The Road to a Blockbuster: Brother's Justice Reborn!

In this long Final Summer before the World Ends in 2012, we have gone through a lot of movies. Every Friday as part of the Road to a Blockbuster series, we determine the potential cultural, critical, and commercial impact of every wide release. The Summer Season is just about over this week, as we can tell from the torrid string of releases this week. Somehow by mid-August every great part of Summer dries up and everyone starts taking that big breath before the plunge into Fall. That said, today we conclude our Road to a Blockbuster with a look at three movies that will probably crash and burn at the Box Office.

The first is a horror movie, The Possession (2012). Oh wait, I mean The Apparition (2012). The Possession, which looks like a Jewish version of The Apparition, comes out next week. The Possession actually looks kind of cool, old creepy Jewish Mythology like the dybbuks and golems. My primary understanding of dybbuks of course comes from A Serious Man (2009) and Rugrats. I'm not the only one, either. Of course, this film doesn't even come out this weekend. The Apparition looks fairly dumb. Draco Malfoy is in it, though! Late August tends to be a dumping of Horror films for some reason, though. This happened for a few years with Rob Zombie's takes on Halloween as well as those Piranhia DD flicks. And recent Final Destination installments. It's kind of wild, actually. Why not come out, you know, during Halloween? Who knows. What's more likely is that studios need a dumping ground for these kinds of horror franchise films and when a few flicks did well, it was time for everyone to try their hand. It sucks.

I don't think The Apparition or The Possession will revolutionize horror films or films in general. They're very forgettable, interchangeable horror experiences. These kinds of films haven't done well financially, either, and August is typically anemic to these kinds of flicks - even if some of those franchises mentioned earlier did comparatively well.

Moving on, we have the bikour movie, Premium Rush (2012). Is "bikour" a word yet? Can I claim to have made that up? It's a portmanteau of bike and parkour - doing crazy urban movement tricks on your bike. Sound cool? Then we're not going to get along. If anything though this should contribute to Joseph Gordon-Levitt's strong case for becoming the actor of 2012, what with The Dark Knight Rises (2012) and two other highly anticipated upcoming films, Looper (2012) and Lincoln (2012). Channing Tatum better watch his ass or he's going to be upended as the most overexposed actor of the year. Gordon-Levitt is 2012's Michael Fassbender. It's also cool to get a preview of Take Shelter (2011)'s brilliant Michael Shannon as a big bad before he goes all Zod on us in Superman Lives (2013). Or what was it? Man of Steel (2013)? Gotcha. Yep. No Nic Cage in sight. He's a perfect nasty bad dude though, and he ought to be the shine of this film.

But this won't really do that well. It will probably be remembered as that obscure bikour film that helped Joe and Mike get a couple good roles down the line. It's not that interesting a premise and Joe doesn't really have enough star power to carry a movie yet. Then again, there's the possibility that no one does these days. Still, it's an original story in a bit of a dry spot of the year - it could do decently. There is a bit of intrigue in the marketing, but it's not all that compelling. We'll see how it ends up.

That all brings us to Hit & Run (2012). If any of you have seen either Brother's Justice (2010) or read its well-articulated Wikipedia page, you ought to be pretty excited. Hit & Run returns almost an identical cast, made up mainly of Dax Shepard's friends. For some reason, these friends are like, Bradley Cooper and Tom Arnold. It's kind of a bizarre comedic troupe that I could see making a lot of crazy obscure films that no one can figure out is tied to the equally obscure Brother's Justice. The marketing has been interesting, and this could be a bit of a hit, but it's in about the same league as Premium Rush in being an original story landing in late August. So it has little chance of really landing.

Hit & Run actually came out on Wednesday for some reason. It debuted at 8th place for the day. I'm not sure what we can exactly gleam from this - as it's not like it was a holiday Wednesday or this was a big hotly anticipated release or anything. I guess it merely means that this probably isn't going to do shit in theaters. You gotta cheer some Tom Arnold, though. He's the guy in the van! He's sick of being the guy in the van!

Well folks, it's been a long and crazy summer. We saw a Big Green Giant punch an alien worm, Bane do his best goatse impression, Adam Sandler teach us how to laugh again, and Drake and Nicki Minaj provide the voices for animated mammoths. It's been...wildly mediocre, to be honest. What was the best film of Summer? Obviously it was Battleship (2012). Maybe Prometheus (2012). The funniest was The Campaign (2012) - sorry TED (2012). All in all, a good Summer. We had some good Olympics, good flicks, and plenty of ice cream for everyone. Now it's time to watch some Fall TV...

That Was Fun: Olympics in Review

It's always a tough time to find something good to watch every day once the Olympic Games conclude. Luckily this year we've transitioned right into Shark Week, which is always pleasing (if not overrated, especially when it becomes an awful Mythbusters marathon about whether or not you can punch sharks in the nose). But nevertheless, we just concluded what was probably the most exciting, awesome Olympic Games ever. Now we'll discuss some of NMW's favourite highlights - and no, Michael Phelps is not one of them. Let's go event by choice event:

Swimming:

Swimming is always the most exciting part of any Olympics, and this year it was for much more than Michael Phelps. For one, we finally got some insight into Ryan Lochte, and how much of a dumb douchebag he really is. It's okay, we actually share the same hometown (Roc City represent). But if his Tweets are any indication, he's a straight up gangsta-wannabe dumbass. Who also can't really finish races. Jeah.

I would, too.

So let's turn to the women, who were much more interesting this year. From Dana Vollmer and Rebecca Soni's stunning totally not doped performances to the Chinese obviously totally definitely doped but equally stunning performance, the chicks ran the pool this year. It wasn't just them, though, I was all about cheering Dutch Swimmer Ranomi Kromowidjojo because A) She's fast as fuck and B) The name KROMOWIDJOJO exists.

I also need to give props to Tunisian Distance swimmer Oussama Mellouli, Gold Medalist in the 1500 m from Beijing, who got Bronze here but gold in the 10,000 m Open Water, becoming the first individual in history to medal in both pool and open water events. And that's a grueling competition.

Gymnastics:

Second to Swimming in any Olympic Games are the Gymnastics. This year was all about the Flying Squirrel, the spunky little girl named Gabby Douglas who seems all but destined to capture American Hearts. If you missed it, or if like myself, chose not to watch because you think the event is stupid, check out this handy GIF guide.

Not much else came out of Gymnastics except for a lot of awful American men fucking up and crying all night. Again, this was the women's games, at least for Americans. Sisters cleaned up.

Athletics:

Seriously - he's fucking Superman

There were a lot of great stories to come out Track & Field, but it really all boils down to three dudes named Usain, Mo, and Oscar. That sounds like a great set of sitcom roommates. First, Usain Bolt proved to the haters that he is indeed the Fastest Man Alive, no doubt Barry Allen is writhing somewhere. I bet Usain could beat the Flash in a footrace. Do you think it's possible for him to vibrate his body and walk through walls and stuff? I hope so. He's a legend, he's the Jamaican Superman, I bow down and praise him, not only for his athletic ability, but from being the most charming, likeable, and marketable Olympic Athlete ever. Although, this would clearly not be the case if he was an American with an ego this big.

We move on to Mo Farah, the Englishman who kicked ass in both the 10,000 and 5000 m races, which is ridiculous. His story rised above many others just because of the look on his face as he won in front of his home crowd. You could tell he was so gratified and honoured - in sum, it's what the Olympics are all about.

Lastly, we have Oscar Pristorious, the South African dude who somehow qualified in an Olympic Final despite being a double leg amputee. I'd contend there is some debate whether or not a cyborg such as he should be allowed in the Olympics, but at the end of the day, it's pretty damned impressive.

