The Road to a Blockbuster: Muscles & Clay Zombies

Welcome folks once again to The Road to a Blockbuster, our Summer-long look at each new wide release coming to theaters across the nation. Sadly, this is our penultimate installment of this post, but like the others we'll take a look at the critical, commercial, and cultural possibilities of each new release. This week we have two very different films hitting theaters - the Claymation effort ParaNorman (2012) and the star-studded sequel to a mediocre film of yesteryear, The Expendables 2 (2012). They both look kind of shitty - let's see check the potential:

Good idea to rip-off the Olympics to sell your children's zombie movie

ParaNorman comes from the same people who made Coraline (2009), which was an ok adventure at the theaters. Surely yards ahead of typical studio garbage animated fare, but it stands as frankly overrated. With ParaNorman's advertising geared explicitly towards exemplifying horror film tropes it's difficult to tell whether or not it will actually spin these tropes on their head or fall victim to them. My guess is that this thing gets blurred with Frankenweenie (2012) coming out in a few months as another comedy/horror geared towards children that also does not look spectacular. It's strange that these kinds of movies crop up every couple of years desperately seeking to find the perfect balance between grotesque and cheekiness that no one's accomplished since The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993).

That's the true test - in 10 years will ParaNorman be this beloved film loved the world over? Hell no. It's distinctive from other films but in ways that make it comply with its own genre. As for the brutal days of mid-August, this thing won't do that well in theaters. Yet again, kids haven't had a whole lot to see since Ice Age 4: Shitbrick (2012), and parents may want to get them out of the house as their crappy camps and summer school wraps up. Yet again yet again, those little bastards need new shoes, who's got time for the movies? My guess is this thing falls on its face.

Now we move on to The Expendables 2. Before The Expendables (2010), I was really excited. I mean, this was Stallone, Li, Statham, and um...well, some action stars with lesser careers like Dolph Lundgren. And some random people who just have muscles like Terry Crews and Randy Couture. And people who just look like they've had a career of ass-kicking, like Mickey Rourke. Sure, Willis and Schwarzenegger showed up - for about 30 seconds and then went on their merry ways. The action, to be honest, it kind of sucked. It was kind of like Rambo (2008) in that although it was hyper-gory, it all basically boiled down to one scene with a big gun. And then it kind of anti-climaxed its way to an end that didn't quite make sense and wasn't quite satisfying.

Finally, he's back killing people instead
of leading people

So how the hell am I still pumped up for The Expendables 2? Well, it's very simple - this movie appears to be everything The Expendables should have been. It features expanded roles for Willis and Schwarzenegger, as well as the additions of JCVD and Chuck Norris. Somehow that just makes everything work out. Chuck Norris is also 72 years old somehow, and even his IMDB picture looks like this. This film was also directed not by Sly but Simon West, who is the genius behind Con Air (1997). Since then he's put out a steady steam of bullshit, but still, there's got to be some good action management in there somewhere, right? Right?!

The Expendables came out around this time last year, and I famously grouped it as a double feature with Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010), which was unfortunate, because seeing a movie that cool, fresh, and unique really placed into context how boring The Expendables was. It made a nice buck, though, and has since been known as the ultimate team-up movie that wasn't really the ultimate team-up movie. Could The Expendables 2 become the ultimate team-up movie? It feels like it. Then again, I feel exactly the same as I did before the first one, which probably means this one will also be crap.

Both of these films have had some pretty decent ad campaigns, though, and thoroughly established reasons why they're worth seeing. It hasn't really been relentless, but with nothing else going except Olympic Hangovers and Shark Week, they've been able to eke out a little bit of culture this past week. I got to go to my staple again, though, this is shoe-buying season. Movies have ceased to be a priority for Summer. Will we get a late-breaking hit like the Superbad (2007) and District 9 (2009) of years past? Unlikely, but they got a shot - and that's why The Expendables 2 may yet be blockbuster material.

Still, even when I watch this I know some part of me is just going to think "Where is Seagal?" and "If they needed a black guy why did they go after Terry Crews and not Carl Weathers?" and of course, "Why aren't there subtitles for Stallone?" All these questions and more should be answered, naturally, in The Expendables 3: Killing More Brown People (2014).

That Was Fun: Olympics in Review

It's always a tough time to find something good to watch every day once the Olympic Games conclude. Luckily this year we've transitioned right into Shark Week, which is always pleasing (if not overrated, especially when it becomes an awful Mythbusters marathon about whether or not you can punch sharks in the nose). But nevertheless, we just concluded what was probably the most exciting, awesome Olympic Games ever. Now we'll discuss some of NMW's favourite highlights - and no, Michael Phelps is not one of them. Let's go event by choice event:

Swimming:

Swimming is always the most exciting part of any Olympics, and this year it was for much more than Michael Phelps. For one, we finally got some insight into Ryan Lochte, and how much of a dumb douchebag he really is. It's okay, we actually share the same hometown (Roc City represent). But if his Tweets are any indication, he's a straight up gangsta-wannabe dumbass. Who also can't really finish races. Jeah.

