14 August 2012

That Was Fun: Olympics in Review

It's always a tough time to find something good to watch every day once the Olympic Games conclude. Luckily this year we've transitioned right into Shark Week, which is always pleasing (if not overrated, especially when it becomes an awful Mythbusters marathon about whether or not you can punch sharks in the nose). But nevertheless, we just concluded what was probably the most exciting, awesome Olympic Games ever. Now we'll discuss some of NMW's favourite highlights - and no, Michael Phelps is not one of them. Let's go event by choice event:


Swimming is always the most exciting part of any Olympics, and this year it was for much more than Michael Phelps. For one, we finally got some insight into Ryan Lochte, and how much of a dumb douchebag he really is. It's okay, we actually share the same hometown (Roc City represent). But if his Tweets are any indication, he's a straight up gangsta-wannabe dumbass. Who also can't really finish races. Jeah.

I would, too.
So let's turn to the women, who were much more interesting this year. From Dana Vollmer and Rebecca Soni's stunning totally not doped performances to the Chinese obviously totally definitely doped but equally stunning performance, the chicks ran the pool this year. It wasn't just them, though, I was all about cheering Dutch Swimmer Ranomi Kromowidjojo because A) She's fast as fuck and B) The name KROMOWIDJOJO exists.

I also need to give props to Tunisian Distance swimmer Oussama Mellouli, Gold Medalist in the 1500 m from Beijing, who got Bronze here but gold in the 10,000 m Open Water, becoming the first individual in history to medal in both pool and open water events. And that's a grueling competition.


Second to Swimming in any Olympic Games are the Gymnastics. This year was all about the Flying Squirrel, the spunky little girl named Gabby Douglas who seems all but destined to capture American Hearts. If you missed it, or if like myself, chose not to watch because you think the event is stupid, check out this handy GIF guide.

Not much else came out of Gymnastics except for a lot of awful American men fucking up and crying all night. Again, this was the women's games, at least for Americans. Sisters cleaned up.


Seriously - he's fucking Superman
There were a lot of great stories to come out Track & Field, but it really all boils down to three dudes named Usain, Mo, and Oscar. That sounds like a great set of sitcom roommates. First, Usain Bolt proved to the haters that he is indeed the Fastest Man Alive, no doubt Barry Allen is writhing somewhere. I bet Usain could beat the Flash in a footrace. Do you think it's possible for him to vibrate his body and walk through walls and stuff? I hope so. He's a legend, he's the Jamaican Superman, I bow down and praise him, not only for his athletic ability, but from being the most charming, likeable, and marketable Olympic Athlete ever. Although, this would clearly not be the case if he was an American with an ego this big.

We move on to Mo Farah, the Englishman who kicked ass in both the 10,000 and 5000 m races, which is ridiculous. His story rised above many others just because of the look on his face as he won in front of his home crowd. You could tell he was so gratified and honoured - in sum, it's what the Olympics are all about.

Lastly, we have Oscar Pristorious, the South African dude who somehow qualified in an Olympic Final despite being a double leg amputee. I'd contend there is some debate whether or not a cyborg such as he should be allowed in the Olympics, but at the end of the day, it's pretty damned impressive.


There's no real words for this. The only thing greater than unparalleled Olympic Success is unparalleled Olympic failure. It's sad that this hapless German, Stephan Feck, will forever be tied to this single moment, which doesn't define who he is as a human being or even how good the rest of his meet was. Well, speaking of failure...

Did #NBCFail?

Each recent Olympiad has served somewhat as a technological and cultural benchmark for how people communicate with each other. No other event has such simultaneous international interest for immediate information and changes in the way we share that information tend to reveal themselves when the demand increases. The demand for these games was excellent coverage from American Broadcaster NBC of every single random, obscure event, and surely at the least, live broadcasting of the premier events.

That wasn't the case at all. In move fit for the blockiest retards, NBC delayed coverage of the best events until primetime, hours after they had happened and everyone knew the winners. That sounds pretty dumb! If not for the fact that these Games had the highest viewership in over thirty years and it made the Peacock a shitload of money, far more than expected. So what have we learned? It'll be a moot point in Rio, but my guess is they stick with this formula for a while. Which is unfortunate, because the streaming service was a ridiculous hassle.


There was a lot of Dream Team comparison, but everyone knows this wasn't the 1992 team, and it's now more than likely that no one will ever be. Still, we can savor this gold, especially when everything boils down to this moment. That just makes everything worth it, don't it?


Wambach / Solo Winning Presidential Ticket 2016
If Gymnastics and Swimming wasn't enough, the USA Women also had their way with Soccer. This Tournament did nothing to satiate my uncontrollable crush on Hope Solo or Abby Wambach (double hometown hero). It was fitting revenge against a very strong Japanese Team who had their way with us during the 2011 World Cup, though the big match was against Canada and Christine Sinclair (who of course plays for the Western New York Flash - that's right, we got it all over here) who proved that she may be one of the best in the world. Still, those chicks are even more thirsty for a World Cup title in 2015, and this may be one of the all-time great teams ever assembled -  go get 'em girls.

The Rest:

There was plenty more to enjoy this round - here are some quick shots:

150,000 Condoms for the Olympic Village and everyone from Hope Solo to Ryan Lochte openly talking about how much sex Olympians have - as if it wasn't cool enough to be an Olympian, apparently the Games are about banging each other as much as beating each other. As any sport should be.

Handball - those girls go hard!

Men's Field Hockey exists, apparently

One of the best Water Polo Tournaments in history

A shocking Badminton scandal, as if the sport wasn't stupid enough, players purposely tried to lose games. Incredibly, this was the biggest scandal of the games.

Messing up the Korean Flags - always classy

Beach Volleyball cheerleaders

Adding some much needed integrity to the sport of Beach Volleyball...

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