Diving:



There's no real words for this. The only thing greater than unparalleled Olympic Success is unparalleled Olympic failure. It's sad that this hapless German, Stephan Feck, will forever be tied to this single moment, which doesn't define who he is as a human being or even how good the rest of his meet was. Well, speaking of failure...

Did #NBCFail?

Each recent Olympiad has served somewhat as a technological and cultural benchmark for how people communicate with each other. No other event has such simultaneous international interest for immediate information and changes in the way we share that information tend to reveal themselves when the demand increases. The demand for these games was excellent coverage from American Broadcaster NBC of every single random, obscure event, and surely at the least, live broadcasting of the premier events.

That wasn't the case at all. In move fit for the blockiest retards, NBC delayed coverage of the best events until primetime, hours after they had happened and everyone knew the winners. That sounds pretty dumb! If not for the fact that these Games had the highest viewership in over thirty years and it made the Peacock a shitload of money, far more than expected. So what have we learned? It'll be a moot point in Rio, but my guess is they stick with this formula for a while. Which is unfortunate, because the streaming service was a ridiculous hassle.

Basketball

There was a lot of Dream Team comparison, but everyone knows this wasn't the 1992 team, and it's now more than likely that no one will ever be. Still, we can savor this gold, especially when everything boils down to this moment. That just makes everything worth it, don't it?

Soccer:

Wambach / Solo Winning Presidential Ticket 2016

If Gymnastics and Swimming wasn't enough, the USA Women also had their way with Soccer. This Tournament did nothing to satiate my uncontrollable crush on Hope Solo or Abby Wambach (double hometown hero). It was fitting revenge against a very strong Japanese Team who had their way with us during the 2011 World Cup, though the big match was against Canada and Christine Sinclair (who of course plays for the Western New York Flash - that's right, we got it all over here) who proved that she may be one of the best in the world. Still, those chicks are even more thirsty for a World Cup title in 2015, and this may be one of the all-time great teams ever assembled -  go get 'em girls.

The Rest:

There was plenty more to enjoy this round - here are some quick shots:

150,000 Condoms for the Olympic Village and everyone from Hope Solo to Ryan Lochte openly talking about how much sex Olympians have - as if it wasn't cool enough to be an Olympian, apparently the Games are about banging each other as much as beating each other. As any sport should be.

Handball - those girls go hard!

Men's Field Hockey exists, apparently

One of the best Water Polo Tournaments in history

A shocking Badminton scandal, as if the sport wasn't stupid enough, players purposely tried to lose games. Incredibly, this was the biggest scandal of the games.

Messing up the Korean Flags - always classy

Beach Volleyball cheerleaders

Adding some much needed integrity to the sport of Beach Volleyball...

The Road to a Blockbuster: That Ben Stiller / Jonah Hill Thing

Jeez, it's weird not thinking about Batman for 10 seconds here. It's another Summer Friday, though, even if it is the Friday after The Dark Knight Rises (2012), and that means it's time again for The Road to a Blockbuster - where Norwegian Morning Wood analyses the cultural, critical, and commercial potential for the latest Summer Tentpole Event. Today we see the release of The Watch (2012), which looks like a wildly okay teaming up of Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and some other guy.

That's kind of a shame because it seems like the other guy clearly has some of the funniest lines in the film. Anyway, what's a bigger shame is that this film is coming out the week after The Dark Knight Rises, which means that it's going to do shit business. It was a brave move on their part, and the marketing has been somewhat successful in establishing the comic team, but less so establishing the wacky Alien Invasion premise.

What can save this thing is that it actually looks pretty funny. I'm very glad that R-Rated Comedies have been doing so well lately, because this seems like another hard-R effort, at least in terms of massive amounts of fuck words uttered and alien gizmos used on cows in bloody glory. It also seems like a return to form for Vince Vaughn, who is back doing a supporting role instead of inflating the ego that pushed his terrible post-Wedding Crashers (2005) career.

Ben Stiller's been present, but hit or miss lately. Tower Heist (2011) was a fairly mediocre effort, and he's more in Meet the Parents (2000) meek leader Stiller mode than his aggressive Tugg Speedman or insane White Goodman personas. Besides the other guy, the real star of this film could very well be Jonah Hill fresh off the reigning Funniest Movie of the Year. Some of the non sequiturs, though, like yelling at his mother or interrogating the punk kid seem forced and silly instead of based on character, which is kind of a red flag.

Finally, this film is tough to find because searches for "The Watch" result in plenty of wristband timekeepers and less so information, images, or video for the film. That's not really great search engine optimization from the marketing department and I bet that could hurt this flick's chances. I don't know, maybe they'll be okay. Even though TED (2012) came out a month ago it feels like it was sooner than that, and audiences haven't really been starved for comedies the past few weeks.

Still, this thing does look pretty funny, and it's always great to see an actor like Vince Vaughn drop some hard f's. For my part, I'm actually exhausted after the 3-hour emotionally draining journey of The Dark Knight Rises, not to mention the three related posts I committed afterwards. I'm more in a mood for a break, at least until The Campaign (2012) lands on us. This is an afterthought film, something to fill a weekend rather than something anyone desperately needs to see.

We can also talk about the Trayvon Martin shooting, which prompted some changes in this flick's marketing, most notably its move to a more ambiguous title from the earlier Neighborhood Watch. It never works out that a film comes out about shooting shady figures in the night right after one of the most widely spread racial profiling shootings in recent media. It shouldn't really affect the film from here on out, but it's worth a mention to remember what the hell we're actually on this world for - to help and understand our fellow chicks and dudes and, if we have the opportunity, to not shoot them. Will The Watch express this sentiment?

Who cares, it's a movie.

The Road to a Blockbuster: The Dark Box Office Rises

Okay folks, here it is - basically the moment this summer that everyone has been waiting for - perhaps the only film of the year more highly anticipated than That's My Boy (2012), duh, I mean The Avengers (2012) - The Dark Knight Rises (2012). Here at the Road to a Blockbuster section we've been analysing the critical, cultural, and commercial potential of each big release this Summer, and needless to say, The Dark Knight Rises ought to take all this to 11. Everyone's at fever pitch for this one, and ultimately there may not be much more to say than what everyone knows! We'll find something.

Zubat Rises

I don't know what it is about Batman that makes him just about the most popular superhero ever. No other comic book dude has had such a series of legendary adaptations in TV, Animation, and big blockbuster films. Four of the six contemporary Batman films have set Opening Weekend records in their day (Batman [1989], Batman Returns [1992], Batman Forever [1995], and The Dark Knight [2008], for those counting), and this is the only film that comes to mind that could possibly upset The Avengers mind-blowing $207 million it pulled down last May. No matter if it breaks a single record or not though, it's a foregone conclusion that this is going to pull down some serious coin.

We ought to compare it with The Dark Knight, though. This should be the ultimate litmus test of whether or not TDK was fueled mostly by the presence Heath Ledger's Joker and the actor's tragic death months before the premiere. Bane is an intriguing villain though his history and the buzz over his presence doesn't nearly match the Joker's. Catwoman here is interesting as well - is the intrigue of the Nolanesque Selina Kyle treatment enough to get an unbelievable amount of people in the seats? I'm actually more interested in finding out (and currently convinced) that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is secretly playing Robin and Marion Cotillard is secretly playing Talia al Ghul.

