Summer 2016 in Review Part II: LOSERS and Bad Burritos

Earlier this week we discussed all the Winners of Summer 2016, which can be easily summed up as Animated Films, Horror Films, and Captain America: CIVIL WAR (2016). Now for the much more fun part - the losers. And there are quite a few of them. This summer seemed notable for its continuous string of failures. Most of these had a smaller net gross than those on the Winning List, but there's quite a bit of difference when you're budget is $17 million vs. $175 million. Now, many of these films made their budget back, but that's not really the only way we can judge cinematic failure. Some of these just didn't reach the heights of their predecessors (since 9/14 are sequels), or perhaps did well overseas, but just didn't get the spark going domestically. In fact, almost all of these elicit that reaction of "Oh yeah, that came out this year, didn't it?" Well, not only this year, but like three months ago. That's rough.

LOSERS

X-Men: Apocalypse

Budget: $178 Million
Domestic Gross: $155 million
Worldwide Gross: $541 million

Now, it's odd to call $541 million a failure the same way that people weirdly piled on Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) for grossing $200 million more than Man of Steel (2013). But the real stinger here is how relatively weak this flick was compared to the other X-men films. This was supposed to be the culmination of that universe - finally the biggest of all bads, Apocalypse on the big screen. The issue, of course, is that Thanos (and even Darkseid at this point), has had more of a build-up, Days of Future Past (2014) already felt like both the culmination and a nice bow to the universe, and generally the film sucked. While it's the #3 X-movie worldwide, it came about $200 million short of Days of Future Past, and more importantly, $240 million short of Deadpool (2016). Deadpool! How did this happen.

Ghostbusters

Budget: $144 million
Domestic Gross: $124 million
Worldwide Gross: $208 million

I think I've finally come around to stop defending this film. I wanted it to be good so bad to shut up the anti-women haters out there, but we need to face facts - this was a monumental bungling. To be fair, it's about right where a Paul Feig film should be, except a budget double that of its most comparable analogue, SPY (2015) is problematic. I might say it's at least made a significant cultural impact, at least due to its completely unwarranted controversy, although it ultimately can't stand on any sort of critical level with the original. Then again, nothing can. Despite what SONY says, its cinematic failure can't be doubted and despite one of the more talented comedic casts in recent memory, it totally comes up short.

Independence Day: Resurgence

Budget: $165 million
Domestic Gross: $102 million
Worldwide Gross: $382 million

I'm not sure I'd even call this a really awful film necessarily, but it is certainly more of the same old shit and considering the original Independence Day has become a cultural landmark, regardless of arguments over its actual quality, and grossed triple what this thing did twenty years ago (and over double worldwide before that was really a thing that people cared about), there's no question that it came up drastically short of expectations. In 1996 this was THE movie to see. In 2016 it felt like just another whatever, crap, explosions, crap at the movie theater. That's less of an issue than people might think, because the marketing made it look cool. It just really was never something people wanted.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Budget: $135 million
Domestic Gross: $81 million
Worldwide Gross: $240 million

Speaking of films nobody wanted...here you go! I'll actually respect Out of the Shadows for doubling down on ridiculousness and embracing its inner camp and appeal to weird little boys. I probably would have loved this if it came out 25 years ago. It never caught on, possibly because although the first of these new reinstallments did pretty well financially, no one seems to have swell memories of that abomination. I wouldn't even mind more of the campy side of things, but the once nice thing about all these bombs is that all these franchises may finally be dead. Probably. Probably not, to be honest.

Alice Through the Looking Glass

Budget: $170 million
Domestic Gross: $77 million
Worldwide Gross: $294 million

Here's where we start getting into the "unbelievably bad" section of films. How did Through the Looking Glass gross less than a third of its predecessor? Well, a disinterest in the novelty of 3D is a huge reason. Also, Alice in Wonderland (2010) was a clear aberration, even if its production design is pretty cool. No one has been waiting with baited breath on this one. There is no "Oh, I wonder where that story goes!?" or "I can't wait to see another wacky Johnny Depp whiteface character!" Through the Looking Glass was domestically outgrossed by The Purge: Election Year (2016). Let that settle in you for a bit.

Now You See Me 2

Budget: $85 million
Domestic Gross: $65 million
Worldwide Gross: $320 million

If only this was named Now You Don't. Does anyone remember Now You See Me (2013)? Do you remember how good that cast was? I always remember thinking, why are all these great actors in such a terrible movie. There are like two Academy Award winners and three additional nominees in that cast. What the hell is that? The movie didn't make any sense, though, and adding Harry Potter in a non-flatulence based role doesn't help anything. It actually came close to its predecessor's worldwide total, but the better question might be why a sequel existed for a film that only made $117 million domestically.

Ice Age: Collision Course

Budget: $105 million
Domestic Gross: $61 million
Worldwide Gross: $315 million

Has the Ice Age series finally run its (collision) course? The unbelievably grossed $100 million less than the previous worst-grossing film in the franchise, Continental Drift (2012). At least that one had awkward singing pirates. Usually these shitty films at least do well worldwide, although this was outgrossed by even the original Ice Age (2002), which somehow came out 14 fucking years ago. I've generally been amazed that this franchise has somehow made it to five movies, which is far more than any other major animated theatrical franchise. Is it finally dead? I'd be pretty content with a series of Scrat shorts.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising

Budget: $35 million
Domestic Gross: $55 million
Worldwide Gross: $107 million

Alright, so this flick definitely outscored its budget and did pretty well worldwide for a comedy, but for a heavily marketed Seth Rogen comedy that came off the heals of his most successful live action comedy, this didn't do so well. Neighbors (2014) out-grossed this by $100 million domestically, and felt like way more of a thing than this one did. It might be slightly funnier, but Sorority Rising really delivered a pretty good sequel. For whatever reason it didn't connect as well, which is weird, because even though I'm sure no one was super-into a sequel, does it matter for a comedy? It's all about what can make you laugh, right? I think the novelty was diminished here, and even looking back on it, it's not like this was an immortal comedy that changed anyone's life. 22 Jump Street (2014) still holds that distinction.

