02 July 2012

The Long Halloween Vol. III - Canada Day

Folks, once again it's time for the Long Halloween - Norwegian Morning Wood's monthly annual look at the best media to intake on the greatest holidays of the year. Now, usually you'd predict this week reserved for Independence Day on Wednesday, but this is the Obscure Edition. It's time not for the Birthday of America, but the Birthday of Canada.

Happy Canada Day, every body! Aren't those Northern Neighbors ripping us off for posting their birthday during the same week as ours? Those Canadians are always hitching their wagon to us. After all, Canada : USA :: New Zealand : Australia.

Yes sir, Mr. Prime Minister
But nevertheless, on this day in 1867 the United Kingdom united all of their North American territories, at the time them being Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Canada, into a singular nation with limited political rights. Basically the way Canada is today. Now, normally this is July 1st, but since the 1st is on a Sunday this year, the actual day is considered to be today, the 2nd. Needless to say, many of those wonky Canucks were celebrating and partying it up yesterday nevertheless.

So, it's Canada time. It's kind of like a boring version of Mexico time, but with strong cider and lumberjacks instead of Coronas and vaqueros. So fitting that we're able to celebrate both of our wacky neighbors within the same summer. Lumberjacks in particular are underrated. Canada is really their last domain where they are free to fight their unending battle against trees and live peacefully and plaidfully in their natural habitat. Isn't that really the Canadian Dream? To one day, if you're good and eat your syrup and lick your beaver every day, to go out and build your own cabin by the sweat of your brow and the brawn of your beard. Truly, as the sun sets on the Canadian Wilds and a gleam of light glints off the Lumberjack's axe, you realize, this is paradise.

...which actually looks incredible
So, what's the best way to do honour this proud and noble people? Sample some fine Canadian cuisine of course, which should feature drinking either Molson or Labatt's and a finely ground Caribou Burger. There are actually substantial lists of this shit on Wikipedia, but as long as you're pouring Syrup on whatever you're eating, you'll render it Canadian. That includes the beer. Syrup, after all, is to Canadians as Salsa is to Mexicans. Just sidle it onto any dish and let the international fest begin! You can also chow on some Poutine, pictured at right....

So, what to pop in the ol' VHS player this day? How about Strange Brew (1983), featuring Canadian Icons Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas. Beer and hosers is all you need. You should also indulge in a love of hockey with Goon (2011), which involves not only the National Sport, but also the great pastimes of fighting and banging homely women. And I bet you thought I'd say Slap Shot (1977). I can't dig enough on Goon, though, and if you're a lover of the game or the great land of Canada, it's a must see.

The possibilities of this day are endless, really. Watch some VHS tapes of Kids in the Hall or any one of seven special South Park episodes, along with the 1999 film. Truly it's a great day. So, grow a beard, chop down a tree, ride a moose, read some Wolverine comics, and learn to fall in love all over again with the everlasting, eversnowing Canada. Eh?

One day, we'll all live on the moon.
July is also a month that holds Moon Day on the 20th. I really wanted to rant about the Moon, and thought it was fairly relevant to be included here, after all, it has a higher population than Canada, anyway. So, if our friendly white neighbor to the far, FAR north is more to your liking, feel free to celebrate the Moon in all its glowing glory! Will the Moon eventually declare war on the Earth? That, my friends, is inevitable, but why not watch Sam Rockwell give an incredible underrated performance in Moon (2009) while we wait for that thing to fall. Once the Moon does fall, can you guess where the safest place on Earth will be? That's right - with the natural survival and syrup-gathering instincts of the Lumberjacks of Canada! Because the sugar gives you energy. That's why.

Stay tuned for more posts of exactly this caliber.

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