Still, in an age where we just saw the release of a Fourth Ice Age movie, there's something comforting about a finite resolution to a film franchise. Of course, this is exactly what Spider-Man 3 (2007) was and look how that turned out. The thing of it is, even though Warner Bros. is clearly going to clamour for more Batman and a reboot of the franchise 5-10 years down the line (possibly sooner) is inevitable. The problem with this is that the Nolan Batman is so definitive for so many people out there. He's tapped into something that inherently reflects the time period it was made (whether it's the War on Terror or Bain Capital...), but this is an iteration of the Dark Knight that has connected with people on such an intense level that any other interpretation is almost unthinkable.

This, in itself, is somewhat unbelievable considering how much fans honoured Keaton's Bruce and Nicholson's Joker and held those shoddy Burton films as unsoilable pieces of art. In this light maybe it's possible that the Nolan Batman flicks will eventually become an afterthought as the next visionary auteur takes the reigns.

Nahhh, that's unlikely.

Hey! Lookin' pretty retarded!

By all consideration this is huge, though. And it's not huge like diving masks and bologna tie-ins. There's a kind of elegance and class that Nolan's films exude. It's an integrity that people buy into - ultimately more so than the kind of Candy Popcorn The Avengers and its feeders puff on. It's kind of a shame because, ultimately, through everything this is still a Hollywood Superhero movie, which I think people lose sight of easily. There will clearly be a strong Oscar campaign going along with this, especially after the snub of The Dark Knight essentially led the Academy to expand its nomination process to accommodate the occasional crazy stupid mainstream film that sidles its way into the minds of rabid fans. This shouldn't happen - the idea of Batman is still as silly it was when George Clooney played him gay in Batman & Robin (1997). Just because Nolan and crew are excessively self-serious doesn't make the character any less ridiculous.

I might get some flack for that. Actually here's the best beat-by-beat scenario:

• Ragged from 8 years of non-stop crime-fighting and running from the police, Bruce "Bat-Crazy" Wayne meets the unstoppable Bane who rallies the 99% against the 1% of Gotham in obvious political allegory
• Bane kicks his ass, breaks his back
• Bruce is nursed back to health by Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anne Hathaway, who fight crime in his absence
• Tempted by Hathaway, Christian Bale eventually falls in love with Gordon-Levitt
• Nolan shows everything.
• The Legend Ends

• Post credit scene involves a 25-minute Hathaway and Cotillard marmalade make-out session.

Incredible. At some point Catwoman says "I don't get into cars with strange men." Batman replies "This isn't a car...and I'm a homosexual."

Anyway, it's fairly clear that this is going to be a huge critical, cultural, and commercial event across the nation. These Batman films always seem to be integral parts of our culture and sources for endless discussion, debate, and quotes by fans, both virgin and otherwise. Even shit films from this guy like Batman & Robin are centerpieces for cultural debate, even when that debate is how bad it fucking was. Nolan, though, is one of the few dudes out there who is still making classic, awesome original films (see: Inception [2010]). He's gotten to the point where his name alone is selling a film, and his name attached to his own long Batman pedigree is plenty of fuel for increasing his cheddar supply. He's inspired an almost Raimi-like level of trust that in no way will be ruined by his third outing.

Stay tuned for many more Bat-posts this weekend, including a lengthy debate whether or not Nolan should have included a canister of Bat-Shark Repellent, because hey, you never know. Bane's the kind of dude to have a Giant Shark Tank.

The Road to a Blockbuster: Ice Age - Inconsequential Drift

It's Friday again, so needless to say, we have another weekend at the movies to assess. Every Summer Friday we've been taking a look at the possible and probable critical, commercial, and cultural impact of Hollywood's New Wide Releases. This week all we have is Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012), and much like Madagascar 3: Butt-hurter (2012), it's another installment in a series none of us can believe is still in existence.

It's tough to believe that the first Ice Age film was made 10 years ago and has since become 20th Century Fox's flagship animated property. Dreamworks had Shrek and then the Madagascar series, Disney of course has all the Pixar goodness, and Universal is finally growing something with Despicable Me bubbles, but Fox really puts its energy into Ice Age, and for good reason. It is startling similar to Madagascar - somehow each film is still good for just under $200 mill a pop, and tho Ice Age (2002) looked like shit, it tripled its budget and allowed its sequels to steadily grow and look a bit better, although they're still on the cheap, going for $80-90 million according to Box Office Mojo.

So yes, this is the fourth installment for some reason, and almost unbelievably, the creators keep thinking up stuff to do with these guys. The first film dealt with the core Mammoth, Sabretooth Tiger, and Ground Sloth finding a human baby, the second one dealt with the Ice Age ending, and the third saw our heroes trapped in the secret underground Land of Dinosaurs. Wait, the Ice Age ended in the second film? And they've made two sequels set in the Ice Age since then? This is true, that's great. Ice Age: Continental Drift deals with pirates; obviously that was the natural way to go.

There's a few really interesting things about the Ice Age franchise. First of all, it stars Ray Romano, Denis Leary, and John Leguizamo, who are all B or C-Listers in Hollywood at best, at least in terms of their movie careers. Leary may have the highest profile out of all of them, but he got there by intensely adult comic performances in things like No Cure for Cancer, The Job, and Rescue Me - yet that's all dwarfed by the cash an Ice Age film can pull down from little kids. Leguizamo is known for what, The Pest (1997) and The Happening (2008)? Maybe throw in Super Mario Bros. (1993), obviously. Finally, Ray Romano has had a Jerry Seinfeld-like career: one massive hit TV show, NOTHING ELSE and then animated voice work. It's actually startling to realise how good Ice Age looks when contrasted with Bee Movie (2007) though. These three dudes have come together for four movies now to create Fox's greatest animated franchise of all time - what the hell?

This particular Ice Age film also stars a ridiculous number of currently popular celebrity voices. Let's run down a quick list (click here for full): Jennifer Lopez, Peter Dinklage, Aziz Ansari, Joy Behar, Wanda Sykes, Nick Frost & Simon Pegg, Sean William Scott, Patrick Stewart, Queen Latifah, Nicki Minaj, and Drake. Yes, you heard those last two correctly. This film has more divas than Sean Combs' Birthday Yacht and a completely eccentric cast that would be incredible to meet at a party. Can you imagine? Patrick Stewart spiking the punch, Aziz Ansari spinning some Kanye tunes, Queen Latifah mud-wrestling with Peter Dinklage, and through it all, somehow John Leguizamo is killed. What a dream.



So how well as this insane film been advertised? The marketing has been fairly good, with them even ripping off other clearly more popular properties as can be seen above. It has lacked the incessant brain-melting catchiness of something like "Afro Circus," but that's probably a good thing. It does have the "'Taste my fury!' / 'Taste your furry what?'" thing, which is fairly sticky. All in all, it's done exactly what a fourthquel needs to do - remind us of the characters we liked, why we liked them, and shown them in a different element. There's no reason why this shouldn't be a pretty good success, even if it'll enter more of a cultural whitewash taken up by the other entries in this mediocre franchise.

The exact bank is going to be high, possibly à la the aforementioned Madagascar 3: European Shit Train, and make more money than any other before it. It's bizarre to think about. We've gotten to a point filled with Fast and Furious, Resident Evil, and Final Destination sequels that are supposed to be a "what the hell" kind of last fling that end up bringing home more cheddar than any other film in the series. There's simply no reason to stop making these kinds of films, or the Madagascar/Ice Age kind of films. There will always be a demand for stupid children's entertainment - and with a reliably entertaining and high-grossing cast of recognizable characters - why not? What's insane is that animation can go far longer than live action. Voices age slower than looks, and while Ray, Denis, and John may all be getting older, they can mouth these characters for the next twenty years while making themselves and everyone else a ton of money. Is there a breaking point? Do things get old? Hell no, eventually nostalgia kicks in and we all want another Mammoth/Tiger/Sloth story. Mammoth/Tiger/Sloth built this series and Mammoth/Tiger/Sloth will end it.