The BFG

Budget: $140 million
Domestic Gross: $53 million
Worldwide Gross: $153 million

So now we're getting into really really rough and sad territory. On paper partnering Spielberg and Roald Dahl seems like a great idea. It's a really genuine family film full of whimsy and spectacle that got decent reviews and could have been a great time. Still, doesn't this feel like a November film rather than a July film? I don't think it could get past its CGI creepy uncanny valley awkwardness, as much as it tried, and no matter how good of an actor he is, Mark Rylance just doesn't put butts in seats. It's also not like we're in a Dahl-mania or anything. Outside of Chocolate Factory movies, I think we're over-appraising how popular he is, or at least how much book readers want to see movies, because its gross was actually right in line with other adaptations. This might have done better, at least in the long-term (and for the budget) with a Wes Anderson-style Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) which married the material with the director really well, and while it also didn't really make its budget back, at least people are still into it seven years later. Maybe it's speaking too soon for The BFG, but how many CGI characters still look good seven years later?

Warcraft

Budget: $160 million
Domestic Gross: $47 million
Worldwide Gross: $433 million

Oh, China. You may have saved Pacific Rim (2013), and the $220 million you gave Warcraft may have saved this franchise, too. Can you really greenlight a sequel to a film that grossed a quarter of its budget in the States, though? It's a tough call for sure. They might do better to produce another film and then just focus on Chinese and worldwide marketing, with a limited US release. In many ways, Warcraft could signal an entirely new era in international filmmaking, one that pushes the International gross even farther than it does now. Or they could say "fuck it" because holy shit what a terrible movie.

Pete's Dragon

Budget: $65 million
Domestic Gross: $45 million
Worldwide Gross: $60 million

Who at Disney biffed this flick's worldwide release? By all accounts Pete's Dragon was actually a pretty great family film, and legions ahead of the atrocious 1977 version, but that never really caught on with audiences. Disney mis-read our love for the old one a bit and probably could have used some more context, or even a flashier title, because no one really remembers what the hell that old crap was. This isn't The Jungle Book (1967), which is pretty adored and well-known. Where is my all-CGI animal Robin Hood (1973) live action reboot?

Free State of Jones

Budget: $50 million
Domestic Gross: $20 million
Worldwide Gross: $20 million

I have a lot of questions about this. Why is Matthew McConaughey in this? Why did it come out in the middle of June against Independence Day and The Shallows (in fact, its stiffer competition was Finding Dory, Central Intelligence, and The Conjuring 2, all of which and the above beat it)? How did it cost $50 million to make? Wait, was it seriously in theaters for only a month? Are we overloading on slavery narratives? What does that mean for Birth of a Nation (2016)? Is that even a thing that can happen?

Ben-Hur

Budget; $100 million
Domestic Gross: $13 million
Worldwide Gross:$26 million

Now, to be fair, Ben-Hur only came out six days ago, and it'll surely make more money than this. Still, even with a really good hold it's probably looking at that $30-$35 million range domestically, and it's tough to say worldwide, but it's a real possibility it doesn't make back its absurd $100 million budget, without even taking in account marketing and theater costs. Did they really think this could make the $250 mill or so worldwide it would take to clear all its ancillary costs? That's crazy. That's so damn insane. Ben-Hur is probably THE flop of 2016, made even more painful by the fact the truly truly no one gives a shit at all. There's some sting with Independence Day and Ghostbusters tripping. There's really nothing but apathy here.

POPSTAR: Never Stop Never Stopping

Budget: Unknown
Domestic Gross: $9 million
Worldwide Gross: $9 million

So this one isn't making any more money. It did outgross MacGruber (2010)! This is that one that stings. It currently ranks as the 4,458th highest grossing film of all time and the single worst wide opening film of the Summer. Hell, seven films beat it that maxed out in less theaters, some significantly less, like a thousand theaters less. It's really proven how unviable Andy Samberg is at the Box Office, along with his Lonely Island partners and directors Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone. They've had tremendous success on SNL and...their comedy albums I guess, but that's never really translated. I'm not sure how many more chances these idiots will get, and that's a shame, because I, for one, am a huge stupid fan. At least Samberg has Brooklyn Nine-Nine to crawl back to. POPSTAR was bad in a not okay way though. It's amazing to me that he was arguably one of the bigger modern SNL stars to break out, but has tripped so much when given his chance to shine in movies.

Well, folks, we've covered the Winners and Losers. What's that you say? Your favourite summer film wasn't in either of these lists?! Well, stay tuned because there are a ton of films yet to go which aren't really...good or bad. That mystical meh zone where they did kind of okay - that's the most thrilling list of all! Return, loyal readers and behold, our majesty!

Aliens, Slavery, and Big Ol' Meanie Shark Help Us Close Out June

Every Friday this Summer we've been discussing the cultural, critical, and commercial merits of the big blockbuster wide-release films dropping each week. This season has been stunning for both its plethora of releases as well as how little anyone seems to care about them. Week in and week out there have been a lot of titles dropped, some more intriguing than others, but it's almost as if nothing has gotten a fair shake.

Of course, the real point is that audiences seem to be going for movies that they want to see. It's not a sequel or prequel thing. Captain America: CIVIL WAR (2016) and Finding Dory (2016) have had phenomenal openings, and in the case of the latter, which just came out last week, is assured to have a healthy run at the box office. It wasn't a secret that no one cared about Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016). Anyone could have told you that was a terrible idea.

So now we're on to the Final Weekend of June - even though June 24th feels like there's a lot of month left. There are three big releases hitting the multiplex today with a couple of smaller ones that are even more interesting. In descending order we have Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), The Shallows (2016), and Free State of Jones (2016). Clawing around down there we also have releases of Nicholas Winding Refn's The Neon Demon (2016), at a mild 1000 theaters, and Swiss Army Man (2016), which looked like one of the most original films of the year, at way more limited theaters than that. Why don't more people want to see a magical dead farting Harry Potter? We could talk about these all day, but this is blockbuster territory, baby! Neon Demon and Swiss Army Man both almost assuredly have some spots on year-end lists (although reviews for Demon so far aren't as ecstatic as I might have thought they'd be), so they'll get their time. It's always about the Indie Films! They can't get enough attention. Let's back up and talk about those big releases in reverse order, starting with Free State of Jones.

