16 July 2012

Summer Jam Week 10: Katy, Demi, Carly Bring a Mid-Season Titshow

Hey folks, it's time once again for us to recollect the hottest Summer Jams of the past week. Every week this Summer we're tallying up the most Jam-worthy tracks to see who is all in all, the Final Summer Champion - that one track that we'll always remember as being the Jam of 2012, the Final Summer. Now, this week we've already had a very special Mid-Season Hot Review highlighting some of the freshest jams out there, but none of these are really that popular to be counted amidst the True Spicy Jams. In fact I'm quite sure I've gone out on a limb with many of them. Here are your True Megajams of the Week:

Hot Track of the Week: "Scream" by Usher

Check out the aforementioned Hot Review for many more tricked-out jams but for the core list, we're giving you a little dose of the Ursh this week. The only thing you really need to know about this track is that it sounds just like every other Usher song ever made and might as well have come out years ago. Usher can be fantastic when he really steps out of bounds, usually in collabos such as "Yeah," "Same Girl," and "Hot Tottie," but this kind of shit is the worst kind of cookie-cutter pop R&B bullshit.

I Am Iron Woman: "Titanium" by David Guetta ft. Sia

Guetta again hides behind the true talent - a voice like Sia's. We're living in the DJ Era, folks, it's up to us to not support this level of douchery. Would it kill you to play a little Foghat, Guetta? Just mix it in, bro. This song does kind of suck, to be honest, I'm not really sure if I'm supposed to dance to it or smoothe to it or what, but it's popular and it's here to stay.

Give Your Fart a Break: "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato

I don't feel like Demi gets the recognition she deserves as a true decent pop artist. It's probably because she's a brunette. And the fact that her songs kind of suck. She is cute though, in the sense that it's kind of tough to figure out what race she is. Also it's great to sing about giving your Fart a break - because Farts are hilarious! Moving on.

Just Blow: "Whistle" by Flo Rida

It's nice to see the great state of Flo Rida gets another song gaining some ground this summer. Florida is the nation's leading authority on Hip-Pop that Doesn't Suck, but it's still frustrating that he seems like the only one trying to be creative about being really dirty. Okay, he's not totally subtle, but moreso than Usher at least. See, you can't just come out and announce to the word that you're craving a blow job, you just gotta ask a baby to whistle a bit. She'll come. She'll do it. Also, anyone notice how hideous Flo Rida is without his sunglasses? Keep them on, dude.

Any Night: "Some Nights" by fun.

Infuriating punctuation aside, fun. has a vid for this song, inexplicably set during the American Civil War, but it's serving to increase the profile and potential of a great Summer Jam. I mean, Guy Pierce really gets into this. Guy's having a big year, actually - from his TED talk to an unrelated appearance in Prometheus (2012), the epic film, possibly one of the all-time greats, Escape from Space (2012), and now a younger version of him is the lead singer of this crappy but zeitgeist-seizing pop-alt band! What a time to be alive.

There's gotta be at least seven dollars worth of change here: "Payphone" by Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

Sometimes I catch this track on the radio and I think to myself "Whoa, what's this new Wiz song?" because A) I don't listen to this enough to recognize his verse and B) It's the only nasty part of the jam. I've never seen a band descend more into terrible territory than Maroon 5, but at least we're talking about them. They're certainly pumping up the overexposed buzz for Overexposed. With Steve and Jen leaving American Idol to focus more on their own music careers (which have only been rejuvenated thanks to Idol), will Adam leave The Voice to do the same? All I know is that I don't really give a shit either way.

Slipped but Strong: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly's still all over the place and any challenger is going to be fairly hard-pressed to oust her as Queen of Summer Jam 2012 at this point. Is that such a bad thing? It's clearly bubble gum pop but positive and catchy as shit. There's certainly more problematic pop culture that tweens could be obsessed with besides some innocuous flirting. Let's just hope the dude Carly gives her number to doesn't come back and rape her! Moving on.

So She Hates Fame Now: "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry

I can't think of anyone else who likes fame and attention more than Katy Perry. It's bizarre to me then that her latest hit seems to be a negative reaction to this and she also made some public statements this past week that she wants to spend some time out of the limelight. That would be fair and understandable to anyone else, but this is Katy Perry, who just came out with a movie that did fairly reasonable, but offers a personal (highly doctored) look into her life story (it was pretty easy) and this, her newest, hottest jam from a track not off Teenage Dream. It seems far fetched that she would step down with all this going on, but who knows, maybe we need to give Big Boobs here more credit than she deserves at this point. Anyway, she's #1 this week.

Next Week....

So we have a tremedous amount of new fresh jams this week and it's possible any one of them busts out. I'm betting the most on either Olly Murs or the tight collabo between Wiz "Nobody Beats Me" Khalifa, Big "Jazzy Jeff" Sean, and Chris "Woman Abuser" Brown on "Till I Die." For the moment though, the game is Katy's - we'll see if Carly feels like upsetting that Big Boobed Balance.

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