Actually, what makes these films worthwhile are the parallel stories of Scrat, the Sabre-toothed Squirrel. Scrat's tales liken back to a time of Wile E. Coyote - a hapless young mammal trying to just get his nut. They're the funniest and most interesting parts of these films, woven in and between the Mammoth/Tiger/Sloth journeys. Scratman, heed our call.

Ice Age: Continental Drift premieres today.

The Road to a Blockbuster: Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Bro

It's another Summer Friday, and even though the major film of the week (and perhaps the season) came out this past Tuesday, we're taking a look at it here. Every week we're checking out the major commercial, critical, and cultural impacts to be had from the big Summer Mainstream Releases, and along with the wall-crawling Amazing Spider-Man (2012) this week we have Savages (2012) and Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012). Yep. I wonder who will win the Box Office? Let's start with the films that will obviously lose:

Maybe we will remember something more
about this movie than John Travolta getting stabbed...

Savages actually has a fair level of buzz, but it's starring three actors who couldn't have a lower, shittier profile right now. The shining light may be Kick-Ass himself, Aaron Johnson, although pairing him up with the awful and flat-acting Blake Lively and Box Office-Destroyer Taylor Kitsch is a death threat. There's also a menacing Salma Hayek and Benicio del Toro to mess with, though, the latter of which is apparently the most enjoyable part of the film, yet the most downplayed in marketing. And John Travolta gets stabbed - I feel like that should be a huge shocking moment that was very carelessly displayed in the trailers, and even commercials.

All in all, despite the fact that Mexican drug cartel problems are sort of relevant right now, this does seem like more of the same old crap, although Oliver Stone behind the camera may elevate its potential. Still, I've got think that in ten years this is known more as the "John Travolta gets stabbed" movie more than anything else. I mean, we have the "John Travolta with a Goatee" movie, and the other "John Travolta with a Goatee" movie, why not this one.

Then there's Katy Perry. This was apparently cobbled together in about two months with tons of preexisting footage that Big Boobs dumped on Paramount last February. This ought to be a drop in the water though, no one really cares about concert movies, even if they end up huge like Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011). I'm not sure how many people are actually invested in Katy's life story who also don't want to see Spider-Man. It's not going to work.

Lastly, we've got Spidey, himself. It's already had a pretty incredible week, thanks in part to an awkward Independence Wednesday. There are a lot of interesting things that can happen with this one. For once, a superhero is being rebooted that has had a nearly universally loved prior trilogy. Yeah, there's some bad blood towards that one, but should there be? There is however, a couple fair indications towards why this is awesome.

Why doesn't this happen all the time? There are hundreds of artists and writers who have left their mark on iconic comic heroes, and whether or not all of those stories were successful, pushing characters in new directions, whether it be the alternating campiness / broodiness of Batman or the varying degrees of Hulk's intellect, oftentimes a new set of eyes can do something for the character heretofore considered impossible. There's no reason (beside you know, comfortability, consistency, and cost effectiveness) why this can't happen all the time in movies, hell, Ghost Rider already saw the franchise do it this year.

MARK!

With all the love for Raimi's Spider-Man Trilogy, I think we were blinded to that sort of web-slinger. Tobey Maguire, for one, was always a much better Peter Parker than Spider-Man, and almost unbelievably, was really too buff to play the nimble, flexible hero he is (I can't really believe I consider Tobey to be too huge, but it's true). We've been blinded to the idea that Peter Parker could be anyone else, but again, this has happened before. For decades we didn't think there could be a better Batman / Joker than Keaton / Nicholson, but The Dark Knight (2008) soundly proved that wrong and even made us reflect on how shitty Batman (1989) really is.

By all indications this is a very comic book-feely movie. The colours are loud and vibrant, the action is intense, the villain is a big crazy lizard-man (I really hope they keep intact his power to talk to Reptiles, that was always so ridiculous. Also they always fought in Florida, what's up, Curt?). It's interesting where they may take this new Spider-Man, though, thanks to the inauspicious inclusion of Gwen Stacy, who as we all know, was Peter Parker's first love who also dies. Considering how this film seems to indicate some of Peter's ridiculous origin with his parents and all that crap, are we not that far from The Jackal and a Clone Saga movie? Or even something more of a straight shot in the Ultimate Universe? That, my friends, would suck eggs.

So where do we go from here? Clearly The Amazing Spider-Man has assaulted every kind of media outlet it could find for the past two months. It's successfully propped itself up on the integrity of its characters and not the memory of Tobey Maguire. Beyond anything it ought to prove that with the best characters there isn't a need for a "reboot" or reliance on previous material. I mean, this isn't all that revolutionary - Val Kilmer did this with Batman nearly two decades ago.

The Road to a Blockbuster: Madea's Stripper Teddy Bear

Hello everyone! It's another balmy Friday, the last in June and it's time for another installment of our Road to a Blockbuster series, a Summer-long examination of what it takes to become the next big thing critically, commercially, and culturally via the Hollywood Express. Today we see the release of three films with mid-level profiles that are all kind of randomly plopped in. Will audiences go out to see Tyler Perry in drag, Channing Tatum doing what he does best, or a Teddy Bear that sounds like Peter Griffin?

Let's start with Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection (2012). I can't believe they didn't go for "Witless Protection," it's not like any film by that name has done poorly. I haven't really expressed how much I dislike Tyler Perry on this blog, I guess it's the kind of thing that should go without saying. It's far to easy to criticise the man's penchant for black stereotypes, lazy writing, and irritating characters. Still, for all the haters, Tyler knows his market and he rocks the hell out of his niche and is one of the richest entrepreneurs in Hollywood. Still, you gotta think what the shit is he doing STILL making these kinds of movies when there isn't really a limit to what he could pull off right now. I guess if it ain't broke you don't fix it. Hey, the Commander of Starfleet can do what he wants. I still can't believe he's in that movie, and...nothing else.

So what about Madea? Although this will be Tyler Perry's 11th film in the past seven years, it's only the fourth starring Madea, although it seems like that thing has been everywhere. All his films do pretty well and the introduction of some recognizable white comic names like Eugene Levy and Tom Arnold may help it even cross outside of the African American market. That and a pretty decent add campaign that has relied less on Madea aggravating everyone and more on her put upon by whitey has marketed this thing at a higher level than most flicks.

This ought to do well, but there's a tremendous amount of competition from the soaring pair of animated flicks, Brave (2012) and Madagascar 3: Dumblefuck (2012), not to mention the other pair of releases this weekend. As for cultural impact, I don't think anyone who hasn't already turned on to Madea is turning on to Madea with this one.

Next is Magic Mike (2012), otherwise known as that Channing Tatum stripping movie. Advance reviews from this are actually fairly positive and there's good likelihood that it gets some decent word of mouth. Of course, it's a movie centering on MALE STRIPPERS. I'm not going to see a movie about male strippers. It's not a homophobic thing, I just...don't want to see a movie about male strippers. It had better be relying on the female dollar, or at least the put-upon boyfriend dollar who is trying to get his girl in the sack. Call me, Channing when we bang, I don't care.

This movie will, however, cement two things. 1) It's apparently one of Matty McConaughey's career best roles and it's him doing exactly what he should be, which is basically being swarthy and sexy, and also dumb and drawling. 2) It adds to 2012 universally being the YEAR OF C-TATES. If only G.I. Joe: Retaliation (20whatever) was still coming out this summer we'd really be laying the Tatum on thick. Does the fact it was shelved to re-tool more of the bro into it count as his growing Hollywood power? Can he and Jonah produce a 22 Jump Street (2014) soon? Heed our prayers, oh god of Channing.