This is a really interesting flick, all in its release position, subject matter, timeliness, and content. Regardless if his negative reasoning is founded or not, Snoop Dogg did have a point when he remarked that there are too many slave movies hanging around recently. This kind of started with Django Unchained (2012), continued with 12 Years a Slave (2013), sidetracked with the Roots revival, sees Free State of Jones this week and in the fall, the high profile The Birth of a Nation (2016) which looks to replicated 12 Years' Oscar nabs.

Alright alright alright

I don't really think we can have too many slavery movies in the same way we can't have too many Westerns, or any other genre, but they do seem to be blurring together somewhat. You can't help but wonder if the commercial, critical, and financial success of Django and 12 Years has more to do with this than a desire to tell an important American narrative. Slavery in particular is also not as cavalier as a Western. Western's don't feature the most brutal subjugation of another race of people in our history (wait a minute...shit. The West sucked), or at least not part of its genre trappings. We're not here to debate whether or not that's a jingoistic choice (see: The Lone Ranger [2013]), but the centering upon brutality is something that's somewhat inherent to slave movies, which makes their repeated release exhausting, while they're difficult to ignore without slipping into calls of racism.

Free State of Jones might actually buck that brutality trend. It doesn't seem so much a film about the horrors of slavery than it is about the unlikely rising up of a town against a county they find unfit to hold them. There's a little more hope here than this territory typically treads.

Of course, this slavery movie featuring Matthew McConaughey feels a little like The Last Nigga On Earth starring Tom Hanks. Django and 12 Years were not only great platforms for black actors but also told inherently black stories. Even though there's a lot of white dudes controlling shit in Django I remarked when I first saw it that by the end it seeks to tell a tale of black redemption, revenge, and heroism that's we rarely see in cinema. Of course, there's all kind of racism in the other direction, including a long history of calling McConaughey's character Newt Knight (his actual name) a race traitor and deserter. Mississippi is fucked up.

Django was obviously notable due to both its novelty, style, and directorial pedigree attached. 12 Years a Slave was another excellent film crafted by a great director that has now almost created the slaver movie template that offered the genre as a viable Awards candidate. Free State of Jones seems interesting, but lacks either hook, and ends up feeling more repetitive than innovative. McConaughey, who's still riding the McConaissance surely had a lot to do with this film getting made and released, although it seems like a strange role to take for a guy who could make any film he wanted. Maybe not - that White Saviour role has to be appealing to anyone. That this would be released in the middle of Summer is also bizarre, frankly. What kids are going to line up for Free State of Jones after Graduation? I think this could crash and burn, and depending on how good The Birth of a Nation really is (I would be a little shocked if it won Best Picture so soon after 12 Years a Slave stole its fire), this could end up being that middle slavery movie that we all forget about. Or we just remember it as "ohhh yeah - the McConaughey one."

Next up is The Shallows, which has in the space of a week gone from something completely off my radar. I can't remember my mode of through seven weeks ago, but in my summer preview I described it as: "No one knows what this shit is. Move on." That was for a July 1st release. They might have moved it up. Or I screwed up. I can't be expected to remember such things. Obviously, I did no research (I'm not sure much more than "Blake Lively Shark Movie" was out there, which seems really lame). Then they dropped this trailer and holy shitballs on a sandwich am I hooked. Here you go:



There's only two shots you really need to sell this trailer. The first is the shot of the Shark's image in the wave as Blake is riding it. It's a perfect sinister moment where the audience is aware of danger that the protagonist doesn't know about while also being really cool. It's as threatening as it is campy. The second is that final shot of poor Blake stranded atop the rocks or coral or whatever, while the massive Shark stalks around here. Everything you need to know about the film is there. She's stuck. She needs to get past a massive, hungry shark. The tide is rising. GO! All the other trailers have been pretty good, and this film has done masterful work providing a reason to watch it in like, the two weeks that commercials have started airing.

Now, commercially, it's still a tough sell. The Shallows isn't a four-quadrant film. Massive audiences will see Independence Day, adults will probably see Free State of Jones (they've even incorporated that into their recent marketing), and kids are still doping on Finding Dory (2016). That leads a narrow gap for everyone else. Then again, if audiences get turned off of seeing the same stupid shit in Resurgence, The Shallows could be an easy fallback. It's not totally a horror film, although it's certainly billed as such. Anyone wanting to get their fix of violence before The Purge: Election Year (2016) drops could jump in on this.

If this is more like JAWS (1975), which is obviously the Shark Movie high-water mark and less like Open Water (2003), I predict good things. It runs a crisp 87 minutes, which ought to refreshingly tell a focused story with severe stakes, palpable tension, and just about everything you could want out of a giant shark movie. Resurgence is 150 minutes and supposedly stretches across a whole shitload of characters. These are suddenly weirdly opposite movies that both deal with strange creatures trying to kill poor humans.

I do enjoy the mostly daylight setting - Horror in Paradise, baby! The color seems really sharp, though, as if it's highly saturated, giving the whole picture an unnatural feel that just adds to the uneasiness. This is obviously my pic for this week and I hope it does well. With a $17 million production budget against Resurgence's purported $200 million it ought to at least make its money back.

So with that, let's move on to Resurgence, but before we do, let's rewind the clocks twenty years back to 1996. Independence Day (1996) was an event. It was THE movie to see that summer, in a way that's hardly been replicated since. For a while there it had my respect as that one mega-blockbuster sci-fi epic that always stood on its own. It had its place among the Pantheon of Immortal Box Office Titans and was secure in that fact. So, what made the original so great but the new one kind of meh? Flavorwire recently had a fantastic piece about Summer '96 including this summary that I cannot say better:

Its release date was right there in the title, a reminder with every poster, bus ad, TV spot, and gaze-at-the-skies trailer that the aliens were coming to the multiplex over Fourth of July weekend. The movie was so ubiquitous, in fact, that there almost seemed a subtextual tie to the holiday’s patriotism. This wasn’t just a movie that was available to you – it was a movie that it was your duty as an American to see. Or, as MST3K’s Mike Nelson wrote at the time of these “Big Gulp-style films,” “They’re Must-See movies. Not to see them is to risk revocation of citizenship and eventual deportation.”

