13 December 2016

The F8 of Vin Diesel

This post is likely far dumber than you'd suspect. I'm not wholly interested in the Fate of Vin Diesel, his life's journey, or how he ended up headlining one of the biggest franchises in the world. That's all be covered pretty thoroughly in various other corners of the Internet. And even though we don't get into news or trailers too much here at Norwegian Morning Wood, there is the occasional drop that can't escape our eye for analysis. In the midst of the flurry of Summer 2017 gems that have debuted in the past week, it's amazing that The Fate of the Furious (2017) is the one that rose to the top. I mean, obviously. Watch that bastard again:

Are you as hard as I am right now?

A big reason why this works is that on the FUCKING EIGHTH installment of this mad franchise it'd be super easy to rest on your laurels, produce the same crap over and over, and we'd all eat it up. That's not how this works, though, people, and there's enough here to mix up the one thing that's been solid ground since this began in 2001 - the supposed "Family."

Yes, that nonsense has been thrown around a ton (including in this trailer), but for good reason. None of the principal characters really have any perceived families besides the other characters - as criminals and loners they're drawn to each other and genuinely care for one another. This makes Papa Bear Diesel-dick betraying the flock all the more egregious - and a guaranteed way to put people in seats who want to know what the hell is going on here.

There's a lot of interesting swaps abound. The Rock in jail, maybe as a turned criminal, or at least framed as one. Jason Statham total frenemies, but possibly now on the side of good (or at least on the side of anti-Torretto - how rad is that if everyone else is shooting to subdue and Statham shoots to kill), and of course, Dom Torretto, America's Dad, seemingly full-on bad. Not really cheeky villainous but you still root for him as in every other single movie in this franchise, but an evil, traitorous dude. So let's go through the scenarios here:

1) Mind control

This is the obvious one. Charlize Theron's character, Cipher (ugh, why) has put something in his drink or a drop of gooze on his neck, or is just telepathic and is controlling Dom Torretto's every thought and move!

2) He's a clone!

Dom is sealed away somewhere and has been replaced by an evil clone! This is the Stryfe to his Cable, a total jerk!

3) Evil Robot

AKA the evil version of Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Theodore Logan from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991). Built in a lab by Cipher to obey her every evil command!

4) He's Dom from the past

That's right - pre-Brian O'Connor opening his heart, post-smashing dude's face in with a wrench, this Dom Torretto got caught in a Time Warp and hurled 16 years into the bleak and horrible future where he's nothing but bad!

5) He's Dom from a horrible future

From an even bleaker and more horribler future than 2017, this is a broken and jaded Evil Dom come back to exact revenge on who were once his closest friends! Or maybe it's an alternate dimension Dom from an evil Earth 2 where all good guys are bad guys and all good-leaning anti-heroes are evil-leaning anti-heroes.

6) He's a double agent

This is actually the most reasonable explanation. He's not actually evil at all, but he's playing the angles, probably for Kurt Russell or something - going deep undercover doing terrible things to earn Cipher's trust. Like he did in xXx (2002)!

7) It's a crossover! He's actually xXx!

Speaking of which, as it turns out, this isn't Dom Torretto at all, but rather Xander Cage! Xander Cage wasn't really evil, but it's conceivable that Agent Gibbons has saught to place him undercover with Cipher where he doesn't really know these random mixed race group of car jackers. With xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017) coming out just a few months earlier, a crossover is totally plausible.

8) Evil twin brother!

Did you know that Vin Diesel is a twin in real life?! This totally makes sense. How can one man, as much mass as he has, be in two movies at once? His twin is playing Dom, but didn't quite know how to do it, so accidentally showed up in the evil role instead. Or, in-universe, Dom actually had a twin named...Tom, who was lost as a boy and totally evil.

9) Polyjuice potion

That's right. It's Barty Crouch, Jr!

10) He's actually just an asshole

Also plausible, this theory bucks all the outlandish theories above and actually demonstrates the character's progression from pseudo-father figure to huge asshole who betrayed his friends for nothing more than being a huge dick.

Which theory do you think is most good? We'll all find out on April 14th!

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