Finally, the one movie I'm fairly excited for and what I think could become one of the Summer's Break-out hits, TED (2012). It's about a Teddy Bear that comes to life through boyhood dreams. Flash forward 27 years and that boy has grown up to be Marky Mark and the bear has grown into Seth MacFarlane. It's an elegant high concept, the marketing has been outstanding, and Wahlberg has been at his best lately doing comedy instead of action.

There have been a few R-rated comedies this summer that have done awful, namely The Dictator (2012) and That's My Boy (2012). Still, these films failed mostly on the weakness of their premises, the uninterestingness of their trailers, and in one way or another the failing pedigrees of their stars. TED has none of these, and America is itchy in its pants for the next great R-rated comedy. It's time, children.

So that's it. I don't see a reason why any of these films shouldn't do well besides the fact that they're cannibalizing each other for theater space. They're all opening around 2 - 3,000 theaters, and considering how even flicks like The Avengers (2012) are still in that many theaters, it's kind of ridiculous for them to break in. The marketing and hype has been good for these guys, even if it its fairly niche - but hey, that's good targeting.

Fuck you, thunder.

The Road to a Blockbuster: 80s Rock & Adam Sandler

Ah, so another Friday is upon us. More than that - it's a Summer Friday, baby. This means that a new crop of flicks are hitting the theaters with the hope of emerging with not only some great immediate cheddar but a sustainable cultural mark that will ensure quotes, DVD purchases, and Weekend Specials on F/X for decades to come. This week we have a pair of lighter fare after a couple of fairly self-serious entries: Rock of Ages (2012) and That's My Boy (2012).

Both of these flicks have had some great advertising campaigns over the past few weeks. That's My Boy has relied heavily on "Shots" by Lil Jon ft. LMFAO, which may be the greatest Party Drinking Song ever. When I hear that song all I want to do is take shots, followed by shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. It's been such a successful pairing that one makes you think of the other. If you're in the other room and you start hearing "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!" you think, "Hrmm, I might go see That's My Boy this weekend." Of course, Samberg is no stranger to wild nights. That's real.

The inclusion of Samberg in a Sandler film is a great benefit. It helps him get away from some of that Happy Madison fare that has been pretty universally awful lately. It's rare that he's paired up with someone who's not Kevin James these days, and Samberg playing the straight man who indulges his wild side looks promising. It also has a fantastic release date on Father's Day - what better bonding can you ask for?

The same weekend we have Rock of Ages. This is apparently a successful musical, but I can't really fathom why. Oh, I guess it's because the kind of Arena Glam Rock that fills this film is still massively popular with the aging population who actually enjoyed that era. It seems tremendously specific, counting on the fact that everyone wants to hear Tom Cruise sing some of the worst songs ever sang. Advance reviews indicate that the film has no idea how stupid it actually is, which is a big problem. Still, this has enough Star Power, a rarity in this age, to do well, although Tom Cruise's presence way off type hasn't really been played up, and nothing is guaranteed anymore. Still, musicals tend to perform well in Summer and this has a great chance to do well.

But what of their lasting legacies? If That's My Boy is indeed funny it has the potential to join a pantheon of recent successful R-Rated comedies like 21 Jump Street (2012), Bad Teacher (2011), and Horrible Bosses (2011). The depravity really needs to be ratcheted up, though - if it holds its promise of blood, drugs, & titties, it should turn into traditional Father's Day viewing for years to come. Clearly.

So what of Rock of Ages? Does anyone under 30 care about this music anymore? That's about how well this thing's legs will carry.

Both films open today - hooray!

The Road to a Blockbuster: Madagascar v. Prometheus

Another Summer Weekend is almost upon us and that means that some new movies are set to duke it out at the Box Office. This column seeks to discover more than just the fat paychecks these flicks will bring in to their creators - but also analyze the extent of the cultural waves made on this great nation. Actually in the current market the United States return is slim compared to the global appetite for great mindless action. It's for this reason that the biggest films have to be sparse on dialogue, relying on visual spectacle instead of the English language.

But at any rate we have two very different films coming at us this weekend. The first is another in a seemingly long line of extraterrestrial-themed movies we've encountered thus far in 2012 (The Avengers, Battleship, Men in Black 3, for starters) but Prometheus seems to present something different. Is it an Alien (1979) prequel? Probably, maybe, kind of? It has an intensity to the marketing that alludes to both its director and its familiar iconography of that great film of thirty years prior.

Here's the deal with Prometheus: even if it is some kind of direct successor to Alien, it hasn't really been marketed as such. Ever since its announcement and subsequent successful trailers (even if they seem to be spoiler-heavy [I've been avoiding them]) it has built up the kind of anticipation for an original story by a visionary director unheard of since Inception (2010). It's going after a very specific demographic, a cadre of nerds who want this to be the kind of truly harsh and disturbing sci-fi reality they can share with themselves that isn't as broad as The Avengers, doesn't have the stigma of Battleship, and doesn't try as hard to be as self-serious and edgy as Snow White & The Huntsman (2012). Is it weird that Snow White is the film that could steal the most of Promie's business this weekend? They're both pretty dark for Summer Flicks, but with certainly high aspirations. Still, Promie has an aura of authenticity and coolness replete from Snow White's gothic, desperate, revisionist tone. It almost seems destined to jump headfirst into the kind of pulp culture that's featured on a site like this. The only other film to really do that in recent memory is...well, Inception.

Positioned against Prometheus couldn't be more perfect counter-programming for kids (and weak-stomached adults, I guess) is Madagascar 3: Who Gives a Fuck (2012). Somehow in the long annals of animated trilogies this has survived and wins back DreamWorks nearly $200 mill domestic a pop. I actually had no idea what the subtitle was for this film, apparently it's Europe's Most Wanted. Apparently these critters are in Europe now? On some kind of Afro Circus I gather? The advertising for this flick has been short and intense. Suddenly last week there was a commercial blaring Afro Circus on television every 45 seconds. This is probably the most grating sequence ever unleashed upon mankind. Sometimes I can't believe Chris Rock would sink to this kind of level. Then I remember this and it all makes sense.

About to tear up the Orca

So where are we? It ought to be a close race to the top this weekend. I actually think tho that Prometheus has a bit more momentum behind it to come out on top. Culturally, I also think that this ought to be pretty hot, if only from being the second Charlize Theron flick to drop in two weeks, along with the growing clout of Noomi Rapace, and of course, the Shark himself, Michael Fassbender. Of course, as appropriate, it's more and more evident that the love for Fassbender is actually quite confined, as Russell Brand's failed MTV Movie Award jokes would attest to.

Of course the big question here is...Is Michael Fassbender actually a shark that has taught himself to walk on land? There is a tremendous amount of evidence to support this cutting edge theory. Basically, he has huge teeth, a fearsome smile, and the combination of handsomeness and charm that is only befitting of one of nature's oldest and most efficient predators. Naturally then, it would appear that Prometheus features Sharks in Space - and that, my friends, is quite the frightening concept indeed. I don't think we should be lulled into security around this guy. Think about it - a Shark who is a sex addict psychoanalyst who can bend metal with his mind? IN SPACE?! Holy dick. And I mean dick, because that Shark has a huge fucking dick as well.

This is the last post of Norwegian Morning Wood.