All of this is critical. The release date was in the title, and the general populace knew it was coming six months ahead of time. It was a truly American film, something that families saw on vacation, one bristling with patriotism but lacking jingoism. It is epic in every possible way, and of course, it had one-liners, Jeff Goldblum coming off Jurassic Park (1993), and probably most importantly, Will Smith, who in this masterstroke made the transition from syndicated TV actor to Global Megastar in one fell swoop.

I don't really think that feeling is as palpable this time around. It also helps that the original did a lot to canonize the massive alien invasion trope and served as the template for films and TV to come from Futurama to Battle: Los Angeles (2011). Resurgence could never originate that and so comes across as another follow-up rather than something that actually pushes the genre. This is of course, nothing new, and it would seem to take the Jurassic World (2015) route in long-term sequels in taking what worked from the first film, making it bigger and badder, and splicing in a lot of homage. That's clearly a good strategy for sequels: essentially remaking the first film in all but name.

I do really enjoy the fact that Resurgence seeks to craft an alternate earth history of the past twenty years and demonstrate how the alien invasion changed the world. That's actually something that hasn't quite been done before. Oblivion (2013) showed us the aftereffects of a successful alien invasion, but there hasn't been a film that shows us what happens twenty years after the humans win. It's a decently interesting hook. Jurassic World did about the same thing, but when the previous films' events were concentrated on a single island, Independence Day very much shook up the entire planet. Extrapolating everything that followed is a monumental task, and the film looks like it's handled it well.

Remember that impossibly big ship in the last one?
Well this one's even bigger! We still got nuclear bombs
 and 90s-level computer viruses, right?

There are a lot of comparisons to Jurassic World here, but one big conceit of the film was that they would never be able to surpass the original, which is simultaneously a brilliant meta-move and a somewhat depressing concession. Resurgence doesn't really seem to have that kind of acknowledgment, perhaps due to the fact that while Independence Day is a reasonably well-regarded film and surely made a ton of bank, it's never been acknowledged as a perfect blockbuster or an adored piece of our shared childhood. It's a whole lot more blowhardy and insane, although not as in-your-face as a Michael Bay aesthetic. Indeed, often in his career, Roland Emmerich is seen as this sort of Bay-Lite who specializes in global destruction. From Godzilla (1998) to The Day After Tomorrow (2004) to 2012 (2009), this is readily apparent. His schtick seems to be giant globe-spanning stories with a lot of interweaving characters. Still, he finds some heart more than Bay does in a lot of them, perhaps at the expense of a stylization of method to accompany the ridiculous on screen.

It is amazing that the Aliens always choose the Fourth of July weekend to attack. Although why is this coming out on June 24th!? I'd almost expect some people to see it next weekend naturally thinking that's when it comes out. It's tough to call what kind of cheddar this flick pulls in. When its closest comparison is Jurassic World, we're talking a ton of change. I don't think the anticipation is that high, though. And there's been rough backlash to sequels this summer. Still, it feels like more a must-see than Through the Looking Glass or X-Men: Apocalypse (2016), perhaps precisely because it's been so long since the original and even though demand has been there, no sequel movement has ever been made. The story is also reasonably communicated, and even though it's derivative ("They're invading! Again!"), there's enough cohesive world-building to sell it. If Will Smith had returned that really would have put it over the edge. It's bizarre to me that he chose Suicide Squad over this, even though hype is bigger for that, and the prospect of franchising over there is possibly more lucrative. Still, he feels more like a bit part there in a series that's bigger than him, which feels like an odd choice. Or Emmerich just axed him. Who really knows.

So far very few people have actually seen this movie, but so far the general consensus is that it matches its predecessor, in the sense that it's still a big dumb explosion-y movie (although Independence Day is surely a giant in storytelling compared to most blockbusters today). This is a huge step, though. To be as much of a cultural landmark as the original, though, it really needs to do something spectacular. I'm not sure "Bigger Death Star" really cuts it. Instead of feeling like THE event of Summer it more feels like one or two events of summer. Then again, I'd consider our only other big events of the summer being Ghostbusters (2016), Star Trek Beyond (2016), and Jason Bourne (2016), and honestly, how pumped are you for any of those? Ghosbusters will probably end up being the highlight, and with three clear weeks of sailing, Resurgence could be in for a surprisingly good time.

Obviously, I'm dismissing The BFG (2016) and Tarzan because holy shit, who cares.

That's a lot to take in this week. Again, I'm totally on #TeamShallows. What say you?

Six Days Ago Was Our Seven-Year Anniversary

That's hard to believe!

I also don't care too much about anniversaries. I used to. We had a one, two, and three-year anniversary post, mostly recounting my favourite pieces of the previous year. My Jurassic World (2015) post was on our Six-Year last year and we celebrated Year Five with 22 Jump Street (2014). Neither had an acknowledgment of our accomplishment.

But Seven Years is a ridiculously long time to be blogging as semi-often as I do. It's kind of amazing to me to look back at the 726 articles I've posted on this site, especially as idiosyncratic most of them are, straddling the line between importance and ephemeral debate. I love going back and reading random things like my thoughts on Extract (2009) or when Lady GaGa and Katy Perry both had weird saxophone videos in Summer 2011. Doesn't that seem so damn long ago?