I would, too.

So let's turn to the women, who were much more interesting this year. From Dana Vollmer and Rebecca Soni's stunning totally not doped performances to the Chinese obviously totally definitely doped but equally stunning performance, the chicks ran the pool this year. It wasn't just them, though, I was all about cheering Dutch Swimmer Ranomi Kromowidjojo because A) She's fast as fuck and B) The name KROMOWIDJOJO exists.

I also need to give props to Tunisian Distance swimmer Oussama Mellouli, Gold Medalist in the 1500 m from Beijing, who got Bronze here but gold in the 10,000 m Open Water, becoming the first individual in history to medal in both pool and open water events. And that's a grueling competition.

Gymnastics:

Second to Swimming in any Olympic Games are the Gymnastics. This year was all about the Flying Squirrel, the spunky little girl named Gabby Douglas who seems all but destined to capture American Hearts. If you missed it, or if like myself, chose not to watch because you think the event is stupid, check out this handy GIF guide.

Not much else came out of Gymnastics except for a lot of awful American men fucking up and crying all night. Again, this was the women's games, at least for Americans. Sisters cleaned up.

Athletics:

Seriously - he's fucking Superman

There were a lot of great stories to come out Track & Field, but it really all boils down to three dudes named Usain, Mo, and Oscar. That sounds like a great set of sitcom roommates. First, Usain Bolt proved to the haters that he is indeed the Fastest Man Alive, no doubt Barry Allen is writhing somewhere. I bet Usain could beat the Flash in a footrace. Do you think it's possible for him to vibrate his body and walk through walls and stuff? I hope so. He's a legend, he's the Jamaican Superman, I bow down and praise him, not only for his athletic ability, but from being the most charming, likeable, and marketable Olympic Athlete ever. Although, this would clearly not be the case if he was an American with an ego this big.

We move on to Mo Farah, the Englishman who kicked ass in both the 10,000 and 5000 m races, which is ridiculous. His story rised above many others just because of the look on his face as he won in front of his home crowd. You could tell he was so gratified and honoured - in sum, it's what the Olympics are all about.

Lastly, we have Oscar Pristorious, the South African dude who somehow qualified in an Olympic Final despite being a double leg amputee. I'd contend there is some debate whether or not a cyborg such as he should be allowed in the Olympics, but at the end of the day, it's pretty damned impressive.

Diving:



There's no real words for this. The only thing greater than unparalleled Olympic Success is unparalleled Olympic failure. It's sad that this hapless German, Stephan Feck, will forever be tied to this single moment, which doesn't define who he is as a human being or even how good the rest of his meet was. Well, speaking of failure...

Did #NBCFail?

Each recent Olympiad has served somewhat as a technological and cultural benchmark for how people communicate with each other. No other event has such simultaneous international interest for immediate information and changes in the way we share that information tend to reveal themselves when the demand increases. The demand for these games was excellent coverage from American Broadcaster NBC of every single random, obscure event, and surely at the least, live broadcasting of the premier events.

That wasn't the case at all. In move fit for the blockiest retards, NBC delayed coverage of the best events until primetime, hours after they had happened and everyone knew the winners. That sounds pretty dumb! If not for the fact that these Games had the highest viewership in over thirty years and it made the Peacock a shitload of money, far more than expected. So what have we learned? It'll be a moot point in Rio, but my guess is they stick with this formula for a while. Which is unfortunate, because the streaming service was a ridiculous hassle.

Basketball

There was a lot of Dream Team comparison, but everyone knows this wasn't the 1992 team, and it's now more than likely that no one will ever be. Still, we can savor this gold, especially when everything boils down to this moment. That just makes everything worth it, don't it?

Soccer:

Wambach / Solo Winning Presidential Ticket 2016

If Gymnastics and Swimming wasn't enough, the USA Women also had their way with Soccer. This Tournament did nothing to satiate my uncontrollable crush on Hope Solo or Abby Wambach (double hometown hero). It was fitting revenge against a very strong Japanese Team who had their way with us during the 2011 World Cup, though the big match was against Canada and Christine Sinclair (who of course plays for the Western New York Flash - that's right, we got it all over here) who proved that she may be one of the best in the world. Still, those chicks are even more thirsty for a World Cup title in 2015, and this may be one of the all-time great teams ever assembled -  go get 'em girls.

