents steal Christmas and Frank buys himself a Lambo. Beautiful stuff. It's wrong in many ways, there's tons of unbelievable moments, and there's ultimately a lot of heart. Or at least the notion that if you're a douche no one will buy you presents. And isn't that the true meaning of it all?

Gooey Food and Drink:

There's tons of traditional Christmas Dinners, from Turkey to Ham to Goose and Monkey. As long as you're eating a lot, maybe through in some Figgy Pudding (I have never figured out what the hell that is) and tons of Eggnog and you're straight. You'd best keep the liquor flowing with relatives around, I'd suggest a steady stream of Caucasians, Vodka Cranberries or peppermint schnapps. Just don't drink so much that you develop an aversion to Candy Canes.

So Merry Christmas out there, and to all my Different Faith Readers out there, just remember - we can ultimately reject the commercial and religious aspects of this Holiday and gather around the Festivus pole, to air grievances and wrestle each other. Happy Landing, friends.

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