This particular post was spurred by a random thought I had the other day, though, which actually really coincidentally aligns with this anniversary, as semi-late as it is. I had a feeling as if my ramblings here have become longer and more incoherent, especially as this blog has devolved into a weekly round-up of Summer movies (re-reading my first Road to a Blockbuster post was interesting - I was apparently originally inspired by THOR [2011], which is amazing) and Summer Jams from May to August, end-of-year wrap up lists in December, and Oscar coverage from January to February. That's really the mold we've settled into. Of course, this blog has rarely been about anything traditional, and we've been fairly careless in picking up and dropping a lot of ideas both good and bad. Of course we're also rarely beholden to anything, which means shit can change at any time. Still, there's something freeing about just finding a place on the internet to riff on both franchise potential and how much I want to see The Shallows (2016) over Independence Day: Resurgence (2016). That post is actually coming out tomorrow. This blog can be anything, which is why it's a special distillation of whatever's in my brain that week.

But that's totally off target. My random thought the other day that the previous paragraph alluded to, was "What has been my longest post?" After some digging, there's no real direct answer, although in a more simpler way, this is that direct answer:

On December 19th, 2015 I spent 3757 words on Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015). That should be no surprise to anyone, and by a solid (but not crazy) margin, it gets the nod for the longest rant in one space on one topic. We get into trickier territory when I have spent a bit more words on the same topic spread out over multiple posts:

Technically these were two distinct posts because I saw the film in question twice in theaters and just found that much more to say about it, but I spent a whopping 3981 words on Transformers: Revenge of the Swollen (2009) within the first month of this blog's history - on June 25th and July 5th, 2009. I only talked about Dark of the Moon (2011) for 3103 (again over two posts) and Age of Extinction (2014) for 2211.

I beat that mark in 2012 when over the course of three posts in four days I discussed The Dark Knight Rises (2012) over the course of 4488 words. Looking back on that last one, I really thought I had misspelled "health." This feat was actually surpassed a month prior when discussing an even MORE derided film, albeit one that I very much enjoyed at the time, which I'll get to in a bit. 2012 was a busy summer.

In 2009 when this blog first started, it would appear I had even more to say about nothing...Posts About Nothing in particular... It was as if I had finally found an outlet to my brain so it just poured all over the Internet. Spread out over ten days time were three posts about Jerry Seinfeld's character on Seinfeld, first on September 29, then on the 30th, then on October 8th. These came to 4557 words in total.

So back to 2012, for some reason I found it necessary to talk about Prometheus (2012) over a whopping three posts (with only one viewing in theaters) that amounted to 4607 words, which is the most I've ranted about a single film, album, television show, video game, sporting event, or whatever else Norwegian Morning Wood gets up to. For the record, these were on June 13th, 14th, and...14th, 2012. Man, I write a lot in June.

The biggest contiguous series, however, dwarfs all that. This was a series of posts I originally made on Facebok that I added here to give the fledgling little NMW a heafty content boost at its launch. For some reason back in April 2009 I made nine ridiculously long posts analyzing literally everything on TV at that time. There's actually no better Spring 2009 Television capsule that exists, and it's pretty impressive. They were posted to the site in June (of course), and despite the horrendous amount of broken, unhosted images that now plague each post, they're pretty good. No. No. I can't lie to you good people. This is terrible. But these copy n paste jobs gave us the site's most post-heavy month ever (18! It's never been matched!) and can all be found here with progressively more ludicrous titles:

Bryan Loves Television Part 1: Reality Bites
Bryan Loves Television Part II: The Flat and the Furriest
Bryan Loves Television Part III: 2 Flat 2 Furriest
Bryan Loves Televison Part IV: The Flat and the Furriest 3: TV-MA Drift
Bryan Loves Televison Part Cinco: Drama Day Care
Bryan Loves Television Part Seis: Drama Day Cable
Bryan Loves Television Part G: Dr. Strangelaugh or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Comedy
Bryan Loves Television Part H: A Jokework Orange
Bryan Loves Televison Part 9: All That Other Shit

Holy shit, I actually just straight-up posted URLs into the text. What the hell is wrong with me?

Notice the numbering - like, with sequels within the sequels to the series and casual switching from Arabic to Roman to Spanish Words to letters. Going from "3" to "Cinco" really throws me off, even though it's actually "Part IV" to "Part Cinco." What the hell, Bryan. It's amazing that this wasn't accessible or didn't catch on!

This all comes out to 13,273 words which is about three and a half times more than I cared to spend on The Force Awakens. It's a weird read for sure, decently undeveloped, and riddled with awkward sentences and horrible structure. We surely this day don't have that issue any longer beround these parts.

So we're seven years in. At some point last year I wasn't sure if I had yet set out to do everything I wanted to do with this blog. I mean, Best Movie Swears? The Straight-To-DVD Drawn Together Movie? What else is there? That latter post actually got a ton of hits because of its somewhat racy image. Of cartoons. Internet, baby!

We've certainly had a dip in posts, especially last fall and this past winter. I don't totally care about that, really. This might be a nice chance to break out of our Summer Jam - End of Year Lists - Oscar Prediction rut we're quagmired in right now, but then again, that's all I really want to do unless something fanciful like Mortal Kombat X strikes me again. I don't totally see a reason to stop doing this, though. I wouldn't really feel complete without it at this point. Getting shit out of my brain and on to the Internet for everyone to see forever (except the broken links, images, and taken-down / account information changed YouTube videos) is therapeutic, energizing, and damn fun.

So here's to seven more years, then seven more, then maybe like, three or four after that.

What say ye, loyal reader - what do you want to see more of in the next seven years? Leave one below.

Norwegian Morning Wood's Official Summer 2016 Movie Preview

Ah we have arrived at last at the greatest time of the year - that magical period between the first weekend in May and like the second or third weekend in August where common sense is thrown to the wind and the theaters are ruled by the loud and obnoxious rather than the tepid and mundane.

Of course, if this year is to prove anything it's that Summer Release dates don't actually matter anymore. Deadpool (Feburary), Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Just-Ass (March), and The Jungle Book (a few weeks ago) have already proven that whenever a film comes out, if people want to see it, they'll see it. You see this in television as well - more and more traditional Fall to Spring seasons are eschewed by cable networks in favor of just dropping episodes when they're ready.