The Road to A Blockbuster: Snow White & the Huntsman

Here we are, another Summer Friday and there's another film trying to win it big at the Box Office. More than that though, it's a film trying to completely integrate it into our popular culture. It's the kind of incessant marketing and advertising that doesn't just make the film look good but makes our lives seem incomplete until we see it. Does Snow White & the Huntsman (2012) pull that off? No, of course not. More people want to see this thing that you'd think, though, and it could be a bit of a hit.

First of all, this flick has a tough Release Date. It's saddled in between Memorial Day's Men in Black 3 (2012)  and Ridley Scott's intriguing (if you've avoided the trailers and commercials that are full of spoilers) space epic, Prometheus (2012). The only luck is that MIB3 isn't really doing all that well and there's absolutely nothing else getting a wide release this weekend. That mean the game is allll Snow White's. Well that seems kind of bizarre.

Since when is Snow White cool? Or hardass fairy tale adaptations at all? The answer is no, this was never cool. Maybe sometimes. This is all the fault of Alice in Wonderland (2010), whose visually innovative yet narratively hollow hardcore Disney Princess live action treatment rocked the hell out of the Box Office. Snow White & the Huntsman seems like this weird amalgamation of Twilight, Harry Potter, Snow White, and crack. It's all blended together in a big soup with some weird glass monsters and forest monsters and who the hell knows what else.

So again - is this cool? The film seems to be banking on it. There's a big Catch-22 at work here. The "Snow White" in the title seems to be a turn-off for any and all dudes, but without it it would just be a film about some random chick in the woods with no brand recognition. It's key that this is a revisionist re-imaging of the classic sappy tale that was once the highest grossing film in the world. That is, it banks on itself being edgy and different and full of youth fantasy appeal - something new and weird and wonderful for the whole world to enjoy. I'm not sure they've pulled it off.

Needless to say there's some kind of Twilight element here as well. The film is supposed to center around Kristen Stewart, who we've certainly shown some appreciation for, and she's again proving her status, quite literally, as the Anti-Princess. In the Twilight series Kristen Stewart is this socially awkward, terrible looking girl who finds the most maddeningly addictive sort of love - kind of a hope for brunettes everywhere. This is the same idea - it's brunettes vs. blondes all over again and that the plain Kristen can triumph and be an unorthodox princess is integral. She could very well carry plenty of Twilight fans into this and the film seems overtly interested in capturing this demographic. I still can't believe a world where she's fairer than Charlize Theron, but who am I to judge.

The marketing has tried desperately to appeal to men because the film exists in this weird space where it centers on women but has very traditionally masculine themes of war and woods and big ugly monsters. To me, the only thing that really sells it is that Thor plays the Huntsman. That and the inclusion of lots of weird creepy monsters who have no real place in a Snow White story. Or so it seems!

So this flick should do pretty well, all in all. The advertising, tho seemingly a mesh of tropes has also placed a distinctive Gothic spin on its influences. It actually has the attention of many males I know although I still think it looks stupid. Thank goodness Thor has that big shield to fight off the Queen's glass monsters! C'mon. June is sort of packed but really, who is going to see this that is also pumped for Prometheus? Or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)? I bet this is more of a hit than you'd suggest.

Snow White & the Huntsman opens today.

First Impressions: Battleship

Oh, Battleship. What an OK game to play in my youth. I'd shout "B5!" and someone else would answer back "Miss!" And that was all there was for centuries. In the last few weeks though, we've seen this simple and fairly stupid game get a $209 million movie treatment, replete with Aliens, protagonists struggling to find their way, and of course, Rihanna. I, however, will not join the bandwagon in condemning this film - I actually sincerely believe it is one of the better films of Summer so far, an underrated gem that whose reputation will grow with age. Like Starship Troopers (1997) or Josie and the Pussycats (2001) before it, this is a hiddenly subversive film that mashes together Sci-Fi and Action film tropes, liberates the story from their need, and rests itself on higher ground than many other more common Blockbusters. For sure, plenty of SPOILERS will start here so if you are one of the half-dozen people out there who actually still plan on watching Battleship (2012) and enjoying it for yourself, leave now.

Pilgrims and Indians

Let's start with the big picture - the Alien Invasion. Except of course for the fact that this isn't an Alien Invasion at all. Numerous times in the film characters allude to the parallels between the Aliens touching down and the first European Settlers coming to America. Unable to work through their differences, the Europeans and some tribes of Native Americans went to war, which with their technological superiority, the Europeans came out triumphant. This is the major fear of the characters involved in Battleship - that their planet will be overrun by Aliens seeking to conquer them. This is naturally the built up suspicion from a lifetime of ingesting Sci-Fi stories like Battleship's contemporaries such as The Avengers (2012) and Men in Black 3 (2012).

That's not really the case here, though. The Aliens do not attack any humans unless the humans are aggressive first. It's also notable that humanity contacted them first, and when they arrived they are met with gunfire, suspicion, and destruction. They're also not an all-powerful race with super-strong armor like in the Transformers franchise, even a WWII Battleship puts some sizable dents in their best ride. Because of this, their communication ship goes down when it crashes into a satellite, accidentally landing in the middle of Hong Kong. This is misinterpreted by the humans as a threat, but really, the Aliens lost an integral part of their operation - probably their only ticket home.

We're conditioned to believe that these things are bad. The Aliens, though, are actually not all that different from Humans in their design, they're big fleshy, pale-skinned dudes with eyes and noses and lips and teeth. They don't mean to harm other than when defending themselves (and perhaps giving Oahu a little Shock and Aww) and they act fairly like a stranded group of survivors would. Think of a little Black Hawk Down (2001) and you can understand what these things are trying to do - it really upends the whole premise.

Within this idea there have been complaints that Battleship rips off a ton of source material, from Transformers, to Titanic (1997) and Pearl Harbor (2001), it's easy to see that it's playing with tropes rather than trying to steal from them and stand on its own. It outright makes fun of its own dialogue and the zaniness of the first half-hour establishes Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) as the opposite of any "Destined Hero." In fact, the ending does the same.

Speaking of Taylor Kitsch...

This poor guy has know starred in two of the biggest flops of the year, if not some of the more famous of all time. What kind of career is this cat going to have? It's not like he hasn't done a great job. He plays well into that reluctant but brilliant rebel, sort of like a dirtier version of Chris Pine's Kirk from Star Trek (2009). He has a nice dose of irreverence, attitude, and capability that makes him a unique and engaging star.

Still, neither John Carter (2012) nor Battleship had any faith in his star power even though he's at the center of both films, not the effects and hackneyed legacy, to which the marketing of both hitched their wagons to. That's one of both these flicks' major problems - they're pretty good, entertaining, cinematic originals because the spectacle tried to outrun the story, even though the story was pretty solid in both. This of course leads us to...

The Marketing Failure

The issue with Battleship doesn't lie in the film itself. It lies in a marketing campaign that was so totally off base that it laughed away any serious attention. It didn't put anyone in a frame of mind to critically examine a new kind of action film with a cool premise and an authentic array of characters. There's a bit of irony here. The world expected a rip-off of Transformers films and avoided this one - although people never seemed to avoid that series at all. This is yet ironic, because Battleship is far more original than any Transformers film because it had to invent its own narrative material. This puts it above other Hasbro adaptations like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) or even the possible Candy Land movie.

This was another hurdle that the film just couldn't get over. The problem here is that apparently no one realized the ridiculousness of associating the film with a toy. When Transformers (2007) was first made, it wasn't just the toys that it built its franchise on, it was thirty years of animated movies, cartoon shows, and comic books, as well as some of the most recognizable characters from the childhood of Generations X and Y. This doesn't work the same way with a game that had no previous association with Aliens and thus the juxtaposition is rather jarring to just throw at a potential audience, seemingly with full seriousness. As mentioned, this isn't really the case, and nothing about the "Invasion" is typical, and this should have been a selling point. It wasn't.

