31 December 2019

2019 FINISHED! These Movies Were So Bad!

As we wrap up another year it's time to end on an awful note. Or...AWESOME note! We've talked at length about our Favourite Films of 2019, and the best films we saw this year, but it's time to talk about the flat-out worst films we saw. Let's go by year and by all-time that we just happened to watch this year.

Exposed (2016)

I watched this because it starred Keanu Reeves and Ana de Armas, the former of which is an obvious all-time favourite actor, and the latter is a rising star who I've enjoyed in everything so far (including the recently awesome Knives Out [2019]). Plus they were both in Knock Knock (2015). Okay, they're sexy. They're just really hot. Is that what you want to hear? This movie was so boring and forgettable I literally added it to my Netflix Queue again three months after seeing it because of all those reasons above. Like, I still wanted to watch it. Completely forgot that I had already. This was terrible.

Polar (2018)

Mads Mikkelson is pretty awesome and this was on Netflix, so whatever - cool! Problematic is the kindest way to describe the plot of this film, which seems to try to be a Liam Neeson-esque protective revenge fantasy, but bungles every possible scene. Nothing makes sense, and although it seems at first like it isn't taking itself seriously, all the style and pizzazz are empty. It actually makes me appreciate someone like Quentin Tarantino a lot more - his clones fall on their face.

The Other Side of the Wind (2018)

I dig Orson Welles, especially late Orson Welles when he was just impossibly fat and crazy. I've modeled much of my life on him. I watched the documentary, They'll Love Me When I'm Dead (2018) and got excited about this possible lost, unfinished film by Welles. It was to be his last masterpiece, one that could change film forever, again! I hope to chalk this up as a whiff because Welles died thirty years ago, but this incomprehensible mess that works best if you know all the intimate relationships of all the actors (well, mostly directors who are acting) involved in the 1970s. There is a sincere meta quality here that may have worked out, but it's such a mess. Somehow it needed another thirty years in editing.

Europa Report (2013)

This sci-fi film had just been in my streaming queue forever. I don't know why, maybe I just liked the title and thumbnail. This should be deleted from all streaming queues. It turned out to be a found footage film, which just didn't work in the scope of space. It's all a building mystery and then at the end it's just like, a monster that eats people. It's so deflating. It pretends to deal with some deep cosmic horror but it's just like a squid. And yeah, I spoiled it for you without warning. This was on purpose. There are some interesting actors here, but don't bother with this one.

6 Underground (2019)

So by default the worst film in 2019 that I saw, this was just a huge disappointment. Why can't anyone figure out the right tone for Ryan Reynolds? They make him too dangerous to be playful and Bay, while he's always reliable for getting a great action shot and usually does better with a smaller budget (yes, believe me), can't wrap his head around this plot. Despite an incredibly charismatic cast this just stumbles not out of implausibility (I mean, that's a given here), but from tone and what the film wants to be. It's a mess.

There were others that you might be surprised about. I loved CATS (2019) despite it being objectively terrible, but that's kind of the point. There were a lot of other pretty bad ones. In the Army Now (1994), 47 Ronin (2013, yes I really tried a lot of Keanu this year), Jupiter Ascending (2015), and Hellboy (2019) are all good candidates. None of these, however, made me as angry as what you see above. Happy 2020!!

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