Well, we're clutching on to something special, dammit. Let's take a look at every single film that's opening big enough to be worth our while:

MAY

May 6th:

Captain America: Civil War

Interest Level: Damn High
Cash potential: Fucking righteous
Cultural effect: Less than Bats v. Supes, but quite a bit more positive

May 13th:

The Darkness

Interest Level: What the hell is this?
Cash potential: non-existent, even if it's counter-programming for horror lovers
Cultural effect: In two weeks after its release this will be as unknown as it was two weeks before its release. I believe in a thing called love!

Money Monster

Interest: More counter-programming for adults who like George and Julia.
Cash: Could be decent, but not huge
Culture: This looks really dumb and tonally mismanaged.

May 20th:

The Angry Birds Movie

Interest: I'm not into Angry Birds at all. It looks like it's forcing things a bit more than The LEGO Movie (2014), which took likewise unadaptable material and made something really unique.
Cash: Kids movie opening in a graveyard. Although do kids play Angry Birds?
Culture: I don't think we're getting the next Minions out of this.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising

Interest: Pretty high. Seth Rogen almost never misses
Cash: It'll make like $80-100 mill and that's a success
Culture: Neighbors (2014) was absolutely hilarious and has had a decent cultural impact. This could just add to more of the same mythos.

The Nice Guys

Interest: I'm down, but not sure many more are. Summer is a weird time for this release.
Cash: I actually have a small feeling this will bomb. Not sure anyone cares.
Culture: Cult status is possible, but I think it'll be a decently small splash.

May 27th:

Alice Through the Looking Glass

Interest: For all it's ragged on, Alice in Wonderland (2010) has some cool and unique moments. It's not a good film at all, but whatevs. I don't think anyone has cared about it since its release so also whatevs.
Cash: There's no way this cracks $1 billion like the first one. For one the marketing has been way more subdued, and that was totally that early 2010s 3-D/IMAX affect. See also: Wrath of the Titans (2012).
Culture: Can't see it.

X-Men: Apocalypse

Interest: Certainly higher than Alice, but possibly more niche.
Cash: Non-Deadpool X-Men movies seem to have a ceiling. And the feeling around this isn't nearly where Days of Future Past (2014) was. I'm actually discounting this, but it won't flop.
Culture: There's lots of really cool iconography on display, although the plot seems awfully formulaic.

JUNE

June 3rd:

Me Before You

Interest: What the fuck is this shit?
Cash: There will be none
Culture: I repeat my first statement

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Interest: I'm super on-board with this, although I'm not sure it has the buzz of some other high profile comedies like Neighbors 2 and Central Intelligence.
Cash: The Lonely Island trio have had a crazy amount of success making viral videos, SNL zeitgeist-capturing products, and have now branched out to shows like Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The LEGO Movie. Having said that, they actually have an egregiously terrible track record at the movies. This may land with a thud.
Culture: See above. Previous directorial works from either Jorma Taccone or Akiva Schaffer include Hot Rod (2007), MacGruber (2010), and The Watch (2012). I might consider the former two decent cult hits, and I have a sneaking suspicion that's where this lands as well.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Interest: I'm somehow more into this than the first go around. I think it's the emphasis on aggressive goofiness that I'm into more than any kind of self-serious gritty treatment of this material. It's more 80s cartoon than 00s cartoon (or 80s comics for that matter)
Cash: The first go around did alright and this has a bit better release date. It really finds its buck as a children's action film, of which there are virtually none of anymore. It will find its way.
Culture: The modern live action film series seems to add to mythos rather than extend it, and although there are some real wuuurd choices going on here, I'm not sure it'll really be cultural dynamite.

June 10th

The Conjuring 2

Interest: I actually JUST saw the first one, and didn't really think it was that much better or scarier or different than any other stock horror film, although I remember it getting a ton of good press back in the day when it was released. I'm not all that in to it, although if I had been more impressed with the original I might have been.
Cash: The first one made a ton on its own, but do horror sequels ever outgross their predecessors? My guess is that if the critics come around again and are like "It's sick, bro!" it'll do fine. If they be like "Nah, it's whack, dude" then it's fucked.
Culture: The Warrens have kind of penetrated pop culture, but for most normies it's still all about the ghosts or whatever is possessing whatever. Remember Annabelle (2014)? Lol

Now You See Me 2

Interest: Here's another sequel to a film that did well and was generally well-received, but did anyone really care? The cast for the first one was always way too good for its source material (boasting two Oscar winners and three more nominees - and the best left is still Mélanie Laurent).
Cash: This is another instance of a sequel to a film that did surprisingly well. There's honestly not a lot of exact competition around it (Ninja Turtles might be the closest thing that steals its dollars, and that's saying something), so it could do pretty well.
Culture: Name any one of the first film's characters! Didn't think so!

Warcraft

Interest: This is all but guaranteed to be the first really big flop of summer. I can't get into this at all. What the hell is the story here? It looks like a CGI explosion, admittedly a pretty good one, but who the hell can tell what's going on. Stop giving B-movie material huge budgets just because Lord of the Rings did well fifteen years ago.
Cash: Calling my shot now, this one totally bombs.
Culture: No one will care about Warcraft, except for possibly nerds.

June 17th:

Central Intelligence

Interest: That Dwayne Johnson fat shower is real, real weird, but putting these two in a film together is a damn solid move. I don't really find myself caring about it, but a lot more will.
Cash: No brainer. This one rules June.
Culture: I have trouble naming Kevin Hart movies, but then again, I'm not black.

Finding Dory

Interest: I have almost zero interest in this, even though Finding Nemo (2003) currently sits at #2 on my Pixar Movie list. Long-term sequels just feel weird coming out of Pixar, who is known so much for its original storytelling. I'd take something weird and experimental like Brave (2012) over Monsters University (2013) any day.
Cash: Nemo is one of Pixar's truly great moneymakers. It'll do damn fine.
Culture: This all depends on how they push it. Are we really talking much about Monsters University three years down the line? No, but Obama still watches Toy Story 3 (2010).