With all this nonsense though, the filmmakers actually did work in a lengthy scene that connects rather directly with the original Board Game. It's a fairly ingenious connection and has some of the most tension, character development, and human success in the film. Isn't that curious? While disparaging the source material, almost all critics have agreed that the only scene that actually calls back to the source material is by far the best in the film?

There's also Rihanna. Oh, Rihanna. She isn't used for sex here, although there is plenty of unsubtle Male Perspective and boobie shots, mostly of Brooklyn Decker. I don't know why Rihanna is here and it's kind of funny and weird and awesome whenever she's on screen. Still, she doesn't take away from the film at all, and does what she needs to do, even if her speech about her father's Alien Prediction kind of comes out of left field and is never really revisited. Sequel in Barbados, anyone? If this film got her a role in Fast Six, that's OK with me. Just answer me why we didn't get a kick-ass Rihanna tie-in song for the Summer instead of Tom Morello's stuff?

This is also by and large a proud Navy film, and after years of highlighting Marines or the Air Force or SEALS, isn't it about time these boys (and girl) got a solid action flick? They even incorporate some of the Navy's most relevant history when John Carter recruits a horde of WWII vets for the final Alien Battle.

OK, So it was pretty goofy.

There is some pretty bad dialogue. It's kind of insane to see all these 90-year olds fighting Aliens on the USS Missouri. The acting is never really great. I don't really know what the point of Brooklyn Decker's hike up the mountain was other than to provide exposition, telling her bf John Carter what to blow up. There also seems to be some ignored significance in having the American and Japanese Navies unite to work in tandem right across the bay from Pearl Harbor. There's a lot of stuff that probably shouldn't be happening.

All of this contributes to the fun, though. None of it really gets in the way of the story, and every character is extremely likeable instead of frustrating. There is tension enough to panic for the characters, but never so much that it becomes indigestible. It's one of the more perfect Summer Movies that has hit theaters in a long time. Above all else, its subtext is intriguing and does things for its genre far beyond something like The Avengers, which seems awfully cliched in hindsight. I said it. I would take Battleship over The Avengers.

Let the Internet hate me forever.

The Road to a Blockbuster: Three Men in Black

Today we see the release of a few films, the biggest of which is Men in Black 3 (2012). I imagine, however, that years from now we'll be surely more interested in Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom (2012), which seems to capture some of the spirit from his earlier classics like Rushmore (1998) and The Royal Tenenbaums (2001). But our focus in these things are the loudest, trashiest attempts to jockey for a position as the Top Dog of Summer - so how does MIB3 stack up?

The original Men in Black (1997) was a phenomenon and has really stood atop the Sci-Fi Comedy charts unchallenged since its debut. It had a near-perfect mix of comedy, action, and horror as well as chemistry between likeable stars, an engaging high concept and iconic imagery, characters, and gadgets. It's simultaneously a successful Buddy Movie, Sci-Fi Movie, and Comedy Movie. One of the only other films that it could be compared to really in tone and genre is Ghostbusters (1984).

So where did this franchise go? After a great animated series that captured the weirdness while adding layers to a sleek and complex universe and then a truly terrible film sequel, there hasn't been much else to it. Will Smith has been one of the last great movie stars, from Independence Day (1996) all the way up to Hancock (2008). He hasn't done shit since Hancock, though, and MIB3 is more than a test of his Box Office Power than the test of any Star's Box Office Power. Johnny Depp already shit the bed this summer with the failure of Dark Shadows (2012). Outside of those two the list of A-Listers who can guarantee a big opening is getting slim.

Steer here with your asshole...

So what are MIB3's chances of echoing the cultural force of the first installment? About the same as Tommy Lee Jones actually turning into Josh Brolin. The schtick here is adding time travel to get Will Smith back to the 60s and a Brolin playing Lee's Agent K to perfection. Beyond that and shots of what appears to be The Entity, there isn't a whole lot more buzz here. For all his blockbuster prowess, Will Smith actually generally doesn't do that many sequels and for good reason. His films are usually far more successful as stand-alone pieces. There's not much more to go in the story beyond the end of I, Robot (2004) or I Am Legend (2007) beyond the absolute ridiculous. Men in Black was actually the one movie universe that could actually work episodically, as it's essentially a procedural. A pretty weird procedural to be sure, but one nonetheless.

What the hell

But there was no desire for this. No one cares about MiB anymore. I feel like every Blockbuster this summer will be measured against The Avengers (2012). That is, can any film do both the business The Avengers has done and be as marketable, palatable, and enjoyable. Besides a bizarre re-teaming of the two leads of No Country for Old Men (2007) playing Agent K, there's nothing here that screams must-see. It's a desperate cash-cow rather than an organic convalescence. Not that any Blockbuster is an organic convalescence, but there are certainly more appropriate and interesting places to revive a decades-old franchise than sending Will Smith back in time to apparently save Tommy Lee Jones and also prevent an invasion by giant Jellyfish.

Still, this is the kind of smartass character Will Smith played early in his career before he became really brooding in I, Robot, I Am Legend, and Hancock. It's a welcome return because it's what he did so well in Independence Day, the earlier MiBs and Bad Boys, and of course Wild Wild West (1999). Now that I've been able to mention every huge Will Smith action movie ever I can say that MIB3 may be forever known as the first of these that didn't do spectacular business in the past decade. I actually think The Avengers is still sucking up quite a bit of the market.

The Road to a Blockbuster: The Dictator and Battleship try to Avenge

In this, the last Summer in History, we've already seen a sureproven Blockbuster. The Avengers (2012) has set the bar awfully high for any other film to challenge it. The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) or The Dark Knight Rises (2012) may come close, but everyone else is playing an awfully tough game of catch-up. Opening today are two films that are trying awfully awfully hard to become the next big thing - The Dictator (2012) and Battleship (2012).

Sacha Baron Cohen seems poised to nail a final stake in all the good acclaim he's been riding since Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006). The key with that film was the wit and irony it had along with the immaturity and gross-out humour. Brüno (2009), arguably starring a funnier character than Borat, lacked the solid narrative of Borat (yes, somehow this is true) and thus the gags were hollow. The Dictator seems like an interesting, controversial premise with a lot of potential. It lies at the apex of bad taste, and reviews so far haven't been all that terrible. That said, it seems almost out of date coming after a year where we saw the deaths of Kim Jong Il, Osama bin Laden, and the movie's most obvious inspiration, Momar Gaddafi.


But we've never really cared about the quality of a film. The bottom line makes Hollywood go round, and will this film be palatable enough to engage a wide audience and ensure a mark on comedy for years to come? Will we look forward to late Saturday night unedited airings on Comedy Central around 2015? Those are the questions we want to get after - Will this thing be a Blockbuster?


I don't really think so. The film has reeked of desperation for weeks and it seems ill-timed to become a classic. With this kind of thing to be really shocking and funny it inherently needs to be an excellently constructed film. Instead, the plot seems well-worn, insipid, and uninspired. The key to attract audiences should be the opposite. Baron Cohen has committed to the character for sure, but the film has been pushed on audiences rather than offered for them to accept it. The buzz period has been long and arduous and when the anticipation transitioned from mysterious weird photos and a general irrelevance to actual joke and plot revelations hype cooled rather than fired up. This is not ideal. After the same jokes have been played over and over again (you can think of them immediately - Admiral General Aladeen shooting his way to win a track race, throwing garbage at a cab, and then appearing to want to bomb the Statue of Liberty in a helicopter), it seems like all the funny is drained out. All in all, the best thing may be the Soundtrack - although once you understand the postmodern joke of it all, there's not much more to that, either.


