25 August 2010

Because They're Everywhere: 9 Parts of Mainstream Culture I Hate

In honour of Mike Posner's "Cooler Than Me" which makes me want to drown and kill cute puppies whenever I hear it, I thought I'd take a moment today to go on a nice ramble about other parts of Pop Culture I absolutely despise. See, this is relatively exceptional. Even shows like Jersey Shore or films like Transformers (2007) I'll watch and even enjoy. They are incredibly stupid and of no artistic or spiritual merit, but I find myself able to enjoy them. No, today we're talking about three movies, three television shows and three bands that I absolutely can not watch or listen to because they just anger up the blood. They fill me with such unsustainable rage that I get into Baby-Punching Mode. Films like Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) that are absolutely atrocious and clearly deeply flawed can still have some cool parts, some reason for enjoyment even if it's only to get over a massive Sunday Hangover on F/X. The following are those that commit the Deepest and Darkest of Sins. And going into this article I admit forthwright that yeah, these are pretty mainstream and for the most part, massively popular. You're going to be surprised. Let's begin:

Three Films that Make Me Want to Strangle Kittens:

I'll also admit that for some of these I don't really have an explanation. Such is the case of Miami Vice (2006) and Paycheck (2003). I was prepared to turn my mind off for both films but instead they obnoxiously demanded my attention for needlessly complicated plots and attempts at deep, brooding character interaction that was totally uncalled for. Michael Bay is a fucking visionary because he delivers exactly what the audience wants. He doesn't pretend he's an auteur. Michael Mann's Miami Vice is such a pretentious piece of shit, the kind of piece of shit that considers itself an excellent, thinking action film. Instead it's a boring, dumb action film without the requisite action necessary to justify it's viewing. I mean, Face/Off (1997) is implausible, but awesome stuff happens on a second-by-second basis, which is backed up by actors playing slimily against each other with a whole lot of fun involved. Paycheck involves Assfleck at one of his Unrelentingly Douchiest and Colin Ferrell and somehow-Oscar Winner Jamie Foxx commit sins against got in Miami Vice. I can't bother with either one.

Another film I actively hate and will always refuse to watch is X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009). I already summed up most of my feelings here. Everything is wrong with this movie. It's a non-hardcore movie that tries to be violent, it's a comic-reference heavy film that gets all its references wrong. Hugh Jackman acting in any movie that doesn't begin with "The Prest" and end with "ige," should be shot on sight without question. Damn is this film bad. It's so bad it really insults Comic and Wolverine Fans everywhere, and that is the truest sin of all. See also: Avabar: The Last Bartender (2010).

Three Television Shows that Make Me Want to Eat My Own Dick:

You're going to think I'm absolutely crazy but I absolutely hate The Colbert Report. I fucking hate it. Steven Colbert is plenty talented on his own and I enjoyed the first couple years but after that we have problems. Part of which is that Steven Colbert IS really funny on his own! The Colbert Report has all but prevented him from doing other fantastic voice work as well as comedy much more innovative that The Fake News. The fake gimmick of The Colbert Report has become stale, far too political (Again, I have admittedly gone to the point where this and The Daily Show actually give me more non-NFL news that I'm prepared to handle in a single sitting) and even hipster-ish. It panders to a half-educated drunken college crowd that pretends to understand the jokes and arbitrarily assigned Colbert the mantle of Generational Icon long ago and has since ceased to question it. It's a bland repetitive humour that feeds off its audience rather than the other way around. The subversion is complete. Move on. At least whoever did this agrees.

Do I even have room for two more TV Shows? I hate every possible incarnation of Scooby Doo. It's worked itself into such a limited paradigm - oh hey, it's not a ghost, it's Old Man Jenkins! Every once in a while they introduce REAL Monsters which is completely contrary to the determined Rules of its Universe, thus altering Suspension of Disbelief. There's no winning with Scooby Doo. Predictability or Destruction of Universe. Once you've seen a single episode you've seen every one (wait, fuck that, Scooby Doo is so ingrained in our Pop Culture that you could recite a Scooby Doo episode from memory without ever seeing the show). Awful, awful lazy writing. Despite Trope Innovation, Scooby is Bullshit.

Speaking of Lazy Writing, let's talk Family Guy. Not unlike similar bullshit shows like Wonder Showzen and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, Family Guy relies on a stretched out, Discomfort Humour that seeks to test and annoy its audience rather than enlighten them. Hidden under guises of "surreality" and Nostalgia-Pandering, Family Guy is an awful awful show that tricks its viewers into thinking it's funny. This shit is not surreal. People throw around the term Surreal as an excuse for most of Adult Swim's bullshit to fly across their faces without just criticism. Monty Python's Flying Circus is the definition of surreal, even The Other Guys (2010) can fit the description very accurately. It is disorder presenting itself as order, thus becoming subversive, innovative and requiring the audience to think in ways it hasn't (or couldn't) before. The Superior Shows on Cartoon Network's Late Hour right now are The Venture Bros and The Boondocks, shows reliant on heavy, lasting character development to fuel jokes both subtle and outrageous whilst allowing for greater commitment to story that rewards the viewer both aesthetically and intellectually. Family Guy does none of this. Random for the sake of Random is pitiful. Devoid of meaning there is no meaning. South Park, better than any show or article has nailed it better than I ever could.

Three Bands that Make Me Want to Blow Coke and Rape Some Nuns:

I'm getting angrier and angrier as I'm going through this so I'll try to wrap this up here, especially because as you can tell, I take my Music pretty seriously. I can't stand Asher Roth for reasons similar to my hatred of a College Crowd that adores Colbert. Props to Spose who made Asher's genre awesome while dissing him. It's a stereotype, simplification and glorification of the College Experience. Actually for the most part it's far too tame. Where is the herpes, Asher? And what parties are you at that end at 3 AM? Who the fuck uses condoms in college, anyway? Get the fuck out of here. For the most part, it's the kind of winking pretension that really irritates me. It creates Artificiality out of the college experience instead of Organic Fun. I mean, there used to be propriety and shame over college alcoholics failing out due to over-partying. Asher made a hit single about it. I- dammit, this is how aneurysms start.

Alright, there are two more bands that I cannot listen to for more than two or three seconds, yet both are commonly hailed as Classics, which I believe was uncalled for. I speak of U2 and Dave Matthews Band. I can't stand either of this shit, mostly because both of these guys' voices would sound perfect playing over parties where a bunch of dudes get blown by other dudes. Dave, what the hell is wrong with Dave? It sounds like Bruce Vilanch stomping on an angry badger. It's a Crime against God. And Bono, oh fucking Bono. Just die, Bono. Die a horrible death. How can this cat give so much and still seem so full of himself? Oh right, South Park nailed that one, too. And speaking of South Park, what the fuck is up with that show? As for Bono it's probably something like I get the impression that he's not truly altruistic, he helps out because it's expected of him, not because it's his true wishes. It's why he's still rich as shit, I mean, don't give half, Paul, you want to truly become enlightened give it all up, join an Ashram somewhere, don't prance around Africa in your Gucci Loafers you arrogant son of a cock. Since when did U2 become classic rock? Why the fuck do I turn on my Classic Rock Station and the setlist goes Stones, Beatles, Zep, Doors, U2? How the fuck did U2 get in that crowd. This is fucking bullshit.

Now I'm really angry. I hope none of you like Steven Colbert anymore.

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