June 24th:

Free State of Jones

Interest: I was totally getting this confused with The Birth of a Nation. Is it weird to be turned off by too many prestigious slavery movies? The premise got me but I thought the trailer took some wind out of it. If it's good I'll see it.
Cash: Why is this coming out in late June? McConaughey pushes it towards popular territory, but no part of this feels like it deserves to be here. Counter-programming against ID4: Resurge? No doubt, and it shouldn't be too tough to make its budget back.
Culture: That kind of depends on whether it gets lost between Django Unchained (2012), 12 Years a Slave (2014), The Birth of a Nation (2016), and Harriet Tubman on the $20.

Independence Day: Resurgence

Interest: Summer '96 was so hard for ID4. I remember seeing that motherfucker on vacation, man! This is totally going the Jurassic World (2015) / Force Awakens (2015) route of going bigger and nuttier while more or less retaining the exact same storyline. I lean towards not caring.
Cash: For all the reasons above there's no real reason why this doesn't light it up. I still have a nagging feeling though, mostly because nothing really grabbed me in the trailer as must-see. It will probably do okay and not the Jurassic numbers it's hoping for.
Culture: ID4 was so pure for so many years as that one non-franchise franchise. Fuck that now. I don't think this will necessarily damage the brand, but tough to add to it.

JULY

July 1st:

The BFG

Interest: Could care less. Spielberg tends to fumble with this kind of material (namely beloved stuff that's not his), although our only real example is The Adventures of Tintin (2011). It's amazing how much that soured me. But I feel the same way about this as I did about that disaster.
Cash: Hard to say. It's coming off of ID4: R and running into Ghostbusters (2016) soon after, so it's a tight window to make a buck - and moviegoers have tended to run out of steam in July lately. Not sure anything about this screams "SEE ME!" and we might have our second major bomb of the Summer.
Culture: Doofy CGI. Nothing that won't be forgettable. Why does Spielberg have this hard-on for Mark Rylance all of a sudden?

The Legend of Tarzan

Interest: So damn low. I don't care about Tarzan. No one cares about Tarzan. See my comment above about B-movies getting A-Blockbuster treatments.
Cash: It seems to skew a bit darker and older than The BFG will, but they're still splitting that weekend. That's tough to come out with any significant cash flow.
Culture: Will we see a lot of Tarzan Halloween costumes? You know, you might have a kid factor, because I think I'd be down for a Tarzan when I was like 12 years old (actually, I got one - with dreads, bruh!), but it's not that cool for thirty-year olds to swing around their furniture screaming that they're Tarzan. Hrmm...

The Purge: Election Year

Interest: There seems like there is a ton of shit coming out every weekend this summer, and some of it is decent counter-programming, but stuff like this will totally cannibalize itself. Purge movies actually seem to be trending better, which is cool, and I didn't even know another one is coming out. I'm down, what the hell.
Cash: It's probably good. This is horror, but it's more fun horror, unlike The Conjuring 2, which is scary horror. This weekend certainly trends in a line from The BFG to this in getting more serious and adult, and that could pay off. It's certainly not running into The Secret Life of Pets (2016).
Culture: It's all the same at this point, although the second one actually did a decent job differentiating itself, and introducing a larger, bigger budgeted world. There's room to innovate here.

The Shallows

Interest: No one knows what this shit is. Move on.

July 8th:

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

Interest: I'm personally super on-board. The trailers have done a really nice job, the cast is a dream of young likable people right now, and the turn presented among the principal characters is amazing.
Cash: Will this be the Summer of Efron? I'm actually curious how this differentiates itself from Neighbors 2, but I think it can break out. It seems like it has enough of a hard edge over some of the other comedies this summer.
Culture: Will 2016 give us one of the best summers for comedies, ever? The action films all look like garbage so I'm down.

The Secret Life of Pets

Interest: I'm generally on Team Zootopia (2016), which looks like the total winner in this "animated talking animals" showdown. Nothing about this looks very clever or interesting and it's a solid pass.
Cash: Finding Dory isn't that far behind, and that's all but guaranteed to be giant. Angry Birds isn't too far behind that, either, and has had a fair amount of marketing awareness. This will be the third talking animal movie of the summer and fourth on the year. In just two weeks it also runs into the much much much more well established Ice Age: Collision Course (2016). "Totally doomed" is a phrase used all too often these days...
Culture: Does anyone care?

July 15th:

Ghostbusters

Interest: So hard for this one. There's no one in the cast that I don't adore (for all the hate, Melissa McCarthy delivers more than she misses, even if her movies have missed lately), and Feig obviously has the credentials, but the honest truth is that nothing the film has put out has been all that funny. Hoping something lands, but could probably pass at this point.
Cash: The expectations are obviously huge. This is probably the major film of the summer if not the year. There's probably enough goodwill amongst those who follow all the bits from the cast to beef it up, but it probably won't win summer based on the collective meh of a lot of people like me.
Culture: It seems like it's halfway steeped in 'buster lore, and halfway doing its own thing. That's probably good. If this could just make Kate McKinnon a bankable megastar I think my work here on earth would be done.

The Infiltrator

Get outta here

July 22nd:

Ice Age: Collision Course

Interest: I obviously have no interest in Ice Age 17 or whatever. I actually, I think it's #5. How have they made five Ice Age movies? It battles the mind. I am pretty into Scrat, though. Great throwback to clever silent animation of yesteryear.
Cash: There's a reason why this is the fifth Ice Age and we haven't seen Ray Romano do shit else in like ten years.
Culture: Can you remember what happened in the last Ice Age? Was that the one with the pirates? It's all the same movie by now.

Lights Out

Interest: This is turning into a big summer for horror. This actually had a cool and creepy trailer, and if it rides that vibe, I might be down. Looks real stupid, though.
Cash: Right after The Purge 3 is rough, but it's a pretty different style of movie. Summer horror counter-programming doesn't work, however, when it strikes three times.
Culture: I don't think anyone will remember this years on down the line, but it's kind of a cool gimmick for the summer.