We've also got Battleship this weekend. Finally! This is perhaps one of the more insane films of all time. From the first trailer line, "From the Hasbro company that brought you Transformers" we all started preparing for the ridiculous. This is a movie, yes from the same company as Transformers, that appears to completely rip-off that franchise, particularly Dark of the Moon (2011).

I want Rihanna to star in Avengers 2 as Moon Knight.

I've never seen a movie make so much out of nothing before. Sure, it's a difficult hurdle to get over the fact that it's an entire film based on this, but they've ramped up the crazy here like few mainstream flicks before it. Why are there aliens attacking from the sea? I guess the planet is mostly ocean, it should make sense, really. This is truly a landmark Blockbuster, though, if it succeeds it will prove that the incredible stupidity of a franchise like Transformers is wholly transferable to any Summer Tentpole. This is a dangerous idea. In all likelihood though, this will cave to The Avengers, and that kind of big filmmaking will win the day. Hopefully.


Battleship has tried to hard to be a Blockbuster. It's been advertised for months and months and forced itself into everyone's minds in part due to how absolutely terrible it looks. Now, making old 80s cartoons like Transformers and G.I. Joe into really cool thrill-ride action films works because there's always been that potential there. The realistic depiction of the robot-on-robot fighting in Transformers (2007) is kind of how we all pictured it when we mashed our toys together. This doesn't really work with Battleship. You can't make this board game suddenly cool with pegs and grids and be dark, edgy, and cool. That's retarded.


Still, there had better be some kind of "You sunk my battleship" line. Otherwise, what's the point, really? It seems like a film that is going for it all - excessive stupidity, meaningless stakes, an incoherent plot, and a complete disregard for convention, class, or authenticity. With this we may hope for a truly postmodern Blockbuster - one that doesn't care about its product at all and exists only as a conduit for studios to take an audiences' money while giving them nothing in return. That is kind of exciting. Still, the stupidity of both of these movies will hold them back while there is still something like The Avengers available to audiences to experience.


Both The Dictator and Battleship open today - go check 'em out and see if I'm right.

The Road to a Blockbuster: The Avengers and a Complete Lack of Subtlety

Last year we went through this with THOR (2011). I went into detail about how hard THOR tried to become an EVENT - that big cultural phenomenon that focuses the entire nation's energy for a few hours on a single movie. Lately it seems as if this has been a more obvious trend, or perhaps I'm just older and more cognizant of it. Studios through marketing, word-of-mouth, and carefully crafted hype and viral campaigns attempt to position themselves artificially as the next big thing, even if the film is wildly off the mark. This essentially happened with THOR, at a final tally of $181 million, it's far from a flop, but not necessarily the $300+ million expected after Iron Man (2008) proved to be a game changer.

This year has been really interesting with the kind of ruthless advertising studios have done to re-position their products against each other. The goal here is to not only rule the Box Office, of course, but to be the topic of conversation on every tongue in America. March 2012 saw the debut of two films that couldn't have had more different set-ups and more different pay-outs. Indeed, the hype was so huge that it seemed like Summer was here already.

Disney advertised John Carter (2012) ridiculously, and sought to make it a tentpole film, one that could spawn an entire franchise of sequels and toys and pictures of Taylor Kitsch on slushies. Ultimately this was due to the fact that Disney knew what it had on its hands - an absolute flop, the reasons for which are too complex to get into here, although, in true Avengers fashion, the Hulk does a fine job describing why. John Carter was set up to be that national talking point, unfortunately the only thing people talked about was how poorly it performed at the Box Office.

The Marvel equivalent to LeBron, Wade, and Bosh

We can contrast this with The Hunger Games (2012), which is has been the most successful film to secure for itself a spot in the national consciousness in years. On a budget nearly a third of John Carter's it has crossed over five times as much cash. More than that though, for four weeks all anyone talked about was The Hunger Games. Its characters, setting, and basic plot elements have seeped into every corner of American culture. I have not seen the film but I know that in a dystopian future United States named Panem, Katniss Everdeen volunteers in place of her sister to represent District 12 in the annual Hunger Games, falls for two other dudes, gets mentored by Woody Harrelson, and eventually wins the thing without really killing anyone, because you know, THAT would be just wrong. That is what all movies want to be - so huge that someone not even in their demographic, who has not even seen the film or has a desire to see the film knows everything about it. Every film this summer should seek to do what The Hunger Games has done.

This brings us to The Avengers (2012). No matter how well this film does, it should make Blockbuster history. Never before has there been such a simultaneously disparate and connected shared cosmos between films as big as this or a lead-in so long and devoted. Let's get back to Iron Man, though. Even though Superheros have dominated the movies for the better part of a decade, only two have really stood out as huge earners - Spider-Man and Batman. Iron Man is the quintessential B-Hero, mostly known in the great debate of whether or not he wore underpants underneath his Iron Suit. When he flew to $300 million, virtually tying Indiana Jones in 2008 it seemed as if more of these B-Heroes, when handled properly, could be the key to a great fortune.

Iron Man was followed by The Incredible Hulk (2008), Iron Man 2 (2010), THOR, and Captain America: The First Avenger (2011). Everyone outside of Iron Man has done alright, none unprofitable, but it's clear that Robert Downey Jr.'s charm was driving a lot of Iron Man's success. The Avengers have done a nice job of highlighting his role over Chris Evans' or Chris Hemsworth's, but it still seems like they haven't positioned themselves as neatly as they could have. Sure it has plenty of buzz, but where's the cheap sell-outs, the constant video spots, the intrusion in the national conscious? Where's its Mazda ads?

The agnostic's delight

It's there. The Avengers have done a spectacular job of infiltrating our minds and culture without us even realising it. My favourite may be the Avengers Hero Bologna. Seriously. It's also notable that F/X has been getting us into the mood by playing non-stop Marvel Superhero movies, mostly Daredevil (2003) and Ghost Rider (2007), but nevertheless it's priming us toward those superhero beats and expanding our spirit of disbelief. F/X has also been airing AVABAR (2009) every night this week, but that's besides the point.

It does have a Dr. Pepper line, thank goodness. I was worried about that one. You need a Dr. Pepper line. I'm thinking at this point along the same lines as The Hunger Games. Lionsgate didn't hammer us over the head with advertising. They just knew their product was going to be huge after years of hype. It wasn't a disappointment. The Avengers will be the same way. There isn't a need to saturate the market with advertising and buzz because we're already there. We've had four years of anticipation and budding interest. Also, apparently it's the tits. It has also seeped into our talk in other ways, such as these very cool Black Widow and Hawkeye posters. In a sense, The Avengers almost seems like it has come out already - there is plenty of fan speculation, art, excitement, and energy surrounding the production, and it feels as if it's been bulging and bubbling for years. That's really because it has, and despite a dearth of talk, there has never really been a question of its success.

The big showdown this Summer when we get down to it, is between The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises (2012). Can one Batman do what it takes seven Avengers to do? Probably. He's done it before. More importantly though, who will leave the greater cultural imprint? The Avengers have always been a cheerier story than Batman, and Christopher Nolan's vision has always hinged on a darker and realistic environment that has influenced just about every Superhero portrayal since (actually, except for the Marvel tie-in films). The big questions with The Avengers is simply whether or not it will be able to balance its disparate elements, provide a catharsis as satisfying as its build-up, and deliver a product that will make all the crap that came before it worthwhile.

As of right now the film should be in the midst of its midnight premiere. What are you doing sitting here?!