The Rest:

There was plenty more to enjoy this round - here are some quick shots:

150,000 Condoms for the Olympic Village and everyone from Hope Solo to Ryan Lochte openly talking about how much sex Olympians have - as if it wasn't cool enough to be an Olympian, apparently the Games are about banging each other as much as beating each other. As any sport should be.

Handball - those girls go hard!

Men's Field Hockey exists, apparently

One of the best Water Polo Tournaments in history

A shocking Badminton scandal, as if the sport wasn't stupid enough, players purposely tried to lose games. Incredibly, this was the biggest scandal of the games.

Messing up the Korean Flags - always classy

Beach Volleyball cheerleaders

Adding some much needed integrity to the sport of Beach Volleyball...

Summer Jam Week 14: Jack, Kelly, and Sterling, no doubt

Hello once again folks, to the fourteenth Week of the Last Summer we'll ever know before the Mayans put this world away once and for all. As the Olympics wrap up and everyone stops caring about Gymnastics and Badminton, we can take solace in listening to some hot jams by people with hot bods. Let's get started:

Hot Track of the Week: "Freedom at 21" by Jack White



Does the intro to this track given anyone else a little Cox & Combes' "Washington" vibe? Jack White is interesting, I feel like there were a lot of haters who denounced him during his White Stripes days, but everyone seems to hold up high nowadays as one of the last great mainstream rock stars. I never really had a problem with anything he's put out, though it seems like Meg White did come with some baggage that he's free of now. This shit is hotter than any White Stripes jam, though I'm still jonesing for a more-complex-than-necessary Lego vid.

The Anthem of a Cave Vagina: "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson

This is pretty bad, and I'm not sure how it happened, but the first time I heard this track I imagined Kelly singing about her Vagina - and it fits perfectly. Just let this song play and picture her singing about her cooter. It works so well it's creepy. Or maybe it's just a testament to my immaturity. I'm just proud she's gotten to work on her Lunch Lady Arms. And the basic fact that she's the only relevant American Idol winner who isn't a country star. Thank goodness.

Reggae-Hop: "Tell Her Again" by Sterling Simms ft. Meek Mill

Not only is this a rad reggae-influenced track to jam to on a hot summer day, but it sounds much worse when the "pussy" is censored in the radio version. I mean, Sterling is just crooning about his own ability to pleasure a lady. He doesn't want to actually kill her, which is kind of what it sounds like when censored. When will we learn?

I Doubt It: "Settle Down" by No Doubt

I did doubt that No Doubt could make it on to this list, until I heard this song every single morning I woke up this week. It's certainly a fun track and sounds very No Doubt-like, which is refreshing. It's also nice to see that Gwen Stefani has hardly aged at all, in either looks or attitude. If anything she's gotten better - in both looks and attitude. It's also nice to see that one Indian guy still bumming around. You got to have that random Indian.

Inexplicit: "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" by Pink

I actually listened to this track this week and I kind of realised that no part of it is really sexual or dirty at all beyond the title. I like how Pink is kind of a Pop Renegade, but she gets into attention-whoring territory too often to really be subversive. She also confines herself to fairly typical pop structures although she swears a lot more. This is the kind of thing that Rihanna did too - and it is freeing to hear Pop Songs that can't appear on Kidz Bop. I still get a Franz Ferdinand vibe from this thing, though.

Blow Me, For Real: "Whistle" by Flo Rida

This track came back this week, tho it has lost quite a bit of its edge since its peak a few weeks ago. After Pink fakes her oral fixation, Flo Rida has no problem in his innuendo. It's interesting how he keeps doing this while other Rappers have no problem saying exactly what they mean (see Sterling Simms above). Also this remix is actually pretty tight. You gotta throw some Wiz in to keep it interesting, man. But really, Flo is a pop hit-maker over an authentic hip-hop artist or hell, even over a being a real human being. Get at me.

Again: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

This week Carly Rae became the longest-running #1 Billboard act of 2012 so far. Congratulations. How did this happen? Let the parodies flow strong and good as any pretension of any other artist gaining the recognition of Summer Jam Queen fades away. This is it baby. Maybe.

Next Week...

Nicki Minaj has a new single that's pretty OK, if not groundbreaking like some of her 2010 work. I'm also curious if now-Openly gay rapper Frank Ocean's "Swim Good" can catch on to beat the Summer Heat, though it was released a while ago. Simply because the game is one of the more homophobic institutions out there (maybe 2nd to the Boy Scouts of America...and Mitt Romney's Campaign Staff), it's groundbreaking to see this cat have success. I think Katy's "Wide Awake" is still on the fringe, but there were just far too many more interesting songs this week to include. Same goes for fun., whose "We Are Young" is STILL getting tons of airtime. Stay tuned, folks.