Star Trek Beyond

Interest: Ohhh yeah, another Star Trek is coming out this year. Do you remember how pumped up everyone was for Star Trek (2009)? How was that seven fucking years ago? I remember even getting jazzed for Into Darkness(2013) despite its dumb title, terrible obvious and unnecessary plot twist and the general apathy I had after it sandwiched itself in between Iron Man 3 (2013) and Fast & Furious 6 (2013). That's kind of where I'm at again. For some reason the property can't seem to elevate itself in its franchise wars.
Cash: It's really hard to say. I'm not sure this summer will undergo blockbuster fatigue at this point like 2014 or 2013 did, but that could spell doom for this. Depending on if people are enough into Ghostbusters to ignore this it might do okay.
Culture: Into Darkness, even if it was ultimately a pretty forgettable movie at least gave us that sweet space jump scene and a terrible character twist to endless debate and bitch about. Can Beyond hope to do the same!? We haven't really seen much at all about it (or even Idris Elba's villain. Yeah - he's in this film! He's in every film! He's like a black Samuel L. Jackson).

July 29th:

Bad Moms

Interest: What the fuck is this movie? Wait - is it some kind of raunchy comedy starring Christina Applegate, Kristen Bill, and Mila Kunis? Ahh - the trailer literally dropped a few hours ago....and was apparently pulled already. That's not a good way to make Bryan watch your movie.
Cash: Who knows. This seems like it's going for a Bridesmaids (2011) thing, which obviously did pretty well. Considering the cast of Bridesmaids is jamming out in Ghostbusters a few weeks before, the release date seems like a weird move. These should be pretty different films though. Or we're clearly looking at the greatest Ghosbusters ever.
Culture: Got me. Could be something.

Jason Bourne

Interest: Next to nothing. I love how they dropped Damon for Jeremy Renner, made a shitty movie, realised he sucked, and are now trying to circle back. Man, the Bourne story just feels soooo finished.
Cash: It's really really weird how the Bourne Franchise became a franchise. I remember seeing the first one alone in theaters and feeling like I was its only fan. Now it's legit, albeit with a definite ceiling. There's no real reason for audiences to feel like they need to come back, though, and it could bomb pretty bad.
Culture: Bourne's shaky cam set pieces really ruined action films for a long time. Let's avoid that.

AUGUST

August 5th:

The Founder

Interest: Decent. Can you tell that Mike Keaton was sore after not getting the Oscar he should have? He's crushing these kind of high profile roles. This is totally The Social Network (2010) for McDonald's, but who cares, that was a damn strong trailer.
Cash: Again, the release date seems off. Shouldn't this be an October picture? Sure, the non-Fincher here is a whole bit lighter, but it feels like this gets buried, unless its good reviews bring the old people who have been neglected all summer - having only received the maddening Money Monster a few months ago.
Culture: Could be pretty high. A good portrayal in what looks like an unconventional biopic that's relatively high profile can make a splash. The issue I can see is if McDonald's is glorified, but do average people really care about that? I had McDonald's in the past 10 days and I hate their food.

Nine Lives

This is some kind of Kevin Spacey / Jennifer Garner cat movie.

Suicide Squad

Interest: Super high. This flick has had some of the best marketing ever. Hopefully it rises past Batman v. Superman's terribly bad will and is actually a rad picture.
Cash: There's certainly a market for this anti-Superhero movie, and if Deadpool proved anything, it's that audiences want more. This could rake it in and coast through August.
Culture: All the pieces are there. Personal investment is high, the iconography is strong, and the cast and performances seem damn solid. I'm all in.

August 12th:

Florence Foster Jenkins

GTFO

Pete's Dragon

Interest: So damn low. I don't really care about the original movie, and this feels really shoe-horned. Is he the one who puffs by the sea? No, that's Puff the Magic Dragon. Is that the same thing? You gotta give me something here.
Cash: There might be enough nostalgia here to lift it up, but it just doesn't feel on anyone's radar, especially for a live action adaptation on the heels of The Jungle Book, which was super successful. Bomb.
Culture: Nope.

Sausage Party

Interest: This seems really weird. I'm not totally into the concept or the parody of animated "Secret World" films with adult overtones. I was actually looking forward to this out of intrigue, but I'm not sure that it has the wit to back its crudeness.
Cash: There's almost no way this is profitable. It's so niche. It belongs on Adult Swim or something, which is influential and popular, but not in the sort of broad sense you need to sell tickets.
Culture: If anything, this could leave a huge dent in our culture for being really super weird, but I'm not sure enough thought leaders will see it for that to matter.

Spectral

No one knows what this is. I mean, seriously, you don't have a poster, yet? This sounds super-August with notes of Skyline (2010).

August 19th

Ben-Hur

Interest: Do I really have to talk about these last four? These are absolute abominations that no one will see. But Ben-Hur is damn sure trying, so we ought to include the weekend.
Cash: Not for all my pocket change.
Culture: Well, the original isn't that well known or culturally significant, so surely the remake will fare better.

Kubo and the Two Strings

What the fuck is this shit? Actually this trailer is kind of legit. It might have a shot with the right marketing.

The Space Between Us

Alright, so admittedly I need to research some of these shitty movies. This trailer is also kind of cool. I'm all about original sci-fi, although that's pretty horseshit, because that doesn't a good movie make. But I'm curious about this, which probably won't light up the box office but could make a decent late August splash if marketed right.

War Dogs

Lastly we have a weird Todd Phillips war profiteering dramedy starring Miles Teller and Jonah Hill. I don't care if this movie exists or not. It has the production acumen, although I think Phillips struggles when the tone isn't explicit. He seems to have trouble finding the moral sweet spot between elucidating boorish behavior and condoning it. His movies end up a pretty dark shade of gray.

So that's it. As of now you actually don't need to see any movies this summer because we've listed them all here. And just for finality's sake, let's give an official list of my "Definite Want to Probably Spend Money On":

Civil War
Neighbors 2
Nice Guys
Never Stop Never Stopping
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
The Founder
Suicide Squad
Kubo and the Two Strings
The Space Between Us

There. You only need to see nine movies and your life will matter.